The Darkest Hour
by entre la sombra y el alma
Summary: It is said that the darkest hour is just before dawn. After leaving Bella and having been gone for seven years, Edward returns due to the strange visions Alice has been having. Can Edward and Bella make it through this dark hour to find the breaking dawn?
1. The Return

**A/N: I don't own the _Twilight Saga_, or any of its characters**.

Chapter One

Everyday since I came back to Forks, Washington, one month ago, I have stood motionless in the forest, listening to and sometimes watching Bella Swan— now Bella Black— move on with her life without me. Exactly six months and two and a half days have passed since I got a call from Alice saying that Bella had completely disappeared from her visions.

"I'm sorry Edward, I know you told me not to look for Bella, but I can't help it; I'm attuned to her. Edward, she has been disappearing for hours, sometimes even days at a time over the past six years, but she's gone altogether now. It's been month! I think something has happened. Please let me go check on her!"

"What? No, you can't go, Alice. I'm sure she's fine. It has been seven years since we left, after all. Maybe you're just not as attuned as you think. You're not going back. None of you are. I promised her—"

"I know, I know, peace without reminders," Alice finished for me, quoting the words I had told Bella that disastrous day in the woods.1

"You're not going back." I expected an argument, but Alice was quiet for a moment.

"You're right. I'm not going back…you are. Oh, Edward! Please!"

"No!" I shouted into the phone and hung it up. I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't go back. But, oh how I wanted to! Just to see her face one more time, just to make sure she was safe. If she was okay, I promised myself I'd leave right away again. I wouldn't endanger Bella with my presence.

My phone rang again. Alice. "What, Alice?" I growled into the phone.

"I just saw her again. I think she's okay, but it was so hazy and then she disappeared again. What could be going on? I'm really worried."

For five months I debated going back. What if she was dead? Could I handle that? I knew the answer, I couldn't. I would not live in this world if Bella didn't exist. But she couldn't be dead. Alice continued to see her intermittently, always in short blips, always hazy. Alice's little updates drove me crazy. As if I needed one more way to think and worry about Bella. For the last seven years, Bella has been in every thought I have had. Seven years! Usually time goes quickly for me, but the years without Bella dragged on like an eternity. Each moment was agony, each moment was uncertainty, and each moment was guilt. When I left Bella, I left every semblance of who I was before. Not only had I lost the reason for my existence, but I also lost my family, my way of life. I couldn't stand to be near my family. They were all so in love, so worried about me, so wrapped up in their own guilt about what had happened. I couldn't stand it. After a while, I even stopped hunting. I no longer drank the blood of animals, nor did I partake of human blood. I did not drink at all. That desire was long gone by now. The thirst was still there, but I had no desire to quench it. I didn't need energy. I didn't need the strength. I didn't need refreshment. What I needed was to wrap myself in a ball and let the desolation crush me.

Things were a little better when I was hunting Victoria. Chasing her down and tracking her gave me something to do. In hunting her, I was making the world safer for Bella; I was still protecting her. But, it seemed that Victoria had fallen from the face of the earth.

Now, all that was left of me was my love, desperation, and overwhelming misery over the girl I had lost. Perhaps "lost" isn't the best word to use here. "Threw away" would be more appropriate. I threw Bella's love away. Not because I didn't need it or didn't value it, but because I needed to protect her. At least, that's what I told myself. Over time I've come to realize that I wasn't just protecting her, I was protecting myself. "What kind of protection would a 100+ year old vampire need from a 17-year old mortal girl?" you might ask. If leaving Bella were agony, seeing her die, loosing her because of what I am would be a million times worse. I have seen her die thousands of different ways in Alice's visions. In these visions Bella is always pale, cold, and lifeless, but sometimes also crushed or broken in pieces, blood dripping down her mouth or throat. The intense light and depth in her eyes is always gone. She is blank and empty.

To add to these imaginings, I could remember with perfect recall, seeing her body bruised and broken, lying on the ballet studio floor because I had provoked James. Then, I also remembered seeing her arm slashed through with glass, bleeding because I threw her into a table, trying to protect her from my brother who had tried to attack her after she got a paper cut! If I had stayed with her, one of Alice's visions would inevitably occur and take Bella away from this world, from me. Loosing her like that would have killed me, literally, so I left, thinking that as long as I knew Bella was alive, I could be happier, even if it meant that I couldn't be with her, even if she moved onto someone else.

Now she had moved on to someone else. Jacob Black. This would explain why she was disappearing from Alice's visions, but I'll get to that later.

Bella and Jacob started dating about a year after I left. They got engaged eight months ago and have been married for two. They returned from their honeymoon just a couple of weeks before I came back.

From what I can piece together in Jacob's mind, Bella was hideously depressed after I left. One of Jacob's worst memories of Bella was of the night I left. Apparently, she had gotten lost in the woods, something I had dreaded and tried to prevent by leaving a note for Charlie. One of the Quileute men, Sam Uley, found her lying on the forest floor, drenched with rain and shivering, her lips a pale blue. Her face was so ghostly and lifeless that Jacob had thought she was dead as Sam carried her into the crowd of men who had formed the search party. It was only when she muttered, "He's gone," that he realized that she was alive, only in shock. After that, she didn't eat and lost a significant amount of weight for someone of her size. Her eyes, already large, seemed to fill up her whole face. Her lovely curves shrunk and were replaced by bones that jutted out in frightening ways. She didn't sleep much either, and always looked haggard. Charlie told Jacob about her having nightmares that brought her out screaming. She was a zombie for months. This was before she started hanging around Jacob.

Suddenly, Bella got out of her zombie phase and started to engage in reckless activities, and it was these activities that brought Bella and Jacob together. Remembering that he built cars, Bella had brought over two decrepit motorcycles for Jacob to fix with her. After he repaired them, he taught her how to ride.

I had always known that Jacob had a thing for Bella, but at this point, his affection for her grew. Their relationship was rocky at first. It took Bella a few years to completely recover from her depression, but Jacob was persistent. He figured out that doing dangerous things helped Bella deal with her pain. Knowing that he would be unable to stop her even if he tried, he joined her, doing his best to protect her in her escapades. Through his memories, I saw them take hikes in the forest during the supposed bear attacks, ride motorcycles, and jump off a cliff into the ocean with a group of Jacob's friends.

Jacob's "friends" was a whole other issue. Perhaps "friends" wasn't the right word. "Pack" was more appropriate. That's right. Jacob was a member of a pack of werewolves, or rather shape-shifters who turn into wolves in order to protect the Quileute tribe and the people of Forks from vampires, vampires like me. This was why Alice couldn't see Bella clearly anymore. Bella's life is inextricably tied to Jacob's and Alice can't see the wolves. It could be because they are so unpredictable, or because she has never been a wolf herself.

The pack knew I was here, or at least that a vampire was nearby, but since there had been no deaths or disappearances, they had begun to relax some of their patrols. They were suspicious that it was a Cullen, but they didn't want to make big deal out of it, not wanting word to get around to Bella. I heard Jacob recall one of his friend's jokes about my presence as he and his pack debated who I was.

"There haven't been any missing people or suspicious deaths that we know of, so maybe it is a Cullen. If it is one of them, we've got to be careful. The fact that the scent is always near Jacob's house is another clue. Maybe they're checking in on Bella, not that I get why. If they were really worried about her, why did they leave in the first place? Then again, there hasn't been a slump in the local animal population either, so maybe it's not a Cullen."

I knew that if I revealed my presence, the treaty between the tribe and my family would protect me, but I didn't want them to know it was me for sure. First of all, even if my leaving had allowed Jacob to enter Bella's life, he still hated me for causing her pain. If he knew it was me lurking outside his house, he would probably try to kill me. With his pack's help, he might succeed, and I wasn't ready to die…yet. Secondly, even if Jacob didn't kill me, he sure as hell wouldn't let me stand out here, peeping at his wife.

Seeing Bella was a relief, but also pain, pain that was in some ways worse than the pain I had suffered while away from her. This current misery was much more multifaceted than my previous anguish, and thus more intense, though I wasn't as hopeless, because I had learned something: I would never live without her in my life again. Whether this meant that I would find some way to get her back, or whether I would just remain a vampire stalker for the rest of her life, it didn't matter. All that mattered was that I get to see her, hear her, smell her, and most of all, watch over her and protect her if necessary.

I could divide my pain into eight categories. First, there was the pain from leaving her in the first place, of not being able to call her mine anymore. I had carried this over from my time away from her.

Second, there was the pain in watching her love Jacob. She undeniably loved him. I could see it in the fervent way she looked at him and in the way she molded her body to his when he held her. I could hear it in the tenderness in her voice as she spoke to him or of him. I heard it in her panic when he had to go on patrol. I heard it as she sighed, called, and even shouted his name in her sleep, in the throes of passionate lovemaking, in their arguments, and in their everyday conversation. Jacob, Jacob, Jacob. Her voice wrapped around that name like a blanket.

My third pain was related to the pain in knowing Bella loved Jacob. As I have stood here, I have had to listen to them make love many, many times. Jacob loves Bella well and always leaves her satisfied. I know that I could never satisfy Bella like that. How could I, cold, restrained, and repressed as I am? I remembered how Bella had wanted me in that way, how she threw herself into every kiss, always pushing the boundaries of my restraint. I wasn't able make love to her the way I wanted to and I never would. But how I longed to be with Bella in that way! To feel her warm body pressed against mine, her hot mouth moving with my own, her legs wrapped around me, her breath fast and panting, her skin glowing with sweat, her heart racing. Voyeur though I was, I took no pleasure in hearing her do these things with Jacob.

My fourth pain was in knowing that I had failed to protect her in a few different, though equally devastating, ways. First, my leaving did not save her. I had always thought I was the most dangerous thing in her life, but I was wrong. Jacob was the one who had to step in for my lack of foresight; he was her protector now. Victoria had come for Bella. She sent Laurent first, something I had not anticipated. When the pack took him down, she came herself. As I had experienced, Victoria had a gift for evasion. It took a while, but the pack finally overtook her, and they destroyed her as I had longed to do. They succeeded in ways I never had.

My fifth pain was that Bella was pregnant— five and a half months to be exact. Her curves were softened by the pregnancy, her breasts fuller, her body making itself ready for the birth of her child. She had that glow that healthy and happy expectant mothers often have. She was absolutely beautiful like this. This was another thing that Jacob could give her that I could not. I could not give her a daughter like the one she carried inside of her, Laurel Sarah Black. The name of this child was like a bitter taste on my tongue. I would never be a father. My seed could never soften and fill out Bella's body or make her glow as she did now.

My sixth pain was in knowing the many ways Jacob could hurt Bella, and that I was unable to do anything to protect her. If Jacob ever lost his temper with Bella, he could kill her, or at least disfigure her. I saw Emily Young's face in Jacob's mind, a brutal reminder of what he could do to my sweet, trusting Bella.

He could also leave her. This pain was mixed up with desire. I both wanted and feared that Jacob would leave Bella. I've heard him think about the imprinting phenomenon. Sometimes he worries that he hasn't imprinted on Bella. He's afraid that he'll imprint on someone else. How could he leave her after everything they had been through? They went through my own leaving, Jacob's transformation, Victoria coming for Bella, and much later, Charlie's dying from a heart attack. Now, they were married and expecting their first child. How could he leave her after all of that? Other times he feels sanguine in the belief that if he hasn't imprinted after so many years, he's not likely to now. Besides, what would be the point? He didn't need to imprint from a genetic standpoint. His genes were already being passed on. Nor did he need a soul mate. He had Bella, and he was committed to her. She was his soul mate.

If Jacob left Bella, the way would be more open for me, but she would be very hurt. I may be the last thing she wants to see. Realistically, Jacob's leaving may make no difference for me because she may not be able to forgive me. This was my seventh pain. How could she ever forgive me for what I did?

My last pain was that I could not kill Jacob Black, as much as I might wish to. I could not walk into their tiny house and rip him limb from limb for daring to love my Bella. He was the father of her child and she loved him. Also, I owed him for all the ways he had helped, healed, and protected Bella. It rankled, but for these reasons, I could not kill him. How could I kill the one man who made her happy? I had destroyed her in leaving and I had failed in not protecting her. How could I add his death to the long list of my sins against her?

Amidst all of my pain and fear, there were moments of hope. There were times, mostly when Jacob was gone, that Bella got a look on her face that made me think she was remembering something. She would often sigh during these times. Was she thinking of me?

Then, I was still in her dreams, even after all this time. It didn't happen very often, but when it did, I felt a thrill. Tonight was one of those nights. Jacob was up late working on the crib he was building. Bella waited up for him for a long time, but then finally gave up and went to bed. After she had been asleep for a little while, a low, soft moan came out of her throat. My ears pricked up, so did Jacob's I noticed.

"Mmm, Edward…Please… Don't stop…Mmm…" She was quiet for a while.

I heard Jacob sigh and then grumble, "Not this again. Stupid bloodsucker."

Bella let out a whimper. Jacob stood up. "Don't leave, please don't leave. I'll die! Don't you care? Don't you care about the baby? Edward!"

Worried about her, Jacob began walking up the stairs, but then froze at their bedroom's doorframe, because Bella then said, "It was supposed to be you, Edward, not him." At this statement, I froze just as Jacob had. After a moment of stillness, his hands began to shake. Then, Bella said as clear as anything, "I don't want you anymore."

He took three deep breaths to stop the shaking, and then went over to the bed. He shook Bella's shoulder gently. "Bella? Wake up! It was just a dream. Wake up!"

She must have opened her eyes, because she said, "Jake?"

"Hey."

"What's wrong?"

"You were just having a bad dream."

"Oh." She sounded embarrassed.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Um, I'm not sure," she hedged, sounding nervous.

"It's okay. I know it was about _him_." He said the pronoun with significance. Apparently, I was an unmentionable in their house.

Bella let out a sigh. "It was just the forest that night, but a little different. I was 17 again, but I was pregnant. I think it was Mike Newton's baby. Wow, I haven't thought about him in a long time. Anyways, I guess the baby was Mike's, only because he took it from _him_ somehow; it didn't really make sense."

"You said, 'I don't want you anymore.' Who were you saying that to?"

"No, that was… that was _him_. He said that…that day."

Jacob growled and pulled Bella to himself. "He was an idiot."

Bella laughed a little but then made a tisking noise. "Jake! Anyways, I'm sorry. Did I make you worry?"

"A little. You haven't dreamt about him in a while."

"I know… I've been thinking about him a lot recently."

"You have?" Jacob sounded unsure about this new information.

"Yeah, all the…Cullens actually. It doesn't hurt so much anymore, so I've been wondering what they've been doing and stuff. They were such a big part of my life. It would be hard to forget them."

"Yeah." Jacob was trying to be reasonable and understanding, but he was still worried. Deep down, he still felt that if any of my family came around, Bella would leave him. "So, um, before the whole weird forest scene, was something else happening?" I knew he was referring to the moaning and asking me not to stop.

Bella laughed a little shakily. "Umm, well, that was Edward, but also Mike. It kept going back and forth, you know. No wonder it was so confusing who the baby belonged to."

"Huh, weird."

"Definitely. So, are you going to come to bed or what?"

Jacob let out a huff of surprise at something Bella was doing. He let out a low rumble, almost a purr, and joined her in the bed. I couldn't stand listening to this tonight, not after all she said, so I silently walked far enough away that I wouldn't hear her, fully intending on coming back in a little while.

When I came back to the little yellow house, Bella and Jacob were both asleep. Jacob was dreaming about running through the woods as a wolf. As usual, I had no idea what Bella was dreaming about.

"Edward," she finally said. I smiled.

**1 Bella describes what Edward did when he left in this way in _New Moon_. I attributed it to Edward here. **


	2. Guardian

**A/N: I don't own the _Twilight Saga_, or any of its characters.**

Chapter Two

The morning after Bella's weird and possibly revealing dream, Jacob went to school. It was the first day of his second semester at the local community college. Bella, who had already graduated from college, was working at the local library trying to expand their book collection and programs. Being the stalker that I was, I always followed her to work and watched her through the eyes of her coworkers and the occasional patrons of the library. She was expecting a shipment of books today and was very excited about the prospect.

I watched her as she shelved some books and smiled when the elderly librarian reprimanded her for doing heavy lifting while pregnant. I laughed when Bella protested, saying she was perfectly fine. How little she had changed in all the years since I was last with her! But the librarian was right. Bella wasn't looking so good. She kept rubbing her back and stomach as if they were in pain. I was worried, as was the librarian. She wondered several times if she should send Bella home.

Around eleven o'clock in the morning, the delivery truck pulled up to the library. I groaned when I recognized the mental voice of the driver. Mike Newton! What the hell was he doing here? It was strange to realize that the resentment and jealousy I used to feel for him still lingered in me. When he walked into the building, he looked over the backside of the young woman in front of him. I easily recognized that it was Bella. I covered my eyes as if to protect myself from his mental lasciviousness. He obviously hadn't changed much.

_Damn! That is one hot ass! Oh shit! It's Bella Swan! Whoa, she's pregnant! I wonder who the lucky bastard was. Oh yeah, didn't mom tell me she got married? _

"Bella Swan?" He asked, editing his revolting thoughts.

"Mike! Hey!"

Her warm smile and the light blush that crept over her features momentarily stunned Mike. _Maybe she's not with him anymore. I wouldn't mind tapping that while I'm here, even if she is pregnant. She's still as hot as hell!_

Bella continued. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm just working for a bit. I finished up at UCLA and came back to save up some money. What about you, what are you doing?"

"Well, I'm pregnant as you can see."

"Yeah, who's the dad?" Bella's face lit up. I stifled a groan at her joyful expression. Mike did too.

"Jacob Black. Do you remember him? He's from La Push. You've met him."

"Oh, the big Quileute kid?"

"Yup, that's him."

"Oh, well congratulations. Is he the guy you married?"

"Yeah."

"So, you're still together?"

"Yeah." Bella looked amused by Mike's obvious disappointment. "So, do you have some books for me?"

"Um, yeah, uh, you just have to sign here and I'll bring them in."

Bella signed the clipboard. As Mike walked out, Bella leaned over and clutched her stomach. She winced and I almost ran into the library and demanded that she go to her doctor, or at least to go home. When Mike walked back in, carrying a large box, she straightened back up and let go of her stomach. He informed her that he had two more boxes. She went and sat down and started to take deep breaths. What was she doing? I started panicking. What was wrong with her? Was she having early contractions—Braxton Hicks? Was she going into labor? Could it be something worse, like placental abruption?

The library phone rang and the librarian came over to tell Bella she had a phone call. Bella went to the phone, still breathing deeply and rubbing her stomach, her forehead creased like it always did when she was worried. "Hello, this is Bella…Oh, hey Jake…What's wrong?.…Okay. I won't wait up, then. Tell the guys I said hi...Okay… Love you!" She hung up the phone. "Mrs. Glen? I think I need to go home."

Mrs. Glen looked concerned. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I am, I'm just having some cramping."

"Oh, honey. You just go on home. Call me if you can't come in tomorrow."

"I'm sure I'll be fine."

"Okay, feel better, Bella."

"Thanks."

In a few minutes, Bella came out of the library. She was slightly hunched over, the crease of concern still on her forehead. I followed her home. When she got there, she called Jacob and left a message.

"Jake? I think I need to go into the doctor. Don't worry, though. I'm sure everything is okay. I'm just getting these cramps. I'm not sure how long I'll be, but I wanted to be sure and let you know where I'm going. Okay, baby, I'll see you later." She then called what sounded like her doctor's office. "Hi, this is Isabella Black. I'm getting these strong cramps and I'm wondering if I should come in… Twenty-two and a half weeks… Every 15 minutes or so… Um, no, I haven't noticed any. Okay, I'll be there in about 10 minutes. Thanks. Bye." I heard her slowly rise from the couch.

Bella came back out of the house and got in the car. I sniffed the air, checking for bleeding. No blood—yet. From what she said, her symptoms did not sound good. Usually Braxton Hicks contractions don't happen so frequently. But if she wasn't bleeding, that was a good sign— maybe it wasn't placental abruption. If it was preterm labor, though (the contractions could be an indication of this), the baby had a very, very minimal chance of surviving. She would only weigh a pound and her lungs wouldn't be fully developed.

I followed Bella towards her doctor's office at Fork's Hospital in my newly acquired car (nothing fancy— drawing attention to myself was the last thing I wanted to do these days). I noticed that she drove faster than she used to. Was it because she was braver, or was it because she was scared? For the thousandth time since I met her, I cursed the fact that I couldn't read her mind. Then, I reminded myself that it didn't matter. Even if I could read her mind and she was scared, what could I do about it? I'd only further torture myself. As it was now, I could only guess.

As I drove, I was careful to always keep at least one car between us, but still maintained a careful eye on her driving and the thoughts of others on the road. Considering Bella's luck and her old pattern of attracting any danger towards herself, an accident was probably more likely to happen to her today than for other people.

When we were less than a mile away from the hospital, I heard the dozing thoughts of a man driving in the opposite direction. His car began to drift onto our side of the road. I panicked. Almost as if I had been blessed with Alice's abilities, I knew something like this would happen. Bella seemed to panic as well. Even though the current trajectory of the man and Bella's cars meant that he would hit the car between us, she swerved to the right, over-compensating. I winced as her car rammed into a telephone pole. The sleepy driver jerked awake and swerved back into his side of the road, and the car between Bella and me rear-ended into Bella's back bumper.

I shot out of my car without thinking and ran at vampire speed to Bella's car and wrenched open the driver-side door. The air bag had popped out of the steering wheel and was pressing into Bella's abdomen and chest. Her head was resting on the back of her seat. Her face was towards me and I noted with concern that her eyes were closed and that there was a light sheen of sweat covering her otherwise beautiful face. I was also immediately hit with an onslaught of the scent of blood— her blood. A trickle of it ran down her bare calf below her pale pink skirt.

I slashed the airbag open and assessed the situation more, all the while yelling for someone to call an ambulance. I then ripped off Bella's seatbelt. I would have run with her myself or at least driven her, but I knew that waiting for an ambulance was the least likely way to cause suspicion. I added to my frantic yell that the injured woman was pregnant, bleeding, and unconscious.

As I checked her pulse— it was racing, I whispered to her. "Bella, Bella, open your eyes. Please be okay!" I rested a hand on her cheek. As soon as my palm caressed her face, her eyes flew open. Several emotions played in her chocolate brown eyes as they met my own: shock, disbelief, and inexplicably, relief.

"Edward?" she whispered back.

She then turned her face away from me, let out a gut-wrenching cry, and clutched her belly.

"Bella, I'm going to get you out of the car. An ambulance is on its way. You're going to be okay. Before I take you out, does anything hurt that is unrelated to the contractions? An arm, a leg, your neck?" I wanted to be sure I didn't jostle anything and make any injuries she had incurred in the accident worse.

She gripped my arm. "The baby, Edward, the baby. I'm loosing her . . .I-I-I'm bleeding. Edward, please!"

"I know, Bella, I'm so sorry, but you've got to tell me, does anything else hurt?"

She hesitated, still clearly focusing on her panic. "My neck," she finally panted.

"Okay, you've probably got some nasty whiplash. You were driving pretty quickly when you rammed into the pole."

"Edward, I . . .the baby."

"Okay, I'm getting you out." As gently as I could, I pulled her from the car, being careful to cradle her neck to prevent her neck from falling back, almost as if she were an infant herself. I laid her on the ground and crouched a little behind her, my arm slung protectively around her.

As she seemed to be okay for the moment, I turned my attention to the thoughts and reactions of the small crowd gathered around us. There was shock and concern, but no suspicion. It didn't look like anyone had noticed my inhuman speed from earlier. There was some concern that I shouldn't have moved her from the car, though.

"I'm a doctor, but this woman needs to get to the hospital as soon as possible. Did someone call an ambulance?"

The man who had been driving between Bella's car and mine answered. "Yes, they are on their way."

Just as he was finishing this explanation, Bella was gripped by another contraction. The steady stream of blood running down her leg increased. She grabbed onto my arm and squeezed tightly as she was hit with the pain. With the hand that I had around her, I cupped her face. I whispered into her ear over and over, "You're going to be okay." Her scream was joined by the wail of the ambulance.

As the ambulance pulled up and the paramedics rushed out, the crowd scattered somewhat, making room for the three EMTs. They asked Bella and me a few quick questions, assessed her for transport and then put her on the stretcher. Bella gripped my hand, refusing to let go. Was this because of the pain? Was it because I was a familiar face to help her confront this terrifying situation? Had she forgiven me already? Or, was she just in so much shock that she hadn't really thought through the implications of my sudden reappearance? Or, was it something else altogether? As usual, I was stumped when it came to her motives.

The EMTs noticed her grip of my arm. "You need to let go, Ma'am."

Bella's eyes widened with panic. "No, no, Edward! Please!"

The paramedics looked up to me in surprise. "Are you family, Sir?"

"No," I quickly told them. Despite my skill at lying, I knew that lying about our relationship wouldn't get past them. I was positive that they got that one all the time.

As I said this, I watched Bella's face. Hurt and fear flitted across it. I cringed internally. Now that I was with her, how could I leave her, even for such a small amount of time? Besides, I needed to be there for her, to help her. I couldn't bear to see them take her away when she was in such agony, when she was losing her baby, when her husband was not around to help her.

This pain must have shown, because one of the paramedics told me that they would let me come, but that once we got to the hospital, she would have to go into Labor and Delivery without me. I nodded, thankful, but still worried, dreading the moment we would separate.

Bella looked relieved as well, but then was slammed with another wave of pain. The EMTs took this as a sign that they needed to get going, and they encouraged me to get into the front seat as they wheeled and lifted Bella into the main compartment. I flashed one of them my medical license. It was a fake, of course, although authentic in a way (I had graduated from medical school more than once). I informed them I would ride in the back. They narrowed their eyes, but let me in with Bella.

The ride to the hospital was quick. Once we reached the hospital, I ran along with the EMTs until we reached the double doors of Labor and Delivery.

"You'll have to stay here, Sir," the female technician informed me.

I had to let go of Bella's hand now, even though I wished I could stay with her and know everything that was going through her head, but she needed to get inside.

As I let go of her hand, I just told her, "I'll call Jacob." I held up the phone I had filched from her bag for her to see.

She looked relieved and hopeful at this, but then unsure, and finally, dazed. I squeezed Bella's hand again. She then said something I hadn't expected. "You're real." Her face then reflected pain and the hurt of betrayal.

_Shit_, I thought, as fear, desperation, and worry wracked my brain. What did she think about my reappearance? Was she scared? Was she going to be okay physically? Emotionally? How in the hell was I going to talk to Jacob? What would I tell him? Would we be able to control our emotions as we confronted each other again? If things got ugly, would I be able to preserve his life for Bella's sake?

I gripped my head in acute distress— almost pulled my hair out actually, but then let go and took several calming, though unnecessary breaths, and called Jacob. I was immediately sent to voicemail.

"Jacob, Bella's in labor. She's losing the baby. And yes, it's Edward. You need to get here as soon as you can. She needs you, okay? Not me, you."

I hung up without a farewell. Even though I was loath to see him again and relinquish my care of Bella to him, I hoped that he would take my message seriously and get here soon.

Just in case, I scrolled down Bella's contact list for another name of someone who could be with her. I came upon Emily Uley's name. Without thinking further about whether Bella would want me to call her, I pressed the send button.

After three rings, a sweet, melodic voice answered. "Hey Bella! What's up?"

"This is actually not Bella. This is Edward Cullen."

There was a pause.

"What are you doing using Bella's phone? Does she know you're here?"

"Look, she knows. Emily, she's in labor and neither Bella nor I were able to reach Jacob. You're the only other person I thought I could call."

"I'll be there in twenty-five minutes." She hung up the phone.


	3. Losses

**A/N: I don't own the _Twilight Saga_, or any of its characters. **

Chapter Three

After I was done with my calls, I paid more attention to the nurses and doctors attending Bella. One nurse was taking Bella's vital signs and checking the brace the paramedics had strapped around her neck. Another was checking how far she was dilated. Another had just started the ultrasound to check the placental position and fetal heart rate.

After beginning the ultrasound, the nurses looked at Bella in sympathy and the doctor spoke up. "Mrs. Black, I'm afraid the placenta completely detached and that there is no longer a heat beat. I'm so sorry."

I started pacing, so sad and scared for Bella.

I heard her let out a keening cry and then a sob. "No, no!" But, then she was gripped with another contraction. They were coming about every two-and-a half-minutes and lasting about a minute to 70 seconds each time.

"Mrs. Black, at this point, it looks like you're going to have to deliver the baby normally. You're about eight-centimeters dilated. You're almost there."

After her contraction, Bella started to sob again. "Jacob, Jacob. I need Jacob."

"Is Jacob your husband, Ma'am?"

"Yes," she choked out.

"Does he know you're in labor?

"I don't know . . . Edward said . . . Edward said . . . he was calling."

"Okay, Ma'am. Take some deep breaths. Is there anyone else we could call to come help you?" I "heard" in the nurse's thoughts that she was rubbing Bella's back. I was glad she had a sympathetic nurse.

"Emily Uley."

"Uley. That name sounds familiar. Is she Quileute?"

Bella nodded, the tears still streaming down her face.

"Do you have her number?"

"No, it's on my phone. My phone . . . Edward has my bag." She let out a sob and then a scream as another contraction came on, less than two minutes after the last one.

After this one was done, the nurse asked her, "Do you think Edward would call her for you?"

"Could you please ask him?"

"Of course. I'll be right back."

I heard the helpful nurse walk towards the doors. As she walked out, the nurse's eyes widened in surprise at my being right there and at my physical appearance. _Wow, _she thought. I fought back a growl as I recognized her, suddenly realizing how bad this would have been if she had recognized me as well, or if anyone else I knew was here. Boy was I stupid, but I wouldn't leave Bella at this point. I'd lie as much as I needed to just to stay.

"Um, are you Edward? I'm the nurse seeing to Bella Black. Considering everything she has been through, we think she could use some support. I'll help her through the delivery, but she's going to need emotional support afterwards. She told me that you were unable to reach her husband. She would like you to try her friend Emily Uley. Would you mind calling her?"

I forced a smile at the nurse, being careful not to show my teeth. "Actually, I called her several minutes ago. Emily is on her way."

"Wow, thank you. I'll let Mrs. Black know."

She strode back into Labor and Delivery, only shooting me one more glance before the doors swung shut. Once she was out of sight, I resumed my pacing.

Minutes passed as I paced in the hallway, feeling impotent in the face of Bella's situation. By the time Emily arrived, Bella's contractions were back to happening every three minutes. I breathed a sigh of relief when I heard Emily's concerned thoughts, not only because she was here now, but because she had passed the information around to the whole pack. In case Jacob didn't check his phone, the first of the pack to see him would let him know to come to the hospital.

When Emily came down the hallway, she glared at me suspiciously, but didn't say anything. What was I doing here after so many years, she thought? Why had I come back? What did this mean for Sam and the other wolves? Did they know I was here? Had Bella been seeing me behind Jacob's back? At this last question, she inwardly shuddered and gave herself a reproof. She was sure that Bella would never do anything behind Jacob's back. If Bella had been seeing me, Jacob would have known because of the smell, for one thing, but also because of Bella's inability to deceive, and because she (being Emily) was sure that Bella loved Jacob.

When Emily reached Bella, she gave her a tight hug and immediately took over comforting her and trying to ease some of her physical discomfort. She, like Bella, shed some tears after she was told how Bella had lost the baby. She didn't dare ask her about my presence, afraid of bringing on more distress. After an hour and a half, Bella went into hard labor. Altogether, the whole process was being a lot shorter than for other women. First-time mothers could be in labor for days, though the average was between 12 and 18 hours. I was glad of this. Bella was going to be a wreck after the birth. A short labor meant less pain for her.

Bella stayed in hard labor for two hours, pushing as the nurses, doctor, and Emily told her to. Even in her exhausted state, as soon as the after-birth was delivered, Bella wanted to hold her child. As soon as the nurses checked for vital signs and listened for its heart, they cleaned Laurel up and then handed her to Bella. Laurel was a tiny thing, just weighing one pound, four ounces. Bella cradled the small blue body and cried. Emily wrapped her arms around Bella and murmured what comforting words she could offer.

After giving her some time, the baby was finally taken away and Bella was removed to a regular hospital room. As they wheeled her past me, Emily looked up at me, but Bella kept her eyes down. If I had a functioning heart, it would have broken at seeing her dejected expression.

Jacob still hadn't shown up. I was torn between staying at the hospital in case Bella needed anything and hunting down Jacob myself. He should be here for her sake!

Thankfully, Bella sank into sleep. I hoped that it would ease not only her physical discomfort and exhaustion, but also her emotional pain. I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket for the tenth time since Bella was in the accident. I expected it to be Alice, but it was Carlisle this time.

Since I had left Bella and my family, Carlisle's calls were infrequent. From past experience, he knew that he couldn't change my mind once it was made up. When he did call, it was usually because there was some big change on the horizon, such as a move. Every once in a while he called to see how I was faring emotionally. I imagined Esme influenced those calls. As she had the last time I had disbanded from the family, she was distraught by my absence and my suffering, whether real or imagined by her. Sometimes Carlisle called because Alice had seen something and I had been ignoring her phone calls. I imagined that this call was due to one of the last two options.

I left the hallway I was standing in by the nurse's station and went into an emptier one. The first thing I heard when I answered the call was Carlisle's concerned, but still calm, voice. "Edward, is she alright?"

I sighed, not knowing how to answer that. "She's alive."

"What happened? Alice saw—"

"What did she see?"

"Well, Bella got really clear all of the sudden, clearer than she has been in four years or so. Then, there was a flurry of images really close together— of an accident, blood, Bella in. . . . what she said looked like labor. What is going on?"

Even though I knew nobody was listening, I lowered my voice to the point that anyone other than Carlisle would not understand me. "I don't know why Bella was suddenly so clear; maybe because she was in so much danger. Anyways, she went into pre-term labor. On the way to her doctor's office, she was in an accident. I don't know if it was because of the trauma, but the placenta detached . . . "

Carlisle gasped. "She was pregnant?"

I groaned. "Yes. She lost the baby. Carlisle, I could have saved her. I could have run with Bella as soon as I saw the blood, but I was too afraid of exposure. I didn't realize how dire things were."

"What do you mean that you could of saved her? I thought you said Bella was alive. Did something else happen?"

"The baby. Bella was five-and-a-half months pregnant. It was a girl. Laurel is dead because of me."

"Oh no, Edward. It's not your fault. If you had run with Bella, you would have exposed her to a much greater danger. How is she? Is the father with her?"

"No, the stupid dog hasn't shown up yet."

"Dog?"

"Apparently, the line of werewolves didn't die out with Ephraim Black. His descendent is a shape shifter as well."

"Oh dear. She certainly attracts monsters, doesn't she? Well, who is with her now?"

"A friend. She— I don't think she'll want me around." I added in a whisper, "I've destroyed everything."

"She'll heal. She's resilient, you know that."

I sighed. "I've got to go."

"Edward, you need to come home. You're only killing yourself by staying there. You chose to let her have a life without you. As much as it will hurt you, especially now, you have to let her live that life. Come home to us. We miss you. Our family isn't complete without you."

Carlisle's voice held no hope in it. He knew that as much as I missed them, what my choice was going to be; he knew I wouldn't leave her.

I sighed again. "I'm sorry, Carlisle. Tell Esme that, too, and the others."

Carlisle sighed too. "I will. Take care, son."

I shut the phone and hung my head in shame for a moment, feeling the weight of disappointment I was causing him and the rest of my family.

Before I could wallow too much in my contrition, I recognized Jacob's thoughts close by. Usually his thoughts were clear and straightforward, easy to understand, but now they were a tangled mass of feelings, images, and thoughts, each one conflicting the others. Fear, shame, anguish, confusion, guilt, anger, worry, sorrow, and loss warred in his head. Bella's face, her belly, their lovemaking, Sam, the pack, a growling gray wolf about to attack, and the face of a woman I didn't recognize all crowded his thoughts.

I tensed in anticipation of how he would react when he saw me standing outside of Bella's room. When Jacob finally rounded the last corner, his eyes met mine. His reaction was mostly what I had expected, but there were some other emotions in there that I would have to consider after our confrontation. I knew it would be just that, a confrontation.

As I had expected, a low growl escaped his throat and his body shook just slightly. However, I could tell that even though he was angry, he was in control and wouldn't transform.

"I would ask you what you were doing here, but I already know. Haven't you done enough damage, bloodsucker?"

I ignored the barb and simply answered his question, accusing him with my look, my words, and my tone. "To watch over her, of course, something which you haven't been doing."

Jacob took in several breaths, first affronted, but then stung by the truth of my words. I looked on him with hate, but didn't add anything to my statement because Emily had just realized that Jacob was here and was walking across Bella's room to join us.

When she came out, her eyes first flickered to mine, wary, but then onto Jacob. She took in his broken expression and a few tears ran down her face in anticipation of what she was going to have to tell him. Jacob blanched, understanding that Emily didn't have any good news to share. She went to him and reached up her hands to cradle his face. Jacob bent his body a little so that she could. He looked terrified. In his mind, all I could hear was, "No, no, no."

"Bella?" he whispered.

"She's okay," Emily whispered back.

"Laurel?"

"She didn't make it, Jake."

Some tears coursed down Jacob's face now. His body slumped even more. His guilt increased. Suddenly, he fell to his knees. Emily cradled his head on her chest.

"No, Em, please, no. I can't do this. I can't. Em, I've broken her."

"Jake, it's not your fault."

"No, I—Oh Em, I can't do this. It's just like Sam and Leah. I've broken her."

Suddenly an onslaught of images came into his mind. Bella after I left her, haunted and gaunt, and then another woman's face. He tried to quell it, but desperation and a kind of love, or at least sense of commitment, filled him as that face came into his mind.

I froze as the pieces came together, but then rushed to his side, fists clenched, ready to batter him into the floor and all the way to the hospital's foundation. Emily held out her hand to stop me. Jacob didn't seem to register me at all, so caught up was he in his grief.

"Jake, what happened?" She asked this breathlessly. I could tell that she already intuitively knew and that it shocked and pained her greatly.

"Emily, I imprinted." He whispered this very quietly, but Emily still heard it.

She gasped. "Today?"

"Yes, that's why I was so late. I had to talk to Sam and the others after my classes."

"It wasn't Bella?"

"No," he moaned.

Emily fell to her knees as well and wrapped her arms around him. Jacob moaned again and more tears gushed out of his eyes.

"Oh, Jake, I'm so sorry!"

After a couple more moments, Jake raised his face and met my furious gaze.

"Now we've both broken her," he said. "We're even." Another tear slipped out.

Emily also turned her face and looked at me. I heard her wonder why I hadn't killed both of them, Jake for not being there for Bella and for having imprinted on someone other than Bella, and her for comforting and protecting him. As we stared at each other, an odd thing happened to me. My body relaxed and my fury calmed, and it was all because of the emotion that followed after the initial disbelief: trust. Emily Young, the mate of the alpha werewolf, trusted me not to harm them, to never hurt Bella again.

_It's your turn to heal her now, Edward. Love her, and never, ever leave her again_, she thought towards me. Apparently, she knew about my mind reading.

Jacob, too, noticed my sudden calm. He didn't comment, though.

"Go to her, Jake," I told him gently.

They both stood now and walked to the room where Bella was still sleeping. Emily walked through the entry, but Jacob stopped at the doorway and turned to look at me again.

_She'll forgive you. She already has_, he thought.

I grimaced, not really believing him.

_Just give me a little time with her and then . . . when I leave her . . ._ Jake paused at this thought, another tear falling, _she'll be yours again, as if you had never left, as if I had never loved her, as if the last seven years never happened_.

I felt a sharp pain for Jacob, as much as I was still angry with him. "It's not going to be so simple," I whispered.

_Loving Bella never is. I'll call you when it's time_, he thought, and then turned away from me.


	4. Planning

**A/N: I don't own the _Twilight Saga,_ or any of its characters. **

Chapter Four

I didn't want to leave, but I would, knowing it was the right thing to do, to give them time to mourn their loss, for Jacob to tell the truth, and for them to say goodbye. I only heard him wake Bella and her whimper his name before I blocked out their voices and thoughts. Instead, I focused on the rest of the thoughts around me. I let them crowd me in. Now that I was paying attention to them, they overwhelmed me just as they had when I first stepped into a busy crowd after my transformation.

I let the voices burble with none standing out. I let them fill my head like static, until one grew in volume and intention. I closed my eyes, willing it to go into obscurity.

"Edward." I opened my eyes when that one mental voice was matched with one said out loud. Standing in front of me was Alice.

"Alice," I said. "What are you doing here?"

"Well, until this morning, I hadn't had a vision that I would be needed, but I had a feeling I should come."

"A feeling?" I asked, my voice flat. I closed my eyes again.

"Yes, a feeling. Oh, Edward, can't you just be happy to see me? I've missed you so much!"

I opened my eyes again and looked at my sister's face. My eyes and face softened. I smiled at her. "It's good to see you, Alice. I've missed you as well."

She sniffed. "Yeah, right," but she leaned in and hugged me, not immediately letting go. I wrapped my arms around her as well, somehow gaining comfort from her affection and her presence.

After a few moments, she let go. She gave me a bright smile, ruffled my unruly hair and then frowned. "Tell me what's happened."

I filled her in on everything that had happened so far. As I told her the story, her eyes grew larger and larger, until they seemed to fill her face.

"Poor Bella . . . It's a good thing the rest are coming. We'll need them. Especially Jasper, Esme, and Carlisle."

I stood up from the low brick wall we had been sitting on. "What? Alice, you shouldn't have told them to come!"

"I didn't, but they're coming all the same. I assume they decided after they called you, when I saw the blood and Bella in labor."

I sat down again, realizing that I wouldn't be able to fight my family's coming.

"This is risky," I muttered.

"Yes, but it's going to be okay. We won't be going out much."

I would have argued this, but truthfully, my mind was on other things. I couldn't focus on the potential danger of exposure when there was the much more present and threatening danger of Bella, of how she would take Jacob's confession, of how she would deal with both of her losses, of how she would respond to me, of whether she would forgive me or not. Despite Jacob's reassurance, I didn't really know how Bella could forgive me.

I dropped my head into my hands and moaned. Alice patted my back. "Maybe I should have let Jasper come with me."

"No, I deserve this. It's entirely my fault, Alice. If I didn't exist . . ."

"No, Edward! Your existence is not in question. That was out of your control, not your fault. Your only fault was in leaving her."

I looked up at her, surprised at her harsh and chiding tone. Her eyes were flashing dangerously. I looked back down.

"You're right. I couldn't hate myself for what I did anymore than I do right now."

Alice patted my back again, but didn't say anything for a little while. I listened to her thoughts and then watched the brief visions that flashed in her mind. The first was Bella curled up on a large bed in the fetal position in a dark room. The second was of Bella's face, still sad, but also accepting and even stoic. The last was another glimpse of her face, still the same, and yet so different. She was happy in this picture, or least more than she had been. She was smiling and the smile reached her eyes, though I could still see a little bit of pain. The most startling thing though, was the color of her eyes. They were golden.

I gasped at this last picture. Bella was going to be one of us? How? Had it been her decision, or had I claimed her in an act of ultimate selfishness? Her eyes were golden. That meant she was still with my family, or at least a "vegetarian." I supposed she could live the same way we did away from us. How did she feel about me in this picture? I hadn't failed to notice that I was absent from all of Alice's visions.

I stood up and started pacing. Alice stood up as well. She put one hand on my shoulder, stopping my pacing. I looked at her with wild eyes.

"What does this mean?" I asked her.

"It means that she is going to be okay, Edward, and that is what is important."

I relaxed. "You're right. It's just— I can't take her life away from her, Alice. She's already lost everything else. How could I condemn her to an eternity in which she would suffer the whole time?"

"Esme isn't suffering. She lost a baby, too."

"You're right."

"And anyways, what makes you think that she is changed because of your decision? It could be because of her own decision, as it should be, as it should have been for all of us."

"You're right." It seemed like I was saying that a lot today.

"Edward, look at me."

I looked into her grave, dark golden eyes. "It's going to be okay." She paused, waiting for me to relax some more. She would be waiting a long time.

Alice seemed to get this. She sighed. "And now, you need to go hunting. How long has it been, Edward?"

I grimaced. "Three years, give or take a few days."

She shuddered, imagining the pain in my throat.

"It's not that bad anymore."

"Regardless, we're going hunting. Being vegan isn't an option anymore."

I didn't bother smiling at her joke. "Ali, I don't know if I can leave her."

"We'll just go to a park nearby. Not that the wildlife will be enough for you. You'll probably rid the whole park of animals and still be thirsty." She smirked.

Trying to make her happy, I joked, "Perhaps we could move onto the zoo next, then."

Alice was right. Once I started drinking blood again, the thirst reared up inside of me. I drank and drank, almost like I was a newborn again. Eventually, I felt like I would burst, and so, even though the fire still lingered inside my throat, I stopped. The burn wasn't so bad, though. I felt strength in my limbs, in my whole body. My mind seemed quicker, as well. These changes helped me ignore the ache.

When I was done, Alice looked at me in satisfaction. "You look much better. Now we just need to find you some new clothes."

I groaned, but let her drag me towards our old house. Alice would have rather clothed me in something newer, more up-to-date, but knowing how much I wanted to be back at the hospital, even if just sitting uselessly outside, she settled for the male haute couture of seven years ago.

Once I was deemed suitable, we went back to the same hospital wall we had been sitting on before. I listened for Jacob, Emily, and Bella just long enough to make sure they were still there.

Alice seemed to be doing the same thing in her own way. "They're going to keep her here until at least tomorrow evening, maybe the next morning. Oh, and our family is going to get here about 11:30 tonight."

I opened my mouth to complain, but Alice interrupted me. "You know, I think that you have forgotten that you are not the only Cullen who loves Bella. None of us have stopped caring about her."

"You sure are bossy today."

"Maybe I haven't forgiven you yet."

I bowed my head in shame, thinking how much pain I must have caused her.

"Jasper has been depressed the whole time you've been gone, Edward, and it kills me, and makes me down-right mad." She stomped her foot at this. It was such an Alice thing to do that it almost made me smile. "He still feels like it's all his fault."

I sighed. "It's not his fault. He shouldn't blame himself."

"I know. I've told him all that, but it doesn't do any good. I don't think he'll get over it until he sees Bella okay."

I conceded to her point even though I didn't think Jasper should be torturing himself. It wasn't his fault that he had _such_ a violent and unrestrained past, that it tainted his current and relatively peaceful lifestyle.

We were silent for a few minutes, each of us thinking about our loves, when Alice took hold of my arm. "Someone is coming to see you— a woman."

I looked at her in confusion. Who would be coming to see me? I listened to the thoughts in the hospital. Emily Young was heading towards the front lobby, planning on talking to me. She was blocking any further thoughts, whether intentionally or not, I did not know. I assumed she was coming to give me some sort of update on Bella, and I was grateful for that.

I told Alice that it was Emily coming to see me and shared with her my impression that Emily trusted me, and what she had told me earlier when Jacob had arrived at the hospital.

"Wow, that's quite impressive."

"Yes."

Just then, Emily came walking out of the sliding doors. She looked around the parking lot, but when she saw Alice and me by the wall, she walked over to us.

"What does she want?" Alice asked me in a low whisper.

I shrugged so minutely that only Alice would have seen the movement.

When she approached us, her eyes flickered to Alice. I could hear her note Alice's golden eyes and then wonder who the petite woman was.

"Emily, this is my sister, Alice."

Alice didn't wait for further introductions. "Emily, how is she?"

Emily was momentarily shocked by the concern on Alice's face, but she looked to me and spoke.

"She's awake now. Jake is still with her. I think they are going to keep her for at least another 24 hours, maybe more."

"Has he told her yet?"

"No, and that's one of the reasons I wanted to speak with you. Jake is not sure when he's going to tell her. We're both worried about what she'll do and whom she can go to afterwards. I'd open my home to her, but with the pack always at my house and what with how similar Jake's imprinting is to Sam's, she may not want that."

Before I could speak, Alice responded to Emily's concerns. "Even if Bella doesn't want anything to do with Edward, we will help her. My family is coming to help. She can stay with us if she wants. She'll have access to a doctor, round the clock care, and all the aid our abilities. Besides all of that, our mother lost a child when she was human as well. She may be able to help Bella more than anyone."

This information, especially the last bit about Esme warmed Emily. "Your mother lost a child?" She asked.

"Yes, that's how she was changed, actually. After her baby's death, she had nothing left. Her husband had been horribly abusive. Esme didn't think she had anything left to live for, so she jumped off a cliff. When they took her to the morgue, Carlisle saw that she was still alive, but that she would die unless he did something. He saved her by changing her. It's actually quite similar to how most of my family members were created."

Emily thought about this for a moment. When she spoke again, it was with slowness and deliberation. "The pack underestimates you. None of you had much of a say about your change."

"You're right, none of us did, even the others of our kind who were not created by Carlisle. If Bella still wants to change, she may be the only vampire in existence to have made that choice."

"You think Bella is going to want to be changed?"

"I don't have perfect knowledge, but I have reason to believe that she will. She wanted to before we left. That's one of the reasons why Edward here left in the first place. He didn't want to change her."

I scowled, but remained silent.

Emily thought about this and then looked at me. She took in my agitation. She could tell that I was uncomfortable with the whole topic. "Don't you think she has the right to make her own choice? If your change was similar to your mother's, then you know what it is like to have your choices taken away from you. We in the wolf pack know what it is like as well. Choices should be respected wherever they are granted."

"This is all hypothetical at this point. Bella may not be able to stand the sight of me. What makes you think she'd be able to bear me for eternity?"

Emily took this as seriously as I meant it. "She still loves you. She may not know it, but I think she does somehow, somewhere."

I felt a shiver flash down my spine. "What makes you say that?"

"Well, for one, she always defends you, even as the years passed and she became an unofficial member of the pack like me. She has defended all of your family, but you especially. She never lets Jacob speak harshly of you. Also, I know from experience how it is possible to love more than one person at a time."

As she made this last statement, I saw a flicker of hurt in her eyes. She, Jacob, and a girl named Leah knew what it was like to love and be loved by someone whose love was fractured into two pieces. Now there was a chance that I, too, would learn how that felt. I didn't know how to respond to all of this. I felt for Emily, Jacob, and the girl Leah's pain, but I didn't care for myself. I would take that fractured love; I would take as much of Bella as she chose to give me and be grateful, just like Emily and Jacob had done, Emily with her Sam and Jacob with Bella in the earlier days of their relationship, and maybe even now. Could it really be possible that Bella still loved me? Did I dare to hope?

No, I would not dwell on that possibility.

Alice spoke again. "Have they spoken about funeral arrangements?"

"No, they haven't yet, but I'm not sure what they'll do. They don't really have the money for that. The pack wants to pool together their resources to help, but most of the guys don't even have jobs."

"We'll take care of it," I said.

Emily regarded me. "I'm not sure that's right. I don't think Jake, Bella, or any of the pack would be very happy about it."

"We'll think of something so that nobody feels uncomfortable with it. Please don't tell them, though. We don't want to cause any trouble."

Emily laughed at this. _And yet, you still do_, she thought. "Well, alright. I think I should get back in. I only have one more thing I should say. If Bella wants to stay with you, I advise you to not stay in Forks for very long. Notwithstanding all that Bella has been through and her right to choose for herself, I'm not sure the pack will agree with her being changed. Jake, if he is reasonable about the whole thing, or I will contact you so that you'll know whether or not you are free to come and go in the area. That's all. Goodbye for now."

Both Alice and I nodded and Emily walked back into the hospital.

"I like her," Alice said.

"Yes."

"So, what are we going to do about the funeral?"

"I had an idea while you were telling her about Esme. What if we created a fund for needy families who have lost a child in Esme's name, or at least under her maiden name? We could contact the hospital and let them know that the fund is available for immediate submissions. All that would be required would be a written history of the loss and family information. All the information would then be submitted to 'the Board,' being us, and we would review the cases."

"So, we would do this for other families as well?"

"Sure, we could just have a limit. When that is met, the fund runs out and the hospital will be informed. We could tell them from the outset that the fund is limited. It would be suspicious if we only created the fund for one family."

"Okay, I actually really like this idea. Esme will like it as well."

"Of course she will."

"What will we call it?"

"How about the E. Platt Foundation For Families in Crisis?"

"Okay. Well, let's get started."

Alice and I quickly tabulated everything we needed to do in order to create the fund as soon as possible. We would need to enlist the help of our family's financial representatives and our fraudulent, though effective, lawyer, J. Jenks, or as he is known in more legitimate circles, Jason Scott. We had to tell each of them the gist of our situation, that everything needed to be completed as soon as possible; that there was already a situation that needed to be met, but that it could only be done under the guise of the foundation, due to its sensitive nature. We told them that we would start the process now, but would be waiting on the completion of their tasks within 24 hours. For both groups, we offered substantial compensation (and threats, in the case of Mr. Jenks) if they completed the tasks efficiently and satisfactorily.

We also had to contact the appropriate hospital personnel to inform them of the fund and tell them that submissions were being taken now, and that they should send a memo to the hospital social workers. We would send them an application and a list of requirements immediately.

Lastly, we had to tell Emily what we had done and get her to talk to the Labor and Delivery social worker in the morning to see if there was any aid Bella and Jacob could apply for. Hopefully, that social worker would have read the memo.

We went back to the house to create the documents for the hospital, calling Emily as we drove. She thought that the plan might just work and she was grateful that we were doing so much. She agreed to hunt down the social worker as soon as the morning shift started. We told her that if the plan didn't fall together in time, we would compensate any debts accrued for the funeral through the foundation.

When everything was done, we went back to the hospital and waited.


	5. Visitors

**A/N: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight, its characters, and my eternal gratitude for the endless entertainment they give me.**

Chapter Five

At 11:45, Alice headed back to the house to greet our family. I stayed at the hospital. There were too many things I needed to say and talk about with my family for me to go with her now. I knew that they would want me to stay with them and talk, but I needed to be here.

At about 12:30 in the morning, I heard Alice return. I recognized Esme's scent and footsteps accompanying her. When they reached me, the first thing Esme did was to wrap her arms around me in a tight embrace. It was strong enough to strangle a human. She let out a low sob, as if tears would come to her eyes.

"Oh, Edward, I've been so worried about you."

I pulled away from her and smiled down at her beautiful face. "I know, mom, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything."

"I know why you did what you did, but I still missed you terribly. Now, I want to tell you something. I know it's going to make you upset, but you need to listen."

In her head, she was reciting a poem by Emerson in order to prevent me from pulling out of her head what she wanted to say to me. Alice, too, was blocking her mind. This definitely made me worried.

"Edward, I'm going to go see Bella and talk to her. I'll explain to her that we're here and that she can come to us for anything; that she can come to _me_ for anything. That way, when Jacob tells her about the imprint, she'll have had time to process our return. Also, I think that if she asks, I'll explain to her why you're here, at least some of the reason. I'll tell her about Alice's visions and how you were worried and came to check on her at our insistence. I think she'll be able to grasp that much better than that you're here because you are still in love with her. Alice and I think that for now, it might be best for you to hold back a bit and let her get used to you before you come crashing back into her life."

I wasn't sure why she thought I would be upset by this idea. Actually, her plan was something I could easily agree to. Bella may be mad at me for what I did, and maybe even Alice, but I seriously doubted she could be mad at Esme. Esme was too kind, gentle, and motherly for anyone to be upset with for very long. Besides, out of all of us, Esme would probably be able to do the most for Bella, having been through a similar situation in losing her child when she was human. Bella would definitely need some nurturing when all this was over, and Esme was the best one for that.

I wondered how the rest of my family would deal with Bella's loss. Carlisle would be as kind and thoughtful as he always was, watching over her body and her health. Alice would pamper her, making sure she had everything she could ever want. Jasper would help in his usual understated way. He would try to soothe her grief and pain. He would lull her to sleep when it eluded her. He would calm any anger and resentment. Emmett would try to make her laugh and help her to find joy again. Rosalie, well, I didn't know how Rosalie would be. Rose had never much liked Bella, at first because Bella was the one to catch my eye and not her— not that she really wanted me herself. But, then, Rosalie's jealousy shaped itself into something deeper and more desperate. Rosalie ached over her lost chance of becoming a mother. She saw Bella's desire to join my family as throwing away every chance she would give anything for. She thought Bella was cold, selfish, shallow, and callous for dismissing, albeit unknowingly, her own deepest desires.

How would I act towards Bella? What would be my role if she came to live in my family's house? I guessed that all depended on how Bella reacted to me. I wanted to be by her side through everything, to hold her hand during the funeral, to wrap my arms around her body when she couldn't bear the agony. I wanted to kiss her senseless, just as I used to do, to erase the memories, even if just for a few minutes. I wanted to beg forgiveness, to show her by my actions that I would never leave her again, that I loved her, that I needed her.

I thought about my early days with her. When I was with her, I had to sacrifice my very nature to preserve her life. The burn in my throat was a symbol and a reminder of that sacrifice, the burnt offering to my earth-bound deity. How I wished that I could burn myself some more, to throw myself onto the pyre in order to demonstrate to Bella my repentance, my devotion to her, and my recommitment to being worthy of her. However, as much as Bella was a martyr herself, I knew she wouldn't be impressed by any grand gestures on my part. Nor would she be swayed by romantic sentiments or speeches. She would be more convinced by my forthright honesty with her and my persistent and unvarying presence in her life. As the old adage says, "Time heals all wounds." In this case, time would have to be the answer.

Alice and I followed Esme into the hospital, being careful to choose emptier hallways, steering clear of the hallways where there were voices that I recognized, or that Alice saw would be disastrous if we walked into. I had been lucky that the nurse from earlier hadn't recognized me. However, if anyone who had known us before saw the three of us together, strange and beautiful, they would definitely remember us, and the lack of physical changes in us would probably alarm them.

Not only were Alice and I following Esme to prevent anyone from seeing us, but also so that we could intervene if Jacob didn't react well to Esme. Also, I wanted to know what Bella would say, how she would react to Esme's words. I didn't think I was patient enough to wait outside. I supposed that I could have just listened to their conversation through Esme's thoughts while standing outside the hospital, but I wanted the information that might not register in Esme's mind: Bella's pulse rate at different words, her every breath, the look in her eyes, the color of her skin. These were vital keys to what was going on inside of her. Esme might not pay enough attention to those little details.

Alice, too, was planning on remaining outside of Bella's room. Her motivation, though, was curiosity rather than need. She was justifying it by thinking that she needed to be there in case anyone unexpected came along who might recognize us. I supposed that this would be helpful; however, it wasn't her primary motivation.

While we waited outside, Esme ghosted into Bella's room. "Jacob," she said, touching his shoulder lightly.

Jacob jumped out of his seat and stared at Esme with wide eyes.

"I'm Esme Cullen, Edward's mother. I'd like to speak with Bella. Do you think that would be possible?"

"Um." Jacob seemed unsure.

"I only want her to know I'm here if she needs me. Also, I need to explain some things. Could I have some time alone with her? It's best I speak with her now, while the hospital is emptier. I don't think I could come here during the day; otherwise, I'd wait until morning."

Jacob didn't really know what to make of Esme. On one hand, she was a vampire. Even though Bella's future wasn't really in his hands anymore, he still loved her and wanted to protect her as much as he could. On the other hand, she had a kindness in her face that even he couldn't deny.

"How do I know I can trust you?"

"You can't know for sure, but I won't hurt her, Jacob. Did Bella ever tell you about how I became what I am?"

"Right, you lost your baby and . . ." He looked at her apologetically. "Okay, I'll let you talk to her."

Esme walked over to Bella's bedside and waited for Jacob to wake up Emily and for them to leave the room.

As they left, they both looked at Alice and me. "Great, they're all back. Guess I should call Sam," Jacob muttered.

"Bella, sweetie, wake up." Esme ran her fingers through Bella's hair and I felt a pang of jealousy at her easy touch. How long would it be until I could touch her like that? Would I ever be able to?"

Bella stirred and rolled her head to the side to see who was talking to her. I saw her face, still mostly asleep, but then regaining full consciousness and focusing on Esme's face. "Esme," she breathed out in disbelief. She started to pull herself up, but Esme stopped her by putting a hand on her shoulder. "What are you doing here?"

"Alice saw you and we were worried about you. We came to see you."

"Are you _all_ here?"

"Yes, dear. We are all here."

"_He_ was here. I thought I was hallucinating because of the pain."

"Edward came when Alice had visions about you that made her worried. She convinced him to come."

Bella winced subtly at my name and looked away from Esme's face. Esme saw her discomfort and ran a hand through Bella's hair again. "He cares for you, Bella. That never changed after he left. It didn't change for any of us."

Bella kept her eyes averted, clearly not believing, or not wanting to believe what Esme was telling her. "How long are you staying?"

"We'll be here as long as you need us."

This statement bit into Bella's pride, and she looked up, anger in her clear eyes. "I don't need you here."

This statement shocked Esme. She floundered for a bit. She hadn't known the stubborn, proud side of Bella. Her reaction was new to her, but not me.

"Oh, honey, I didn't mean that—"

Bella seemed contrite. "I'm sorry. You can stay. I just— It hurt when you left."

"I know, Bella, and I'm so sorry we did."

"So, why are _you_ here? I mean, right now."

"Well, we have something in common."

It took Bella a moment to know what Esme was talking about. "Oh, yeah. The baby," she mumbled.

"Yes, I want you to know that you can talk to me if you think that it would help. I know that right now you might not be ready, but there may come a time when it will ease you to talk to someone who knows what it's like."

A tear streamed down Bella's face. "Okay, maybe I'll call you sometime. It might help, but I think that right now, I just need to get through it without thinking too much."

Esme trapped that tear with her finger. "I can't tell you how sorry I am for your loss."

Bella sniffed and rubbed her face with the back of her hand, wiping away the moisture pooling in her eyes.

"I'm sorry I woke you up. I just thought it would be better if I weren't recognized, so I came at night. You can go back to sleep, dear. Alice, Edward, and I won't be far if you need us."

Bella's eyes lit up the tiniest bit. "Alice is here?"

"Yes, she's just outside the door."

"Can I see her?"

Hearing her request, Alice's expression changed from worried to hopeful. She took a few steps, entering Bella's room. I knew I shouldn't, but I couldn't help following her inside. I stood perfectly still, standing by the doorway, while Alice joined Esme at Bella's side.

"Hey, Bella."

"Alice! It's so good to see you. How are you? How's Jasper?"

"I'm good, thanks, and so is Jasper. It's good to see you too, Bella, though I wish it was under better circumstances."

She leaned in for a hug and Bella wrapped her arms around her tightly. Her head rested on Alice's shoulder and her eyes were closed. When she opened her eyes, they met mine. She started and let go of Alice, continuing to stare at me, her face first paling, then suffusing with a warm blush.

"Hi, Edward," she said shyly.

I took this as a cue to come forward. Hesitantly, I approached her. As she stared at me, her heart sped up.

"Bella, I'm very sorry for what happened today, more than you can know. As Esme said, please don't hesitate to rely on us for anything."

"Thank you," she said very quietly, but then turned her attention back to Esme and Alice. She seemed at a loss for what to say.

Alice cupped her face in her hand. "Oh, Bella, I've missed you so much."

"Bella, you should probably go back to sleep now. You need your rest. Would you like us to come see you again tomorrow?" Esme asked.

Bella bit her lip, a familiar gesture. "Um, I'm not sure. Does Jake—"

"He knows we're here. He let us come to see you."

Bella seemed surprised and confused at this information. "But Jake and the pack hate you!"

I came closer to her. "We've come to an agreement. He agrees that if you want to see us, you can." This wasn't really an adequate, or even completely truthful explanation, but it was the best I could do to allay her confusion and doubt. Obviously, I couldn't tell her the truth: that Jacob would be leaving her soon. That was a truth for another day, and one that was not mine to reveal.

Bella accepted this, though she still seemed uncertain. My explanation probably didn't fit with Jacob's temper or personality. "Okay, I'm not sure about tomorrow. It depends on how I'm feeling and when I get out of the hospital. It probably isn't really safe for you to come here. I'm sure there are still people here who remember you."

"Yes, there are, but we'd be careful. Call us and let us know what you want."

Bella nodded and started to lie back down. Esme helped ease her down, adjusted her pillow, and tucked the blankets around her. Alice moved a stray piece of hair that had escaped Bella's ponytail and was hanging in front of her eyes, and then caressed her face. "Sleep well, sweetheart."

"Thanks guys." Again, her eyes met mine, but only for a second before she closed them.


	6. The Truth

**A/N: Two chapters in one day! As usual, I don't own Twilight or its characters. They all belong to Stephenie Meyer.**

Chapter Six

The next day, Emily did as she promised, and sought out the social worker to ask about any funds that could help Bella and Jacob pay for their daughter's funeral. Thankfully, the social worker had seen the memo when she got in that morning. She told Emily that, although there hadn't been one before, she had just gotten word that there was a private fund for families in crisis that might work for the Blacks. She said that she would take the necessary paperwork up to them and see whether they would be interested in applying. It looked like Bella and Jacob's pride might be the last barrier in getting them the money. Hopefully Emily would be able to help with that.

The attending physician planned on releasing Bella later that day if there weren't any complications. So far, they were confident that Bella would heal well. Other than the minor whiplash, they didn't find anything physically wrong with her from the accident. They were going to give her a prescription for painkillers, but Bella was resistant to the idea of really using them. The rest of her body was healing from the labor and delivery normally. They had her taking warm baths, but because the baby had been so premature, there wasn't as much healing for her body to do. The only thing they were worried about was her emotional wellbeing, but the social worker was going to refer her and Jacob to a counselor for grief counseling. I doubted that Bella would follow through with that. She and Jacob were keeping too many secrets.

When Emily went back to Bella's room to tell Bella and Jacob what the social worker had said, they were both resistant to the idea of applying at first. Emily convinced them by saying that the fund's board would decide whether they were a high need case or not, or whether someone else would benefit more than them; that there was no harm in applying.

In the end, Jacob and Bella filled out the paperwork and it was faxed to Mr. Jenks, who was under instruction to accept this application and write a letter of acceptance as soon as possible.

I stayed at the hospital despite Alice's efforts to get me to the house to see our family. I told her that if people wanted to see me, they could come here. The day passed pretty slowly. For the most part, I tuned Jacob and Emily's thoughts out of my head, trying not to pry too much, even though I was desperate to know how things were going. I wanted to know when Jacob was planning on telling on Bella about what had happened to him. From the little I did hear, he hadn't told her yet. I could also tell how torn up he was by his loss and by the imprinting. Even though I hated him for adding to the pain Bella was already suffering, I felt bad for him. Just as Emily had said, the wolves, Jacob included, knew what it was like to have their choices circumscribed by their circumstances, just like my family and me. Just as I wished they would understand this about us, I needed to be understanding of their own limitations. After all, it was due to my family's presence that he changed into monster in the first place, or at least, that's what they thought. I hadn't ruled out the possibility that it was Bella who had brought back the shape-shifters with her pull for anything dangerous.

In the late morning, Alice returned, this time with Carlisle and Jasper in tow. Carlisle recognized the danger in his being at the hospital, and so he remained in the car, only calling out my name in his mind and telling me to come to him. Alice and Jasper, however, started walking at a human pace to the building, wanting to give Carlisle and me privacy. I could tell that Jasper was nervous about seeing me again, still feeling guilty about his role in my separation from Bella. Alice had done her best to allay his fears, but he still felt nervous and ashamed all the same.

As I approached Alice and Jasper, I looked only at him, openly expressing my forgiveness of him and my own shame. As soon as we were within arm's reach, I pulled him in an embrace. "Jazz, I forgive you. It wasn't your fault, none of this is. I would have found a reason to leave anyways, you know that."

"I'm so sorry, Edward. And I'm sorry for Bella."

I nodded. "Yes, I am too. We all are. Now go assess her feelings and see what you can do to help."

Jasper looked me squarely in the eye, but blocked his thoughts, wanting me to hear the words he chose to share, rather than his thoughts. "I won't take away her pain, Edward. I'll ease it, but I'll not take it away. She needs to mourn her loss. I'm sorry, but I'll not manipulate her into feeling things she does not feel. I know enough of Bella to know that she would not want me to take away her natural feelings."

I instantly grasped how right he was. I wanted Bella to be human. Letting her feel pain and mourn was, in essence, allowing her that privilege, as much as it might hurt me. He was right about Bella, as well. I knew that she wouldn't want him to dominate or manipulate her with his power. She wanted to be free to fret, mope, feel sadness, and anger. Besides, I knew how much of a risk and sacrifice he was making in order to be here for Bella. Such a large population of humans with fresh blood so close by would be a battle for him. However, Jasper was nothing if he wasn't a soldier, and he would fight in order to help Bella.

I gave him a half-hearted grin. "I understand and I'll not ask more from you."

Jasper nodded, but didn't say anything more. He and Alice continued towards the hospital and I towards Carlisle's car. I heard Alice say to him, "You're going to be fine. I don't see you acting on the burn. You know, I think you're getting much better at withstanding temptation."

Jasper only laughed at this.

As I turned my attention to Carlisle's mind, I sensed his powerful emotions and thoughts. In the 100+ years since Carlisle created me, I had never been away from him for so long. When I went through my rebellious period, I was not gone for so long as this. As I approached him, I realized just how much I had missed my father. I missed his guidance, his calm assurance, his integrity, and his love. Out of everyone in my family, he was the one who I had the strongest bond with. We had spent many years alone together before he created Esme, and it would be hard to erase the strong relationship we had formed during that time. Alice may be able to see my future and Jasper may be able to sense my feelings, but only Carlisle knew my heart.

I felt like letting out a few tearless sobs as I opened the car door and was overcome by his scent and his presence, both so familiar and beloved to me. Carlisle, too, seemed to have trouble moderating his feelings as I entered the car.

We were silent for a few minutes, simply looking into each other's eyes.

"Son," he finally whispered. His voice and close proximity overwhelmed me, and I threw my arms around him.

"Father," I returned. It wasn't often that I called him father or dad. When I used these titles, it was to assert our bond and my absolute respect for him and for his leadership.

Keeping one arm still slung around me, Carlisle pulled away some, so that he could look at me. He cupped my cheek with his other hand and smiled gently. "All this time we have been apart, I have felt such an emptiness. You, my son, make me whole. It brings me happiness just to be near you."

I understood what he meant and I agreed. Being with Carlisle again soothed something inside of me, lessened some of the despair I felt.

"Alice filled me in on a little of what is going on with Bella. How is she doing? Has Jacob—?"

"No, he hasn't told her yet. He doesn't know when he is going to tell her. He doesn't want to cut her so deeply while she is hurting already, but he knows that no matter when he tells her, it is going to be painful. But, he doesn't know how long he can go without seeing the girl he imprinted on, either." I gritted my teeth at this.

He sighed. "It's a sad situation all around. I don't need your or Jasper's abilities to tell me that you blame yourself for all of this pain. Is that right, Edward? I well know your proclivity for self-denigration."

I didn't need to respond to this; he knew the truth.

"Bella won't blame you, so why must you accost yourself? If anyone has the right to point fingers, it is she, and if she does not criticize you for your mistakes, why should you? You did what you thought was right. No one, not even Alice, could have anticipated the full effects of your choices."

"That is all rather arbitrary at this point. We've barely spoken. Bella is a forgiving person beyond all reason, but she may be unable to forgive me while she is going through all this stuff. If she cannot, there is no way that I will ever forgive myself. Hell, what am I saying? Even if she does absolve me, I will still feel guilt, because it comes down to this: I left because I was afraid. Yes, by leaving, I was protecting her, but I was also protecting myself, and that is unforgivable."

"Alice seems convinced that Bella is going to forgive you."

I sighed. "Yeah, but we all know how unreliable her visions can be."

"True." It was clear that Carlisle wasn't going to try convincing me anymore— for now at least. "Tell me about Bella's condition. What have her doctors told her?"

I accepted the change in topics gratefully. I explained to him what her doctors had said and what they were doing. Just as I was telling him more about the fund Alice and I were creating, Jasper's thoughts intruded in my mind. I hadn't been paying strict attention to them before, but the new insistence in them told me something was wrong.

_Edward, you need to come now. I think that something is happening. _

I rushed out of the car. Carlisle deliberated on whether he should come as well. In the end, he decided to take the risk. He grabbed a scarf and hat he had in the glove compartment and rushed behind me, hoping that no one would recognize him. If they did, he would just have to settle for lying his way out.

I scanned the thoughts in the hospital and found Jacob and Emily's. I could tell that Emily was not in the same room as Jacob. I paid more attention to Jacob's thoughts because he was the one with Bella.

". . . . imprinted."

This was clearly the end of a sentence. From that one word, I realized that Jacob had told Bella about the imprinting. What had made him decide to do it now?

A crippling feeling of despair overwhelmed me just then. I got it from Jacob's thoughts and Jasper's reading of him and Bella. I staggered some under the pressure. Carlisle's quick arms reached out and steadied me. He maintained a hold on me even though I did not need his help anymore. Jasper's calm overtook the painful emotions and eased them some.

"What has happened?" he asked.

I could not answer, as I was still listening.

There was only one more word I heard in Jacob's thoughts before he came hurtling towards the doors. It was Bella's voice. "Leave."

"Jacob told Bella about the imprinting and she has sent him away. He is on his way down now. He's very upset," I explained to Carlisle, Jasper, and Alice.

"How is Bella?" Carlisle asked.

"Not good," Alice, Jasper, and I answered all at the same time.

"Call Emily," I told Alice. I would do it myself, but I wanted to have a word with Jacob. I imagined he would have some things to say to me as well. In fact, I could hear his thoughts, full of vitriol, most of it directed towards my family and myself, though especially me. I could tell that his anger towards me was only a thin guise covering his anger towards himself, so I wasn't too worried about a confrontation. Besides, he was still depending on me to take care of Bella now that he could no longer do so.

Alice cast me a worried look, but I dismissed her with my hand, trying to convey that everything would be okay, but that she needed to get Emily to Bella's side. Pulling out her phone, she dialed the number I mouthed to her, and then walked away from us as she listened to the ring tone and waited for Emily to answer.

Just as Alice greeted Emily, Jacob came running out of the front doors, his eyes fixed on me. Both Carlisle and Jasper stiffened, prepared to defend me. Jasper turned of his focus on Jacob, leaving Bella to her feelings.

"Jasper, it's okay. Jacob is angrier with himself than he is with me. Please take care of Bella. I'll be alright."

My words surprised Jacob into stillness. Although he was still seething at me, he knew I was right.

"Believe me, Jacob, your hatred for me rivals my own. I, too, hate myself for leaving Bella, and I blame myself for all that you are going through right now."

My acceptance of the blame seemed to diffuse Jacob's anger towards me, and his feelings turned to shame and remorse, rather than ire.

"Tell me what happened, Jacob. I only caught the end of your saying that you imprinted. What made you decide to tell her now?"

"I didn't really decide, you know? I was telling her about how badly I felt for not being there when she went into labor. She told me she didn't blame me; that I did the best I could, and that there was no way I could have known she was going to go into labor so early. I still felt really guilty and disgusted with myself, and she could see this. She asked if there was something else upsetting me. I didn't want to tell her, but I couldn't lie. I knew that lying would only make things worse when I finally told her the truth. You know how Bella hates being coddled or underestimated. So, I told her that I was upset because of something else that happened the other day. She asked me what, I told her, and she told me to leave, end of story."

At this last piece of information, his face fell into utter dejection. "I can't believe it's all over. What have I done?" He collapsed in on himself for a moment.

I felt a strange impulse to comfort him. I almost lifted my hand and placed it on his shoulder in order to show him how deeply I felt his pain, but I stopped myself. Touching him was not likely to go over well. "Again, I am sorry for what has happened. My family and I will do everything in our power to help and protect her."

"I'll be honest with you, I don't like that she is going to be with you, but she has nobody else to turn to, so I'm going to have to accept it. I guess she's not my responsibility anymore, but, if I ever hear of you hurting her physically or emotionally, I swear to God, I'll rip you into tiny pieces and incinerate you! Just because I have imprinted on somebody else doesn't mean that I don't love Bella and that I'm not grateful for everything she has given me over the years. She may not be my wife for much longer, but she is still my best friend."

"As I said before, my family and I will do everything to keep her safe and happy."

"I guess that's all I can ask of you. One more thing though, I know that you're probably not thrilled with me either, but can I ask you something else? Will you call me occasionally and tell me how she is?"

"I suppose I owe you that much, at least. As much as I hate you for having the gall to take my place, and as much as I'd like this to be the last time we speak, I will do as you ask because I am also grateful to you. You took care of Bella when I didn't. You protected her from Laurent, Victoria, and from herself. I am also grateful for your being there for her emotionally and helping her through the difficult time she went through after I left. If you hadn't been there for her, I don't know what I would have come back to.1 I left in order to allow her to have a life that I couldn't offer, and you gave that to her as much as you were able to. Thank you."

"I didn't do it for your benefit," he sneered.2

"I know. But that doesn't erase the gratitude I feel.3 I will call you and let you know how she is doing, and if she wants to talk to you in the future, we will allow you to come see her, though I will not let her leave to meet with you. Due to each of your intense emotions, things might get heated. I can tell that you are good at controlling your anger, but I'm not going to run the risk of letting Bella have such an emotionally charged discussion without some level of protection."

My insinuation that he might hurt Bella made him angry, but he quickly calmed himself, reminding himself that it wasn't his concern anymore and that by restricting Bella, I was, in fact, keeping my promise to protect her, even if it was from him. Once he had reestablished his composure, he nodded in agreement.

"Goodbye, Jacob. I sincerely hope that you can be happy one day."

He looked like he wanted to sneer at me again, but he only nodded his head again and told me goodbye, after which he walked quickly into the nearby forest where he transformed into his other self, and went to join his pack in La Push.

**A/N: 1 This is a reference to something Bella tells Edward in _Eclipse_. She tells him, "If Jacob hadn't helped me . . . I'm not sure what you would have come home to" (p. 33).**

**2** **Jacob says the same line in **_**New Moon**_** on page 557.**

**3** **Edward's responded in this same way to Jacob in **_**New Moon**_** on the same page as the last note. **


	7. Home

**A/N: S.M. owns Twilight. I am only paying homage to her creation.**

Chapter Seven

As soon as Emily got Alice's call, she went to Bella. She found her curled up on the bed, but entirely silent. I could tell from Jasper's reading that she was mostly in shock, like she hadn't completely grasped what Jacob had told her.

Emily lay down on the bed next to Bella and curved her body around Bella's fetal position. At Emily's close contact, Bella turned over, and throwing her arms around Emily, let out a few tearless sobs. Emily did her best to comfort Bella, touching her face, running her hands through Bella's hair, but not saying anything besides, "I'm so sorry, Bella."

Emily lay in the bed for a good twenty minutes before Bella sank into sleep. Once Bella was resting, Emily's own thoughts became more anxious. She wondered whether Bella would accept my family's help, or whether she would, in true Bella fashion, insist on getting through this difficult time alone. She wondered if she should call Bella's mother in Florida, but rejected that option. She knew from Bella's stories about her mother, that Renee was not the most nurturing person. She thought that if Bella went to her mother's, she would get sucked into helping Renee as she was used to, rather than focusing on getting through the grieving process. She also wondered if she would ever see Bella after she turned to my family. She wondered if Bella would forgive me and whether we would end up together again. She wasn't sure about this. She knew that I still cared for Bella, but she didn't know if we would still be compatible. After all, Bella had grown and developed in many ways since I left. She was a woman of 25 now, whereas I was still stuck at 17. Last of all, she fervently hoped that Bella would find someone someday, even if it weren't me. She didn't want Bella to be alone.

At 3:15 in the afternoon, Bella was released. When Emily asked, Bella insisted that she wanted to go to her own home. At this, Emily was glad that Jacob had already moved most of his belongings out and into hers and Sam's house (Sam had called and told her that he had offered Jacob the option of staying with them until things settled down, rather than at Billy's). She reminded Bella that she could always rely on my family, but when Bella only responded by assuming a doubtful expression, she didn't press it any further.

By this time, Jasper and I were the only ones still at the hospital, but the rest of the family knew about Bella's discharge and were busy preparing the house in case Bella would come. Alice and Rosalie were shopping with Emmett tagging along and carrying the bags so that their hands would be free; Esme was getting a room and bathroom ready, and Carlisle had gone on a medical run to restock our supply of bandages, medications, and whatever else Bella might need, medicinal-wise.

When Bella and Emily arrived at the house, Emily offered to make Bella something to eat, but she declined, saying she only wanted to go lie down. Emily acquiesced, though she worried about this.

Emily was an active sort of person and didn't like having nothing to do, so after helping Bella into bed, she did things around the tiny house: cleaning, sorting, and organizing. She packed more of Jacob's things into a couple of boxes and put those into her car. She put all the things she could find that were for the baby into boxes as well. In short, she tried to do everything she could think of that might make Bella's life easier. Finally, she made dinner, but put it in the fridge for later, as Bella was still asleep.

After she did everything she could think of, she called Sam. Through her thoughts, I could hear everything he said.

"Hey, honey, how's Jacob?

"Not so good. He's pretty torn up. Actually tried to get drunk, not that it worked. Our metabolisms are too fast for that."

"Oh, this is so awful. I feel terrible for both of them."

"Is Bella home now?"

"Yeah, she's asleep. She went to bed as soon as I brought her home."

"How long do you think you'll be there?"

"I'm not sure. I don't want to leave her alone. I'm not sure how she feels about letting the Cullens help at this point. I guess we'll just have to see how things go_._"

"I don't get why the Cullens are so concerned," he growled. "It's like she's some sort of toy for them. They take care of her only when it's convenient. They're only going to hurt her again."

"Sam, they're all she has. Besides, they aren't going to hurt her. They love her. I don't think we can understand all of the reasons why they left her, but I know that they did it in part so that she could remain human."

"Is that what they told you? Well, I hope that the fact that they returned doesn't mean that they have changed their mind about that."

"Sam, don't you think she has the right to choose after all she's been through?"

"Maybe, but that doesn't mean that in changing her they won't be violating the treaty. If they take away her life, then the treaty is over and we have to attack."

"I know, but you have the power to not strike against them. After all, Bella will still be alive, in a way, and she's going to be like them, vegetarian and all. She won't be a danger to anyone. You need to let her make her own choices without being afraid of your taking away her life and the lives of those she loves."

"Do they have a new family member who brainwashes people or something?"

"Sam," she reproached him.

"I'm sorry, Emily. I shouldn't have insinuated that you don't know your own mind."

"I understand. This isn't the easiest situation. I just think that Bella has lost so many things recently, and none of it by her own choice. As I told two of the Cullens today, we in the pack understand what it is like to have out choices taken away from us, and as a result, we should respect them where they are granted."

He sighed. "You're right, as usual. I'll keep that in mind while I think this over."

"I'm going to miss you while I'm here."

"Yeah, I'm going to miss you like hell, love. Come back to me soon."

"I will come back after I've done everything I can do."

"You're a good woman, Emily Uley."

"Thank you. Will you bring me some of my things? I didn't bring any clothes or anything when I went to the hospital. I need a toothbrush and my phone charger, too."

"Yeah, hon, I'll bring them. I'm assuming there are Cullens nearby?"

"Probably."

"I'll bring a couple of the guys, then."

"Okay, see you soon."

"See you in a bit."

When Sam and two of his pack, Jared and Paul, came to Bella and Jacob's house, they nervously swept their eyes along the line of trees where Jasper and I were standing. Taking care to make some noise, both Jasper and I came forward so that they could see us. When their eyes locked with our own, the two men standing on either side of Sam began to tremble just slightly, but the Alpha remained calm. He nodded just once in our direction, and then turned towards the house. Paul and Jared remained standing where they were, watching us, legs apart, arms spread slightly to the sides. Jasper held back a growl. Rather than attacking them, he spread waves of calm towards them. In a moment of vindictive humor, he thought about giving them feelings of lust or love, but decided he best not provoke them any further. I hid a smile in my hand.

Ducking into the doorway, Sam entered Bella's house, eager to see Emily. As he joined her in the tiny living room and gathered her into his arms, I came to understand imprinting much better. Emily and Sam were like a custom-built lock and key, fit together so perfectly that you could barely see the seam between them. Emily made Sam a better person, more complete, and vice versa. And yet, the seam was still there. There was an empty space they shared between them, a sorrow that both joined them together and separated them. In an instant, I knew that Leah was that seam, the girl Emily had told me about. She was the girl Sam had loved before he met Emily. She was Emily's second cousin, and they used to be best friends, almost like sisters. When Sam had imprinted on Emily, he had been devastated by his desertion of Leah because he still loved her and felt connected to her. Emily, too, had been upset, though, for her it was more anger than sadness and guilt. After Sam imprinted, Leah refused to talk to Emily, and so Emily had come to hate Sam.

When Sam didn't leave her alone and when he followed her around her like a puppy— no pun intended— trying to do anything to win her affection, she had blown up in his face. Sam's emotions were so wild with anger, fear, sadness, and shame that he transformed, and in his transformation, his arm had reached out and raked down her face and body.

After hurting Emily, Sam was destroyed. More than anything, he wanted to die. If it weren't for the fact that he was unable to desert Emily, he would have tried to commit suicide, both because of what he had done to Leah and what he had done to Emily.

However, as Emily's body healed, she began to watch the young man (such a man in his body, and yet, still a young boy) as well. Watching him suffer began to touch something inside of her. She had never known a man to hold such a measure of feelings. She had never seen a man have such love and worship in his eyes when he looked at a woman as she did when Sam looked at her. She began to understand and she began to feel a kind of awe and respect for him. Eventually, she had to reach out and comfort him. When they came together as a result of that effort, their commitment to each other was cemented into both of their beings. They still felt sadness over Leah, but they could no longer be apart. Without each other, they would be an empty lock and a missing key.

Their mutual sense of peace reminded me of how I had felt during the happy days of my relationship with Bella, when I could focus on being with her, rather than worry about the dangers that always lurked in the shadows, waiting to take her from me. There weren't many days where I felt such peace, but there was a sense of completeness and wholeness when I was with her like that. When I was a part from her, both when she went to Arizona with Alice and Jasper, and when I left her altogether, a wide and deep chasm split my insides, and it didn't let up until the first time I saw her face again after returning.

The day I had returned had been an emotional one for me. My very first view of her was of her was behind her house, the house she had lived in with Charlie (Charlie had left it to her when he died and Jacob and she had moved there after their wedding). As soon as my eyes fell on her, the hole inside of me filled, and I was overcome by the feeling of rightness, of coming home.

She was kneeling by a kitchen garden of sorts, cutting sprigs of fragrant herbs. She had paused for a moment, breathing in their scent with her eyes closed. She looked so peaceful, so content that I felt a pang inside of me. Perhaps there was a selfish part of me that hoped she was as bereft without me as I was without her.

Once I cast that feeling aside, I reveled in her beauty, and how she looked so much of the same as the last time I had seen her. But, as I looked more, I began to notice the changes in her. The most obvious of these was her pregnancy, of course, but there were other changes, more subtle, but enough to make me mourn the time I had missed. Her soft skin was a little thicker, a little rougher, though only infinitesimally. A hint of a line ran across her forehead and between her eyebrows. A fan of similar lines extended from the outside edges of her eyes. They weren't wrinkles, not even "fine lines," but with my perfect sight, they were clearly there.

The lines on her face didn't erase her beauty, not at all. In fact, to me, they made her more beautiful, more Bella. These lines showed her character— her concern for others, her penchant for worrying, the happiness she experienced when she was with people she loved. They also meant she was human, and isn't that one of the things I cherish about Bella? It was the quiet strength despite her humanness that first touched me. Take away her humanity, and her strength would perhaps not be so striking. It was the contrasts in her that made her stand out.

I knew that I would always feel a sense of completion when I was with Bella, but could she feel the same way about me anymore? Was Emily right in thinking that the growth Bella had gone through, and the ways she had changed might make it so that we could never connect the way we once had? Was Bella too old for me? Or, to put it in more correct terms, even if her age never detracted from my feelings towards her, would I be too young for her? Although I had lived over four times as longer than her, my body was forever seventeen. All my experience had not erased the vestiges of my seventeen-year old self—temperamental, jealous, possessive, and narcissistic. Could this new, more mature Bella love someone like that? Bella had always been more grown-up than I in many ways, most of this stemming from the fact that she was used to taking care of other people, whereas I had never taken care of anyone but myself; that is until I met her. After I met her, she became the center of my universe; no one mattered more to me than her. For Bella, even though she felt the same way, she still took care of Charlie and worried about Renee. I had always thought of my obsession with her as a good thing, a sign of how strong my love was, but was I wrong? Was my obsession and intensity the reason for our demise? Was the secret to my growth learning how to balance? If I could learn to balance my love of her with my love of my family and others, would I be more compatible with her, and could she come to love me? Could I grow to become worthy of her in this one way? I didn't know if I could ever change how I felt about her inside— I was a vampire after all, with a mostly immutable nature— but I had to try.

These realizations had a strange effect on my body. I almost felt dizzy with the hope they inspired. As I had been thinking these things, I hadn't been paying strict attention to Jasper, though I should have been, but I sensed that he was eyeing me now.

"What is it, Edward? What did you hear?" He sounded hopeful, matching my own feelings. He was wondering whether I had heard some good news about Bella, or something.

"Nothing. I didn't hear anything, I just realized something."

"Would you care to elucidate?"

"I'm not sure. I need to think about it some more, test it out."

"Okay."

I turned my attention back to Emily and the members of the wolf pack. Jared and Paul were still calm. Paul was thinking about a revolting, orange food called Doritos. Jared was thinking about his imprint, Kim. Emily and Sam were lying on the couch, holding each other, each wrapped up in their own thoughts.

Sam was mostly thinking and worrying about Jacob and the parallels and differences between their individual experiences with imprinting. Knowing how hard it had been for himself, Leah, and Emily, he worried about Jacob. In addition to the added stressors of the situation (i.e., the fact that Jacob and Bella were married, the stillbirth), Jacob was, in general, a more passionate person than Sam. Jacob loved Bella much more than Sam had ever loved Leah, or at least in a more intense way. This only served to increase Jacob's distress and make him more of a loose cannon. He wondered whether he should send Jacob away to get some distance and perspective, but wasn't sure Jacob would follow this advice, considering the current circumstances and how impossible it was for a wolf to ever be very far away from their imprint.

Emily was thinking about Bella and the girl Jacob had imprinted on. She was still upset that Jacob had not imprinted on Bella. They had been so right together. They had seemed to fit perfectly, just as she and Sam did, despite the rough beginnings. This made her wonder and worry that imprinting was a genetic thing, rather than a supernatural soul mate thing. How could this stranger be more right for Jacob than Bella? If imprinting was a genetic, a preservation of the species thing, what did this mean for she and Sam? Were they not as aligned as she had always thought? Was the connection she had felt the day they had come together purely chemical or hormonal, a way to continue the werewolf line? No, she thought with a shudder. Sam was her soul mate. She had not betrayed Leah in an act of primal mate selection, and neither had Sam.


	8. Invitation

**A/N: S.M. still owns _Twilight_, whereas I own nothing but an empty fridge, an enormous pile of dirty laundry, a sink full of dirty dishes, and the schoolwork I have been avoiding as a result of my _Twilight_ fan fiction obsession and subsequent disregard for the banalities of life.**

Chapter Eight

Other than my realizations, nothing else of note happened while Sam, Paul, and Jared were at Bella's house.

Bella slept for close to eight hours. When she woke up, Emily was beginning to become drowsy, but she didn't want to leave Bella alone while she slept; however, she was very, very tired. Sleeping at the hospital had been uncomfortable, and she hadn't gotten too much. Also, the sheer range and intensity of emotions she had felt over the last couple of days had her worn out.

I wasn't sure about how Bella would feel about it, but Jasper and I went to the door to suggest that we could sit with Bella or call someone else in the family to stay with her while Emily slept.

When she answered the door, Emily's eyes widened in surprise, but she let us in. She was very nervous, especially due to the fact that she did not know Jasper. She eyed him warily until he soothed her with his gift. He, too, was a little uncomfortable, not only because of her relationship with the pack, but also because of the warm heat and sweet smell of blood emanating from her. Only the smell of the wolves protected her from being too enticing. Underneath the repulsive wet dog smell, there was a subtle aroma of cinnamon and vanilla; it was a warm and enticing smell.

"Emily, this is my brother Jasper. You met his wife Alice yesterday."

"Hello, Jasper." She thought about reaching out her hand to shake his, but changed her mind. Despite Jasper's efforts, there was something about my brother that made her keep her distance.

"We could tell that you were tired, so we thought we'd come offer . . ."

I trailed off when Bella came hesitantly into the room. Her eyes were mostly on me, but they flickered to Jasper occasionally. She looked mortified, and I could tell from Jasper's sense that she was indeed so. She didn't speak, though her mouth opened a few times as if to say something; she just looked at us, mouth gaping now and then.

"Bella," I said, unable to curb the warmth in my voice. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Emily turn her head to look at me when she registered my tone.

_Poor Edward_, she thought, but then rebuked herself. Even though she forgave me, she still thought I had a lot to make up for.

"Jasper and I were outside merely watching over you and Emily. We could tell that Emily is tired, and so we wanted to see if you would be okay with us sitting with you, that is, if you would like to stay up for a little while."

Bella didn't immediately answer my question, but she began watching Jasper more intently. Her forehead creased, which made me think she was worrying about something.

Jasper took a measured step towards her, his face and body language contrite. "Bella, I am so sorry for what I did. You can't know how terrible I have felt all this time for trying to hurt you and for taking everything you had away from you because of my lack of self-control. Can you ever forgive me?"

Bella took in a few deep breaths, repressing the sadness and the pity she felt. "Of course, Jasper. I never blamed you. I'm sorry that you have had to suffer over it."

"Thank you," he said fervently. "I, in turn, promise to do everything I can to help and protect you for as long as you live in order to make up for my sin against you and Edward."

Emily was in extreme confusion over this exchange. She wondered what on earth Jasper was talking about. She had some idea, but she didn't want to believe that one of my family members had tried to kill Bella; she wanted to give us the benefit of the doubt.

It surprised me that she didn't know. Did anyone other than Bella and my family? If Bella had been defending us all this time, I could see why she never told anyone about her 18th birthday. It made sense now why Jacob had not gone into a fury at seeing Jasper, or the other wolves when they had come to the house this afternoon. Then again, maybe they just hadn't known that it was Jasper who was with me. None of them had ever seen him before today.

"That's not really necessary, Jasper. None of this is. Your family doesn't owe me anything."

"We do, though, and I hope that in time, you'll come to understand why."

Bella was clearly uncomfortable with this, so Jasper changed the subject somewhat. "Will you allow us to call Alice or Esme to come sit with you?"

"I'll be fine."

"Undoubtedly," he said, placating her, "but I know that both of them would very much like to see you again. I know Alice, in particular, has been shopping for you since she left the hospital. Rosalie, too."

"Rosalie?" Bella squeaked, looking frightened.

I laughed quietly at this. "Yes, well, she likes any excuse to shop, just like Alice does." I didn't want to get into the other reasons for Rosalie's change of heart. "They have definitely kept Emmett's hands full."

A sudden smile lit Bella's face, though it fell quickly. "Emmett's here, too?"

"Yes."

She gave a quick smile again which withered as quickly as the first had. "As much as I'm happy to see you both," her eyes flickered to me— what did that mean? "I kind of want to be alone right now. I'm not really in the mood for company. I appreciate all that each of you has done for me, but I think that being alone is what I need right now."

Emily reached out and smoothed Bella's hair. "Okay, honey, if that is what you need, we can give it to you. I know that all this is still new and fresh, and that it's going to take some time to process it."

"You guys are welcome to stay if you'd like. It's raining, so being indoors will probably be more pleasant, but I'm going to go back upstairs."

"We're happy to stay outside, Bella," Jasper told her. I wondered at this. It's not like our being outside would allow her more privacy than if we were inside, but when I paid more attention to what he was taking in, I realized that he was responding to the nervousness— almost anxiety— that Bella was exuding.

"Whatever you prefer," she told him and then started to walk away. Just as she began to climb the stairs, she threw one more look in my direction; it burned me. I wanted to go to her so badly, to hold and comfort her. I wanted to know what she was thinking, how she felt about my being there.

~oOo~

Emily stayed with Bella during the days that led up to the funeral. When Bella wasn't in bed sleeping, she and Emily worked on preparations. Jacob helped as much as he could, using Sam and Emily as the go-betweens. Thankfully, Mr. Jenks, our financial group, and the hospital social worker had done their jobs efficiently and a check for $8,000 was in the mail. This was a much higher amount than the average funeral for an infant, but Alice and I wanted to exceed the expected amount so that Bella and Jacob could meet every need they might have without feeling financial restraints. We justified the amount in the acceptance letter by saying that the money was for funeral arrangements and follow-up counseling for the parents, not that Bella or Jacob would use the counseling. They could use the money left over for whatever they wished.

When the funeral day came, it was wet and gloomy, typical for Forks, but also befitting for such a solemn occasion. My family and I felt bad for not being able to attend as normal guests, but we would be nearby to pay our respects just the same.

The funeral attendance was relatively small. Renee and Phil had flown in the night before and were leaving the next day. Mrs. Glen, the librarian was there, along with Angela Weber, the only friend Bella had kept in contact with from Forks High School. Mr. Weber, her father was conducting the ceremony. The most numerous guests were from the reservation. The entire wolf pack was there, along with their respective mates (except for Jacob's) and some of the human Quileutes who had gotten to know and love Bella: her father-in-law, Billy Black, Sue Clearwater, the mother of two of the wolves and Charlie's girlfriend before he died, and Embry and Quil's mothers.

Although she greeted each guest, Bella was mostly silent through the whole proceeding, tears running down her face during the sermon and afterwards. She didn't speak to Jacob other than to greet him. He only sat silently by her side.

The pack was aware of my family's presence in the nearby woods, but they remained calm about it, mostly due to the command from Sam.

After the service was over, Jacob tried to talk to Bella, but she brushed him off and said, "I don't really want to talk right now, Jake. I'm sorry. Maybe one day, but not right now."

He looked remorseful, but also a little bit angry. Before he could say anything else, Emily came up behind him and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Bell, could you come with me for a moment. There is someone who would like to see you."

She was referring to my family and Jacob knew it. He threw her a cold and disbelieving look, but she stared back at him evenly, as if challenging him to question her further.

"Who?" Bella asked.

"Just come with me." Taking her arm, Emily led Bella towards the copse of woods where my family and I stood. All of the wolves looked after the pair, but did not stop them, although some looked angry and wary of this development.

When Bella spotted us, she froze, digging her heels into the dirt. Emily allowed her to freeze, but smiled gently at us. "I thought that you might want to say hello to Bella since you came."

Esme and Carlisle were the first to step forward and greet Bella. "Thank you, Emily," Carlisle said in his calm voice. "Indeed, Bella, we wanted to be here in support, even if we could not actually attend. We are all very sorry for your losses."

As he said these things, Esme stepped closer and gathered Bella into an embrace. She held her tightly, though not enough to hurt her, of course. At first, Bella just stood there, but then she, too, wrapped her arms around my mother. When they let go of each other, Carlisle also hugged Bella warmly, kissing the top of her hair, but looking at my siblings. This seemed to thaw the rest of my family because they now understood what was expected of them in this moment. The next to take Bella into their arms was Alice, followed by Emmett, Rosalie, and then, shocking us all, Jasper. I was the last to approach Bella, nervous about how I would be received. Bella looked at me and was clearly just as nervous. Each of my family members watched me as well.

"Bella," I breathed. I took one more measured step towards her. She was close enough that I could hug her, but I paused for a moment before taking her hand gently in mine. I heard her heart race at the touch. Was it fear, nerves, love? I couldn't tell, not even from Jasper's abilities; the three were so closely linked in this moment. I pulled her towards me very gently, finally wrapping my arms around her in a soft embrace. Her arms wrapped around me as well and she drew in a deep breath. Meanwhile, I burned. Her close proximity, feeling her in my arms: her heavy heat, her soft body, and her luscious smell tortured me, goaded me to take more liberties, to pull her in closer, to kiss her, to pick her up in my arms and carry her away. I could see Jasper twitching out of the corner of my eye. My emotions were probably uncomfortable for him, but I didn't care. All that mattered was the girl in my arms and the slow fire that burned between us. It was electric, seismic; did she feel it, too?

When I finally let go, Bella backed up unsteadily. I reached out a hand to steady her, but Carlisle got her first.

"You okay, there?"

"Yes, you know how I've always been with the whole balance thing."

He gave her a short smile.

"Thank you all for coming. It was very kind of you. I should probably get back, though."

"Of course," Esme responded. "Thank you for coming over to see us."

After Bella and Emily left and were out of hearing range, Emmett snorted. "Well, that was interesting. Jasper was so overwhelmed, we all got a little bit of that!" Rosalie smacked him on the back of his head. "Ouch!" he said.

The rest of my family looked at me in sympathy, though Jasper looked a little uncomfortable. "Sorry," he mumbled.

"It's okay." I ran my hand through my hair, feeling just a little bit awkward.

Carlisle cleared his throat. "So, um, Jasper, other than that bit you shared with all of us, how has Bella been doing— emotionally, I mean?"

"Well, she's sad, of course, but she's repressing most of it. I haven't actually had to alter her mood much. She's very controlled. Not that that is much of a surprise. That seems to be her way of dealing with negative emotions. She's nervous, but mostly because of Edward and a little bit because of Rosalie." He smirked at this and Emmett snorted. "But, she's genuinely happy to see us, even if it brings up things she'd rather not feel."

"Such as?"

"I'm not sure, actually. Like I said, she's good at repressing things. I just get the sense that she doesn't want to lose control when she is around us."

~oOo~

Mrs. Glen had given Bella a leave from the library. She hired a local high school student to help out at the front desk, with shelving books, and cataloguing.

During this time, Bella stayed in her house. She didn't call anyone and she didn't answer the phone. Emily and Esme took turns bringing food over for her, cleaning the house, and doing laundry. Bella always thanked them, but didn't eat much of the food, and she rarely left the quiet darkness of her bedroom.

It was as if she had lost touch with everything that had made her life worthwhile. The last time she had been like this, she had Charlie to think about and so she pulled herself together as much as she could for him. Now, she had no one to act for, to pretend to, and she wasted away as a result.

The longer I sat listening to her, seeing her suffer, the more I hated Jacob and myself.

She was silent most of the time, but every once in while during the two and a half weeks after the funeral she had a bad night. Often it started with a nightmare. Her breathing would hitch, she would cry out, and then finally wake up. After these dreams, she sobbed, sometimes screamed.

The first time this happened, I insisted that Jasper calm her, but he wouldn't. "She needs to get it out, Edward. This is important. The sooner she expresses it, the sooner she'll heal."

I made him leave after that. What was the point of his being there if he wouldn't help her? Once he was gone, though, I realized that he had been right. It was important for Bella to grieve her losses. Thankfully, Esme took pity on me and came as soon as she heard from Jasper what had happened.

Without saying much, she opened Bella's door with the key Emily had given her and went upstairs where she lay down next to Bella and comforted her.

"Bella, darling, hey. Come here, my love. Just let it out, honey, I'm here for you." Bella continued to sob into Esme's chest; crying until her body was worn out and she fell asleep.

As time went on, we who saw Bella began to worry more and more. Her skin looked paler, she slept almost all day, and her hair lost its luster. Finally, it got to the point where Carlisle thought that perhaps he should intervene.

When he came, he ghosted into Bella's room, his treads as soft as a whisper. Leaning over her, he gently brushed a lock of hair that lay across Bella's face. "Bella, Bella, can you wake up? It's Carlisle, sweetheart. I've come to check on you. Bella!"

Her eyelids began to flutter and then open. At first, she didn't seem to take in Carlisle, but when she did, her eyes widened and she tried to sit up, but was weak enough or dizzy enough, to stop her efforts.

"It's okay, you don't have to sit up. How are you feeling?"

"Carlisle," she breathed.

"Hey, Bella.

"I'm sorry."

"Why are you apologizing?"

"I don't know, actually. I'm kind of a mess. I probably don't smell very good."

"You are as lovely as ever, in sight and smell," he placated her. He was telling the truth, though her appearance was somewhat alarming. She looked fragile and sick.

"What are you doing here?"

"Well, we are all kind of worried about you. Emily and Esme told me that you haven't been eating very much of the food they have been making for you. I've come to check on you, to make sure your health is okay."

Bella didn't respond to this right away, but she looked a little embarrassed.

"I haven't had much of an appetite, but recently, I been feeling kind of nauseated and the thought of food makes me feel worse. I've tried eating a little, though, for their sake. I don't want them to worry."

Carlisle felt her forehead, counted her respirations, checked her pulse, and listened to the pressure of the blood against her blood vessels. All of her vitals were low, a result of her malnutrition, dehydration, and her staying in bed so much. He looked at the inside of her eyelids, which were too pale.

He asked her a few questions that made her blush, about urination, bowel movements, blood loss, and about soreness in her lower abdomen, cervix, and vaginal walls.

"Okay, it looks like your body is healing from your labor and delivery, but I'm a little concerned about the rest of your health. You're dehydrated, anemic, and it looks like you've lost a little weight. I understand that you are very sad right now; you have every right to be, but you should take better care of your health. I know how you feel about hospitals and needles, but I think that you need some fluids. May I give you an I.V.?"

Bella screwed up her face in a grimace, but held out her arm.

Carlisle laughed softly. "I don't have the materials with me at the moment. This brings me to another point. Esme and I would like to invite you to stay at our house for a little while. We know how much you value your independence and that you need some space to heal your heart, but we'd very much like to help you as much as we can. It would definitely ease our souls and Emily's to see you safe. We promise not to encroach too much on your privacy. That goes for everyone in the family."

At first, it looked like her answer was going to be "no," but as she looked up into Carlisle's eyes, filled with so much compassion and respect, her expression changed. "Okay."

My heart soared with her assent, though, realistically her decision to come to our house didn't mean much for me. But it meant something for her; her willingness to accept help put her well onto her journey of healing.


	9. Friends

**A/N: I still don't own _Twilight_ and am not making any money from this. If I did, would I still be working at the psychiatric hospital? The answer is an unequivocal and resounding "no." **

Chapter Nine

Bella spent the next couple of weeks in much the same way as she had at her house; the only difference was that she ate more frequently at Carlisle and Esme's insistence.

For the most part, we left her to her solitude, but sometimes we would all crowd into her room to spend a little time with her and get her mind off of things. Emmett was usually the one to get the conversations rolling. He would tell her funny stories about things he had seen in his life, sometimes making up bawdy limericks and jokes to make her laugh. Once, Alice told her about the pranking war she, Emmett, Jasper, and Rosalie had started a couple of years ago that only ended when the roof of their house almost collapsed and Esme had lost her temper— a first for her. The rest of them chimed in on this conversation, arguing, trying to one-up each other and make Bella smile more. Jaspers' best argument was when he responded to Emmett's accusation that Alice cheated by making Emmett feel extreme embarrassment. This made everyone laugh. Once he was over his embarrassment, Emmett challenged Jasper to a wrestling match outside. Jasper smiled cheekily at him and then filled him with the feeling of fear and dread.

"You manipulative son-of-a-bitch," Emmett had grumbled. This made everyone laugh again.

Esme was the member of the family who Bella spent the most time with. At first, it was just talking in Bella's room, but after those first two weeks, Esme got Bella to start taking walks with her, especially when it wasn't raining. Bella began to come out of her room more and more often after that. She still didn't talk much. She mostly watched us while we did our usual pursuits: Rosalie while she tuned up the cars, Emmett and Jasper while they played strategy games, Alice while she designed clothes, Esme while she made endless blueprints, me while I played the piano. Sometimes if a song seemed to move her especially, she joined me on the piano bench. This made me happy, but ill at ease. She began reading more, something she hadn't done since she had lost the baby. She would often curl up in the big armchair in Carlisle's office while he was reading. Sometimes I joined them and read as well.

Meanwhile, I was trying my best to balance my interests, trying to not be so intense. I tried not to follow her around like a lost puppy. I went hunting even if it hurt to be away from her. I helped my siblings with their projects whenever they needed assistance, not that that was very often. However, it was hard for me to not stare at her when I was near her; she was so lovely and perfect. Sometimes she caught my staring. When she did, an enticing blush suffused her cheeks. It made me want to reach out and touch her face, the way I used to do.

Not overwhelming her with my feelings was especially hard when we were alone, not that this happened very often—usually just for a few seconds here and there. One day, though, my whole family had gone away on a hunting trip. I had stayed alone with Bella. Even though they were worried about how this would go, they wanted to allow her some uninterrupted time to be with me and get used to me. After she woke up and ate the breakfast Esme had laid out for her, I heard her go into Carlisle's office. She was there for only a short while, but then I heard her approach the stairs that led to my room. She paused, but then began climbing the stairs. Meanwhile, I sat perfectly still, ridiculously nervous. When she reached my room, she hesitated, but then knocked quietly.

"Bella? You can come in," I choked out.

As she came in, her cheeks were a brilliant red and her eyes were downcast. "I was wondering, may I come sit with you? I won't bother you; it's just nice to have someone nearby."

"Please, come in. We can stay here if you'd like, or anywhere else. It's quite nice out and some of the leaves are starting to change. Would you like to go for a walk or a drive, perhaps?" I was rambling, so I told myself to shut up.

"Um, either sounds alright," she smiled mischievously, "though, you have to promise not to drive too fast. I'd like to see the leaves rather than just a blur."

"Yes, ma'am," I said, bowing to her and pretending to lift off my hat.

She giggled at that. "I wish I could see you dressed like you did when you were human."

I lifted an eyebrow at her. "Why? Do you think it would be amusing?"

"No, but it would be like stepping into a period drama. I think I would like that."

"Shall we put on our own A&E shows for you? Alice and Rosalie can be Elizabeth and Jane Bennett. Jasper and Emmett can be Darcy and Bingley."1

"Who would you be?"

"Wickham, the reprobate" I said with a wink.

"That would be fun to watch, though it's not from when you were living."

"_Women in Love_, perhaps?" I asked, wiggling my eyebrows suggestively.2

"Ew," she said. "I don't think I want to see that. Anyways, I thought that was from the 20s."

"1921, actually. Do stories published after my death not count?"

Her face darkened. "You didn't die."

"Do you wish I had?" I asked jokingly, though somewhat in earnest.

"Of course not," she said softly. "So, where are we going?"

"Have you ever been to Mt. Rainier National Park? It's beautiful there."

"That sounds lovely."

"Are you ready to leave now, or would you like to go later?"

"Um, I just have to get my shoes, so we can leave now, if that works for you."

"Sure," I said. I was starting to feel a little awkward and ran a hand through my hair.

Bella watched me for a second, but then left the room and went to find her shoes.

"Keep it light, son," I told myself and then sighed. It was like we were starting all over again. When we had first gotten to know each other right after I realized that I loved her, I had to constantly give myself the same rebuke.3

.As we drove out of Forks, we were silent. There was definitely tension in the car, and it made me nervous, especially since I didn't know what she was thinking or if she felt the tension as much as I did. I took as many back roads as I could, heading in state and then towards Mt. Rainier National Park. There were some beautiful spots in the park: rivers, creeks, waterfalls, lakes, and glaciers. The trees were mostly coniferous, as was true in this area of the world, so there wouldn't be too many fall colors, but I thought she would like it all the same.

I tried to drive slowly when we approached the more beautiful scenery, but sped past the boring bits. The trip to the park was just under 200 miles, so I didn't want to drive slowly the whole way there, otherwise, it would take a couple of hours to get there.

"You know, the last time I took you hiking, you had a panic attack. I'm surprised you agreed to come."

"Jacob cured me of my hiking phobia. We used to go all the time. Of course, once he changed, he could carry me through the really bad parts that only wild animals, such as himself, could traverse."

"From what I recall, you didn't like the carrying bits either."

"Yeah, well, that's because you ran at speeds that made the forest blur. Jacob usually carried me at a normal pace; well, normal for a person in excellent shape." Her eyebrows crinkled as she spoke of him.

"You miss him, don't you? I'm sorry I brought it up."

"I'm the one who brought him up, but, yes, I miss him. He was not just my husband, but also my best friend, so of course I miss him."

"Do you— do you think you'll want to see him again?"

"Yes."

"So, you forgive him?"

"That's how love works, Edward. You forgive those you love. Besides, it wasn't his fault."

"So, if that's how you feel, why haven't you—"?

"Called him? I guess I just don't want to say goodbye. I mean, once I see him and tell him that I forgive him, it's all over. I guess I'm just trying to prolong the inevitable."

"I see. Well, when you are ready, I promised Jacob that I'd let him know you wanted to talk. Of course, you could do that yourself."

"You know, I have to admit, I'm pretty surprised at how well your family and the pack are getting along."

"I wouldn't say we are getting along, but we're doing our best to coexist. I think that they feel sort of resigned."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, they didn't think you would want to be around them after what happened to Jacob. They had to resign themselves to letting us back into your life, both because we would be staying here for you no matter what and because they knew you didn't have many other people to turn to."

"So they hoisted me off on you guys, huh? Maybe what they say about dogs and loyalty isn't so true after all."

I smiled at her jibe. "Well, they just didn't think you would be comfortable around them anymore."

"And they thought I'd be comfortable with you?" That stung and she knew it. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. You know, I've forgiven you for everything, too. You did what you needed to do and I can't blame you for that."

"Thank you." I knew that if I responded to this anymore than that, I would admit that I hadn't stopped loving her, and it was too early for that. There was no way I was going to burden her with that knowledge while she was dealing with so many other kinds of painful realities.

We spent the rest of the ride making small talk, sometimes lapsing into an uncomfortably charged silence. I wondered what it would take to get rid of the awkwardness.

"This is weird," she said.

"What is?" I asked.

"Being around you again."

"You've started reading minds yourself, I see."

She laughed. "Hardly, it's just been a long time. We're out of practice."

"True. Would you prefer to go home— I mean to the house? It's not too late to turn back."

"No! I mean, I'm fine. It's just a little weird; nothing I can't handle."

"Okay. As long as you aren't uncomfortable."

"Like I said, it's nothing I can't handle. Besides, it's probably a good thing. After today, maybe we can be less awkward around each other."

I doubted it; I was much too intense and I was sure that that was what created the edge. I laughed, trying to ease her. "Maybe."

"So, you've never told me what you did over the last seven years. I'm assuming since you weren't in the prank war, that you weren't with your family then. Did you travel a lot?"

"In a manner of speaking." If she thought things were uncomfortable before, she was in for a surprise. This was definitely not something I wanted to talk about.

She looked at me with amusement. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Um, well, I went on a tracking expedition for a while, but completely failed at that. Then, I went to Brazil and I stayed there for quite a while."

"Did you like it, then?"

"Er, no."

"So, why did you stay for so long?'

"Um, I guess I just didn't feel like going any where else. I was pretty torn up by how badly I had failed the tracking and other stuff."

"What were you tracking, anyways?"

"Um, well, Victoria, actually." I rubbed the back of my neck uncomfortably.

"Victoria! Did you know that she was coming back for me?"

"No, I didn't know that. I was tracking her because it felt like a loose end I needed to tie and because I felt like I owed you it."

"What do you mean?"

"I didn't think she was going to come after you, but I still wanted to finish her off because of the role she played in James' little game. You had given me so much, so I wanted to make the world just a little bit safer for you."

She was quiet for a bit, thinking this over. "Jake killed her."

"Yeah, I know. I saw the pack catch up to her in his head."

"No, I mean, Jake was the one to actually kill her."

"Yes, and I owe him for that. I owe him for a lot of things."

She looked at me sharply. I wondered whether I had said too much. I lightened my expression and teased her. "You know, I find it somewhat amusing that after I left, you had to find the first monsters you could to hang out with."

"I know. I'm kind of a freak. I'm surprised you're taking me to Mt. Rainier. Isn't that a live volcano?"

"Yeah, but I can outrun the ash and lava."

"Show-off," she muttered.4

"I heard that."

She laughed. "That was the point."

When we got to the park, I let her walk for a bit to stretch out her legs, but then offered to carry her.

"I'm perfectly capable of walking. I know my gait isn't quite as attractive as your own, but I do the job credibly." She stumbled on a root after she said this.

I steadied her, but laughed. "I wasn't trying to insult you. I was only asking because there are a number of places I'd like you to see. We'll never make it to them all if we continue at human pace."

She looked nervous, but she allowed me to sling her onto my back, where she clamped her legs and arms around me. I concentrated on her warm body pressed against the length of my back for a moment, paying particular attention to the especially hot place, but then cleared my mind by simultaneously reciting "The Jabberwocky" and solving complicated mathematical equations in my head. Thinking with any parts of my anatomy other than my head wasn't such a good idea.5

"You ready?" I asked her.

She nodded.

"Are your eyes closed?"

She nodded again.

I began running. It was exhilarating to run just for the sake of running with the girl I loved strapped on my back, knowing that I was taking her somewhere she'd love.

When I came to a stop, Bella slid off my back slowly. She was breathing hard, as if she had been running herself. I turned around to make sure she was okay. Her face was pale, but her eyes were bright and shiny.

"Are you alright? Do you need to lie down?"

"No!" she enthused. "That was amazing! It was better than the motorcycle!"

I laughed at this. She had no idea. Having her on my back like that, pressed into me with her— '_Twas brillig, and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe; all mimsy were the borogoves, and the mome raths outgrabe_— 6

"So, is the place you wanted to take me first close by?"

"Um, yeah. I just stopped because there are some hikers about to come by."

Sure enough, two women began to come closer, panting with exertion. They nodded to us as they passed by.

"So, where to?"

"This way." I pointed north and we started walking.

**A/N: Lots of references here.**

**1 ****Jane Austen's **_**Pride and Prejudice**_

**2** _**Women in Love**_** by D.H. Lawrence: Bella doesn't want to see the sex scenes acted out. Lawrence's books were famous, or infamous in some circles, for sexual content.**

**3 **"**Keep it light" is what Edward tells himself over and over before Bella knows the truth about him in **_**Midnight Sun**_**. **

**4 ** **Bella says this same thing to Edward in **_**Twilight**_**. **

**5 ** **He means the one on top of his neck— don't be gross.**

**6 ****This lovely bit of nonsense is the first stanza of "The Jabberwocky," a brilliant poem by Lewis Carroll from his book, **_**Through the Looking Glass**_**, a continuation of **_**Alice in Wonderland**_**. Edward is using it to keep his thoughts chaste, though I believe that Carroll created it as a way to make fun of the pretentious poetry children were forced to learn in schools and by their tutors (as Alice was in **_**Alice in Wonderland**_**). If you're in the mood for a laugh, you should look it up and read it if you haven't heard it before. I'm sure you can find a copy on wikipedia.**


	10. Friends, Part II

**A/N: I don't own _Twilight_**

Chapter Ten

We spent the majority of the day exploring the most beautiful spots Mt. Rainier Park had to offer. As the day went on, the awkwardness disappeared, so perhaps she was right in thinking we'd be able to get past it. Being out in nature and being active seemed to get Bella's mind off her sadness more than anything. Only once in a while did she lapse into a pensive silence that made me think that either Laurel or Jacob was in her thoughts.

As evening approached, the sky began to darken with storm clouds, so I rushed her back to the car before it could start raining.

"This has been a good day. Thank you, Edward."

"You're very welcome. I'm glad you were comfortable enough to spend so much time with me. It has been very nice. I've missed this."

"You've missed being with me?" She sounded incredulous.

"Yes, Bella. You're a lovely person and quite funny. I've always liked your wry sense of humor. It seems to have developed more over time."

"Maybe I'm just more cynical than I used to be."

I allowed that; it was probably true.

"I don't know, though. I was always kind of sarcastic with Jacob, especially in the beginning. Maybe sarcasm is how I relate to friends."

"We're friends?" I asked. I liked the idea of being friends. It was definitely a progression from wary acquaintances.

"If you'd like to be." She sounded unsure.

"I would like that very much." I smiled hugely down at her.

She smiled back, but her smile became mocking after a second. "You know, you never used to forget that I am human and need food occasionally."

I smacked my head. "I'm so sorry. Are you hungry? We could stop somewhere on the way back."

"Eh, it's okay. I was just teasing you. I'm sure there are leftovers in the fridge."

"I wouldn't be so sure. Alice cleaned before they left. We might just have cereal and some snack food."

"That's fine. God knows I had plenty of meals that consisted entirely of cereal during college."

"That's completely unnecessary. We'll stop at the next exit. I'm sure there is a restaurant nearby, or at the very least a diner. Only, if it is the latter, don't tell Alice or Rosalie. They would throw a fit if they knew I took you to a lowly diner."

"Somehow they are going to have to get it into their heads that I am thoroughly middle class, the lower part more specifically. I grew up on diners."

"Yes, but they are morally opposed to them."

"Why? They don't even eat?"

"Okay, so they aren't morally opposed to them; that's an exaggeration. They'd still be shocked, though. After all these years, they'd like to think that they have rubbed off on me."

"So, why aren't you as bourgeois as they are? You grew up in a wealthy home, didn't you?"

"Yes, but I never really cared about that kind of thing. I was and am snobby in very different ways."

"Cars and music."

"Exactly. And like you said, what's the point of caring about how many stars a restaurant has when I don't eat. Though, I guess I should be spoiling you more, even if you don't care."

"But, I do care. I care enough that I'd throw a fit if you took me to some fancy restaurant."

I grinned at this. "True, which is why I won't make you go to one tonight. We are just reestablishing our friendship, after all. I wouldn't want to endanger it at such an early stage. Besides, there aren't any fancy places closer than Olympia or Seattle that my sisters would approve of. So, for tonight, a diner will have to do." As I finished my statement, I pulled into an open parking space at "Minnie's Diner."

Bella looked up in surprise— she had been looking at me until now. "That was quick."

I smirked at her and got out of the car. I would have loved to have gotten the door for her, the way a true gentleman would have done, and as I had been doing almost all day, but she opened her door and slid out before I could get to her side. Damn human speed.

As soon as we entered "Minnie's," I was confronted with the obnoxious mental voice of a waitress who was nearby.

_Sweet Baby Jesus!_ She fluffed her fake platinum hair and winked at me. I heard Bella cough behind me, hiding a laugh. I shot her a dark look.

"Hi! Welcome to Minnie's! Can I get you a table?" This was normally a seat-yourself kind of establishment, but Traci— I could read her name clearly on the piece of pink plastic pinned to her chest, which she was sticking out in a ridiculous fashion, might I add— was determined to seat us in one of her booths so she could stick her breasts in my face, flirt with me and give me her number. Awkward.

I pointed to some tables that were not in her area. "How about those over there?" suggested.

"Are you sure?" she stuttered, sticking her chest out even more as if to remind me of what I'd be missing out on if I sat in the other waitress' section. I sighed inwardly.

"Yes, that would be great."

"Are you sure? I mean, that's a pretty big table for just one—"

She stopped talking as Bella stepped forward and took my hand. It was such a territorial gesture it made me smile, even though I knew she was just doing it to save me rather than to stake her claim.

"Oh, I see you brought a friend. Well, in that case, perhaps a larger table would be best. We wouldn't want you to be too crowded." She looked up and down Bella's frame. Was she insinuating that Bella was fat? This was just too much.

"Yes, we'll sit over there, thank you for your assistance," I told her coldly.

She grimaced at Bella, but then gave me one more smile. "Whatever you want!" She sauntered off towards the kitchen where she began dishing out the newest customer: me. Ick.

I led Bella to the table I had pointed out, still fuming a bit. I could hear Bella holding back laughter behind me. As soon as she sat down, she began to guffaw— there really was no other word for it— and had to wipe tears from her eyes.

"That was so funny!" she exclaimed through the paroxysms of laughter. "Does that happen to you every time you go out?"

"No," I grumbled. I was not particularly amused with her joke. "Traci was particularly obnoxious."

Bella laughed for a little bit longer until she saw Traci come out of the kitchens, at which point she struggled to calm herself. "I swear, didn't this kind of happen the first time we went out, in Port Angeles?"

"That waitress was a retiring violet compared to this one." I made a face.

Bella snickered one more time.

"Thanks for trying to save me, though. Not that it did much good. It only put you in the line of fire."

"Eh, whatever. I can take it."

"You weren't offended by the way she was looking at you and what she said?"

"Nah, it wasn't too bad. I'm sure hearing her thoughts made it worse for you than for me."

"True."

"What was she thinking, by the way?"

I ran my hand through my hair uncomfortably. "Um—"

"You don't have to tell me. I was just curious. I can understand if a gentleman like yourself wouldn't want to disclose the thoughts of a lady."

"Especially the more lascivious ones. They were not the type for general consumption."

She smirked at this.

"You seem rather amused by this situation."

"Yes, it's quite funny to see you so perturbed; that, and seeing such over the top behavior. She makes me look like the queen of subtle and cool flirting."

"Subtle and cool, huh?"

"Yeah, more like spastic and clumsy."

"It seemed to work well on Jacob." I was referring to her getting him to spill my family's secret by flirting with him all those years ago.

"Maybe when he was 15. As he got older, he began to recognize the signs, and it only made him laugh at me." She gave a half-hearted smile.

"I'm sorry. I keep bringing him up."

"It's okay, really. It hurts a little to talk about him, but it also kind of helps."

Our waitress came over now. She was an older woman with gray hair, thank God. She noticed my appearance, but it didn't seem to impress her much. _What a waste!_ She thought_. Just like my Tom. Those drugs just ruin one's appearance. I wonder if his young lady knows._

She thought I was on drugs? Well, that was interesting. I had never gotten that one before.

"I'm Florence and I'll be your server tonight. May I take your order?"

I looked at Bella, indicating that she should order.

"I'll have the broccoli and cheese soup and some hot chocolate, please."

Was she cold? I hadn't noticed any shivering. Just in case, I would offer her my jacket after we were done ordering.

"The soup comes with a side of salad or bread. Which would you like?"

"Salad, please."

"What kind of dressing?"

"Do you have balsamic?"

"Yeah."

"I'll have that. Oh, and can I have a water as well?"

"Sure thing, honey. Is that all for you?"

"Yes."

"Okay, what can I get you, young man?" She looked at me in sympathy.

I wasn't going to order, but all things considered, I figured I should.

"I'll have the same thing, please, only with the bread instead of the salad." I figured Bella could eat some of mine if she wanted.

Bella looked at me with one eyebrow raised. I winked at her.

"Is that all, honey?"

"Yes, thank you."

"I'll be back in a little bit with your orders."

As she walked away from us to the kitchen to place our orders, I asked Bella, "Are you cold?"

"A little bit."

Without a further word, I slid my jacket off and handed it to her. It was cold, but if she put it on over top her jacket, it might warm her a little bit.

"Thank you," she said with a soft face.

I gave her a crooked smile. She stared at me.

"What?" I asked.

"Er, nothing." She was quiet for a few moments. "You know, it's a bit disconcerting to see how you haven't changed in all these years."

I frowned. Did we really have to talk about how much of a freak I was?

" I mean, it just makes me feel kind of old."

"Old? You're twenty-five, Bella. That doesn't exactly qualify you for a rest home."

She smiled, but it didn't reach her eyes. "I suppose it doesn't, but it makes me feel a little bit self-conscious about my appearance. I'm sure with your perfect sight, you can see all the wrinkles developing."

I couldn't help the fervor in my face and voice as I answered her. "Bella, you are still as lovely as you were when I knew you in high school."

She looked down, embarrassed. "I wasn't fishing for compliments."

"That may be, but I mean it just the same."

"Thanks, I guess." Her face was tinted with her typical blush. It only served to heighten that beauty.

I stared at her openly. She couldn't meet my eyes.

"What are you thinking," I asked.

She smiled at this, probably remembering how frequently I used to ask her that.

"I don't know, a lot of things, but mostly just how surreal this whole day has been. I know I've been staying with your family for almost a month now, but it still feels strange, kind of dream-like, having you all back in my life again. It kind of makes me nervous—" she trailed off.

"About?" I asked.

"Um, nothing."

I groaned. "Bella!"

She bit her lip. I could tell that she was debating whether to tell me or not.

Unfortunately for me, this was when Florence came back, carrying our meals. She placed them in front of us. "Enjoy your meal, my dears."

I was still staring at Bella when Florence walked away. Bella, however, took the opportunity the food presented and used it as an excuse to not look at me or finish her sentence.

I let out a huff of exasperation.

She looked up at me with amusement and little irritation in her eyes. "You know, just because you can hear everyone's thoughts, doesn't mean that you own the thoughts of everyone around you; it doesn't entitle you to the things people don't want to say."

"You're right. I've heard that before, and it is a well-deserved rebuke. You've hit upon the moral hazard of being a mind reader. It makes me feel entitled and cocky as hell. I'm rather arrogant and assume that, not only do I understand people because I hear their thoughts, but that I am entitled to those thoughts. Carlisle and I have had this discussion many times. But, being around you makes me realize just how little I do understand. So, even though I wish you would tell me what you were going to say, I'll try to understand if you don't. You're right. Whether you share your thoughts or not is your prerogative."

She let out a sigh. "Okay, so it makes me nervous about when your family leaves again. I realize you can't stay here forever. You've all put things on hold to be here, and so I realize that eventually, you'll have to get back to your lives. I've just missed your family and I'll miss it when you all leave again."

Ah. I knew it was cruel to ask, but I had to. "Have you missed me?" I asked it softly, trying to convey that I wasn't trying to be cruel, that I hoped her answer would be yes.

She blushed and looked down at her food. "Of course I have. You were a big part of my life. I loved you, but I also genuinely liked you, too." Her blush deepened.

I reached out a hand and touched her arm. "I missed you, too."

She looked up quickly to gauge my eyes, but looked back down just as swiftly and fidgeted in her seat.

"You don't believe me," I stated, rather than asked.

"No, I do, I can tell you're sincere, but it is still hard to comprehend."

"I've told you this before, but you really don't see yourself clearly." 1

She fidgeted again.

"Sorry," I told her. "Is the soup any good?" I asked, trying to ease her obvious discomfort. We had made enough confessions for one night.

"Yeah, it's fine." She still seemed ill at ease, but after a moment, she smirked at me. "Don't you like yours?"

I gave a fake, sarcastic laugh and went a long with her teasing. "I find it a bit thick and it lacks a certain something, if you know what I mean."

She laughed again.

"You know, it's nice to hear you laugh again."

"It feels good to do it."

"You've come a long way."

She nodded, but her face was somber again. What the hell was my problem? Why couldn't I just keep it light?

Once we got the conversation back onto lighter subjects, the rest of the evening passed quite pleasantly. Bella ate a little of my food before we asked for take-out boxes. When we walked outside, I asked Bella if she wanted to take them home. When she said no, I tossed them in the garbage.

When we got back home, Esme was there. She had returned early because she wanted to make sure everything was okay. As we walked into the living room where she was, her eyes widened at hearing our laughter and zeroed in on my jacket still slung around Bella's shoulders.

When Bella saw Esme's shocked expression and how her eyes rested on the jacket, she stopped laughing. She took the jacket off, and said somewhat awkwardly, "Thanks for the jacket, and for today. It was really nice. I'm, um, I'm going to go to bed. I'm pretty worn out." She began climbing the stairs slowly.

Esme continued to stare at me, a hopeful look in her eyes. As soon as Bella was out of earshot, I whispered, grinning from ear to ear, "We're friends!"

**A/N: **

**1 ****Reference to something Edward told Bella in **_**Twilight**_** (p. 210)**


	11. Confrontation

**A/N: I don't own _Twilight_.**

**Long a/n here, sorry.**

**First of all, thanks to everyone who has taken the time to review my story. It doesn't take a lot of time, but it means a lot to me. For those of you who haven't done it yet, I send teasers for the next chapter when I respond!**

**Okay, quick question for anyone reading planning on following it. I was wondering what you would think of a couple chapters done from BPOV. I want to keep the story as mostly EPOV, but I thought that maybe a couple of chapters from Bella might be helpful. First of all, they would help illuminate the readers on what Bella is thinking and feeling. Since we have been seeing her through Edward, it is harder to know how she actually feels. Since she is not the most forthcoming character, a little illumination might be helpful so that her actions in the future don't seem so out there. Second, something important is going to happen that Edward won't be around for. I don't want you all to miss that. Lastly, I have to admit, Edward isn't speaking to me at the moment. I have another two chapters written that will follow this one and some written for farther down the road, but am a little stuck in the in-between part. Working with Bella might be helpful in getting rid of some of my writer's block. However, if you guys aren't interested in hearing from her or you think it will be too weird, I won't do it. I'll just force Edward to come out of hiding. Anyways, send me a message on what you think!**

**Back to the drama!**

Chapter Eleven

Another week went by. Bella was becoming more and more like her self. She still mourned the loss of her baby and her relationship with Jacob, but she was getting to the point when they weren't on her mind every second of the day.

The tension between the two of us had eased; partly because we were friends now and could joke around with each other, and partly because I was making every effort to not be as intense, to not overcrowd her. There were still moments, though. Whenever she caught me staring at her, she would blush, or sometimes stammer if she was talking, or trip if she was walking.

My family seemed to be amused by the development in our relationship. I often caught them smirking when they thought I wasn't looking or paying attention, my siblings anyways. Esme seemed a little smug and Carlisle just looked happy. They were all convinced that she did or would be able to return my feelings. Of course, it was still way too early. Two months was hardly enough time for your average human to get over a seven-year absence, the death of a child, and losing a husband/best friend to another woman. Besides, she still hadn't spoken to that husband/best friend yet.

One day, Bella, Jasper, and I were sitting in the main part of the house. Jasper and Bella were reading, or at least pretending to read. Bella was preoccupied with something else and Jasper was paying more attention to her than to his book. Recently, Jasper had increased his supervision of Bella because there was a growing tension and worry in her that didn't seem to have a direct correlation to me or anyone else in the family. The atmosphere in the room was beginning to grow unbearable, only because I could read everything Jasper was taking in and it stressed me out. He wasn't purposely trying to make me anxious as well. Finally, I spun around on the piano bench where I had been tinkering with a composition.

"Bella, what's the matter? You've got Jasper all worked up here."

"Huh?" She seemed startled by my question, as if I had pulled her from some abstraction.

"What are you thinking about, Bella. You've got Jasper so worked up that he's begun to spread the feeling to me. He's not doing it intentionally, but it's beginning to get quite uncomfortable in here."

"Oh, sorry," she smiled with chagrin at Jasper.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to broadcast your feelings."

"You weren't, Jasper." I pointed to my temple.

"What has you worried, Bella? Is there anything Edward or I can do?"

"I don't think so. I just— I just think I should talk to Jacob. It's almost been two months. He's got to be very upset and I _should_ talk to him and let him know I'm okay."

"Are you ready for that?" I asked, thinking of the significance that this conversation was going to have for Bella.

She closed her eyes, holding back some emotion.

Jasper came closer to her, sitting on the couch cushion next to her. "Don't hold back your feelings, Bella. It's okay to feel them."

A tear ran down her cheek.

I couldn't stop myself from going to her, kneeling at her feet, and taking her hand.

She opened her eyes and squeezed my hand, giving me a half-hearted smile.

"Thanks, guys. Yeah, I think I'm ready. I need to let him go, both for his sake and my own."

"Do you want to call him or would you like me to?" I offered.

She smiled. "Actually, I'll just text him." Her smile turned to a smirk at my amused expression. I was only amused because she had never sent a text message in high school. It seemed sort of funny that she was now; it was very atypical of her usual middle-aged personality. "What?" she asked. "It was about time I got with it and joined the rest of my generation!"

Of course, she hadn't completely joined her generation, as her cell phone wasn't permanently glued to her hand or her pocket. I ran up the stairs and retrieved it from her bedside table so she could stay where she was.

"Thanks," she said dryly. "Walking up those stairs would have been too much for me."

"No need to get sarcastic, young lady. I was only preserving you the unnecessary effort."

"Yeah," Jasper said. "As Rosalie would say, what's the point of having boys around if they can't fetch and carry things for you?"

"Emily used to say the same thing about the pack, only she said dogs rather than boys." She giggled.

Jasper and I smiled. "I like Emily," I said.

"Yeah, me too. I miss her. I should probably call her sometime. She's left me a billion messages."

Bella sent Jacob a text. He got back to her fairly quickly. He was in class at the moment, but said he'd come out to our house afterwards. He seemed very excited that Bella was willing to talk to him again. Though, knowing what Bella would be saying to him, he should have been more worried than hopeful.

During the interim hours between the times she sent the message and when Jacob would be coming, Bella was fidgety and nervous. She paced frequently, not seeming able to sit still for very long.

Finally, Jasper asked "May I?" It took her a second to realize what he was asking, but then she nodded her head. Within seconds, she relaxed again, though there was still a subtle edge to her.

We didn't know if Jacob would be coming alone, or if Sam would make him bring backup as Sam had done when he went to Bella's house to bring Emily her things. Until we knew, we were on the defensive. Coming onto our land would be difficult for any of the wolves, though Jacob would probably be able to handle himself. When Bella walked into the woods where she said she would meet him, Jasper and I stayed closest, a little less than a mile away from her. It wasn't close enough that we could interfere with their conversation, but it was close enough that we could intervene if things got bad. Carlisle, Esme, Alice, Rosalie, and Emmett waited a little farther back in case more of the pack than Jacob showed up. Bella was seriously annoyed by our precautions, but she accepted them, knowing it would be futile to try and dissuade us from our natural protectiveness.

When I realized that it was only Jacob who was coming, I told everyone except Jasper that they could leave. Between the two of us, we could handle him if anything were to happen.

Bella stood waiting by a tall spruce tree at the edge of a small clearing beyond the river. When she came into Jacob's view, he paused at first, looking to see if she was alone. When he determined that she was for the most part alone, he picked up his pace again.

"Bella," he said, his voice thick with feeling.

She cut in before he could say anything else. "Before you say anything, I just wanted to apologize to you for what I said, for making you leave and then not talking to you at the funeral."

"I don't blame you."

"I would like to hear about how it happened. Who is she?" I could hear the sadness in her voice, but no anger. I couldn't sense any of that emotion in Jasper's reading either. My poor, brave Bella.

"A girl in one of my classes. Her name is Olivia." I could hear Jacob warring with his own emotions at Bella's calm tone.

"Is she pretty?" Bella asked.

"Bella, we don't have to talk about that."

"I know, but I'd like to know. I bet she is wonderful. Anyone who could catch your love would have to be amazing."

Jacob couldn't answer her immediately. He only slammed his fist on a nearby tree.

"Damn it!" he finally said. "Damn it, Bella, I'm so sorry." His voice broke on the last three words.

"We always knew this could happen."

"Yes, but why? I mean, I have you. Why do I need her? Who is she to me? She's a stranger!"

"She's your soul-mate."

"No! You're my soul-mate!" he yelled, but even while exclaiming this, he knew he was wrong. He knew that, as much as he wished he were Bella's, he was not, not anymore.

"Jacob, I'm going to let you go. I'm going to let you go because I love you."

"I don't know how to do this," he whispered as he stared at the forest floor.

Bella took a few steps towards him, and reaching up, ran her fingers through his hair. "I'll help you." They were quiet for a few moments. "You know, I always thought I would be jealous if you found your imprint, but strangely, I'm not. Somehow, this all makes sense. I was never right for you. I have never been able to give you what you want." She said the last sentence mournfully. I could tell that she was referring to Laurel.

A burst of anger shot through him. "That's a lie, Bella! _I've_ never been good enough for you! And you gave me everything! How could that not be enough?" He took in several deep breaths. "It wasn't supposed to happen this way, not loosing the baby, not Olivia! Damn her! Why did I have to see her? I could've just been happy with you!" He slammed his fist again.

"This is all going to make sense one day, Jake."1 They were quiet again, Bella with her own thoughts, Jacob trying to soothe his anger and understand the other emotions he felt roiling underneath the surface.

"I guess you're going to go back to _him_ now. You know, it _all_ does; it _all_ goes back to him."

"You mean—you mean Edward."

"Yes." Jacob had more to say, but he waited a minute to let Bella adjust to the emotions my name brought on.

"What do you mean?" she asked warily. "Do you mean to say that you blame him for all of this?"

"Yes. If his kind didn't exist, then I wouldn't be a freak. You and I would have been together, naturally, and I wouldn't have imprinted. Even if he did exist and you did fall in love with him, if he hadn't left, we never would have come together and we wouldn't have to be suffering like this; I wouldn't be hurting you like I am!"

"Do you regret everything we've had together?"

Jacob was surprised she had come to this conclusion, but he thought it over, finally realizing what she had heard in his words.

"No, of course not. I didn't mean it like that. I just— I think we got off on the wrong track somehow, the wrong course, and that a lot of that hinges on _him_."2

"Jake, I understand why you blame him, but I cannot."

"Bella, there's something I need to ask you. I've wanted to ask you for a long time, but I never could, but I need to now." He paused, reading her face. "Do you still love him?"

Bella hissed in a breath in surprise. I began to feel a burning inside of me; I was so afraid of what I was about to hear.

"It's been a long time, you know, and I have loved you in the time since he left." It was clear she was evading the question. Was this for my sake, or for his?

"I—I think you do, somehow, somewhere. I've always kind of thought that."

I could see it in her face, and in Jasper's assessment, Bella's temper was rising at these words. "I don't know what I have done to make you think that, but I think I understand why you might hope that. It would certainly ease your conscience to know that I am back in his arms, that he is protecting me. You won't have to worry about me any more. Is that why you are okay with me staying with the Cullens?"

Jacob took in several shocked and hurt breaths.

"I'm sorry," she amended. "I shouldn't have said that."

He continued to breathe in deeply. "No, you're right. Even if I despise him, it will ease my guilt somewhat, to know that you are being loved, even if it is by something so repulsive to me. But, Bella, I still love you; I love you so much. I mean, it's different, but it's still there. This is killing me!"

"I believe you. This isn't going to be easy for me, either. But, Jake, he doesn't love me. He is only here because he has the biggest guilt complex of anyone roaming this earth. I have no doubt that he would agree with your placement of the blame on his shoulders. I see no other reason for his being here. He's not taking me back. I am no different than I was at eighteen. I am still weak, boring, and plain. He made it quite clear to me that he didn't want me when he left. And he hasn't done anything since his return to show any change towards me. I mean, we're friends now, but he doesn't _want_ me."

Jacob looked at her skeptically. He was sure that I had feelings for her. Hadn't I said as much? Also, it hadn't passed by him that she never said that _she_ didn't want _me_. Bella averted her eyes and stared down at her long, slender fingers, fidgeting with the hem of her shirt.

He ran a finger down her cheek. "I'm so sorry, Bella. I'm sorry for all of this, for not being there for you when you lost the baby, for being a monster, for taking my love away from you and giving it to a stranger. I'm sorry for making it so that you had no one to turn to except those who have hurt you as deeply as I have. I wish you could have a different life—a better one. I wish you could be with someone who would stay with you and not break your heart. I wish you could have a child to care for." Jake let a tear fall down his face without wiping it away.

After wiping the moisture from her own face and composing herself, she asked, "When will you go to her?"

"I don't know. We don't exactly know each other, you know. I haven't even spoken to her yet, even after all this time. I couldn't, not yet." He laughed bitterly. "Not that she'll think too much of me when we do start talking. 'Oh yeah, I formed an everlasting and unconditional commitment to you the day my wife went into premature labor and our baby died. I left her as soon as I could so that I could be with you.' I'm sure she'll think I'm a real catch." He sighed. "I guess it doesn't matter. Just because she's my imprint doesn't mean we'll ever be together. She is well within her rights to hate me. Of course, it won't change me. I'd gladly be her punching bag for the rest of her life if that is the only thing she wants from me."

"Has that ever happened in the legends, you know, the imprint hating the wolf?"

"Not that I know of. I guess the closest is with Emily and Sam. She was furious with him in the beginning, pretty much hated him, actually." He sighed. "Doesn't exactly set a good precedent for me, does it?"

"So, so— are we getting a divorce, then?"

"I don't know, Bella. I guess that is up to you. I don't know how things are going to be with Olivia. I just know that, as much as it might hurt, I will not be able to refuse her anything, and that is not fair to you. But, we don't have to do this now."

Bella spoke slowly. "I think that getting a divorce would be the right thing. I want you to be free of any obligation or duty towards me."

"A stupid piece of paper isn't going to get rid of my feelings towards you."

She nodded. "Maybe, but time will. You deserve to be free, Jake. I'm not going to hold you back. You can just pretend that we were never together if it helps you."

He sank to his knees, wrapping his arms around her and resting his head on her chest. "Bella, I'd never want to do that. I'd never want to forget you."

"But you should; you'll be so much happier if you do, and Jake, I want you to be happy."

"I don't deserve it," he mumbled.

"Oh, Jake! You deserve happiness more than anyone else I know. Olivia is going to give you more happiness than I ever could."

"Bella, I never deserved you. I really hope you can be happy, too, despite how fucked up this all is. I love you so much. I never wanted to hurt you."

"I know, Jake. I love you, too. That's why I forgive you and why I'm going to let you go now."

"This sucks."

"Yes."

They held onto each other for a while, but then Jacob stood up, still keeping Bella's hands in his own.

"So, how are you? Last I heard from Emily, you weren't doing so well. You look great, though."

"Yeah, I wasn't doing so well for a while, but I'm feeling a lot better now. I'm still sad, of course, but I'm coping. It's been helpful having an entire house full of vampires who have made it their mission to help me. They left me alone for a while, but they've definitely upped the ante on their Bella-rescue-mission. What about you?"

"Well, like you said, it was rough at first, but I'm trying to come to terms with it. Some parts are harder to accept than others, though. But, there's nothing I can do to fix it now, right?" He let a gusty sigh. "Anyways, what have you been up to since you've been here?" His eyes flickered up to the direction of the house.

"Not too much. I listen to their stories, read, watch them do stuff, and go on walks with Esme. I went hiking with Edward in Mt. Rainier Park last week. It was gorgeous there."

"So you've been spending time with him, huh?"

Bella eyed him warily. Whatever was on his face reassured her. "Yeah, we're friends now."

"Yeah, the friends thing definitely worked for me. It's a pretty solid technique."

"Real funny, Jacob Black."

He laughed. "I'm teasing you, Bella. Calm down. So, when am I going to see you again? I've missed you. Though, I can understand if you don't want to see me anymore."

"No, I'd like to. I might need some time, though."

"I understand. So, is this goodbye?"

"For now. I'll— I'll send you those papers."

Jacob frowned deeply at that. "Divorced at 23."

"It's the right thing, Jake."

"Sure, sure. Can I have a hug before I go?"

"Of course." Jacob enveloped her in his tight embrace, breathing in deeply, trying to take in as much of her as he could— something I could understand well.

"I can't believe I'm never going to get to be with you again, Bells. I don't know how I'm going to continue to go on without having you in my arms at night."

"We'll get through this, Jake. You won't have to be lonely for too long. You'll get the courage up to talk to Olivia and it won't be long— I just know it."

"Ah, the power of wishful thinking."

She didn't respond to this, she just continued to hold him.

"Anyways, I'll miss you, Bells." He pulled back a little and kissed her very lightly on the lips and her cheeks. She kissed him back. These weren't kisses of passion, but a mark of their bond in friendship and their mutual love and understanding.

When he let go of her, they stared at each other for a little while longer, but then, squaring his shoulders, he turned from her and started to lope off deeper into the forest.

**A/N:1 and 2 Bella tells Jake the same things in _Breaking Dawn_. I don't feel like looking up the page number, though. **

**A/N: Okay, dolls, here's chapter twelve. Sorry it took me so long to get it to you. As I told you all, Edward was not being his usual chatty self. I had some of this chapter already written, but the rest was like pulling my teeth out. I know many of you said you wouldn't be averse to hearing BPOV next, but I'm still deliberating. If Edward is a good boy, I might just continue with EPOV and then publish a separate BPOV as a sort of companion to this story. We'll see. Anyways, I hope you enjoy this one. **

**A big thanks to the faithful 1962, who sent me a PM recently and asked me when I was going to submit again. Thanks for reading and thanks for caring. If I could, I'd send Edward to you wearing a sopping wet white t-shirt, some torn-up jeans, and a sexy, crooked smile, with strict instructions to do whatever naughty things you tell him to do. **


	12. The Aftermath

**A/N: As always, I don't own _Twilight_. **

Chapter Twelve

As soon as Jacob was gone, I hurried to Bella's side in case she needed someone, but she was surprisingly calm.

"Are you alright?" I asked her worriedly.

"Yeah, I think I'm okay."

I still watched her for signs that she would lose it, but she remained completely collected.

She knew what I was doing and gave me a wry smile before explaining. "I just need to focus on letting him go right now. I can fall apart later if I need to. Does your family know any divorce lawyers?"

"I'm sure we could find one. Are you going to be able to afford it?"

"Um, probably not. I mean, with Jake in school and my just working at the library, we don't have a whole lot of money floating around. We have a little money left over from the funeral. There was this foundation that helped us pay for it, and they gave us way more money than we needed, so we have that."

I had to turn my head to hide my smirk.

"Well, please let us know if you need help. Any one of us would be happy to help you cover the cost."

"You know I'm going to say no to that, don't you?"

"Yes, but please think about it. We have more money than we know what to do with, and it just keeps growing."

"You guys have already done so much, though."

"By letting you stay at our house?"

"Well, yeah, but it's more than that. I am already so indebted to you that I couldn't consider taking anything else from you."

"Bella, just think about it, okay? If you're really uncomfortable with accepting it as a gift, we can work out some kind of financial agreement."

She looked like she was going to protest some more, but I put one finger to her lips to quiet her. It was the wrong thing to have done. Not because it didn't quiet her— it did— but because of how mesmerizingly warm and soft her lips were. I wanted so badly to meet them with my own, to caress them with my tongue and to bite down softly on them, not hard enough to break the skin, but enough to drive her and myself into distraction.

I pulled my finger away quickly and clenched my fist. If I was going to pull off this "friends" thing credibly, I was really going to have to get a handle on the more titillating thoughts and feelings I had about Bella.

"Okay, I'll think about it if it's so important to you."

I smiled at her. "It is."

She sighed and turned towards the direction of the house.

"Ready to head back?"

"Yeah." With a small smile, she pushed on me so that my back was facing her. I bent down a little. Putting her arms around my neck, she hoisted herself up on my back. Once she was settled, I ran to the house, leaping over the river with my arms twisted backwards, holding onto her.

~oOo~

We found a divorce lawyer for Bella, but she was still resistant to letting my family help Jacob and her pay for the woman. It was completely ridiculous, though. They obviously wouldn't have the money unless they sold Charlie's house, but the chances of the house selling with the current economic downturn and considering the fact that the house was in a God-forsaken town no one in their right mind would want to move to, were minimal. Bella insisted she could get a bank loan, but I reminded her that we were willing to provide that loan without the ghastly interest rate. Besides, I wasn't sure she and Jacob would even be able to get a loan unless they had someone, such as a member of my family, to cosign it.

However, Bella seemed determined to try doing this on her own. Since the pursuit of the loan, even if it were futile, appeared to help her mood, we all let her try even though we could predict her labor's fruition. Her first line of action was trying to get a bank loan. Now that she had her car back from the mechanic's, she insisted on going to the bank alone.

When she came back from the bank, she was crying. They had, as I had suspected they would, denied her the loan. She wasn't just crying because they had denied her, but because they had told her, as I had known they would, that the only way she could get a loan was if she had someone cosign who could afford to take responsibility for the loan repayment if she was unable to pay the bank back. She knew that the only people who could afford that were members of my family, and she was angry that some way or another, she would have to rely us, and her pride wouldn't allow that.

"I'm going to have to sell Charlie's house!" she wailed when I tried to comfort her to no avail.

"Bella, maybe it isn't the right time to do that. I mean, you've already lost so many things. Do you have to sell your house, too? Won't you just let my family help you? That way, you can do what you need to do now and get some closure. If you still want to pay us back, you can think about selling the house, but only after having some time to think it over. Honestly, Bella, none of us want you to lose your house. And as I told you, we have plenty of money. We can survive lending or giving you the money. "

She looked at me fiercely and then stomped upstairs in a very childish fit of temper. I didn't think badly of her for it, her emotions must be really strong right now, and I knew that she was due for her monthly courses soon. She didn't always get PMS, but when she did, it brought out her feistier side for a day or two. Perhaps the fact that she hadn't had them in about 8 months, made her hormones stronger. Either way, I let it go. It didn't really matter why she had reacted the way she did; what mattered was taking her seriously, hormonal or not, what mattered was that she felt upset, and that perhaps I had been too insensitive.

Emmett, however, found her fit of temper very funny, and began chortling, but stopped when I shot him an angry glare.

I gave Bella her space the rest of that morning and early afternoon, but by late afternoon, she came out of her room and downstairs looking sheepish.

"Edward, I'm sorry I did that earlier. It's been an emotional time for me recently."

"I understand. There is no need to apologize. You want to be taken seriously and I understand that."

She stared at the floor. "My actions were hardly the sort to attract admiration for my maturity. It's just— you know how hard it has always been for me to accept gifts or help."

"Yes, and that is why I suggested giving you the money as a loan, rather than a gift. I knew it would be less uncomfortable for you."

"I know. I'm sorry I've been so irrational. I'd still like some time to think it over, though."

"Of course. Take as much time as you need."

Over the next day and a half, Bella didn't broach the subject with anyone, and we all kept from interfering.

~oOo~

"Carlisle, Esme? May I speak with you?" My mother and father looked up from their individual pursuits and looked at her curiously.

"Of course," Esme answered. "Would you like to go for a walk while we speak? It's not supposed to start raining again for a couple of hours." She offered this in case Bella wanted privacy for their conversation.

"Um, sure."

After Bella got her jacket, the three of them walked out of the house. As they left, Carlisle shot me a look. He thought, _what is going on? _Of course, I couldn't answer him. I had no idea what she wanted to talk about with them.

Even though I wanted to follow them, I knew it would be a poor display of manners on my part and disrespectful to Bella, so I stayed put and waited for them the get back.

When they returned about an hour later, Bella seemed like she was in a better mood than when they had left. Esme and Carlisle also seemed happier, but neither of them thought about what Bella had spoken to them about. I ground my teeth in irritation, but didn't force the issue as I really was trying to be less intense and controlling. If what she had shared with them were something she wanted me to know, she would tell me when she was ready. Badgering her to tell me wasn't the sort of thing to make her very fond of me. As Emmett had reminded me several times over the years, being a mind reader was useful every once in a while, but mostly it just made me meddlesome and annoying. I didn't want Bella to think of me in those terms, even if they were true.

Thankfully, I didn't have to wait long. She walked over to me, her heart pounding with nervousness. "Edward," she said softly.

"Yes, Bella?" I gave her a gentle and reassuring smile.

"I'd like to speak to you as well."

"Okay, do we need to go outside?"

"No, we can go upstairs. It's dark now and I'd like to go to bed soon."

I followed her up the stairs. As we walked up, I heard Emmett chuckle inwardly. _Is she going to let you join her in bed? That will certainly get her mind off of things!_ I looked back at him and shook my head, feigning offense. It was such a typical response from him that I couldn't really be offended. He knew this and so he grinned at me lasciviously and wiggled his eyebrows. I rolled my eyes at him and continued to ascend the stairs.

When we reached her room, Bella opened the door for me and I entered. I had noticed it the other day when I came in to retrieve her phone: the room was saturated with her scent. Our whole house had taken on some of her smell, but her bedroom was particularly intense. It was lovely and intoxicating, as if I were being entirely enveloped in her essence.

Bella sat on the edge of her bed. I joined her even though there was a chair I could have sat on.

"I've made up my mind about how I'm going to pay for the divorce."

I didn't say anything, but waited for her to go on.

"I've decided to let your family help. Well, more specifically Carlisle and Esme, but it's just going to be a loan until Jake and I can pay it back."

I tried to not be offended that she asked them rather than me. She still looked like she had more to say, so again, I stayed quiet.

"I've decided that I'm still going to sell Charlie's house, though. It may take a while to sell it, but I'll feel better if I can pay the money your parents are lending me back quickly. I can use the rest of the money from the sale to get an apartment or something. Maybe I'll move out of Forks. It might be good to start somewhere new. Anyways, I just thought I'd let you know what I decided."

I had many more things I wanted to say, but I left it at saying. "That all sounds very reasonable. Are you sure, though?"

"Yes, I'm sure."

I flashed her a brilliant smile. "Okay, then. I'm glad you decided to let my family help you. I think we'd all agree that it is a pleasure to do something right by you after having left you a bit worse for the wear for so many years."

As she looked at my face while I said this, something snapped inside of her. I could see pity in her eyes. In a gesture I hadn't been expecting, she flung her arms around me. I was momentarily stunned, but once I assured myself that her affectionate gesture was real, I followed suit, only in a much gentler way.

"Edward, I've told you that I have forgiven you. I forgave all of your family." She pulled away suddenly, her face flushing, though I didn't know if it was in response to her enthusiastic reaction, or something else. It turned out to be more of the latter. "I mean, I don't want you guys to do things for me out of guilt. That almost hurts worse than if you just weren't here at all. You should move on with your lives. I'm okay."

I took her face in my hands, but she continued to avoid my eyes. I waited until the silence became unbearable enough that she looked at me, trying to see why I was holding her face but not saying anything.

"Bella," I said softly. Her eyes slid away again. "Bella, look at me." She met my eyes again, her face blushing more deeply. "We are not here out of guilt. Sure we feel guilty, but that is not why we are here." She looked away again, clearly doubting the veracity of my statement. "Bella," I growled, my hands gripping her face a little tighter. It was a rather inappropriate way to handle the situation, but I was so confused at the moment. I was battling my instinct to confess my love and to kiss her, and the battle was rough.

_Careful, Edward_, I heard Esme and Carlisle think. Jasper sent me a wave of calm. I loosened my grip. "My family is here because they love you."

She looked like she had many questions about this, but she seemed to sense, as I did, that going down this path any farther might lead to further distress, so she let it go. I released her face.

"Well, whatever the reason, I'm glad you all are here. It has been very helpful for me."

~oOo~

As she had planned, Bella put her house on the market and began to pursue the divorce in earnest. Because she and Jacob were still on friendly terms, the process was relatively smooth. The only time they came into any problems was when Bella insisted that they split the money they got from the house. Jacob protested against this, of course, saying it was her house and her money. They argued over this more emphatically than anything else. The divorce lawyer was impressed and amused by this and she wondered why this couple was getting divorced, since it was obvious that they still cared for each other. Of course, they couldn't get into the specifics and explain it to her. The stalemate over the money lasted for a couple of weeks. Finally, Jacob conceded somewhat and agreed to take 25% of the money they got from the sale that was left over after they paid for the divorce.

Another two weeks passed by. Bella had been staying at our house for two months now, and had been away from work for longer than that. At this point, she went back to work, starting out with half-days, but working at the library seemed to make her happy, so she quickly went back to full-time.

Meanwhile, some members of my family began to feel restless. Specifically, one member of my family began to feel restless. Rosalie had never been Bella's biggest fan. Bella was everything Rosalie was not and wished she were. She had come with the family as a show of solidarity and because she felt bad for Bella, but she didn't really want to stick around forever. She knew that I wasn't going to be leaving and she sensed the rest of the family's hesitancy in being away from me again. She didn't want to desert the family, but she was anxious to live as normally as she could again. She wanted to go to a new town where she and Emmett could start high school again, go to college, and then throw another wedding. She wanted to get back to being as human as she could. Our life right now was as far from human as you could get and she was starting to feel resentful of Bella for being the reason that she couldn't move on and get out of our current self-imposed isolation.

While Bella was at work or sleeping, Rosalie began to throw out hints about leaving. She expressed out loud how well she thought Bella was doing and the places where she thought we should live one day. She began talking about her memories of the various times she had gone through high school and the ridiculous things she had seen kids do.

At first, no one thought twice about Rosalie's comments, but as she persisted, other members of my family began to take the hint. Everyone had a different reaction to her restlessness and desire to move one. Alice was deeply offended and began to ignore Rosalie. Jasper worried about what our leaving would mean for Bella and me, but he could see Rosalie's point: we would have to move on eventually. The more time we spent here, the more likely it was that we would run into trouble, and Jasper was nothing if not careful. Carlisle, too, recognized the danger in staying too long, but his concern for Bella and me was greater than Jasper's. He wouldn't insist on leaving until he was absolutely sure that Bella was okay or until things were settled between she and me. Esme dismissed the danger and only thought of what it would take to keep us all together. Emmett was worried about Bella and he didn't want to leave me, but he wanted to keep Rosalie happy, so he agreed with her verbally, though his thoughts were filled with more concern.

Once everyone in the family decided where they stood on the issue, Rosalie's comments were turned into conversations and even arguments. Since this went on while Bella was asleep or at work, she was unaware of what was going on. She was only aware that there was more tension in the atmosphere. She knew that Rosalie was a big part of whatever was happening, but she seemed to be unaware of the specifics, at least for now.

Despite Rosalie's impatience and insistence that we leave, we stayed in Forks and time continued to pass. I continued to strengthen my friendship with Bella, but was always careful with how I spoke to her and touched her. There continued to be moments of electrical intensity between us, but I did my best to limit those.

Meanwhile, various members of my family were plotting their next moves. They did their best to keep their thoughts to themselves, but I caught little snippets of information. The only one who guarded her thoughts completely was Rosalie, and this made me nervous, but until I could find out what exactly she was thinking, I tried to let it go. Alice and Esme's thoughts centered on getting Bella and me back together. They were convinced that Bella still had feelings for me, and they were determined to help her realize that fact. Emmett, too, wanted to help with this. Of course, he joked with himself about how much easier I would be to live with, how the brooding Byronic hero bit would end if I could, as he so prosaically put it, "only get laid."

Carlisle and Jasper were the only ones in my family who weren't thinking about what they could do to get things rolling, so to speak. Neither one thought they should interfere with Bella's or my choices, but they didn't interfere with anyone else's plans either.


	13. Changes

**A/N: Okay, mis queridas y mi querido (for my one male reader), here is the next installment. Sorry it took me so long to get it done. Life has been insane for me recently. **

**I have a request for you guys. Think of any parts in the story you would like to hear from someone else's point of view. When you have ideas, send them to me via review or PM. I'm going to publish outtakes of sorts with other points of view after I finish old Eddie's view here. I have some specific ones in mind, but would love to hear what you all want. Maybe I'll try and fulfill some of your requests.**

**Thanks for reading and reviewing! I love hearing from you all!**

**As always, I don't own anything Twilight related except the copies I have on my shelves.**

Chapter Thirteen

Things began to come to a head about three months into my family's stay in Forks. The tension in the house was mounting and Bella seemed to be getting more and more preoccupied because of it. I tried not to pester her too much about what was going on in her mind, but I broke down and begged every once in a while. Bella was resolute in keeping her thoughts to herself, though.

Finally, one day, as we were sitting in my room listening to music and reading, she asked me quietly, "She's upset with me, isn't she? She thinks I am keeping you guys from living as normally as you could."

I immediately knew who the "she" was that Bella was referring to—Rosalie. I wasn't sure how to answer her, though. On the one hand, I wanted to reassure her that no one was upset with her, and that she wasn't holding us back from living the way we like to, but this would be a lie. On the other hand, if I told her the whole truth, as I knew it, she might feel worse than she already did.

I settled for telling her, "It's not really you she's upset with, she just doesn't really understand you. She'd like to be able to move on, but she knows I'm not going anywhere, and that the rest of our family doesn't want to leave right now either."

Rosalie heard our conversation of course, and as she heard, she thought, and as she thought, I knew what she had been planning. She had been planning on telling Bella her story and why she thought Bella should move on from me. She knew that if Bella wanted to let me go, I'd concede to her wishes, but until she ordered me to go, I'd stay. She hoped that if she explained herself well enough, Bella would understand why she shouldn't stay with my family or me anymore. I guessed that, all things considered, this plan wasn't as dangerous as it could have been. I knew Bella well enough to know that any input of Rosalie's would not have an impact on her decision to either stay with me or to tell me to leave her alone. Whenever Bella knew her own mind, she was tenacious in adhering to it and there was nothing Rosalie—or I—could do about it.

"Do you think it would help her to talk to me about it? I mean, I know she doesn't really like me, but perhaps it will make her feel better if she can tell me what she thinks openly. I know you guys do your best to protect me, but I think you should let her talk to me if she wants to."

"No one is stopping her from talking to you."

Rosalie knocked on my door just as I finished saying this. "May I come in?" she asked softly.

"Come in, Rosalie."

As Rosalie entered the room, she kept her eyes trained on Bella. I could tell by her expression and by her thoughts that Bella's willingness to talk eased some of the strain Rosalie felt and made her respect Bella a little more. It was clear by what Bella had said that she cared about how Rosalie felt, and this softened my sister towards Bella a great deal.

"I appreciate your willingness to speak with me."

"Where would you like to talk?"

Rosalie's eyes flickered up to meet mine, wondering if I was going to let her be alone with Bella. Bella followed that movement with her own eyes.

"Perhaps the two of you could take a drive," I suggested.

"We don't really have any good cars right now, but all right. Would you like to go for a drive, Bella?"

"O...okay," Bella stuttered. Was she nervous to be alone with Rosalie?

Bella stood up from off the couch we had been sitting on and went to fetch her jacket from her room.

I shot Rosalie a warning glare. "I'm letting you do this because you should have a chance to tell her about your experiences and because I'm not going to interfere with Bella's decisions about me, but if you hurt her, whether emotionally or physically, so help me, I'll rip your pretty hair from your scalp one strand at a time."

Rosalie rolled her eyes and scoffed. "You're so dramatic! I'm not going to hurt her, Edward. I'm just going to talk to her."

"Talking can hurt," I growled.

She rolled her eyes again. "Whatever, Edward, I'll be nice. You know..." she paused. I could tell she was about to tell me something that was difficult for her to say, so I relaxed my tense posture for a moment. "I don't hate her, despite what you may think...I just don't really get her, and of course, you know there's the whole jealousy thing. I know she's been through a lot, but she still has more than she knows, much more than I have." Her thoughts and eyes were sincere. I saw a flash of pain in her eyes that came and went quickly.

"I know, Rosalie. I understand. I just don't want her to hurt anymore. As you said, she's already been through so much. I'm sorry I threatened you."

She let out a bark of a laugh. "Whatever, Edward. I'll see you later. Don't follow us."

I furrowed my brow in offense. "Of course not."

They were gone for almost two hours. For the first half-hour, I paced in the garage. When Alice joined me, she put a hand on my shoulder to stop my frantic movements. "She's okay, Edward. It's all going to work out. In her mind, she showed me a vision of a different Bella, strange and beautiful. Unlike the vision that she had had while Bella was in the hospital, this one's golden eyes were full of strength rather than blankness. "It's getting stronger, Edward. The choices that lead to her change are becoming more and more of a possibility."

I ground my teeth at this. Why Alice thought this vision would be comforting to me was beyond my scope of understanding. Almost as if she were blessed with my gift, she knew what had me clenching my jaw. "It's going to be her choice, Edward."

"How can you possibly know that?"

"Because I know Bella."

I shook my head. "I can't talk about this right now, Alice. It's not helping."

"Fine," she sighed, exasperated. Then, she showed me a glimpse of Rosalie smiling at Bella and Bella smiling back.

I loosened my fists, which until now had been clenched.

When Rosalie and Bella came back, Bella was deep in her own thoughts. She barely said, "Hey" to Alice and me, but she did smile at Rosalie minutely. Rosalie smiled back. I could tell from Rosalie's thoughts that whatever had been said while they drove had softened my sister towards Bella incredibly. I raised my eyebrows at her, incredulous and a little skeptical.

Rosalie merely snorted at me, flipped her hair, and walked into the house to meet Emmett.

Jasper ambled into the garage where Alice and I were still standing. "Rosalie...seems...different," he said, struggling to get the right words out.

I gave a short laugh. "This is going to drive me crazy. One of them better break down and tell me what they talked about." I sighed.

"Hey, Ali, do you want to go hunting? We're all thinking about leaving tonight and staying out for a couple of days," Jasper asked.

"Um..." Alice sounded unsure and she cast me a questioning glance

"Go ahead, Alice, we'll be fine." I have to admit, I was a little sharper with her than I had meant to be. The prospect of having a couple of days alone with Bella was both frightening and intoxicating and had me on edge. Jasper scowled at me, but Alice only smiled and shook her head.

"Okay, Jazz. Let me go change into something a little less...you know." She gestured down to her vintage teal dress, pearls, and high heels. It was quite the costume, and one of her favorites from that time, but not really suitable for a hunting trip. "Does Bella know we're leaving?"

"Yeah, I think Rose told her."

She hurried off to change and Jasper looked at me with one eyebrow raised. "Do you think Bella will talk to you?"

"I don't know; maybe, maybe not. She can be really private, you know. She isn't one to really share her thoughts with others."

Jasper's eyebrow rose again. "You two have something in common, then." He was referring to my reluctance to talk to anyone about what I was going through and my tendency to brood. I guess Bella did that a little, too. Well, maybe not the brooding. Silent, yes, but stony silence, no. "Do you think you guys will be all right?" I could tell that he was worried about Bella.

I was determined to see the next days through myself, though. "Jasper, you need to hunt. It's been a couple of weeks since you last went."

"Okay, but call if you need us."

I gave a half-hearted smile. "Okay." I was only a little sarcastic when I said this.

After my family left, I found Bella sitting in the wide armchair in Carlisle's library. She had a copy of _A_ _Tale of Two Cities_ on her lap, her finger marking her page, but she wasn't reading. Her eyes were closed and a single stream of tears ran down her soft cheek. When I saw this, I hurried to her side.

"Bella, are you all right?" I knelt down on the floor in front of her and held the hand that wasn't holding the book.

Her heart stuttered for a split second, but she smiled down at me gently. "I'm okay, Edward. I'm just thinking about what Rosalie told me. I can't imagine having that happen to me. It's just too horrible. It is terrible to think that there are men out there like that, like Royce." She sneered a little at the name.

"Yes, it is."

"It was men like Royce and his friends that you killed when you were...on your own, wasn't it?"

"Yes, it was the only way I could justify what I did."

"I know it is wrong to think this way, but I'm kind of glad you did that, even though it hurt Carlisle and Esme. You were saving other women and children from having the same thing happen to them. I'm not saying the whole vigilante thing is okay, but I have to say, I'm glad you did it. Talk about a "Dark Knight." 1

"Yes, I was definitely the original Batman, only I didn't have quite the same penchant for black leather and latex."

She giggled for a bit, probably imagining me in a black latex and leather outfit. When she stopped laughing, she was quiet. I looked at her tenderly. Finally, when she met my eyes, she was a little pink in the face.

"You know that night when you saved me from those guys, what did you end up doing? It seemed like you didn't want to attack them, but did you just let them go completely? I mean, there could have been another girl..."

"I did want to attack them. It was a hard battle, but I didn't want you to see me like that, to see the monster inside of me so clearly. I didn't want another girl to get hurt in your place, either. After I took you home, I told Carlisle about them. I took him to where the filthy louts were out drinking and let Carlisle take care of them. Carlisle gave them heavy sedatives, drove them to Portland and called the police to give an anonymous tip. I would have helped him, but I knew that if I stayed, I'd tear into them and, even if you never knew I had done it, I couldn't stand the idea of looking into your eyes and knowing that I had taken another human life, as much as they deserved to die. I couldn't be a monster and still have the hope of gaining your trust."

"Edward," she said softly, her eyes intent on mine, "You're not a monster; it's those men who are. You've never taken an innocent life."

"That's debatable," I mumbled so low she wouldn't be able to hear me.

She continued speaking. "And even if you had, I still wouldn't believe that about you. You are what you are through no fault of your own. You didn't have a choice when you became immortal. You didn't have a choice on whether you would live for eternity, always thirsting after life and blood, but you have made the choice to rise above that part of yourself and live as much of a life of peace as you can. You could have chosen to live like other vampires, taking life and never giving back, killing with no thought of who you were hurting in the process, but you haven't. That makes you much more than a monster, much more than a man."

I wanted to ask her what exactly that did make me. If I wasn't a monster and I wasn't a man, what was I? Surely not an angel or a god. What else was there besides monster, man, angel, and god? A demon, perhaps, but I didn't think Bella would attribute such a perversion to me, suiting as it was at times. I didn't totally agree with everything she was saying, but it was still touching. I wondered what I would think if and when she became one of us. But no, I wouldn't think about that.

"It sounds like you and Rosalie had quite the talk today." I said, trying to lead her into telling me more about their conversation. Bella made sort of a panicked face. "Bella, would you like to talk about it?"

She stood up from the chair abruptly, dropping my hand, her eyes still somewhat wild. I stood up, too. "Bella, what's wrong?"

"Um, nothing. I'm okay. I just...um...do want to watch a movie or something?

"Sure, but Bella, don't you want to talk about it? Did Rosalie say something?"

"No, she didn't say anything unkind or whatever. I just...Does your family have any Masterpiece Theatre movies?"

I furrowed my brow for a minute, but then decided to let it go. She'd talk to me when she was ready. "Yeah. Which would you like to see?"

"I don't know. Can we go look?"

"Yeah." Without thinking about it further, I took her hand in mine as we walked down the stairs and into the basement where we had an enormous television and library of DVDs. The library was organized by genre. I led her to the area where we kept movies based off of books and plays. She went through the collection, running her hand along the DVD spines while I watched her. She pulled out a few different movies: _North and South_, 2 _Northanger Abbey_, 3 and _Little Dorrit_4 and put them in a pile. After she picked out those three, she held them up for me to pick. I shrugged to indicate I didn't have a preference. She looked at the covers for a little longer, but the decided on _Little Dorrit_.

I had read the book long ago, but had never seen the film. In the very beginning, I was struck by how similar Amy Dorrit was to Bella. Both had a quiet sort of beauty: unassuming but somehow impossibly lovely. They were both quiet and shy, but with backbones of steel when they made a decision about something. They both had huge, loyal hearts that made them love and defend even the people who did them wrong.

I couldn't help but watch Bella while she watched the movie. I tried to be inconspicuous about it, so I don't think she noticed. There were parts in the movie when Bella cried, such as when John Chivery broke his heart over Amy and whenever Arthur acted indifferently towards her. I had relinquished my hold on her hand when we had sat down, but when she cried, I couldn't help but take her hand again.

Bella fell asleep part way through the movie. It was seven-and-a-half hours long, after all. I turned the movie off and gently picked her up and carried her to her room. Just like all the other touches we had shared since I had returned, this touch thrilled me to the core. As I walked up the stairs, I looked at her face, this time not holding back any of the intensity, desperation, and tenderness I felt. I pressed my lips to her forehead softly, lingering on her smooth skin. I lowered my lips above hers but did not dare to touch them for fear I would not be able to hold back and that she would awake to find me kissing her. She let out a soft and short moan and then said my name. I sighed and rested against the wall in the hallway outside her bedroom. I didn't want to let her go yet.

Bella shifted in my arms, trying to get more comfortable. When she couldn't adjust her body as she had wanted to, her eyelids fluttered. She let out another soft noise. I realized that she probably wouldn't be comfortable sleeping like this, so I should put her in bed.

"Shh, it's okay. Go back to sleep." I opened her door then. After I pulled the duvet cover and sheets back, I laid her gently on the bed, smoothing her hair out so that it fanned her around face. I ran my hands through her hair a few times. It was painful to leave her, even if just for the night.

Bella sighed as I wrapped the blankets around her and rolled onto her side as she usually slept. I waited in the dark for a few minutes, just watching her breathe in and out, so peaceful and beautiful, but then I reminded myself that nobody likes a voyeur and left her room and went into my own on the next floor up.

When I got to my room, I slumped on my couch and let out a sigh of longing and frustration. When I was alone like this without the thoughts of my family surrounding me, I felt truly desolate. I had been such an unmitigated, incomprehensible ass. How could this possibly work out for me? How could the heartbroken girl downstairs ever be mine again? My breathing was fast with panic, an automatic reaction to stress, a carryover from my days as a human. I tried to remember that, despite how bad things had been and how lost she may be to me, that she was downstairs, safe, warm, and loved. I could be near her again, something I had been without for seven miserable years. I should be content in that. I _would_ be content in that. I slowed my breathing, closed my eyes, and set her image before me in my mind. It was the closest I could ever come to sleeping or dreaming.

I don't know how much time passed while I sat there motionless, but a soft whimper interrupted my meditation. I opened my eyes instantly and listened harder. I could hear Bella's breathing hitch and gasp. I stood up, unsure of what to do. Was she dreaming or crying?

"No, no, no! Please don't! Edward!" she cried.

I raced down the stairs to her room. When I approached her door, I heard her thrashing. She was dreaming, then, and from the sound of it, it didn't sound like a good dream. Should I go in? It used to comfort her when I was there when she had nightmares. Would it now? I cursed it all to hell and went into her room.

As soon as I came in, I saw that she was sweating. I pulled the blankets back a little and touched her shoulder, hoping to wake her with my cold hand. She didn't awaken at my touch; she only whimpered again. It was a long, broken sound this time.

I crawled into the bed and wrapped my arms around her. "Bella," I said more urgently. "Bella, wake up, it's okay. You're safe. I've got you."

She stopped thrashing and her eyes flew open. She gasped, but then burrowed her head into my chest. "Edward?"

"Yes, Bella, it's okay. You're okay."

She let out a little sob. I tightened my arms around her. She began to cry some more. I rubbed her hair with one of my hands, trying to soothe her.

"Edward, I can't stop thinking about Rosalie. I was dreaming about what happened to her. It was so awful. I was so scared!"

"Oh, I'm so sorry. It's all over now. Rosalie is okay and you're okay and I'm never going to let anyone ever hurt you."

She let out a puff of air, but didn't say anything else. She just stayed put in my arms while her sobs quieted. Within a half-an-hour, her body was completely relaxed, her breathing was slow, and if she wasn't completely asleep, she was awfully close to it. I didn't want to, but I thought that I should perhaps let go of her and give her privacy. I began to loosen my arms and pull away from her slowly.

Edward," she mumbled. I froze. I didn't know if she was awake or sleep talking, but I figured I should stay long enough to find out if she needed anything. And if she was sleep talking, I was just as interested in hearing what she said, even if I had no right to hear it. I knew from my earlier days that when Bella was very tired and was in that strange liminal state between being awake and dreaming, she was much more pliant. Her indomitable will crumbled somewhat, allowing me to get a better glimpse of her true feelings. This surrender was what made her sleep talking so revealing, because in her ramblings, she showed her true self without the walls she habitually built around herself.

"Yes?" I whispered, feeing rather hopeful.

She wrapped one light arm around my middle and nestled closer, crossing that space I had put between us. "Stay," she breathed.

I didn't know if her actions and her words were a reflection of her conscious desires or not, but it was good enough for me. As her warm breath fanned across my face, I smiled. A deeper joy than I had felt in a very long time was filling my chest to the point where I thought it might burst.

"Of course," I whispered back and settled further into the soft bed.

**References in this chapter for any of you who actually care:**

**1 _The Dark Knight_ (2008), directed by Christopher Nolan, with Christian Bale, Heath Ledger, and more.**

**2 _North and South_ is a novel by Elizabeth Gaskell from 1854. It is both a love story and a social commentary about British class structure at the time and the pre-unionized mills, which were totally awful. If you were to mix Jane Austen's _Pride and Prejudice _with Charles Dickens' novels, you would have _North and South_. It is a long book, and if you're not an avid reader, I highly recommend the Masterpiece Theatre film version (2005). It has Richard Armitage and Daniela Denby-Ashe in the leading roles. **

**3 _Northanger Abbey_ (published posthumously in 1817) is one of Jane Austen's lesser-known novels, but one of my favorites. This novel has the usual romance and society scheming and niceties, but it also makes fun of the Gothic Romance novels that were so popular at the time. The Masterpiece Theatre's production (2008) is very cute and fun and stars J.J. Field and Felicity Jones.**

**4 _Little Dorrit_ (published between 1855-1857) is a novel by Charles Dickens that broaches such lovely topics as debtors' prisons and bureaucracy. It is all served up with a good dose of romance and humor, as is typical of Dickens' books. The Masterpiece Theatre's production (2009) stars Claire Foy and Matthew Macfadyen.**


	14. A Step Forward, a Step Back

**A/N: Sorry it hasn't taken me so long to add this new chapter. Summer semester has been kicking my butt. Thanks to all of you who sent me messages, asking me when I was going to update again. You guys rock my world. I apologize if this chapter isn't as exciting as others. We're working up to some big stuff. Be patient, lovies!**

**I don't own Twilight.**

Chapter Fourteen

The next morning when Bella's alarm clock went off, she was startled to find me in her bed. She bolted up into a sitting position, holding the blankets to her chest and looked at me with startled eyes and flaming cheeks. When I only laughed at her reaction, she looked down at herself. Seeing that she was still clothed, she dropped the blankets.

"You know, I should probably be offended that you think I'm the incubus-type."

Her cheeks flamed brighter. "No, I didn't think you— Oh God, I just, sometimes when I'm really tired, I—" She trailed off, gesticulating with her hands rather than finishing her explanation.

"When you are tired, you are more . . . amorously inclined?" She twisted the sheet in her lap uncomfortably and kept her eyes averted. "I assure you," I continued, "that nothing untoward happened. You had a nightmare, remember? When I came down to help you, you merely asked me to stay." She breathed out a relieved sigh. I laughed at her and ruffled her hair. "Do you want to do anything special after work?"

"I really need to get over to my house and make a list of everything I need to get done before I can sell it. The house is in pretty good shape as it is. Jake worked on it a lot, but I'll probably need to do some stuff to make it more attractive to buyers. I'll probably go over to the Wal-Mart in Port Angeles to get the materials I need. Kind of a boring night, but there it is. Being an adult is boring."

I gave her a half smile. "Do you think Jake will want to help with repairs and stuff?"

"I'm sure he'd help if I asked him, but I don't know..."

"You don't really want to see him right now."

"I do sometimes, but I think it would just make me sad right now. I don't really want to think about how everything has changed."

I nodded. "I'd be happy to help you, but you know who you should get involved with this? Esme. You know how mad she is for redecorating."

"Yes, but she'll probably try to get me to remodel the whole house and then I'd have to borrow more money. I don't think so."

"No, she might try to convince you at first, but if you're firm, she'll do perfectly fine on your budget. She'd just have a lot of fun doing it."

"Okay, I'll hold off on the home repairs for a while, then. When is everyone getting back?"

"I think they're planning on coming back either tomorrow night or the night after."

"Alright. Well, I should go take a shower and get ready for work."

"Okay. Hey, sorry I startled you this morning."

She gave a short laugh and turned a little pink. "That's okay. Sorry about last night."

"There's no need to apologize. Oh, so since we're not doing home repairs tonight, what do you want to do?"

"I don't know. I probably should still go over there and put things in boxes. I think Jake got his belongings and Emily took care of the baby stuff."

"Alright. Would you like me to come along and help?"

"Sure. It might be nice to have company."

"Would you like to eat before we go?"

"Er, sure, why not?"

"What would you like to eat?"

She smiled widely. "I don't know. Why don't you surprise me?"

Apparently, she was teasing me. "Well, I hope you'll like whatever they're making on the food channel."

"I'm sure that will be fine. Okay, I really need to get ready to leave."

After she left, I ran through the food channels and wrote down the ingredients and instructions to the first thing I saw that looked like something she liked to eat, but then found something that looked simpler in a binder of recipes sitting in the kitchen that Esme had put together for Bella. I couldn't go to the local grocery store to get the ingredients, but I figured Port Angeles would be safe enough. That is where Esme had been going to get food for Bella.

This was the first time I had ever attempted to cook a meal, my human life included, but I figured it couldn't be too hard. It was like a chemistry experiment: cut this up to a certain size, measure this amount, bring it to this temperature, etc.

Before I made dinner for her, I went hunting in Olympic Park for larger game. I only found herbivores, but it was good enough for now. My family had been pestering me recently about hunting more often. I think they were all horrified by how terrible I had looked when they first returned to Forks. They pretty much left me alone in the beginning when things with Bella were still tenuous, but now that she wasn't in as much physical or emotional danger, they started nagging me again. They were right and I knew it, so I often went hunting for the black tailed deer common to this part of the state while Bella was at work or asleep. It had been a very, very long time since I had had a carnivore. I knew it was only time before Emmett or one of the others forced me on a longer trip so that I could catch a carnivore. They were generally more satisfying and curbed my appetite for longer, though they still didn't compare to human blood. Now that Bella seemed so much happier, I could probably get away with a longer trip, though I still didn't want to leave her, even for a relatively short time.

It seemed that no matter what I did, there would be some pain involved. When I was with Bella all the time and malnourished to boot, there was the physical pain in my throat. When I was away from her, even for short periods of time, there was a different type of pain. It wasn't physical, but it was just as real. At this point, I didn't know which was worse. A few months ago, I would have said that the pain from being away from her was a million times worse than the physical pain that came along with being around her all the time, but now that I could depend on being able to return to her, this pain wasn't so severe. It was still there, though. She was just so fragile and ephemeral. Anything could take her away from me in the blink of an eye and she would be gone before I had the chance to tell her how much she meant to me, how much I loved and adored her, how amazed I was by her strength, the way she carried her body, the way her eyes held so much love, compassion, patience, and determination. My fear about being away from her for any length of time was extremely neurotic, but that is how I felt.

When Bella got home from work that evening, I had dinner sitting on the dining room table waiting for her.

"Mmm, it smells amazing in here! What did you make?"

"Fettuccine alfredo with fresh spinach, mushrooms, and sundried tomatoes, salad, and garlic bread."

"Yummy. Did you get these recipe from a food channel?"

"Actually, no. Esme has a book of recipes she has on hand for you. I found it in the kitchen."

"Okay, I'm going to go change and then I'll be right down."

After she had changed into casual day clothes, she sat down across from me. She was about to take a bite, but then paused and looked up at me. "It feels weird eating while you just sit there and watch me."

"Would you rather I went somewhere else while you ate? I don't mean to make you uncomfortable."

"No, I didn't mean that." She flushed. "I don't mind your sitting with me. It's just weird having a fancy dinner like this but being the only one to actually eat it. Thank you for making this, though. I appreciate it. You probably don't cook often."

"Never. This was actually the first time I've ever cooked anything at all."

"Really? Not even when you were human?"

I shook my head. "You have to remember, I was 17 when I died. Most 17-year-old boys don't cook. Besides, I was from a wealthy family. We had a cook who took care of all the meals. There was never any reason for me to learn how."

"Your family had a cook?" She dropped her fork in surprise.

"Yes. We had a cook, a maid, a gardener and groundskeeper, and a chauffer."

"Whoa! What did your father do, or were you just independently wealthy?"

"He was a very successful lawyer in Chicago, but both he and my mother came from wealthy families. They inherited lots of stocks and investments and so forth."

"What happened to all your parents' money? You didn't have any siblings, right?"

"Right. Well, the government seized my family's fortune. There were no survivors in the family to claim it. I couldn't, obviously. I was dead, after all. Fortunately, I went to my family's house after I 'died' and took what was most important to me: things to remember my parents by and the life I had with them, so the government didn't get everything. I'm assuming that everything they seized was lost during the Depression."

"That's so sad."

"I suppose, in a way, but like I said, I got what was important to me. I didn't really care about the money, not really. What did the loss of my fortune matter in the light of everything else I had lost?"

I must have had a gloomy expression, because Bella reached across the table and laid a hand on mine. My hand tingled at her touch. I looked up at her and saw sympathy and perhaps pity in her eyes. "I do not mourn the loss of my life or my parents anymore."

She looked like she didn't really believe me. "I'm still sorry for you."

"Don't be," I said quietly. I turned my hand so that it met hers, palm to palm. I linked my fingers with hers. She glanced at our intertwined hands but didn't say anything, or even tried to pull away. Perhaps she was afraid it would hurt my feelings if she did.

We sat in silence for a few moments, but eventually I came to reason again. I twisted our hands so that hers was on the top and brought it to my lips. I kissed her hand softly and quickly before releasing it. Her face blushed scarlet. "Thank you for feeling sorry for me. I didn't have any one to mourn for me at the time of my death. Since then, I have been the only one to mourn."

Bella let out a little laugh.

"What?" I asked her.

"Rosalie said something like that too. When she told me what happened to her, I cried. She said that I was the first person to cry over her—that she had witnessed anyways. I think she needed that, to see someone cry for her."

"Because she never could really cry about it herself."

"Yes. At first she would have been in too much shock after what those men did to her; her mind would have been disconnected from her body. But then she was changed and didn't have the ability to cry anymore."

"Bella, what else did Rose say to you?" I asked this softly, pleadingly, but I saw the shutters snap down in her eyes and her face became stony.

"We should probably get going." She looked at her feet.

I looked at her for a moment longer but then conceded. "All right. Do you need to do anything else before we go over there?"

"No, I'm ready."

The ride over to her house was silent. I tried to start a few conversations, but she seemed unwilling to talk. I wondered what I had said to make her upset. She had avoided telling me about what she and Rosalie had talked about twice now. I was sure that that was what was making her unhappy now. This only made me want to know more. What had Rosalie said? I decided I was going to call her tonight. I knew that she wouldn't answer the phone, but I'd leave a message for her anyways.

When we got to her house, the silence continued. Bella still seemed tense and guarded, and she avoided looking me in the eyes. The tension finally broke while we were packing up the kitchen. I was cleaning out a baking cupboard. I was so focused on Bella while I was doing this, that I grabbed a bag of flour too tightly and the paper bag ripped. Flour poured out and flew up, covering my hand, face, shirt, and pants. I was momentarily stunned. Bella turned around to face me and when she saw me covered in flour, she burst into laughter. As she helped me dust off and got the dustpan and broom, she continued to chortle. I retaliated by patting her back, creating large white handprints all over her black shirt. After that, we talked and laughed like normal.

"So, do you want to take this stuff over to my family's house? We have a whole lot of garage space."

The smile that had been on her face faded. "You know, I really should get an apartment. I've been thinking that for a while, but it's been so nice staying with your family. We can just leave the stuff here until I find a place."

"Bella! Excuse my language, but what the hell are you talking about?"

"Edward, I can't stay with your family forever. You guys have to move on. You can't stay here for me. I mean, I really appreciate how much you all have done for me, but you can't stay. You can't even leave the house, for God's sake!"

"Yes, we can."

"Only if you go somewhere far away where no one will recognize you. That's not much of a life. I don't want to keep you all trapped here."

"We're vampires, Bella, nothing can keep us here except our own choice to do so. Don't you remember what I told you the last time we spoke about this? We're here because we care about you."

"Well, I know that Alice, Esme, and Carlisle, and . . . but I just—"

"Just do me a favor, Bella. Don't worry about it anymore. Stay with us. Don't worry about moving or keeping us from 'living our lives' as you call it. I promise that one day you'll really understand why we're here. At least, I hope you will. Just store your stuff in the garage. Don't try to move out any time soon. We're fine. We want to be here right now"

She was quiet for a few minutes, chewing this over. Finally, she said, "Okay, I'll stay for a little longer, but we'll talk about this again. Like I said, you can't stay forever."

"We'll deal with that later—not today, or even this week."

She shook her head in disbelief. "Anyways, let's take the boxes we can fit into the car and call it a night. I'm kind of tired. I want to go take a hot bath and read."

I gave her a half smile and picked up a couple of boxes. She made to pick up one. "Bella, I can get these all out to the car by the time you get your seat belt on. Go sit back and relax."

She made a noise of disparagement, but followed my advice.

When we returned to my family's house, I told her to take her bath and that I'd get her stuff into the garage. After I finished putting the boxes in the garage, I went up to my room. As I sat on my couch, I heard her turn the faucet on in the bathroom. After several minutes, the tap was turned off and I heard the water slosh as she lowered herself into the hot water.

Meanwhile, I was doing my best to keep my attention diverted from her activities. It wasn't the first time she had taken a bath since staying at my family's house. Each time, I envisioned her undressing and lowering herself into the steamy water, sweat breaking across her brow, echoes of my human hormones shot through my body. But, I couldn't think about that anymore. I forcefully pried my sticky, greedy, and grasping thoughts away from her.

Instead of focusing on the temptation on the floor below me, I took this time to call Rosalie. "Hey Rose, it's Edward. What did you tell Bella? I've asked her a couple of times what you talked about, but she won't tell me; she only gets upset and shuts down. You better have not said anything rude or made any allusions to our family not wanting to be here or something. If she loses it again or if she gets distant and weird, I'm holding you accountable." I hung up.

After my phone call, I pulled out a journal from my shelves. It was a journal of thoughts, poems, song compositions, and drawings from seven years ago when we lived here and during the time that I met Bella and fell in love with her. I could see in what I wrote down, the progression of my love and how all consuming it was once I realized what it was that I was feeling. My scribbles took on more life and flavor, but there was an edge of fear amidst it all, just like the lullaby I wrote for her, which also ended unresolved and unsure.

Even though I knew I shouldn't think about it, I thought about what it would be like to have Bella in my life for the rest of my existence. Would we be able to remain friends over the centuries? Would we ever be lovers, husband and wife? Could we ever be matched like Carlisle and Esme, Rosalie and Emmett, Alice and Jasper? Could we be two halves of a whole?

This last question brought the wolf pack to my mind. I wondered how things were going with Jacob's imprint. Would he ever find happiness? I knew Bella well enough to know that she would sincerely want his happiness. If she knew that he were out there, unhappy, neither with her nor the woman who had spoken to his wolf spirit, she would feel unhappy as well. I didn't want that. Perhaps if Jacob's love story could be resolved, Bella would feel free to accept my love.

An hour had passed when I heard the drain open, the water course through the pipes, and Bella get out of the bathtub. I heard the pull of the towel, her soft, wet footsteps on the cold tile floor. Instead of thinking about her state of undress, I thought about how good she would feel after this long soak and how her muscles would be more relaxed and her breathing slower, her body winding down and getting ready for sleep. I closed my eyes and imagined being able to have such a sense of contentment.

I heard her pad off to her bedroom and the soft thud of her door closing. I heard her set a book down by her bed and her running a brush through her long hair. I heard the blankets being pulled back and her climb into bed. I heard a sigh fall from her lips as she lay down. I heard the click of the lamp being turned off and her rolling onto her side. Everything was quiet now, except for the slow rhythm of her breathing and the beat of her heart.

I lay on the floor, mimicked her sleeping position, and brought my entire focus onto her breaths and her heart. I mimicked her respirations, breathing in and out at the same speed. After a few minutes like this, with my mind completely still, I could almost imagine that the beat I heard was my own heart and that I, too, was alive.

At one o'clock in the morning, I heard Bella stirring and her breathing quicken subtly. It sounded like she had woken up. After a few minutes, I heard another noise. She was crying. Immediately, I stood up and went down stairs to check on her and see if she needed me to come in again. If it weren't for the fact that I couldn't wish any distress on her, I might have wished that she had had a nightmare so that I could lie down and hold her like I did the night before.

I knocked softly at the door. "Bella?"

She sniffed. "Edward?"

"Are you all right?"

"I'm fine, Edward."

"Do you want to talk?"

"No, not really."

I deliberated for a moment. "May I come in?"

She didn't answer immediately. "Yeah, I guess so."

As I came in, Bella rolled onto her other side, so that she was facing me. I sat down on the floor, my back against the bed, looking towards the door. I figured that if she didn't want to talk, I should give her a little space.

We were both silent for a while. She was no longer crying, but I could tell she was still awake. "It was hard being at your house today," I stated, not asked. It was a technique I had used during my first real conversation with her.

She sighed. "Not really. Having you there with me helped."

"So, that's not why you're upset?"

"No." As she said this, I could have sworn I felt something brush the hair on my neck very gently. Was she touching me? What was the meaning of this affectionate gesture? I didn't dare turn around. I didn't want to seem like I didn't want her affection. On the contrary, I craved it, not only because of how it felt, but also because of what it meant. It meant that she cared about me and that she trusted me.

"But, you don't want to tell me why you were crying."

"No."

"Would you like me to stay with you tonight?"

She paused before answering. "No, I'm okay now. I'm tired enough to fall right back asleep."

"Okay." Only now did I turn around to face her. I was disappointed, but I wouldn't let her see that. Instead, I ran my hand along her cheek. She shut her eyes at this gesture. Was it out of fatigue or an excess of emotion she didn't want me to see? "Sleep well, then. I'll see you in the morning." With that, I stood up and left her room, closing the door behind me.

I went back up to my room. While I had been sitting with Bella, I had heard my phone beep, indicating that someone had left me a message. Could Rosalie have gotten back to me so quickly?

Sure enough, there was a text message on my phone from Rosalie. It read. "There's a simple solution to all of this: stop asking her to tell you what we talked about."

I let out a short and hard laugh and dropped the phone back onto my couch. How very like Rosalie.


	15. Fight

**A/N: I don't own Twilight or any of its characters.**

Chapter Fifteen

The next day, Bella was quiet and a little distant. When I asked her if she wanted to do anything, she said she was thinking of going for a walk on First Beach. I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't worried about this idea. Would Jacob find her there? Would being there be hard for her? Would it bring back memories for her? What if she got upset or hurt? How would I be able to help her since she'd be across the treaty line? However, I knew that I needed to let her do what she wanted to. She was an adult and had a right to go wherever she wanted to go and do whatever she wanted to do. I knew I had no right to question her choices and I didn't want her to think that I thought she was helpless without me there to protect her. After she told me her plans, I kept repeating to myself, "She'll be fine, she'll be fine."

She left for First Beach a little after lunchtime and was gone for a few hours. When she came home, she brought the smell of the ocean, sand, wind, rain, and something animal . . . wolf. I tried to keep the suspicion and concern off of my face as I asked her, "Did you run into the pack?"

"No," she said slowly, "just Jacob. He was there with—" She paused to swallow.

"His imprint?"

"Yeah, Olivia and her . . . daughter." At this she broke into sobs.

I pulled her into my arms. "Jacob's imprint has a daughter?" No wonder she was so upset. It would have been hard enough to see just Jacob, but to see him with his imprint and his imprint's daughter?

"Y-yes. She's three. Ja-Jake got . . .what . . . he wanted. She gave him . . . a child. I c-couldn't give him a ch-child."

I rubbed her back soothingly, unsure of what I could possibly say to make her feel better. "Bella, Bella, don't cry. That's not why he left you. It wasn't your fault, and just because things didn't work out with you and Jacob, doesn't mean that you'll never get to be a mother."

She only cried harder at this and her grip around me got tighter. I figured that perhaps it would be best to just keep my mouth shut at this point. I held her close and continued to rub her back until her sobs quieted.

When she pulled away from me, she gave me a weak smile and wiped her wet face. I must have looked grave, because she told me, "Really, I'm okay. It was just a shock, that's all." After that, she made an effort to be more cheerful. She smiled at me and asked, "Could we make cookies?"

Her question seemed so random that it took me a second to switch topics. "Uh, sure. Do you have a recipe?"

"There's probably one in a box in the garage. I can just look one up on the internet." She went over to the computer hidden behind a screen in the living room. When she found what she wanted, she went into the kitchen to make sure we had the ingredients she needed. I followed behind her. "Let's see. You have flour, sugar, vanilla, butter, eggs . . . oops, we need one more egg. You have baking soda, but no baking powder, and no chocolate chips. Okay, so I guess I need to go to the store for those things. Do you want to come along?"

"If I do, we'll have to go all the way to Port Angeles."

"Oh, that's right." She giggled. "We wouldn't want to run into Jessica Stanley, or something."

I pretended to shudder at the thought. "Does she still live in town?"

"No, I don't think so. I think she went to California for school. I haven't seen her since. I did run into Mike Newton, though."

Even though I already knew about this encounter, I made a horrified face. "And was he as vile as ever?"

"Yes, he was flirting with me, pregnant and all."

"What a slime ball."

"Yeah. Well, let me go to the bathroom before we go."

We left for Port Angeles. Bella was still trying to be cheery. We continued to reminisce about our old high school peers.

"Angela is the only one I've bothered keeping in touch with. We used to e-mail, but now we just send Christmas cards and stuff." She gave out a hard laugh. "I don't know what to tell her this year. She knew I was pregnant. 'Dear Angela, this year I lost the baby and got divorced. I am currently living with my ex-boyfriend from high school and his family. Hope you have a jolly Christmas. Love, Bella.' Oh man, she'd be calling me for a free therapy session after that. I could be her first client to institutionalize. I'm sure she would send me to the hospital if I told her how I've dated a vampire and a werewolf. What a story!" She laughed uneasily.

"I take it she's a therapist, or something?"

"Yeah, well, in graduate school for it. I'm sure she'd love to practice on me. Delusional? Check. History of catatonia? Check. Sounds like schizophrenia to me."

It was kind of funny listening to her question her own sanity. Hadn't I worried about the same thing when she told me she didn't care if I was a vampire? Even though I knew there was nothing actually the matter with her now, her manic cheerfulness did make me a little worried.

"Bella, you're not crazy. Well okay, it's a bit crazy that you're comfortable sitting in an enclosed space with a thirsty vampire, but other than that, you're completely sane."

"I don't know, I guess. I've been through enough to make me lose it, though."

"But you haven't lost it. You are truly the strongest person I know." She looked at me skeptically. "You are," I insisted.

"I don't know about that." She seemed to have deflated and her voice sounded defeated. She closed her eyes. "Jake looked so happy. Well, until he saw me. Then, the lights just went out of his eyes for a bit. God, I never thought he'd look at me like that, like he'd betrayed me, and he couldn't stand to see the evidence of that betrayal. He tried really hard to not seem like I was the last person he wanted to see right then, but he must have hated me for being there."

"Jacob could never hate you."

"I know. He wants me to be happy and I want that for him, too, but it was still hard seeing him and seeing her and seeing the little girl. You know, I never thought I'd want to be a mother, but I wanted Laurel so badly. I wanted give back to Jake a little bit of the love he gave me so unconditionally."

"Do you think you'll want to try to have children again?" I held my breath. The answer to this question was practically the answer to the question of whether I had a chance with her or not.

She was quiet for a while, thinking it over. "I don't know. My heart and brain tell me such different things."

"What does your heart tell you?" I stared into her eyes as I asked this question, trying to force the answer I longed for into her head.

She stared back, silent. Meanwhile, I ached. Finally, she looked away and shook her head as if trying to dispel the thoughts in her mind. "My heart—My heart says that maybe I was never meant to have that life with Jake, that maybe we were trying to force something that wasn't meant to be, not in this world anyways. It sounds kind of fatalistic, like our choices had nothing to do with what ended up happening between us, like they were all futile in the face of the greater picture. But, neither of us can leave the world of mythology now that we have entered it. It has changed the shape of our lives, taken them out of our control. Jake would have imprinted even if I hadn't lost the baby."

"And I still would have come back, plunging you into my world again; that is if you chose to reenter it," I added.

She jerked her head so that she was looking at me again. Her eyes searched mine. "Why did you come back, Edward? I know what Esme told me, that Alice was having visions and asked you to come back, but that still doesn't explain it to me. Why did you bother?"

"What if I told you that I never forgot you?" I asked slowly, measuring each word carefully. "What if I told you that I was thinking about you the entire time I was away?" The words came spilling out now. "What if I told you that you changed me too; that I cannot leave the world I entered when I met you any more than you can?"

Her face was stony. I could see those shutters again. They slammed down, locking me away with such force that I winced. "Stop the car," she demanded.

"What?" I asked, bewildered.

"I want to get out."

"What?"

"I want to get out! Let me out!" She hit the door with her hand, panicking.

I slammed on the brakes, shooting Bella forward in her seat. As soon as her body hit the seat again, she opened the door and jumped outside. She walked away from the car with a quick, determined stride.

Was she serious? Was she going to walk home in the cold and rain? I followed after her.

She seemed to hear me, because she turned around abruptly and held out two hands as if to hold me away from her.

"No, stay away from me. I-I-want you to stay in the car. I'll be back in a minute. Just leave me alone for a bit."

I did as she asked. As I walked back to the car, I thought, "Oh God, what have I done? I managed to push her away. Why couldn't I just keep my mouth shut? Why do I always have to push her around, to force her to see things my way? What if she never forgives me?" I longed for the catharsis of physical activity. I wanted to stomp, punch, or push. I felt locked in this body that I always had to restrain. I longed to let go for once, to let the power pour out of me, to really exert myself so as to relieve the tension inside of me. However, I couldn't act on these desires. As it was, I'd only make a mess, hurt someone, maybe even Bella. I couldn't run either. That was the only thing I could think of that might help, but even that was barred from me. I couldn't leave Bella alone on the side of this highway. So, I settled for sitting in the driver seat, putting my head on the steering wheel, clenching my fists, and shutting my eyes tight. There I waited, letting the self-loathing pour over me in torrents. Were there any ways for me to destroy my happiness left? Hadn't I exhausted them all?

When I heard Bella walk back to the car, I sat back up and forced my body to relax. I only let the remorse I felt continue to show in my eyes.

She was soaking wet and her clothing stuck to the leather interior as she slid in. Her head was hung low. Was she embarrassed, or was she just keeping me from being able to look into her eyes? In answer to my unspoken question, she mumbled, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I was overreacting."

"And I'm sorry I upset you. Would you like to go home?"

"We're almost to the store."

"Yeah, but you're all wet. You've got to be freezing." As I said this, I turned the heat up and turned all the vents so that they faced her.

"If you don't mind, you could just get the stuff while I wait in the car. I don't really feel like making cookies tonight, but maybe I'll make them tomorrow, or something."

At this point, I wasn't going to argue with anything she said.

We didn't talk the rest of the ten minutes it took to get to the store I had been to the day before. I left her in the car with the heat blasting on high. I got the items on her list as quickly as possible. I wasn't one hundred percent sure I got the right kinds, but when I showed them to her after returning to the car, she seemed to approve of my choices. She only briefly smiled when she saw that I had bought four bags of chocolate chips.

"I didn't know how many you would need," I explained.

When we got home, she went upstairs to take a shower. After I put the groceries away, I paced for a little while. What could I do? Could I get away with going for a run now? What if she needed me? Was it worth it? In the end, I decided to play a long, stormy piece on the piano. When a couple of keys cracked due to my excessive force during a crescendo, I swore loudly and gave up. I sat, dejected, on the piano stool.

I heard Bella come down the stairs and into the living room. She stopped one pace behind me, but I still didn't look up. I couldn't trust my face to wear a mask of composure at the moment.

"Edward," she said softly. She paused, waiting for me to respond. I didn't. "I really am sorry. I can see that I made you upset. I shouldn't have treated you like that. I should have listened to what you had to say and not have flown off the handle like I did. Will you forgive me?"

I turned around on the bench and looked at her. "Oh, Bella, it's I who should be apologizing, not you. I don't want to hurt you. That's all that is making me upset. I just don't want to hurt you anymore, even by the smallest means. I shouldn't have said those things to you."

She sat down on the bench next to me. "I guess we both messed up today," she said. I snorted. She placed a hand on mine for the second time this weekend. I looked up into her eyes. "I forgive you, Edward."

"And I you, even though I don't think you need to be forgiven."

She gave me a small smile. "So, I think I want to make those cookies after all."

I smiled back. "Do you think we have enough chocolate chips?"

She rolled her eyes. "Yeah, I think we do."

With my hand still clutched in hers, she pulled me into the kitchen. There, she instructed me about what I should do to make the best chocolate chip cookies in the world, as the recipe called them.

~oOo~

My family returned after Bella had gone to bed. After telling me about their trip, they asked me about the weekend. I briefly told them some of what happened. I left out some of the details such as laying in Bella's bed as she slept, her holding my hand two days in a row, the way she touched the back of my neck, the reason we had fought earlier that day.

"Are things okay now?" Esme asked, her expression worried. She glanced at Alice. As they met eyes, I distinctly heard in Alice's mind, _He's going to ruin everything. _

"What am I going to ruin?" I asked them.

Immediately, everyone shut his or her mind to me. "Never you mind," Alice said. I sighed in annoyance but resignation.

Over the next week, my relationship with Bella seemed to maintain its current state. She neither ignored nor sought me out more than she had been doing already. The biggest changes I noticed were not from Bella or myself. I noticed that Rosalie seemed to be paying more attention to us, watching us, Bella in particular. She noticed every time we spoke to each other. She catalogued each touch. She watched Bella for any signs of affection or preference for me. She assessed each look, each blush, and each stutter of the heart. She didn't register these things out loud, but she examined and weighed each one in her mind, looking for meaning and importance. I sensed that she was undecided about something, but that she thought she had to observe us closely in order to make up her mind about something.

She did this for two weeks. At the end of the two weeks, I heard her say to Emmett, "It's time." At this bit information, everyone seemed to perk up, Emmett, Esme, and Alice in particular. Emmett came bounding down the stairs. I heard his intention of coming to me. I turned to meet him.

"What's going on?" I asked him suspiciously.

He threw one arm around my shoulder. I allowed this gesture even though it increased my suspicion. "Edward, it's time for you, Jasper, and me to go hunting like the old days—a couple of bears each, the open road, and maybe a prank or two, just for old time's sake."

"Emmett, just be straight with me. What do you really want?"

"Fine. If you're going to be a baby about this, I'll tell you. I think you need to get out. You've been cooped up for too long. It's going to make you insane and—" he lowered his voice, "it'll make you look good if you can give Bella some more space. You have to admit, you have a tendency to hover and be generally creepy when it comes to her. Give her a little air, bro. It'll be good for you both."

"How much air is she going to get with four other vampires 'hovering around and being generally creepy' as you put it?"

"Aw, those guys will leave her alone." Despite his assurance, I saw an image of Bella surrounded by four of my other "creepy" family members.

"Right, okay." I sighed heavily. "Fine, I'll go, but for only a couple of days."

"Four," he haggled.

"Three," I compromised.

"Right on!" He raised a hand for a high five. Giving Emmett a high five was usually a bad idea. It had been known to lead to a detached limb or two. I just looked at him with one of my eyebrows raised. "Fine, be that way," he huffed.

I laughed and shook my head. "When are we going?"

"Tomorrow?" he suggested.

I felt a lurch of anxiety about leaving Bella so soon, but I agreed to his proposal. If I was being honest to myself, Emmett's advice was so in-line with my own thoughts, that I took it as a good recommendation. Having me gone for a bit, and more importantly, having me come back afterwards, would be good for Bella. It would be good for me as well. It had been a long time since I had really spent time with Emmett and Jasper just being boys.

"Okay," I finally agreed.

"Awesome. I'll go tell Jasper."

"I already heard," Jasper said, smiling as he came into the room. I could tell from his thoughts that he was pleased that, not only was I going along with "the plan," but also because he genuinely wanted to have a fun time with Emmett and me.

"What's 'the plan?'" I asked.

"Never you mind," Jasper said, using the same words Alice had said to me a couple of weeks ago.

At the same time, Emmett said, "So, I was thinking Glacier National Park." He had completely ignored my question.

"Montana?" Jasper and I asked at the same time.

"Yeah. Gorgeous scenery, plentiful wildlife, simple, Podunk Montana folk. How much more could you ask for?"

"True," Jasper said.

"Alright," I agreed.

After agreeing on other sundry details, I went to tell Bella that I'd be going out of town for a few days. She had just gotten home from work and was making a snack for herself in the kitchen.

"Hey, so I'm going to go on a trip with Emmett and Jasper for a few days. They were begging me to come along with them since it has been such a long time since I went with them."

While I was telling her this, at first she froze, but then she loosened up and gave me a genuine smile. "That's great, Edward. When are you leaving?"

"Tomorrow."

She froze for a second again. She swallowed hard before responding. "I hope you have fun. Where are you guys going?"

"Montana."

"Montana!" she said in surprise.

"Yeah, it's actually a pretty good spot for hunting. The human population in Montana is pretty sparse and it's getting too cold to run into too many nature and wildlife enthusiasts. Emmett also has a hankering to do a prank. He seems to especially enjoy playing them on rural-types, his own kind, I suppose."

She laughed a little. "What kind of pranks?"

Emmett came walking into the kitchen then. "Oh, I've got some great stories for you, Bells. One time—"

I interrupted him. "Anyways, I just wanted to tell you I am going and also to not let my family try to convince you to do anything you don't like while I'm gone."

I heard Alice make an offended noise.

"Aw, our Bella is made of steel. She can take on those pansies any day. No one puts this girl into stilettos unless she wants to wear them," Emmett bragged, punching Bella very, very lightly on the arm.

Bella rubbed her arm a little. I guessed his punch was a little harder than he had intended. She seemed fine, however, and grinned at him. "Okay, you've got to tell me about these pranks."

What was it about Emmett that brought out the immaturity in everybody?

With no other encouragement needed, Emmett launched into a tale of the pranks he had pulled over the years. Other members of the family began to filter in to correct or add on to Emmett's narration. When I saw how often Bella smiled and laughed, I started to feel more relaxed about the trip. This would be good for us. Bella would be fine.


	16. Brothers

**I don't own _Twilight_ or any of its characters.**

Chapter Sixteen

We left before dawn. I had said my official goodbye to Bella the night before, but before I left, I left a note for her just inside her doorway.

_Remember, don't let them try and convince you to do anything you don't want to do. I don't want to come home to find you with a broken ankle due to the ridiculously steep high heels Alice managed to convince you to wear. _

_I'll see you in a few days._

_Be safe._

_Edward_

On the way to Montana, Emmett and Jasper argued over the music and I sat in the back, just looking out the window, watching the scenery go by.

"So, I was thinking about the prank. I think we should do lawn ornaments," Emmett said.

I smiled, knowing this would be good: the more ridiculous the prank, the better. Besides, anything to do with lawn ornaments couldn't be too destructive.

"Lawn ornaments?" Jasper asked incredulously. "That sounds sort of tame."

"Yeah, but it's going to be funny. We need to go to Wal-Mart or and get the cheesiest, crappiest lawn ornaments imaginable: gnomes, those geese people dress up, plastic flamingoes, wind mobiles, you know. Then, we're going to decorate people's lawns while they are asleep. When the wake up, they'll discover that their lawns have been invaded by tacky crap. It will be so funny." 1

Jasper and I laughed at this idea. It was truly ridiculous.

"How did you come up with this idea?" I asked.

"I don't know; it just kind of popped into my head."

"I'm in," Jasper said.

"Edward?" Emmett asked.

"Sure, it sounds funny."

"Awesome," Emmett crowed, at which Jasper and I laughed. His enthusiasm was definitely something I had missed while away.

We spent several hours hunting once we got to the park. I caught a mountain lion pretty quickly. I groaned as I bit into the flesh and felt the stream of hot blood pour down my throat. I drained the beast in less than a minute and then launched myself away to find another animal. I found a wolf next and killed him with what I had to admit was vindictive pleasure. Jasper, who had seen me catch the wolf, grinned at me knowingly.

Over the next 24 hours, we glutted ourselves with blood. By the time we stopped, I felt like an engorged tick.

We spent the rest of the dark hours sitting by the fire we made at the entrance to a cave, where the rain wouldn't douse it out. It felt good to let the heat penetrate my cold skin. The heat reminded me of what it was like holding Bella. I closed my eyes and tried to imagine what she was doing right now. It was 4 a.m., so she was in bed, asleep. I thought again about the night I spent beside her and how her skin felt next to mine, hot and yielding. I felt a rush of pleasure as I imagined her calling me into her bed again. I shivered with desire.

"Having a good dream?" Emmett asked wryly. Jasper snickered. I'm sure Jasper had let Emmett in on how I was feeling. Juveniles.

I opened my eyes slowly, frowned at my brothers, and changed the subject. "So, are we going to do the prank today?"

Emmett's eyes lit up with excitement. "Yeah, I say we rent a couple of cars and split up so that we don't deplete the stocks of one store and make anyone suspicious. We need to pay cash, by the way, so that nothing can be traced back to us. Then, we return the cars and we go to some small town and start the prank. Let's do the decorating when it's close to morning. Then, we wait to see what happens when they come out to get the morning paper." He cackled gleefully.

I didn't know which was funnier: the prank, or seeing Emmett's excitement over the intended mischief.

When it was light and business hours began, we drove to the nearest city where there was a car rental place. We split up as Emmett had suggested. I was going to focus on gnomes. Emmett was going to track down the plastic geese you dress up, and Jasper was going to get flamingoes.

I went to the Wal-Marts in Polson and Kalispell. It wasn't easy to find lawn ornaments since it was almost winter, but I found some ugly gnomes in the clearance section. In the end, I managed to find ten gnomes. I had a hard time keeping a straight face as the woman manning the register scanned them. Her thoughts were rather amusing. _What in the world does this young guy want with all these garden gnomes? It seems rather strange. People buy the weirdest things. I'll never forget my neighbor who bought that gold lamé blouse with the ruffles and then wore it with those spandex shorts. She was so proud of that outfit. Lordy, did she look at sight! Well, this boy better not be up to anything with these. I've heard that some kids like to smash these against people's houses and on sidewalks. I guess they get them from people's lawns, though. Maybe he broke somebody's and his parents are making him replace them._

I gave up and broke into a smile. "I'm playing a prank on my brother. He hates these things," I lied in explanation. She smiled back at me then, but thought, _It's funny when people try to explain their purchases to me, as if I care. _

My brothers and I met back up at the car rental place and then headed back to Glacier National Park to hunt some more until it was time for the prank. I wasn't really thirsty, but I hunted just to pass the time away.

Around four a.m., we drove to a small town and picked out some houses to decorate. Neither Emmett nor Jasper had found a whole lot of items, so we were going to stick to just doing two houses.

We parked the car at the top of a hill that looked over the last house we would do. When we were finished, we climbed back in and waited until someone came out.

At 7:30 a.m., a woman wearing a long pink bathrobe and slippers came shuffling out of the house. She leaned over to pick up the paper and then froze. She stood up slowly and looked around in awe. _What the hell?_ she thought. "Randy!" she called. A man, her husband I presumed, wearing only a tattered tank top and boxers came out when she yelled.

"What is it, Sue? Why are you yelling? You're going to wake the neighbors." Sue only responded by pointing one shaky finger at a plastic goose dressed in a Hawaiian print shirt and a straw hat.

"Look at the yard, Randy. Someone has filled it with . . . lawn decorations while we were sleeping.

He looked round the yard in disbelief. "Who in the world would do that?" He said this while laughing.

"I don't know. Should we call the police? Randy! Why are you laughing? I mean, what they did was trespassing. They could have done something bad! They could have been under the influence." She made this last conjecture in a low voice.

Randy looked at his wife skeptically. "Now, do you really think I'm going to call Roger down at the station and report that we are victims of trespassing and lawn decoration? No, Sue, he'd think I lost my mind, or that I'm playing a prank on him."

"You're right, but this is so absurd. Who would do such a thing?"

"I don't know, but whoever did this didn't mean us any harm; they were just having a bit of fun. Now, come on inside. I want to read that paper. You know, we should take a picture to send to the grandkids. I think they'd get a laugh over this."

As they walked inside, Randy gave one more disbelieving and amused look at our handiwork.

Meanwhile, my brothers and I were howling with laughter.

"That was great!" Emmett roared. "She wanted to call the police! Can you imagine them coming to investigate? Oh my God! I almost wished she had called them."

On the drive back to Forks, Emmett kept chortling about the prank, picturing the woman's face when she saw the goose. He imagined what would have happened if the couple had called the police.

Jasper's mind was pretty blank most of the ride, but every once in a while, he thought about Alice, sometimes about some about our other family members, and sometimes Bella. He thought about how different Bella was from when she first came to stay with us. She was almost a different person, more like she had been when we first knew her, but stronger somehow. He was impressed with her resilience. He wondered what we'd find when we got home.

"Are you expecting some great change in her?" I asked.

Jasper stiffened and then let out a sigh. "Shit. Emmett? I think we need to tell him, so that he knows what to expect."

Emmett grinned. He was much more confident about the outcome of whatever had happened at home while we were gone, and from his and Jasper's thoughts, I knew for certain that something _had_ happened while we were away, something they were in on.

"Okay, Edward, don't freak, alright?"

"Telling me that only makes me more worried, Emmett."

"Em, let me handle this, okay?" Jasper said.

"Fine," Emmett grumbled.

"We all decided that it was time to take a greater part in getting you and Bella back together." I inadvertently pressed my foot to the accelerator harder, but didn't say anything. I'd wait until I found out what this "greater part" was before losing it. "We all talked and decided to get you out if the way so that we could talk to Bella without you interfering as we knew you would."

I gritted my teeth and pressed the accelerator down farther. "Ah, so this little trip wasn't just about bonding," I said sarcastically. I knew they had been up to something.

"Well, it was, but only in part."

"And what did you all want to say to her that required my absence?"

"Well, I don't know what they said in the end, but I know the gist of what they were planning. I guess it all came down to the fact that you love her and always have."

Abruptly, I pulled over and slammed on the breaks.

"Jeez, Edward," Emmett mumbled. "So dramatic," he added when I growled at him.

I was so angry; I didn't know how to begin to express it. "Why the hell would you tell her that? She's not ready for that kind of information. Telling her is only going to make her hate me even more."

Jasper spoke calmly, "She doesn't hate you and nothing we tell her about you is going to make her feel that way."

"Jasper, the last time I hinted that I might have feelings for her, she demanded I let her get out of the car. She freaked out. She went stomping out into the rain while I sat there like a complete idiot. That was only two weeks ago!"

"That's why you guys fought?"

"Yeah, well, that was pretty much the extent of the fight."

"Edward, we're pretty sure she loves you, but is just conflicted and confused. We've all seen it. I've felt it. You just can't see it because you're too close."

I hung my head and took several breaths. "There is no possible way that she could love me after everything that has happened between us. I promised that I'd take care of her, that I'd keep her safe, and I broke that promise."

"Edward, you know as well as I do that Bella is one of the most forgiving people on this planet. Where she loves, she forgives wholeheartedly, and she loves you. Even if her love is merely platonic, which I sincerely doubt, she'll still forgive you. Anyways, hasn't she told you as much? The only person who hasn't forgiven you is yourself. That is all that is standing in your way on your side.

"On Bella's side, it's just the knowledge that you love her, the information about why you left, and the confidence that you will never leave again that she needs. We just wanted to fill in those first parts. She's ready for it. Your fight certainly helped prepare her, and had we known about it before, we would have felt even more confident that we are doing the right thing."

"How could you possibly think that?"

"Because there are other explanations for how she acted. Think about it. When you left her, it was probably baffling to her. She had no indication that you were going to bolt on her. Sure, you were distant after the party, but she must have thought that you'd be able to work it out somehow. But then you told her you didn't want her anymore. Remember? That was the only way you could make her let you go. She forgave you for that, and she moved on eventually, but her life recently turned to shit. She didn't blame you because your telling her you didn't care for her meant that you no longer had anything to do with what happened to her. According to her, none of what happened was your fault. If you didn't love her, why should you have stayed?

"But, think of how all that changes with the knowledge that you left her while still loving her. With that knowledge, your leaving seven years ago becomes all the more inconceivable, to her anyways. She doesn't understand your personal conflicts, your fear of changing her, of hurting her. Getting a glimpse of the truth has made her think that everything she has been through could have been avoided if you had just listened to her in the first place, if you had not been such a hard-headed idiot. Can't you see how that would make her feel? Can't you see why she might be angry for a little bit? If you had just stayed and worked through it with her, she could have avoided all that painful stuff she's had to deal with.

"But like I said, I'm sure that Bella loves you, and because of that, she is going to forgive you. Hell, I think she has already forgiven you. But, arguing about this now is pointless. You'll see when we get back. It's all going to work out."

"Yeah man, it's going to work out. You're not going to leave her again, so it's got to," Emmett agreed.

"There are still so many obstacles. The reasons I left her are still there. I could still hurt her or put her in danger, and I just can't change her."

Emmett scoffed at this, but Jasper agreed. "Yes, those obstacles are still there, but I think you're going to make the right choices this time. You've been doing your best to learn how to listen to Bella and to take her opinions into consideration, and that is going to make a big difference. Equality in partnership is important. You can't always be the big, bad guy, or the protector. Your relationship will never last if you are always on such unequal terms."

"You think that she's got to make the change for us to be together? I won't change her just so I can have her around for eternity. I won't be that selfish, not if it means taking her life."

"Yes, I think that she's going to need to change, not just for your relationship to work out, but for it to work out _well_. I don't think that Bella will ever be truly happy unless she is able to be your equal. Well, she'll be happy, but not completely. She'll never believe that there is any reason for you to stay with her when all you do is give, give, and give, and are constantly saving her, and when she can never reciprocate."

"She is my equal. She has saved me as much as I have saved her."

"You think of her as your equal in many ways, but you don't always treat her as such."

I started to interrupt him in order to justify myself, but he cut me off.

"You do it for a good reason, I know. It's your duty to help her and protect her the best you can, especially since life has treated her so cruelly, but you can't be that way forever. If she is never able to feel empowered around you, all that strength you see in her now will fade. Her love for you will be like the hopeless and helpless love of a child, the way it was when you were together before. She will never be able to catch up to your energy, your abilities, and your feelings. Don't you see how hard that would be for her?"

I felt utterly depressed at this. Was Jasper right? If I never changed Bella, would she be miserable with me? And how could I keep her in a relationship where she would be so unhappy? If I didn't change her, did that mean I'd have to leave her in hopes that she could find happiness again with someone who could be her equal? Oh God! If she loved me the way Jasper thought she did, she would be so unhappy if I left again. I almost got her killed the last time I left. I thought about the dangerous things she did after I left and groaned. And what if I left and she never found the happiness she deserved? What if she never met anyone who touched her heart? What if she was alone her whole life? How could I leave her to that?

My thoughts were swirling out of control. At first, Jasper let me feel the extent of my pain, but then he put a hand on me and gave me the strength I needed.

"Thanks, brother."

"It'll work out, Edward. Don't you remember Alice's vision?"

For the first time, the image from Alice's vision gave me hope, because it meant that I wouldn't have to leave Bella. If she were a vampire, wouldn't I be with her? At least, that was what I thought it meant.

Now that I was calm again, we continued our drive back to Forks.

We arrived around 7:30 that evening. By the time we arrived, I felt like I would explode. What could Bella possibly be thinking now that she knew how I felt about her?

While my brothers went inside to regale our other family members with the story of our triumphant prank, I stayed outside by the river and prepared myself for what was waiting for me inside.

I wasn't there for very long, though, when I heard the soft footsteps of somebody coming down the porch to meet me. Bella.

**A/N: 1 I actually did this to my friend. I bought a whole bunch of ugly garden gnomes on clearance and decorated outside her apartment while she was at work. It was so funny. I wanted to find flamingoes and geese too, but couldn't find them anywhere. Sad. **

**By the way, sorry this was so short. I had to cut it off here or else this chapter would be way, way too long. Besides, cliffhangers are fun. They make me feel deliciously evil. Mwahahaha! Cough, cough. Until next time...**


	17. Opening Up

**A/N: I don't own _Twilight_ or any of its characters.**

Chapter Seventeen

I turned my head away from the river and watched her as she approached. Her face looked so troubled, her eyebrows pulled towards each other, the usual crease between them. I stood up and faced her.

"Is it true?" she demanded, now standing close enough that waves of her body heat wafted out towards me.

"Is what true?"

"That you still loved me when you left all those years ago?" I took so long to answer that she asked again, "Is it true?"

"Yes," I told her simply. She looked so fierce, I was afraid to expound on my answer.

She twitched uncomfortably. "Do you still love me, then?"

"Yes."

She got a very determined look on her face and began to cross the ten steps between us. At first I thought she was going to hit me, or something; she looked almost angry in her determination. I leaned back from her. I didn't want her to hurt herself. Hitting me would be like slapping granite.

"Hold still," she demanded. When she was standing directly in front of me, she reached her hands up to my face. She stared into my eyes for one long moment, probably trying to gauge the sincerity of my expression. Suddenly, she began to pull my face towards her own, her eyes on my lips. I stopped breathing. Was she going to kiss me? Why? How could this possibly be happening? What had changed? How had she come to believe the truth that I really loved her, that I had never stopped loving her?

As my face came closer to hers, I felt a wild desire. It overcame all my doubts and fears. My lips met hers. Her kiss was not gentle; it was a hot, searing kiss: demanding and forceful, full of passion. The dam inside of me broke and I couldn't help but kiss her back as passionately as I could without hurting her. I twined my arms around her waist and pulled her closer to me, so that our bodies met inch for inch. She let go of my face only to wrap her arms around my neck. One of her hands ran through my hair, pulling my face closer to hers. Her tongue ran along my bottom lip. It was the sort of movement that should have stopped me from continuing this madness before I did something either of us might regret, but I couldn't bring myself to stop now. I couldn't grant her access to my mouth in case she ran her tongue across my teeth and sliced it open. However, there would be no danger in slipping my tongue into her mouth. Again, this was something I never would have done in the past. Once I let that kind of passion loose, I might not be able to restrain myself. French kissing was too close to other intimacies, to my other animalistic urges, but there was a haze covering my mind at the moment; it had been so long since I had been able to touch her like this. My body craved hers. From the moment her lips touched mine, I had been unable to focus on anything except drinking her in.

I copied her movement and ran my tongue across her lips. She opened her mouth with a gasp, dragging in the air she needed in order to continue the kiss. As I plunged my tongue into her mouth, I pulled her even closer to my body. One of her legs hitched up towards my waist in reaction, trying to allow our most intimate parts to connect. At first, I grabbed her thigh, intending on pulling it around my waist and allowing that progression, but then suddenly, the haze retreated and I pushed her leg down and pulled away from her, putting at least five feet between us.

Bella bent forward, clutching her stomach and breathing deeply. She looked like she was in danger of hyperventilating. When she looked up at me, her face was flushed, her eyes were dark, her pupils having dilated, but they were sparkling as well. I could hear her heart beating furiously in her chest. It's rhythm called to me.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I shouldn't have been so forward. I definitely got carried away. It's just been such a long time."

She laughed with dark amusement. "The only thing you should be apologizing for is for stopping. No, I'm sorry, too. I don't think you were the only one who got carried away there."

I smiled gently at her and returned to standing in front of her. Her breathing was still unsteady, but it was getting back to normal. I ran a finger along her cheek. "Not that I regret what just happened, but I'm not entirely sure how it came about. How is what happened possible? The last time I hinted that I still had feelings for you, you were so angry."

"Well, your family had some sort of intervention for me while you were away. Didn't they tell you? They all shared with me their view on what you have been through. Carlisle shared with me your struggles with who you are and the mistakes you've made. Esme told me about how you had always been one to sacrifice yourself for what you love. Alice told me about the visions she used to have about me getting hurt and dying at your hands. She also told me about all the things Jasper felt from you throughout our relationship: the love, the despair, the fear, and the torture. She told me more about how it feels to crave my blood and how hard that used to be for you and how Jasper felt your shame for craving it so desperately. Rosalie reminded me of what we she told me before, about how much both of you have always envied humanity, how both of you would give everything up just to be human again— to live, love, have children, and die.

"At first I couldn't believe what they told me, and I was a little angry, just like when you hinted at your feelings before, but as I thought it over and compared it with what I know about you, I came to understand. When I put it all together, I realized what you thought you were doing when you left me. You were trying to save me—my life, my happiness, my soul; you were trying to give me everything that had been taken away from you. You were trying to give me the world the best way you knew how.

"I cannot hate you or blame you for what you did, not really. Like I said, I was a little angry at first, but then when I realized how much you gave me, I forgave you. You gave me a chance to get to know Jacob, to make friends, to make my father happy the remainder of his life. He didn't have to lose me again, the way he did when my mom left him, and, as he would have if you had changed me back in high school. He always wanted me to be with Jake. Jake was like a son to him, and when I married him, dad got that son he always wanted.

"You allowed me to become a mother. I may have lost Laurel, but for five-and-a-half glorious months, I knew what it was like to carry life inside of me.

"In all this time, I have gained strength I never knew I had. How could I not love you for allowing me to gain all that?

"Edward, I have loved you all these years. The way I have loved you has been different at various points, but it has always been there. I have always been grateful for what you gave me. You were the first man to see me, to love me, to think I was beautiful, strong, and worthy of love. You taught me what it meant to love and what it meant to let go. You taught me what it means to be human, to have a soul. You may not believe it, but to me, you are the epitome of these things. You entire existence has been dedicated to love and sacrifice. How could it be possible that such a man could not have a soul? The truth is, you have an excess of soul, and you have poured that into me, Edward. You soul has become a part of mine. You are a part of my heart, a part of my being. You may not be alive in the typical sense of the word, but you are alive in me."

This was the longest speech I had ever heard her make and as she spoke these words, tears streamed down her face. I felt as if I could cry myself. My breathing came in sharp gasps and my eyes pricked in the strangest way. Bella was not a woman of many words, and this outpouring of words demonstrated the truthfulness of her message. She loved me, she always had! She forgave me! She understood!

For the second time in seven years, we kissed, and this time, I felt as breathless as she was.

When we pulled away from each other, she smiled at me shyly. "I have something I'd like to show you."

I followed her into the house and up to her room. From underneath her bed, she pulled out a small box. Inside the box was a collection of black and white composition notebooks. She sorted through the pile, pulling out a few in particular. With a few post-it notes, she marked some pages.

"Read these," she told me.

I joined her on the floor and took the books from her. They were journals. Most of the entries were short, some were school notes and doodles, but the entries she showed me were unsent letters addressed to me. I looked up to her in surprise, but she only looked back at me evenly. The first entry read March 10th.

_Dear Edward,_

_It still hurts to think, speak, or see your name, but I need to tell you something. I have a secret and I need to share it with you. I've been hearing your voice. _

_The hallucinations started in Port Angeles when I went out with Jessica to get Charlie off my back about my zombie-like behavior. I saw some men who reminded me of the guys you saved me from last year. Something about their menace drew me towards them. That's when I heard you. You told me to stop and turn around. I can only guess that it was some kind of wish fulfillment, or that I am literally crazy. Either way, after that, I started doing all kinds of dangerous things. At first it was so that I could break my promise to you that I wouldn't do anything reckless. After all, you broke your promise. You are everywhere and in everything. Just because you left, taking your family, your CD, and your pictures, doesn't mean that I will be able to forget you. But when your voice came to me again while I was riding the motorcycle Jake fixed up for me, I found something better than breaking my promise. Hearing your voice made the hole in my chest disappear, even if for just a moment._

_Today I jumped off a cliff with the pack in La Push just to hear your voice. Jacob didn't know I was doing it in order to hear you. He just thinks I'm an adrenaline junky or something. Anyways, while __we were gone, Harry Clearwater died. Charlie was so torn up about it. I realized that my dangerous past-times were wrong. How could I put myself in danger when Charlie still needed me?_

_Something else happened today. I almost kissed Jacob. I was so close to letting him kiss me, the way he has wanted to do for so long, but then your voice came to me again. You said, "Be happy." You were giving me your blessing, but it shocked me so much that I pulled away from Jake. He didn't try again. He knows that I don't feel that way about him and he tries to be understanding about it, but I'm starting to wonder if letting him love me wouldn't be so bad. I mean, he's so good and kind. He eases the ache in me, makes me feel more whole than anything else except hearing your voice. But, I always have to pay the price for hearing you. After it is over, the hole rips wide open again, making me feel everything afresh. Jacob doesn't tear at the hole. I sleep better after being with him. So wouldn't it be better for me to let him love me? _

_I haven't made up my mind about him yet. There's a part of me that wants to love him, too, but I'm afraid that if I do, I'll lose what I have left of you. The way I am now, my brokenness, is the only reminder I have that you existed. If I am healed, what will be left of you?_

I couldn't believe the words I read. Bella had auditory hallucinations while I was away? The guilt inside of me ripped afresh and I looked up at her with horror in my eyes. "Did they stop?" I asked.

She knew what I was referring to. "Yes, the one I had after jumping off the cliff was the last one I had. I stopped with the recklessness after that. It hurt like hell to not hear you, but it was for the best. If I had continued to hear you, I never would have been able to move on." I stared at her in amazement. "Keep reading," she encouraged me.

The second letter was from six months after the first one. It was very short.

_Dear Edward,_

_I'm going to let him in. I'm going to let him love me. I'm going to do my damndest to love him back. But, please don't leave me. Stay inside my heart. Be my secret._

Again, I looked up at her after finishing the short letter.

"It took awhile, but I did it. Keep reading." The next letter was from four years later.

_Dear Edward,_

_Today, Jacob asked me to marry him. We've been together for many years now and I love him as I promised myself I would do, and so I'm going to marry him. But, you're still here, Edward, and so I wonder if I am doing the right thing. I just don't know how to let you go completely; you're a part of me._

"Bella, God, I can't even tell you about how sorry I am."

"Edward, I didn't have you read these to make you feel worse. I just wanted to show you that I was telling you the truth when I told you that I didn't stop loving you either. I got really good at repressing it, but it was still there. In moments of clarity, like in these letters, I realized the truth about it all. I loved Jacob, but you were still a part of me."

I continued to sit there, stunned. Bella crawled closer to me. She knelt in front of me, and taking my face in her hands, she said with fervor and conviction, "I love you."

"Bella, I'll never forgive myself for leaving you. Think of all the time we could have had together. You wouldn't have had to go through so many trials if I had just stayed."

"Shh." She placed one finger on my lips. "There's no use in torturing yourself anymore. We are together now, and that is what matters."

I opened my mouth to make some return, but she cut me off again by replacing that finger back on my lips. "Edward, I want to you to listen carefully to me now. The best thing you can do is to be happy. There's no sense in flogging yourself over what is done. You need to be happy so that I can be happy. When you beat yourself up, it hurts me, so stop. I just want to be happy again, the way we were before all this mess started."

"Just one more question and then I'll be as happy as you want. Do you really, truly think you can be happy with me?"

She rolled her eyes. "It's the only way I can."

"You were happy with Jacob."

"I was, but that's not my life anymore. And like I said, it wasn't meant to be, not in this world. I'm yours now, for as long as you want me."

"I've wanted you since I first laid eyes on you. Granted, it was in a very different way, but I still desired you with my whole being. I want you now just as badly and I will always want you."

Her eyes had caught with mine as I spoke these words. Neither of us seemed to be able to look away. After a tense moment where electricity seemed to buzz and crackle between us, she took in a gasping breath and I realized that she had stopped breathing.

This sudden intake of air broke the tense moment. I wanted to maintain the connection, though, so placing one hand on each of her arms, I leaned forward and kissed her softly. I kissed down her cheek and chin and then leaned forward and breathed in her scent at the juncture between her neck and shoulder. Her heart began to pick up its pace. I could feel the heat of her blush. I placed one lingering kiss on that piece of skin. Her body relaxed into my hold on her. She literally seemed to melt into me. Wanting more, I pulled aside the neck of her shirt. I placed another kiss in the hollow of her collarbone and on the bone itself. Her breathing was heavy now.

I swallowed back the venom that had pooled in my mouth, and lay on the floor, pulling her with me. I hovered above her and pulled aside the neck of her shirt on the other side, and kissed the skin there, just as I had before. As I did this, one of my hands unerringly reached for the bottom hem of her shirt. Moving the flimsy fabric aside, I placed my hand on the hot skin at her waist. I felt like I would never stop wanting to touch her.

With this realization, I pulled away. I sat up and squeezed my eyes shut, trying to get a hold of my control. When I opened my eyes, Bella was still lying there, soft, silent, and willing. Her eyes were focused on me, dark and expectant. I stood up and went to the window and looked out at the rain that had started pouring.

"I'd forgotten how hard it is to be with you like that. I think it's gotten worse, actually. If it's at all possible, I think I want your body more than I used to. It doesn't really make any sense."

Behind me, Bella got up off the floor and came towards me. She placed one warm hand on my shoulder. I didn't turn for fear that I'd pull her into my arms and begin where we left off.

"I feel that way, too. I want you more than I used to, physically, I mean."

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder." I quoted.

"True. Or, for me at least, I've been with a man now. I'm not quite as intimidated by the whole prospect as I used to be."

I ground my teeth, remembering the nights Bella and Jacob had made love. My hand that had been on the windowsill gripped harder and the wood crumbled.

"Hey now," she remonstrated me. "Don't go all caveman on me."

I released my hand and let the pieces of wood fall to the floor and turned to face her. "I'm sorry. You're right. It was just so hard, seeing you with him, you loving him, and hearing you respond to him physically."

"Wait, you saw us together. When?"

"Well, I didn't actually see you with him in that way. I mostly just heard you together. I usually ran off when you made love."

"Edward, when did you come back to Forks?"

"A month before you lost the baby."

She was stunned for a second, but then laughed. "Are you telling me that you stood outside my house for a month?"

"Yes."

"Okay, that is kind of creepy."

I sighed, exasperated. "I suppose so, but I came because Alice thought you were in some kind of danger, but once I saw you again, I couldn't leave."

"So you stayed and watched me be happy with Jacob."

I nodded.

Her face became pitying and she wrapped her arms around me. "That must have been so hard."

"It was."

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For laughing at you and calling you creepy."

"It's okay."

We both were silent then, just holding each other, reveling in the fact that we could be together again.

**A/N: Finally! Okay, I was really nervous about this chapter because it has been building for so long and it's what you all have been waiting for so patiently (and a little impatiently, in some cases). Please let me know if you liked it/hated it! **


	18. An Understanding

**A/N: I don't own _Twilight_. I wish I did. No copyright infringement intended by this chapter or any others in this story.**

Chapter Eighteen

"You know, I think we should move to New England next; maybe Vermont, near the border of New York. I'd like to live near New York City again, but maybe not too close," Alice said one day as we were all sitting in the living room.

"Heavens no," Esme added, looking up from the set of plans she had been drawing for the improvements on Bella's house. "I don't think I could stand living in New York City more than once a century. Too many other vampires, and they're so territorial around there, all with their own boroughs."

"Remember that time we made the mistake of going into Queens?" Emmett asked Jasper.

Jasper grinned and pointed to a set of scars on his left arm. "I sure do."

Alice shuddered, but said, "They only have a problem with invaders if they think you're there to feed. They have no problem with shopping! But, you're right, Esme, we don't want to be too close; just close enough to make day and weekend trips now and then. What do you think, Bella?"

When the conversation started, Bella had begun fidgeting uncomfortably. When I had tried to catch her eye, she had kept her eyes averted. She swallowed now. "Um, I'm sure you'll like New England. I've never been, of course, but I've heard they have great. . . um, leaves," she finished lamely. Emmett snorted.

"But, you're coming, too, right?" Alice asked.

"Um," she looked at me. I didn't know what she'd want and I didn't want to influence her decision, so I maintained a blank face. No matter where she chose to be, I would be there as well. "I don't- I don't know." She swallowed again.

Alice shot me a dirty look. _Edward, you're supposed to tell her that you want her to come with us, but regardless, you're not going to leave her._ "Well, you've got to come. You're family now and we stick together," she encouraged Bella aloud.

"Yeah, it's the only way we'll be able to get Edward to come along," Emmett added.

Esme made a tisking noise. "We don't just want you so that Edward will come. We would genuinely like you to come with us. And think, a fresh start would be just the thing for you, darling."

"So, what do you think, Bella? Would you like to move with us to New England-close-to-New-York-City-but-not-too-close?" Carlisle asked, his tone joking but sincere at the same time.

"I don't know. I'll have to think about it," Bella hedged. I could tell from Jasper that she was uncomfortable. I assumed it was because all of our eyes were directed on her.

"What's even left to think about? You have nothing left here," Rosalie said somewhat sarcastically. Everyone but Bella and Emmett shot her a warning look, at which she rolled her eyes.

"Um, I just need to think about it, okay? I mean, it'd be kind of a big change and, well," she looked up at me, "I don't know. Although, you're right, Esme, it'd be nice to have a fresh start, but there are a lot of implications to my moving across the country. I'm not sure I can make that kind of decision in the spur of the moment."

"Of course not, sweetheart. Take as much time as you need to figure things out. I just hope you will take into consideration how much we love you and how much we would like to continue having you around." When she finished this, both she and Carlisle patted one of Bella's hands.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Alice give Esme a furtive wink and thumb's up. Although neither of them thought about it, I figured that this evening's conversation had been planned. Did they really think I was incapable of moving things ahead with Bella on my own? I fought back a sigh. Well, maybe they were right. My regrets made me more passive in some ways.

Later, when Bella and I retired to her room for the night (she had been letting me stay with her at night like she used to), I decided to renew the topic that had begun earlier that evening with my family.

"I don't want to be insensitive like Rosalie, but what _is_ holding you back in Forks?"

Bella let out a gusty sigh. "I don't know. It's just hard to leave a place you've been for a long time."

"Is that really all there is?"

She was silent for a little while, thinking it over. "No, I guess not. It just occurred to me that you would want to go with your family, that maybe you might change your mind about being with me. I honestly don't know what could keep you here. I haven't changed since you left. I'm still weak and human. When Rosalie talked to me, she told me that I ought to let you go, that I ought to try and convince you to go with your family when they leave. She thinks that I might be better off without you. I thought that, in your more anxious moments, you might think so, too. That's why you left, after all, to give me a human life. I knew that your family would have to leave eventually, although Rosalie told me it would have to be sooner rather than later. And if you decided to go with them, that would mean I'd have to say goodbye, and I don't want to say goodbye. I know Alice would like me to come and I guess Esme and some of the others, but I won't come if you don't want me."

"So that's what you've been so anxious about? That's what you've been keeping from me—that you don't want me to leave you?" I asked, disbelieving and amazed.

"Yes."

"Oh, Bella!" I hugged her. I was elated that this was all Rosalie had said that was making Bella anxious. There was such a simple resolution to these fears. "I'm not leaving you, I can't. If you want to stay in Forks, I'll stay in Forks. If you want to move with my family, I'll come along. If you want to move back to Arizona or to Florida so you can be closer to your mother, I'd come along there and hide all day just so I could be with you at night. You are my life, Bella. Sure, I love my family and I'd be sad to be away from them, but I'd survive. You're what is most important to me."

"You'd really stay in Forks?"

"Yes."

"But, you can never go anywhere!"

"That's okay."

"You're really not leaving me, no matter where I choose to be?"

"Never again." She lapsed into silence. "But, I still want to know why you'd want to stay here. Even you acknowledged that it might be good for you to start somewhere new."

"Yes, it's just that Laurel is here."

"You mean her grave?"

"Yes, I-I don't want to leave her," she said quietly.

"I understand, of course not. Not to belittle that, but is there anything else keeping you here?" I was thinking of Jacob, but I didn't know if she was as well.

"Well, this is the place I came alive. This is where I met you and fell in love with you and so I'd be sad about leaving that. But, I guess that as long as I am with you, that doesn't matter. You know, that's why I didn't leave after you did. I had to stay in the place you had been." She paused as if preparing to say something difficult. "And, then there's—"

"Yes?"

"Jacob. I worry about him, you know? I don't want to leave him when he could need me. I don't want to hurt him and I think he would be a little hurt if I left."

I wasn't sure how to respond to this at first. The first thing that came to my mind, that it wasn't his business anymore, would be the wrong thing to say no matter how true the statement was. I decided to just not say anything at all.

"I know what you want to say, that it isn't really his business anymore, but Jake and I are still connected in some way. I'm not really sure how to explain it. If I left, he'd have to finally, really let go of me, and I'd have to let go of him for good as well. That's hard to think about. Jake—well, he still has a part of my heart. I'm committed to you, but I can't forget him. I'm sorry if this hurts. I know it's wrong, but he was my life for a while. He saved me.

"It's kind of like Sam, Emily, and Leah," she continued to explain. "Both Emily and Leah are like soul mates to Sam, but one just eclipsed the other. That doesn't erase the guilt Sam feels, especially since Leah is alone. At least Jake and I both have someone else to care about and you return my affections, but does Olivia return Jake's? I don't know and I'm not sure if I could leave when he doesn't have that yet."

"I have a question for you, though. Even if Olivia doesn't care for Jacob, what could you do about it?"

"I don't know. You're right, but it's just hard for me to let go of taking care of somebody."

"You have one of the best, kindest hearts in the world."

She laughed a little. "No, you're right. There's not really anything I can do. I just feel unsettled somehow."

"Well, correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems like you've just got some unfinished business. You still need to say goodbye to Jacob and to Laurel. You know, you could still come back to visit both of them. It's not as if once you leave, you can never return."

She seemed to be unsure of this for some reason. "If I'm human," she amended.

Oh God! I thought. _If_ she's human! I spoke slowly. "Do you think you need to change, to become like me for us to be together, or do you just want to? Have you already made that choice?"

She squirmed a little uncomfortably. "I do think that I need to change for us to really be together. Otherwise, you'll always worry about me and I'll always feel helpless and like an outsider. And well, I don't want to leave you either, even to die. I want you forever. Changing me is the only way for our forevers to be the same.

"Also," she continued, "it's the only way we can ever be truly intimate, not just physically. As we are now, you always have to keep space between us to protect me, and I don't want that. If you were to hurt me, you'd leave again. Edward, I want to be owned by you body and soul and I want the same ownership on you. I want you to be mine."

"I am already yours."

"Maybe, but it doesn't feel like it, not yet. You're still holding back from me. I won't accept that anymore. If we're going to be together, we've got to be together as equals. If you can't promise that we'll be that way one day, we might as well end this now." I looked at her wide-eyed. Was this an ultimatum: change her or lose her?

I sat up then, got off the bed, and began pacing, tugging my hair as I walked. Why was she doing this to me? "So my only choices are to either damn you to hell, or let you leave me? I don't want to lose you, Bella, but I can't damn you."

"You wouldn't be damning me to hell."

"I don't have a soul, Bella. If I changed you, I'd be taking yours, and thus, damning you."

"This is obviously one area in which we will never agree. Neither of us can convince the other. Therefore, the only thing left is our choices. It all comes down to the question of whether you respect my right to choose, whether you believe I have the ability to make the right choices for myself."

I stopped pacing, stunned. Her eyes were fierce, determined. Was this really the heart of the matter? I forced my body to relax. "You are right. God, I'm such an idiot."

Her eyes softened. "No, you're just afraid. You've been so caught up in your own feelings, so determined that they were right that you didn't think what they might mean to me. I don't want to leave you, Edward. Even if you refused to change me, I wouldn't really. I'd find someone else to change me and then I'd follow you anywhere you went and try to prove to you that I made the right choice. But if I'm being honest, I want you to be the one to do it. I want you to make the same choice as I am—to be together forever."

I sat on the bed next to her and lay my forehead against hers. "You make it sound like a wedding ceremony."

"It would be, kind of. If you change me, you'll be agreeing to stay with me forever and I'll be doing the same thing as well."

"When you put it that way, it doesn't sound so bad." The thought of Bella in a beautiful white gown walking to meet me made my body feel warmer somehow. "Bella, if I were a human man, would you want to marry me?"

She gulped at first, but then thought about it. "Yes. If you were a human man, I'd want to do whatever I could to hold onto you. You know, it's kind of funny you asked that. I haven't always been very comfortable with the idea of marriage. Renee kind of ingrained it in me that no self-respecting woman would get married before 30."

"But you married Jacob."

"Yes. I have to admit that maybe my motives were not all pure at the time. Remember how in those letters I wrote you, I told you that I wanted you to stay inside of my heart? Well, by the time Jacob asked me to marry him, I kind of wanted you out. Loving you made it hard to feel like I was doing the right thing in being with Jacob. He never asked for more from me, but I always felt guilty. I thought that if I married him I'd come to love him more. It was stupid. I guess it kind of worked, though. I worked so hard to make Jake my world. I felt so responsible for him, like I had to take care of him, and part of that was making him believe that there was no one else. I think I did it credibly. I did love him, after all. I still love him. We weren't married for a very long time, but I didn't think about you much."

"You dreamed about me, though."

"Yeah, that was the one place I was never able to get rid of you. It's appropriate that you would only exist in my dreams. You've always seemed more like a figment of my imagination or an archetype from the collective unconscious than a real and tangible being."

I lay down beside her then. We were silent, kissing now and then, but mostly just staring at each other. When Bella got up to brush her teeth and have her "human moment," I stayed and thought about what we had talked about, particularly about why she thought I should change her. It was similar to what Jasper had told me on the way back from Montana, that Bella needed to be my equal in order to be happy with me. Bella believed that this equality was necessary for intimacy. Again, I could see her point. It was true that I had to guard myself every time I was around her so that I didn't unintentionally hurt her. This was especially true in the sex arena, but it was true in other areas as well. I hid much of my nature from her and withheld some of my feelings so as not to hurt or scare her. If she were to change, would I stop protecting her from my baser instincts, thoughts, and feelings? I couldn't answer that question.

Well, I thought as I heard her start walking back down the hall towards her room, I didn't have to make the decision that day. She'd give me time to sort through all my feelings and fears before I made my choice. I had a feeling about what that choice would be, but I needed to come to terms with it and analyze what all the repercussions of that choice would be.

Bella came back into the room, turned off the light, and climbed into bed beside me. Making sure she was covered with all the blankets, I wrapped my arms around her and breathed in her wet, warm, human scent. We continued our silence from before, but then I thought of something I had wanted to ask before, but was sidetracked before we could finish the discussion.

"There was something I wanted to say about the move. It sounds like to me that you need more closure with Jacob and Laurel. What would you say to going to visit Laurel soon and maybe seeing Jacob again?"

She thought this through before she answered. "I think I'd like to go see Laurel, yes. I have to admit, I'm a little nervous about Jake. I think that I'm going to need a little more time to think about that one and also to see how things go for him."

"Of course. When would you like to go see Laurel?"

"I'm not sure. It kind of depends on the weather. I don't particularly want to go sit on the ground when it is both freezing cold and raining. Maybe I could go when there's a day without rain or snow."

"Would you like one of us to go with you?"

"Maybe you could take me, but I think I want to talk to Laurel alone."

I kissed her forehead in assent and she nuzzled closer to me, getting ready for sleep.

~oOo~

It rained for the next two weeks straight, so Bella didn't get a chance to visit Laurel's grave. She didn't bring up visiting Jacob again either. She did talk about the possibility of moving, though.

"I was thinking—"

"Oh you were, were you? How novel!"

"Shut up, you! I was thinking that if I come with your family to Vermont or wherever, I want to have my own place. I mean, I love being with you guys, but it's a little awkward at times. I'm human and do human things and all of you have super vampire hearing. It's a little uncomfortable. I think I'd like to have some more privacy. Besides, we've only been together for around a month and we're already living together! It's scandalous!" I rolled my eyes at her. "But seriously, what do you think about me getting my own place?"

I wanted to be supportive and I liked the idea of more privacy, so I said, "I think it's a great idea."

"You do?" she asked excitedly.

"I do. I think everyone else will, too. Imagine the shopping opportunities it would provide Alice. You'll need a whole new wardrobe to go with your new place. And Esme will be eager to remodel whatever you pick so that it's unrecognizable as the same place you originally chose," I teased.

Bella made a disapproving grunt.

Bella seemed to have other changes in mind for this move. She started looking at graduate programs in Vermont.

"Are you thinking about going back to school?" I asked her while peering over her shoulder at a website for a small college in Vermont.

"I was thinking about what Esme said about fresh starts. I was thinking about maybe getting my master's degree in education. I think I'd like to be an English or Language Arts teacher."

"You would certainly be able to instill in them a love of reading."

"I don't know about that, but I might enjoy it. Helping kids find good books to read is one of my favorite things about working at the library. I am always trying to get them to add some children's classics to their piles of _Percy Jackson_1, or whatever. I think it might be fun to try and get kids excited about reading at school."

Would you want to start this next fall?"

She looked down at her hands. "I'm not sure. I wasn't thinking about doing this until . . . after."

"After what?"

"You know," she said, totally unhelpful.

"Ah, after you change, you mean?"

"Well, if that's what you decide."

"You know, Bella, it will be awfully hard to go to school for the year after your change. That first year is rough. The thirst is pretty much all you can think about. Nothing else seems to matter quite as much as sating it. It will be very hard to be around humans. The first year is when the most mistakes happen." 2

"Really? Oh, I didn't realize that."

"There are a lot of things you'll want to learn and think about before you make your choice. I know that you think this is something you have to do so that we can be happy together, but you should take it very seriously. You don't want to be precipitous about this."

She was thoughtful after I told her this. "Is the thirst really all you can think about?"

"It usually gets better after a year or two. It's different for everybody." She nodded, but kept her eyes down, still thinking. "I really don't know what it would be like for you. If you make the change, you'll be the only vampire I know who will know why you are what you are. You'll be the only one who has thought about living differently from other vampires before the change. However, it is very hard to think rationally during those initial years. It's not just the thirst that is different. All your instincts are different. It's hard to explain."

"Will I still be me, though?"

"Yes, you'll still be Bella, just a little more disorganized and irrational for a bit, not to mention more durable. After you pass that first year, maybe sooner, maybe later, you'll come back to yourself, though."

"It could take more than a year? Does it ever take two?"

"Like I said, it's different for everyone. I really can't guess what it would be like for you. That's why I was wondering if maybe you'd want to finish school first."

She looked at me skeptically. "You just want to delay me, don't you?"

"Maybe I do." I smiled. "But I want you to be sure more than anything."

"I am sure. But, Edward, if I wait until I'm done with school, I could be 28 or 29 when I finish. That's almost 30! I'd almost be old enough to be your mother!"

"Hardly."

"Girls have babies at 13. Maybe not too many, but at 14 and 15 they do."

"That doesn't matter to me. Will it matter to you? Of course, if I'm too young for you, you don't have to stay with me. I'd understand if you'd want to leave me and look for someone closer to your age."

She made a frustrated noise. "Edward, I don't want to wait for three years. I'll accept that I need some time to learn about your kind and what will happen when I change, but I don't want to wait so long. When the right time comes, I won't wait anymore, and you'll have to make your decision at that point."

"Bella!" Alice trilled as she danced in the room, interrupting our conversation, not that there was much more to say at this point. "It's going to be dry tomorrow! You can just take a tarp to the cemetery to sit on and you'll stay perfectly dry."

Bella looked up at me with fear and pain in her eyes. It was time to visit Laurel and maybe time to begin saying goodbye.

**A/N: References**

**1 **_**Percy Jackson and the Olympians**_ **by Rick Riordan is a popular children's/Y.A. book series in the U.S.**

**2 ****There were lots of references to conversations had between Edward and Bella in **_**New Moon**_** and **_**Eclipse**_**. I don't feel like looking up page numbers. **


	19. Mothers

**I don't own Twilight.**

Chapter Nineteen

Bella was awake much of the night, tossing and turning. She didn't shed any tears, but it was clear that her agitation was profound. I did my best to comfort her, but she was almost past the ability to be comforted.

When morning dawned, cold but dry, she silently left her bed to go to the restroom and change into her day clothes. When she came out, she sat on the bed. I gazed at her, trying to ascertain what was going on in her mind just by looking at her. She looked . . . haggard. There really was no other word for it. Her face was pale and drawn. Her mouth was set in a straight line. This, I thought, was the mask of mourning. It had settled on her face like a dark cloud.

When I stroked her hair, trying to break her melancholy, she looked up at me. At first it seemed like she wasn't even looking at me. Her eyes were focused as if looking at something very far away.

"Are you sure you want to do this today?" I asked her.

"Yes." Her voice cracked as she spoke.

I didn't say anything more. I only stroked her hair over and over.

Finally, her wooden expression broke a little and she focused her eyes on me. She must have seen the tenderness in my eyes, because she stroked my face and then laid her head on my chest. I put one hand on her face and wished I could shield her from this grief with my body. I felt so powerless in the face of it, just as I always had.

"Are you ready?" I asked. She merely nodded against me. "Would you like to eat before we go?" She shook her head. "Okay, shall we go, then?" Again, she nodded. This time, she removed her head from the safety of my body and began to stand. I took her hand and together we walked slowly down the stairs and towards the front door.

Esme was the only one downstairs when we got there. She didn't say anything. She only put her arms around Bella and held her for a few minutes. When she let go, she said, "Be gentle to yourself and be brave. I'll be here if you need me when you get back."

Bella nodded and then turned to face the door to the garage. I took her hand again and led her to the car.

We spent the drive in absolute silence. I continued to hold her hand throughout the journey. This handholding somehow seemed so different from other times. Instead of meeting my hand palm to palm like an adult, she held my thumb like a child. She held tightly, as if my thumb was the only thing that kept her afloat. As I stroked the back of her hand and sat next to her in this melancholy silence, I felt such a surge of aching tenderness, I was sure something inside me must have been broken as a result.

When we got to the cemetery, she put her hand on the door handle, but didn't open the door immediately. "Stay here and wait for me," she whispered. It seemed to take all her energy just to say that much.

I nodded, but she didn't see me. She had already opened the door and had swung her legs out. She paused there and then put her legs back in the car. She turned to face me and then wrapped her arms around me. She hugged me fiercely for a moment, but then let go and got out of the car, taking the tarp to sit on with her.

I watched her stooped figure walk into the cemetery. Her figure got smaller and smaller, though it was still perfectly clear. When she got to the site of Laurel's grave, she placed the tarp on the ground and sat down. I couldn't see her any longer.

She wasn't gone for very long, fifteen minutes at the most. When she walked back to the car, she walked quicker than she had when she had walked to the grave. I looked at her face carefully. Her face was still wearing that sad, sad look. I furrowed my brow in concern.

I got out of the car and opened the door for her, but when she reached me, instead of getting in the car, she pulled me in for another embrace. Her entire body was shaking. Like the night before, no tears came; she merely held onto me and shook.

"Let me help you into the car and then I'll hold you again." She nodded.

This time, I opened the door to the backseat. She crawled in and slid over towards the middle. After I got in the car and shut the door, I pulled her in my arms again. She was still shaking.

"Shall I turn on the heat?" I asked. She nodded. I leaned forward between the front seats, twisted the key in the ignition, adjusted the heat, and then returned to holding her.

We sat there for almost forty-five minutes before her shaking slowed.

"Can we go home now?" she asked in a quiet voice.

"Yes. Would you like to stay back here or move up to the front?" She answered by clinging onto my hand with one of hers and reaching towards the door handle with the other.

Again, I walked her to the front door and opened it for her. When she was settled in the seat, she looked up at me and gave me the tiniest smile I had ever seen. I smiled back, trying to convey with it all the love and admiration I felt for her. She responded by touching my hand closest to her.

When we returned home, Esme was there as she had promised she would be. Jasper, Alice, Carlisle, and Esme were sitting silently in the living room, all looking grave.

Esme patted Bella on the shoulder warmly. "How did it go?"

Bella had to clear her throat before answering. "It was hard, but I'm glad I did it. I don't think it will be so hard next time."

"I think you're probably right." She hugged Bella then. "I think you were so brave to go." Bella gave her a brief smile. "I made you some brunch if you're interested. You can always save it for later, though I think that you should eat even if you don't feel like it. Carlisle explained to me how important it is for humans to eat, drink plenty of fluids, and rest when they've been through something hard; otherwise it becomes easy to forget and they end up neglecting and harming their bodies. So, how about it? How about some nice, warm food and then getting some rest? It doesn't look like you slept too much last night."

"Okay, I'll try to eat something."

She followed Esme into the kitchen, maintaining her grip on my thumb all the while. Esme had made muffins, but she also began making an omelet. Bella ate some of both and drank some juice.

After pushing away from the table and rinsing her dishes, Bella started to go upstairs, pulling me with her again. She changed back into pajamas in the bathroom and when she returned, crawled in bed. Once I was lying beside her, I wrapped her up in blankets to prevent her from getting too cold with me next to her and then held her as tightly as I could without making her uncomfortable.

She continued to lay awake for a while, but eventually, her body began to relax and she fell asleep.

~oOo~

Over the week that followed, we didn't discuss her visit to the grave, Jacob, nor the possible move, but after that short period of grieving again for her losses, Bella's affect gradually brightened and the haunted look left her eyes. Despite her improvement in mood, I was sure that there were many things on her mind. Sometimes I asked her what she was thinking about, but most of the time, I left her to think on her own.

I, too, had many things to think about, her transformation being the foremost on my mind. It was true that changing Bella would be the simplest way to resolve many of the difficulties between us, but I hated to think that what pushed me over the edge would be about convenience or selfishness. I didn't want to change her just to make things simpler for myself, or even my family. However, her demand that I respect her choices carried significant weight. In the past, I had always made decisions for the two of us, and I always thought that by doing so, I was protecting her from her worst enemy, herself. But perhaps there was more to it from her perspective. To Bella, the product of the feminist movements, a man who tried to control or limit her choices, for whatever reason, was overstepping his rights. I used to think that my age and experience meant that I wasn't influenced by the eras that I lived through, that I was able to transcend historically-bound and arbitrary cultural values, and that this made me more rational, more objective. But perhaps I _was_ a product of my time as a human, when men were considered to be the stewards of women and children, responsible for their wellbeing and for giving them a voice in the world. Perhaps I protected Bella out of my masculine heritage, rather than anything I had rightfully gained by my own work and virtues since.

Trying to think about this by myself didn't seem to help. The only conclusion I came to was that I needed to work this out in order to deserve Bella's regard and the sacrifices she made to be with me. I decided to talk to someone about this, someone who might not only understand my experience as a vampire and also had to constantly guard their desires, but someone who came from a time when women lacked a voice. I decided on Esme because these things were true for her just as they were for me, but she was also a woman and would be able to give me a woman's perspective on the issue.

I found her in Carlisle's office, hanging a new painting she had found for him. "Esme," I said as I walked in the room. She looked up from what she was doing and gave me a bright and warm smile. "I was wondering if I could have a word with you."

"Of course."

I sat down in the chair behind Carlisle's desk and fiddled with a glass paperweight. When I sighed but didn't immediately explain my reason for coming to see her, she propped the painting against the wall and came to stand behind me. She placed a hand on my shoulder.

"What is it, Edward? Is Bella all right?"

"Yes, she's all right. I was just thinking about something, and I wanted to talk to you about it." I paused and looked up at her. She nodded and I continued. "You know how Bella wants to be one of us?" She nodded again. I didn't know how to proceed from there. Well, I did, but a heavier question weighed on my mind. I switched my approach. "Do you think I'm sexist?"

Esme laughed a little, but when she saw that I was serious, she stopped smiling. "Why would you think that, Edward? You are very kind to women."

"I'm kind, but that doesn't mean that I don't have antiquated ideas about women."

"Like what?"

"Well, I guess just that it is my duty to protect them from harm."

"Why would you think that is sexist?"

"Well, it may not be sexist to want to do nice things for people—open doors for them or buy them dinner, and be willing to help them when they are in need—or protect them—but it is to think that these things should be done for a woman simply because she is a woman. You remember how some of those second-wave feminists during the sixties and seventies and even later felt about chivalry. They saw it as a sign that men believed they were weak, frail, and unable to do anything for themselves, rather than a demonstration of kindness and respect. And they thought that for a good reason. That's the origin of chivalry, right? From our time, anyway."

"Do you do those things for Bella, your sisters, and me because you think we are weak and unable to do things for ourselves?"

"Well, maybe not you, Rosalie, or Alice, but maybe Bella thinks I do. She thinks that my not wanting to change her has to do with whether I respect her right to choose and know what is best for her."

"Does that ring true to you?"

"That's why I wanted to talk to you. I've always been convinced that the reasons I won't change her have to do with her soul and taking away all the opportunities she'd miss, like having children and grandchildren. But maybe she is right and there is more behind my motivations than those thoughts. I've always thought that I knew what was best for us, but maybe I've been wrong. Look how I handled things when Jasper tried to attack her. I made a unilateral decision and it almost killed her. Maybe leaving was right in a way, in that it allowed her to have a life, but it was also horribly, horribly wrong. I thought that I had to make the decision without consulting her because, as the more powerful and dangerous being, I had to protect her. Don't most human men think the same way? They think that, because they are often physically stronger than women and have more power in the world, that they have to protect women. It is true that with great power comes great responsibility, but is it possible to take that responsibility too far, to tune out the voices and opinions of others? Have I done that to Bella? Is my sense of duty really mistaken self-righteousness? After all, has she ever shown herself to be unable to make good or wise decisions for herself?"

Esme was silent and thoughtful. Finally she spoke. "On the one hand, I think that you are wrong to be so harsh with yourself. You have only done what you thought was best." I opened my mouth to interrupt her, but she silenced me by holding up one finger. "However, I also think that it is good that you are questioning yourself about this. That is what makes you different, Edward. You may have been controlling in the past in order to protect Bella, but your desire to overcome your faults is even greater, especially since you have known her. I have watched both of your brothers and Carlisle learn how to truly respect women, not as stewards, but as equals, and now you're doing that. So, I guess my answer to your question is that maybe you have old-fashioned ideas or habits, but you're questioning them now. I think that it is admirable that you want to understand all your motivations for protecting Bella. I also think that it is admirable that you want to learn how to respect her choices, not just because she is a woman and you don't want to be overbearing, but because she has a right to make her own choices, whether they be wise or not."

I let out a gust of air, processing everything she had said. She looked at me fondly. Her eyes not only held tenderness, but something else, some remembrance. " Edward," she said, taking my face in her hands, "you're not a monster."

I rested my head against her breastbone. "Thanks, mom." When I pulled away, she smiled at me. "All right, go be with your Bella." I returned her smile and left the office.

As I walked down the hall, I crossed paths with Alice and Jasper. Alice bounded up to me and gave me a knowing smile and a kiss on the cheek. Jasper gave me a thumb's up. I smiled and shook my head.

When I got downstairs, Bella was just returning from work. She hung up her coat and came over to greet me. "Hi," I told her as I kissed her. "How was work?"

"It was kind of boring today. We didn't get too many patrons."

"That's too bad."

"Yeah. Hey, is Rosalie here? I wanted to talk to her."

Uh-oh. What was this all about? "Yeah, she's in the garage adding special features to the car she bought."

"I'm going to change and then see if I could talk to her."

"Okay. Do I need to make everyone else sparse so you can have privacy with her?"

Bella blushed. Why? "Um, God, this is so embarrassing." I looked at her questioningly. "The thing I wanted to talk to her about, well, it's kind of embarrassing."

"So, do you want us to leave?"

"I'm not going to kick you all out of your own house! I'll just see if she wants to go for a drive again. Not that it will do any good. You'll just hear from her thoughts what we talked about and she'll tell Emmett. Alice probably already knows." I heard Alice tinkle a laugh upstairs. "And I'm sure she'll tell Jasper. The only ones who won't know what I've spoken to Rosalie about are Carlisle and Esme, and they're probably the only ones I wouldn't be embarrassed if they knew." She made an exasperated noise. "Sometimes your family drives me crazy."

I laughed a little at her frustration. It was very understandable. Secrets were hard to keep in this house. "You could always ask Rosalie to guard her thoughts and not share what you talk about with Emmett and do the same for Alice. Alice is guarding her thoughts from me as we speak and she hasn't told Jasper yet." I heard another laugh from Alice and a "What?" from Jasper.

Emmett and Rosalie were also reacting to our conversation. Rosalie was wondering what on earth Bella would want to talk to her about and Emmett was trying to extract a promise from her that she'd tell him whatever Bella and she spoke about.

The only ones who weren't paying attention, or at least trying not to pay attention, were Esme and Carlisle. Like Rosalie, they wondered what this was all about, but they were trying to let it go and pretend that they didn't know anything about Bella's intended conversation with Rosalie.

Rosalie wrestled her way out of Emmett's hold on her (he was still trying to get her to agree to telling him what Bella was so embarrassed about when she got home) and came into the house. She approached Bella and me. "Would you like to go for a drive again?" I could tell from her thoughts that she was flattered that Bella wanted to come to her, and that this was why she had resisted Emmett's attempt at coercion.

Bella blushed again and nodded. "Let me just go change, grab a snack, and then we can go."

"All right." Rosalie smiled at Bella.

When Bella went upstairs, Rosalie looked at me and thought, _what do you think this is all about?_ I shrugged. I had no idea; although based on Alice's laughter, it was obviously amusing.

After Rosalie and Bella left for their private conversation, I went over to my piano in order to distract myself. Alice was still sniggering occasionally and it was very annoying, so I definitely needed to find something to occupy my mind and hands.

When Rosalie and Bella got back close to an hour later, Bella was thoughtful but Rosalie was kind of amused. She was doing her best to guard her thoughts, but one word slipped out that clued me into what they had been talking about—sex.

**A/N: Uh-oh! I know everyone is going to be dying to know what Bella and Rosalie talked about this time, but you'll have to wait for the alternative points of view in the outtakes I'll publish after I finish this story to know what they said word-for-word. Don't worry, though. This isn't the last time the topic of sex will come up. Some of Rosalie and Bella's conversation will be revealed in the next couple of chapters.**


	20. Olivia

**A/N: I am so, so, so sorry it has taken me this long to update. My life has been absolutely insane over the last few months. I blame the Tea Party. I know most of you don't know what I'm talking about. Tea party? What tea party? Is she blathering on about _Alice in Wonderland_ again? No, my fine friends, the Tea Party is an über-conservative political movement in the U.S. for which it is very convenient to blame all the troubles in the world. Does your cat have a cold? Have you recently had an unexplained house fire? Did your car run out of gas on the way to school/work/home? Blame the Tea Party! I don't own _Twilight_. (I blame the Tea Party).**

_**(Read in a deep, male voice) And now previously on The Darkest Hour for all of you who have forgotten: Bella visits Laurel's grave, Edward thinks about feminism, and Bella and Rosalie go have a talk about the birds and the bees (ooooh).**_

Chapter Twenty

Knowing that Bella was thinking about sex made things a little more complicated for me. It was hard balancing listening her, respecting her choices and desires and protecting her from real danger. From the little physical contact between us, I knew how hard it was to be with Bella in that way. When I was holding her, kissing her, it was very hard to think. The whole world, all the thoughts of others faded away and she became all there was in the world. All I could focus on was her warmth, her softness, and her smell. It seemed that the more intimate and physical we were, the more I burned for her, literally and physically. There was usually a moment when we were together when I started to feel the loss of control. It was usually when our tongues started caressing and she pulled herself closer to me and ran her hands up or down my chest or back. This was usually when I had to pull away. These moments seemed to be occurring more and more often, though, and so I wondered if I should pull back a little more, be a little more guarded. I knew that by doing this, I'd only strengthen Bella's conviction that she needed to change for us to really be together. Either that or I'd just make her feel bad, like I didn't want her or something. I didn't know what to do.

Since I returned to Forks, it seemed like I was always at a loss. I was either overwhelmed and bewildered by Bella's grief, ashamed to the point of passivity, or wrestling with my own demons and coming up short in the battle. It seemed like I needed more from others now, especially my family. The more they helped me, whether by forcing me to come back, helping me help Bella, giving me advice or a sound reprimand, the more grateful I was to them and their individual strengths. It seemed that I'd have to turn to one of them in this matter as well. After all, I didn't know much about sex. I mean, I knew about sex, but I had never actually experienced it. I didn't know what it would be like, especially with Bella. It was already a complicated matter, and it would only get more complicated if I didn't arm myself with every bit of knowledge and preparation.

So just as Bella had done, I found myself turning to a family member. Rather than going to Rosalie, though, I went to Carlisle who had been my trusted advisor since he created me and I realized what kind of man he was.1 I found him in Esme's office, talking quietly with her. Both of my parents heard me approach the door and Emse called me in.

"Carlisle, I was wondering if you wanted to go hunting with me this afternoon." Carlisle knew me well, and so knew that my pretense of hunting meant that I wanted to have a serious discussion with him away from my other family members' listening ears. He furrowed his brow, his concern evident, but nodded in agreement.

"Sure thing. When would you like to leave?"

"As soon as possible. I don't want to be gone long. Bella is usually home by 5:30."

"Okay then, let's go." He stood up and kissed Esme briefly on the lips, caressed the back of her hair and followed me out the door.

We ran instead of driving. As we ran, Carlisle asked, "What's going on, Edward? Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, I just wanted to get your opinion and knowledge on a particular subject. Due to its sensitive and personal nature, I didn't want to discuss it around the others."

"What is it?"

"Well, you know how Bella wanted to talk to Rosalie the other night?"

"Yes. Has Bella or Rosalie told you what they spoke about?"

"Well, sort of. Rosalie only thought one word about it, but it was enough to clue me in."

"Are you sure Bella would want me to be privy to her conversation?"

"Well, she did say that she wouldn't be as embarrassed about it with you or Esme, but really, it's of such a nature that I need to talk to you so that I can prepare myself for whatever Bella has in her head." Carlisle's curiosity peaked. In his head, he thought again, _what is it?_

"Well, sex, actually."

He froze for a fraction of a second before catching back up with my quick pace. "Ah, and you're worried about what it might mean for you that she is thinking about it?"

"Yes, well things have been a little more heated between the two of us since we got back together. I've tried slowing it down a little, but she, well, she—"

"Has different ideas about the subject," he finished for me.

"Yes. She doesn't really push it too much, but I can tell that she's thinking about it. I'm worried that whatever Rosalie told her might make her more insistent. It seems like she's gotten more physical since she had that talk, but I don't know if it is because of what Rosalie had to say on the subject or because she is reacting to my distance. And it's really hard rejecting her like that. I mean, I want to be with her so much, but I'm afraid that I'll hurt her, lose control. It's so hard to think when I'm with her like that."

"It's not out of the realm of possibility that you would lose control. Tanya, Kate, and Irina's experiences certainly act as cautionary tales. They weren't always able to control the bloodlust when they mated with human men in their earlier years. Their experiences clearly demonstrate the link between food and sex."

"Do you think that will be a problem for me as well, that I'll want to feed from her if I—"

Carlisle's face was grave. "Like I said before, it's not out of the realm of possibility. Do you not still thirst for her?" I nodded my head, sorely ashamed at the truth. "I think that you are right to stop any physical relationship between the two of you at this point. Until you're able to completely control your desire for her blood, you will probably not be able to have physical relations with her while she is still human. As far as the other harm that could come to her, that, I believe, will be easier to control. It will merely take a lot of focus. You'll have to learn how to keep that focus while you're with her."

"You said 'will.' Do you think it is a possibility for us, then, if I am able to overcome my thirst for her blood?"

"Yes, I know you, and I know that you will be able to overcome your bloodlust given the right experiences, the proper attitude, and the will to overcome. Think back on your early years with me. You were so wild, so thirsty, and yet you demonstrated time and again how strong you were."

"Until I became a vigilante," I added.

Carlisle chuckled. "Yes, well, even in that, you showed remarkable restraint, and truthfully, your heart wasn't in it. You knew what you were doing was wrong, and so you returned and gave up the blood without looking back. After your newborn years and until Bella, you didn't struggle much at all being around humans. And after Bella, it has only been _her_ blood that has tempted you."

"You said that the right experiences would help me overcome my desires. What kind of experiences do you mean?"

"Well, as you know, it has been working as a doctor and being around blood all the time that has cured me of my thirst. I merely became accustomed to it. You, too, have become more accustomed to Bella. Your thirst is much more bearable now that you have her smell near you all the time."

"So, it'd be a matter of getting used to. . . being with her? But you also said that it is right for me to not indulge in too much physical intimacy with Bella because of the danger it imposes."

"It's a difficult conundrum for sure. I'm afraid to advise you in either way. Really, I think that the best thing you could do is to talk it through with Bella, make sure she understands the difficulties, hear out her response, take into consideration her thoughts and feelings, and make a decision together. I think that no matter what you decide to do together, you'll find way to be happy together. I also think that you might bring Alice into the equation. She already knows what Bella has on her mind, and she very well might be able to see the outcome of any decision you and Bella make.2 But talking to Bella is really the most important thing. That would definitely be the next step in learning how to treat her as an equal. Esme told me about your conversation, by the way. I'm very proud of you, Edward."

I smiled crookedly at him. "I know I need to talk to her. I just don't know how to bring it up. I don't want to embarrass her."

"I imagine that if she continues to push your boundaries, the conversation may come up naturally."

As we approached the house at six p.m., we heard the whole family standing around the living room, talking, some of their voices worried and tense.

"If she chooses not to forgive him, we have a random human with no obligation or bind out there who knows the truth about us. That puts our entire family at risk. Jacob has broken the treaty before and he has done it again without making sure it is safe. Since she is not under any obligation by treaty, she could tell the truth to anyone and expose us, perhaps bringing the Volturi down on us."

Carlisle and I looked at each other, both of us worried about what Jasper was saying. What had happened while we were away? I assumed that Jacob had told Olivia about us. Clearly, Jasper was worried about what this disclosure would mean for our family.

"Jasper, we can talk to her and explain that she must keep the secret at all cost, even if she is not Jacob's mate and therefore under the bind of the treaty. I imagine that she'll understand. "

"Besides," Bella added, "you can't start a war with the pack. I won't let you." Jasper quirked an eyebrow at her, but she went on. "As Esme said, we'll, or I'll, explain the situation to Olivia. If anything, she'll understand the dangers of exposing your family, what it means for the pack anyway."

"Wait," Carlisle said as came to a stop in the room with everybody in it. "What has happened? Jacob has told someone about us?"

"His girlfriend," Emmett explained and rolled his eyes.

"She may not be his girlfriend, Emmett. There lies the problem."

"Okay, so Jacob told his imprint the truth about our family and now she is coming here, or are we paying her a visit?" Carlisle tried to piece together the facts.

Several people opened their mouths to explain, but Bella stood up, held up her hands to stop them and looked at Carlisle. "From what Jacob said, he took Olivia to a counsel meeting where they were introducing the newest pack member to the legends. After the meeting, Jacob told her that they were true. He also told her more about me. We met on the beach a while back and she could tell there was something between us. He couldn't tell her at that point because it would require the truth, something he wasn't ready to share with her yet. Anyway, he told her about our history together and about my history with your family and what happened the day I lost Laurel. He said that she was really upset, only not about what he thought she would be upset about, the existence of vampires and shape shifters and all that, but that Jacob left me for her. She wanted to come talk to me and hear my side of the story straight from me. So I don't think we need to worry about how she's going to handle the truth about your family."

Jasper opened his mouth to say something else, but Carlisle stopped him just as Bella had done. "Bella is right. It doesn't sound like we are in any danger from this girl revealing our secret. She probably knows what an honor it was to be invited to a tribe counsel meeting and to hear their histories. I'm sure Jacob told her about the treaty as well. As Esme and Bella said, we can reinforce that necessity, but I think that we'll be okay. Jacob did nothing wrong. He was only telling her the truth so that she could decide whether or not to accept his true identity."

"I guess that we'll see later tonight."

"When is she coming?"

"Jake said he's bringing her over at six thirty. They should be here soon."

"So, since she knows we're vampires, do we need to act human?" Emmett asked.

"It can't hurt, at least not in the beginning. We don't want to alarm her," Esme answered.

"Thanks, guys," Bella said. She looked relieved that there wasn't going to be a war tonight. Once everyone turned their focus to their various pursuits, her worry seemed to increase again. I joined her on the couch and took her hands.

"Are you okay with this?"

She nodded, but I could see pain in her eyes. "It's the right thing. I need to tell her about myself. I need to admit the truth to her, to Jake, that I never forgot you, that I married him for the wrong reasons."

"They weren't all wrong. You did love him."

"I _do_ love him," she corrected, "he's my Jacob, you know, my best friend. It just sucks how badly I treated him."

"You didn't treat him badly."

"I used him, though." I didn't argue anymore. She was right, of course, but I hated to see her sad yet again. I patted her shoulder and she leaned her head into my arm. "I miss him."

Ouch. I already knew she did, but hearing this truth hurt all the same. "This doesn't have to be goodbye."

She looked back up at me, a single tear running down her pink cheek, but hope lighting her eyes. "You think he'll still want to see me when he and Olivia get together?"

"Of course I do. He still cares about you; remember? He told you that the day he came to see you here."

"But that could change. When I leave and he has had time, he'll forget me."

Again, I wanted to reassure her, but the truth niggled in my mind. She needed to hear this. "Wouldn't that be better? Do you want Jacob always to feel pain over you? Don't you want him to be able to move on with his life?'

"You're right, I do, but it's still hard, you know."

"Yeah. It sounds like their driving up. Are you ready?"

She wiped her face and eyes, took in several deep breaths, and stood up, smoothing her shirt and hair as she did so. As the footsteps were heard coming across the porch, she squared her shoulders and walked to the door. I followed close behind her, while the family stood in welcome.

Jacob, followed by Olivia came into the house. Olivia was a tall, curvy young woman, with thick, dark red curls twisted in a loose and low bun. She had freckles all over her face, neck, and arms, large hazel eyes, and long eyelashes. She didn't wear makeup from what I could tell and there were dark crescent shaped shadows under her eyes.

As she took in the faces of everyone in the room, I sensed her discomfort at being surrounded by such a large, unnaturally attractive group of people, but she calmed her fears with a steady, calm inner voice. Even though she was upset with Jacob, she was suddenly glad that he was with her.

"Hi, Jake. Hi, Olivia," Bella greeted them. Jacob hugged Bella by way of greeting and Olivia awkwardly gave Bella a hug as well.

"Hi, Bella. Thanks for being willing to talk with me." Her voice was low and soft, just as I had heard in her thoughts. Despite her quiet tone and her initial sense of unease, I got the sense that Olivia was not a shy person, just cautious and thoughtful. She was not someone who made quick judgments or decisions.

"Of course. Let me introduce you to my friends. This is Edward." She patted my shoulder. I stepped slowly forward and extended my hand. Olivia was momentarily uneasy as she looked into my face and thought, _mind reader_, but she took my hand without hesitation.

"I can see how you got the name, 'the cold ones,'" she joked. "So, you're Edward." She looked from my face, to Bella's, and back again.

"Yes, it is so nice to meet you."

Esme was the next to step forward to be introduced. "I'm Esme, Olivia. Welcome to our home."

Esme was followed by Carlisle, Alice, Jasper, Emmett, and finally, Rosalie. With each member of the family she met, she identified them by their strongest traits in her mind, the ones Jacob had told her about. With the exception of Jasper, Rosalie, and myself, Olivia readily accepted and trusted us, or at least didn't think we would hurt her. She was wary of Jasper and me because of our gifts and Rosalie because it wasn't hard to recognize her look of disgust at being introduced to, as Rosalie so cruelly put it in her mind, "the dog and his bitch."

After the introductions were finished, Bella gestured for Olivia and Jacob to follow her upstairs where they would have the appearance, though not the reality, of privacy.

**1 ****I have a story recommendation here. One of my very favorite stories on this website is called **_**In My Power**_**. It was written by Emilie Fauve. The story is written from Carlisle's perspective and tells about welcoming Edward, Esme, Rosalie, and Emmett to his family. The author addresses Alice and Jasper in another story called, **_**Immortal Emancipation**_**. My favorite thing about her stories is that they help you understand the characters and their motivations better. Her descriptions are so authentic that sometimes I forget whether the things I read in her story were details given by Meyer in interviews or on her website, or by this fanfiction author. If you want to read about how the Cullen family relationships develop and how each of the characters comes to trust the others, check this author out. There is a link in my profile in my list of favorite stories and authors.**

**2** **Okay, this totally reminds me of another story I love, **_**Fifty-Eight Nights**_** by Eowyn77. It is about the fifty-eight nights leading up to Bella and Edward's wedding in **_**Breaking Dawn**_**. It is pretty steamy without going over the top. The way in which Alice gets involved in the story is very funny. I highly recommend checking it out. **


	21. Bella's Story

**A/N: Some of you may have noticed that I changed the rating on this story from T to M. That is not because this is going to turn into a sex story. I just felt like I might be toeing the line a bit, especially later (you'll see) and thought it would be better to err on the side of caution. There are going to be some pretty steamy moments at different times, though again, no out-right sex—I do have teen readers after all. Just thought I'd let you know. **

**As always, Stephenie Meyer is the master of the _Twilight_ universe.**

Chapter Twenty-One

I followed their progress up the stairs through Jacob and Olivia's thoughts. Both Jacob and Olivia were more comfortable now that they were away from my family. Olivia's thoughts were directed towards me as she followed behind Bella. She could understand why Bella would be attracted to me, but she didn't understand how Bella could be comfortable with someone who could read her mind. Apparently Jacob hadn't told her that my abilities were negligible with Bella's mind. She also didn't understand how Bella could be so at ease with my family or how we were able to resist out natures around humans. She was impressed but mystified. If we didn't harm humans, why was it that the majority of the pack was so hostile when it came to our family?

Jacob was totally focused on Bella's form as she led them up the stairs and down the hall, though in the back of his mind, he was acutely aware of every one of Olivia's breaths, heart beats, and movements. Walking between these two women, he felt a pull towards both. He tried to push it away, repress it. He hated that pull inside of him. When he was solely with Olivia, he felt okay, maybe a little sad, but mostly he felt complete. But when he was around Bella, particularly when he was with both women, such as on the day they met on the beach and today, he felt an overwhelming sense of shame and guilt because of the pull he felt towards each woman. He felt ashamed for loving Olivia because of what he had done to Bella. He felt ashamed for loving Bella because it kept him from being able to give the world to Olivia and her baby, Marina, from making them feel as if, for him, there were no other people more important than them. But with Bella still so near, still suffering over her losses and his believing that she would one day end her life to become a Cullen, he couldn't completely forgive himself and he couldn't move on.

Once they reached Bella's room, Bella gestured for Jacob and Olivia to sit. Both sat on the edge of the bed, while Bella sat in the armchair in the corner. All three were silent at first, unsure of what to say.

Olivia was the first one to talk. "I assume Jake told you why I wanted to speak with you."

"Yes. You want the whole truth about us, about our life together, and our relationship." Olivia nodded. "The thing is, in telling you the whole truth from my side, I'm going to reveal some difficult things, the ways in which I have hurt Jacob, things I wish he didn't have to hear because they're not simple and straightforward. So, Jake, before I begin, I want to apologize to you."

"It's okay, Bella. I've always known you were complicated. I won't be upset with you. I know you've never meant to hurt me, just as I never meant to hurt you."

"Thanks, Jake." She gave him a small smile. "I have to admit, I've been imagining this conversation for a while, thinking about how I could rationalize my experience, what I have done." She laughed. "I practically have a speech prepared."

Olivia and Jacob both smiled at her, Jacob a bit amusedly. This was a part of Bella he understood, the need of hers to rationalize and explain everything to herself, to make everything fit, even the parts that refused to do so.

"My life has been marked by spurts of predictability and then wild detours into the unknown. It all started when I was 17 and moved from Phoenix, Arizona to Forks. The move itself was nothing out of the ordinary. I was just moving from my mother's house to my father's, hardly an unusual thing to do. Soon after arriving in Forks, though, my life started to twist into something strange and unreal, something that I'm sure my father would have me committed for if he knew about.

"I had never liked Forks very much. I resisted coming every year when I spent time with my father. It was too dark, dank, and strange. Any place in the United States with an actual rainforest close by is guaranteed to be creepy for someone who was used to dry and predictable Arizona. The world of Arizona fit the kind of girl I was: predictable, rational, and analytical. I was never one given to extreme romanticism and I didn't have an unhealthy fascination with the uncanny." Jacob interrupted her monologue with a sarcastic laugh. Bella smiled at him, understanding. "At least, that is how I thought I was. Looking back, I think I was probably wrong, though. I mean, there had to be an unnatural part of me. Otherwise, why would some of my favorite books be _Jane Eyre_, _Wuthering Heights_, and _Dracula_, all books rife with romantic, preternatural, and supernatural forces? Otherwise, why would the landscape and world of Forks, Washington creep me out so much? How else would I have been pulled into a world marked by monsters and mythology? Maybe I had never been comfortable with Forks because I sensed my dangerous proclivities and they scared me. Perhaps somehow I knew that if I entered the dark world that resided in the Olympic peninsula, I would never turn back; I would never be the same girl again.

"As my unconscious mind must have known I would, I did get pulled into that world. Actually, I entered it willingly. It all started when I fell in love with a vampire and it ended when I married a werewolf. Although I loved both, it was the Edward who had my heart and soul from the very beginning." Jacob frowned. I sensed his inner turmoil. He knew this about Bella, but it was still hard to hear it. "You see, I don't let go of my loyalties easily. When Edward left, leaving my world shrouded in darkness, it was Jake with his sunny personality who was able to lighten my world again. It was horribly ironic that as soon as one monster left, another emerged, taking his place. In the end, though, understanding Jacob's hidden identity was a relief, because, if he really was a protector, then Edward truly existed somewhere. The existence of one meant the reality of the other, and as long as I knew Edward existed, I could survive.

"In time, though, Jacob began to carve out a place in my heart as well. He was sunny and warm, the perfect antidote to the cold and empty heart I had inside my chest. I never forgot about Edward, though. At first, his absence devoured and consumed me, made me an empty shell, a mere shadow of what I had been. When I traded my emptiness for insanity, his absence still defined me. I risked my life over and over just so that I could hear his voice. Even as I began to let Jacob into my heart, I covetously held onto the part of me that belonged to Edward.

"There are many words one might use to describe my choice to let Jacob in despite the fact that my heart was still taken: selfish, fickle, unfaithful, perfidious, cruel. All of these words would be true, but it didn't stop me from doing what I did and it didn't stop Jacob from accepting me. Over the years of our friendship and in the beginning of our romantic relationship, Jacob and I had to thrash out the truth. I had to tell him honestly the true state of my heart. Jacob knew I'd never forget Edward, and that, more importantly, I'd never try to, but he wanted me anyways. The truth is, we needed each other. We both needed the stability the other provided. He saved me from the gaping emptiness, and I saved him from losing himself when he changed.

"From my whole experience, I learned two things about love, or rather, that there are two different kinds of romantic love. The first is dealt by fate. I learned about this kind of love from Edward. The love that comes from fate is passionate, all consuming, and runs the risk of burning itself out. It is cataclysmic, seismic: it shakes the soul to the core. It is like a lightening bolt, striking you with deadly accuracy. When it strikes, it is unavoidable; it sets you on a path from which it is impossible to look back until it is over, and even then, it leaves a behind a relic: a scorch mark or a scar.

"The second kind of love comes though choice. It is like a slow fire, something that must be watched over and fed. If it is cared for in the right way, it can turn into a steady blaze, warming, and sometimes even eventually capable of burning everything around it. From Jacob I learned that if you choose to love someone, if you choose to spend your life trying to become one with them, trying to make them happy, you will. Jake and I met on this plane. We both had the goal to love and save the other. Our individual goals aligned us and joined us together in a level of intimacy I had never known could exist outside of the kind of love I had had for Edward.

"Not everyone is lucky to experience either one of these kinds of love, and yet, I got both. I'm not sure I deserved it." Both Jacob and Olivia made noises of disagreement and Bella gave them a shy, apologetic smile.

"Anyways, like I said, I never forgot Edward, but over time, the damage that had been done when he left began to repair itself, mostly because of Jacob, but then the news of my pregnancy also played a role. I had never really thought about becoming a mother. I knew Jacob wanted children, but we planned on waiting a while, at least until he finished college. Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on how you view it, I realized I was pregnant shortly after Jacob and I got engaged. As soon as I got the results from the over-the-counter pregnancy test, I was filled with an intense heat. I wanted this child, Jacob's child. I wanted to give a little something back to the man who had given me so much. At first, that was all I could think about— how happy Jacob would be— but over time, I began to want the baby for itself. This peaked when we went for our first ultrasound and I got to hear my child's heart beat. I sobbed as I listened to that quick thump-thump. For the first time since I had been with Edward, I felt completely and totally whole; there was nothing missing in my heart in that moment. Jacob and my baby took over everything inside of me, and Edward seemed like a distant memory, more like a strange dream than a real part of my history.

"The feeling of wellbeing continued. Jacob and I were blissfully happy as we prepared for Laurel's birth. Even though we didn't talk about it, I think Jacob could see a change in me. Sure, I was crazy and emotional a lot, but overall, I was happier than I had ever been and more committed to Jacob.

"I have always been good at compartmentalizing, of avoiding thinking about painful things, but with Laurel in my swollen belly, it was even easier. I was able to really let Edward go for the first time. Any conscious thoughts I had of him were those of gratitude that I had had any time with him at all and wondering where he was and what he was doing. There was not any longing in these ponderings. The last vestige of my time with and longing for Edward was in my dreams, but I had come to accept these and not let them stick with me after I woke up.

"Well, you know what happened—I lost Laurel. I went into premature labor and then was in a car crash. I don't know which thing to blame, but I lost her. Edward was there at the accident. I couldn't believe it. I thought I was hallucinating, but there he was and there he stayed. He had been here in Forks for a couple of months, actually. Alice, you know, the short one with spiky hair, had been getting these weird visions about me and had insisted that Edward come check on me. He did and once he saw me again, he couldn't leave. You see— he never forgot me either. He loved me all those years. He only stayed away because he wanted me to be human, to be happy, to get married, and to have children: all things he thought he couldn't give me.

"I'm sure Jake told you what happened for him. One look at you and something inside of him changed, shifted, however you want to describe it, and suddenly, you were the thing keeping him tied to the earth. At least, that's how other members of his pack have described it. He was so distraught about it and when he found out what happened to me and that Laurel was gone, I'm sure it must have been very painful."

As she spoke these words, Jacob winced and seemed to cower away from Olivia. She put a hand on his shoulder in comfort. Bella got up and sat on the other side of him, placing a hand on his other shoulder.

"It's okay, Jake. It wasn't your fault. And it's better, right? I mean, you're okay now. I'm sure you still feel sad about Laurel, but you don't have to feel pain over me anymore. I'm happy, or nearly there. You and I were and are wonderful friends, tied together in a very special way, like identical twins perhaps, but we were never meant to be lovers—not in this world."

Jake was crying now. The stress of the situation, the anger he still felt, the remembrances of painful times had overcome his tight control. "Shh, my darling. It's okay." Bella pulled him into a hug while Olivia looked on with tears in her eyes. "I'll never forget you and everything you did for me, but I want you to be happy, to forgive yourself." His breathing eventually slowed as Bella held him and rubbed his back. "There is something else I have to tell you, Jake." He looked up, sensing the nervousness in her voice. "I'm leaving Forks. I have to move on, Jake, and I think that that is the best way to begin."

"Where are you going? Are the Cullens—" His mind was split between shock, hope, fear, and loss.

"Yeah, we're all leaving. We're going to Vermont. I'm going to get my own little place and go to graduate school, maybe to become a teacher." I could tell, and so could Jacob, that she had left out whether or not she would be doing this as a human or not. He wanted to ask but bit back the question, knowing that he might not like the answer.

"I'm surprised you want to be a teacher. You are extremely eloquent. I pegged you for a future author," Olivia added.

Bella blushed. "No, I just read a lot."

"That and you have a turn for the dramatic," Jacob said, teasingly.

Bella hit his shoulder playfully. "I do not."

"Then what was up with the monologue?"

"Shut up!" she exclaimed, but all three were laughing.

"When are you leaving?" Jake asked.

"I'm not really sure. We haven't really discussed that. I still need to go see Laurel again, at least once, to say goodbye, you know, but I'd prefer it if I could visit with her a couple more times before going. I went for first time only very recently. It was—" she paused and swallowed. Jacob took her hand. Olivia leaned over and also put a hand on Bella.

"I know," Jacob whispered. "It was really hard for me the first time, too."

"You've been more than once?"

"Yeah. I've been twice, though I'm not sure if you could count the first time. I only stayed for about two minutes before I had to go. Olivia came with me the second time and that helped."

"I didn't actually come. You told me to stay in the car."

"Yeah, but knowing you were there helped a lot." He smiled at her warmly.

"Olivia?" Bella asked.

"Yeah?"

"I'm really glad Jake and you became friends. I sincerely hope things work out for the two of you."

"And you as well." She paused for a few moments. "Are you with Edward now?"

"Yes." Bella blushed. Jacob smirked at her even though it made him kind of want to throw up.

"Isn't it weird that he can hear people's thoughts?" Olivia whispered.

Bella laughed. "They can still hear you even if you whisper."

"Oh." Olivia blushed.

"No, it's not weird. It's such an integral part of Edward that I don't really think about it anymore. Of course, it helps that he can't actually hear my thoughts."

"He can't?" She looked at Jacob suspiciously as if she blamed him for withholding this fascinating truth.

"No. We have no idea why, but overall, I think it is a good thing. He probably wouldn't have fallen in love with me if he knew that I was just like everyone else inside my head."

I snorted and rolled my eyes. As if there were any way that I could not love Bella.

"Could I ask you for a favor, Bells?" Jake asked.

"Sure. What is it?"

"Could I see you again before you leave? There's something I'd like to give you and to tell you, but I want to tell you only when the thing is ready."

"Okay." She said, somewhat suspiciously.

"I should probably get home, Jake. It's almost eight. I promised Marina I'd put her to bed tonight and it's already past her bedtime." Olivia stood, as did Jacob. "Thank you for sharing your story with me, Bella." She leaned over and gave her a hug.

"I hope it helped. The thing is, Olivia, Jake is a really, really good guy, the best you'll probably ever meet. I don't want you to hold back for my sake. That goes for you too, Jake. We've got to move on and Olivia is right for you. Olivia, I think you'll be good for him, not to mention that he will be good for you. This guy has got a gigantic heart. He will make a wonderful father."

Jake reached out for Olivia's hand and caressed it. She blushed, but looked altogether pleased.

"See you, Jake." Bella reached up for another hug. He kissed her on the cheek.

"Thank you for everything, Bella. Miss you."

"Miss you, too."

They came down the stairs, overall a much more peaceful looking group than when they had gone up.

"It was nice meeting you all," Olivia said politely.

"You too. I put together a plate of cinnamon rolls I made this morning for you to take home and share with Jake and Marina," Esme said as she stepped towards Olivia, handing her a plate.

"Wow! Thanks! That was so thoughtful of you. They smell amazing. Marina will love them."

Jake looked taken aback at Esme's generosity. He looked to Bella for an explanation. Bella shrugged as if to say, "she can't help it."

Although most of my family felt comfortable that Olivia wasn't the sort to betray our secret, I could tell that Jasper felt uneasy leaving that string untied. He gave Carlisle a look that said it all. In response, Carlisle stepped forward to shake Olivia's hand with a kind smile.

"We're so glad that you were able and willing to come talk to Bella and to hear her story, but we must remind you that all of our lives, the pack's included, depend on your ability to keep our true identities secret. We have no desire to hurt Jacob and his brothers, but there are those of our kind whose duty it is to squash out anyone who betrays our secret. They would have mercy for neither our family, Jacob's, nor your own. We do not mean to alarm you, but we must do what we can to protect each other and ourselves. I'm sure you understand."

Olivia's face was grave but there was no uneasiness or hint of betrayal as she said, "I understand completely. Please do not be afraid that I will betray you. I would never do that to Jacob or Bella, and by extension, your family."

"Thank you," Carlisle said, putting a hand on her shoulder. "We did not think that you would, but we had to remind you of the consequences all the same."

"I understand."

"Please feel free to come by any time to visit Bella. You are welcome here and have no reason to fear any of us."

Olivia smiled at him. "Thank you."

I followed Bella as she walked them to the door. I put my arm around her and kissed her forehead. For someone who had been so worried before, she had done so well. She looked up at me and smiled, her eyes peaceful.

"Bye," she said again to the departing couple. "Take care of each other."

"Thanks again," Olivia added before she got in the car. When Jake walked around to the other driver's side after holding Olivia's door open for her, he waved one last goodbye.

"Well?" I asked Bella as Jacob's car pulled away.

"I'm really glad they came. I feel a lot more peaceful than I did before."

"I can tell."

"Jasper?"

"No, just the look in your eyes. Honey, you were so amazing." I turned her body towards me, and leaning down, gave her one quiet, simple, lingering kiss.


	22. A Night to Remember

Chapter Twenty-two

**I don't own _Twilight_. Al Gore "invented" it. Just kidding! It belongs to Stephenie Meyer.**

After they were gone and Bella and I returned to the house, she thanked everyone in turn for allowing Jacob and Olivia the chance to come talk to her. "I think it was good that she came here rather than meeting me in a neutral location. Now she has met all of you, she knows that she doesn't have to be afraid of you. I think that love and trust is a much better motivation for her to keep the secret than distrust and fear. That's how it was for me, after all."

"How are you feeling about your visit?" Carlisle asked.

"I'm really glad they came. It was nice to tell the whole truth to Jacob and to know that he is not going to be alone, especially now that Olivia knows Jake didn't just leave me high and dry."

"Would you like some dinner?" Esme asked, changing the subject. "You didn't get a chance to eat before they came.

"Actually," Bella said, looking up at me. "I was thinking about going out for dinner tonight."

I nodded to tell her that was fine with me.

"I had a feeling you might say that," trilled Alice excitedly. "I hope you don't mind, but I made you reservations at a place in Victoria. Sorry about the name of the city, by the way, bad associations and all. You'll have to take the ferry from Port Angeles, of course, but I've arranged it all. The restaurant is going to stay open late for you guys. I thought you deserved a little treat. Now come with me, Bella. Rose and I picked out the most gorgeous outfit for you." She grabbed Bella's hand and pulled her towards the stairs.

Bella's mouth was hanging open. "Help!" she squeaked, which made everyone laugh but her.

"Don't be silly. You're going to look beautiful. And Edward is too, right?" She gave me a stern look; all the while picturing the suit she wanted me to put on. I laughed and nodded.

I went up and changed. I was quite excited for a night out with Bella. We hadn't really been out since we went to that diner back before we got back together. And if I knew Alice, this would be quite a different experience. She seemed to have a lot of ideas about this night, but she kept them hidden as she chattered with Bella and Rosalie, putting makeup on Bella's face while Rose did her hair.

"You are going to look gorgeous, Bella. I've already seen it," Alice reassured Bella. I rolled my eyes.

Aiming for most dramatic effect possible, my sisters made Bella wait to come down the stairs until they had come down. Alice held a camera up, waiting for the grand entrance.

"Okay, Bella! You can come down now."

"These shoes are ridiculous, Alice. I am so going to fall on my face."

"Edward will catch you."

"That makes me feel a lot better. Thanks," she said sarcastically.

At that moment, she appeared at the top of the stairs. My jaw dropped into what I'm sure was a comical expression. She was dressed in a knee length, gauzy, off-white dress with a black satin sash around the waist. Her hair was down and in loose curls that slung over her shoulder. She was wearing much more makeup than she usually did. Her eyelashes were dark and long. Her full, parted lips were a perfect crimson. Her face, as she stood at the top of the stairs, was ghostly white, which provided a striking contrast with her dark lashes and lips. When she looked up and saw our astounded faces—for we who had not been involved with the makeover process were stunned—her face suffused with a deep blush. She looked amazing, definitely not like a girl anymore, but a true woman. The curves she had developed over the years were emphasized by the dress. Her already-long legs looked even longer with the black heels encasing her feet. She looked seductive and powerful, yet somehow still vulnerable. Suddenly I was glad to know that my family would be home when we got back. Their presence would definitely inhibit our behavior. More than any other time, I could see the sexual being inside of Bella. The reaction I felt inside of me was a little frightening. I felt a surge of possessiveness and desire. She was mine. Behind me, I heard Jasper snort softly in reaction to my feelings.

I swallowed the impulse to press her body against mine and carry her away to somewhere where we could be alone forever. I took her hand as she reached the bottom stair. "You look incredible," I said in a subdued voice. I think she heard the emotion in my voice, for she looked up at me and her eyes reflected understanding.

"You do too."

"Thank you. Shall we go?"

"Yeah."

"Here's the address, Edward." Alice's voice was smug. She knew she had done a good job with Bella.

"Have fun!" Rosalie added, her voice amused and somewhat sarcastic.

I helped Bella into her jacket and held the umbrella for her as we walked to the car. As we drove away from the house towards Port Angeles, we were both quiet. I was thinking about my reaction to Bella's appearance and wondering how the evening would go. Since Alice had endorsed and planned it, nothing too bad could happen.

After a half an hour of quiet, I broke the silence. "What are you thinking?"

She laughed. "I was trying to think of what my Barbie name would be."

"What?"

"Well, you know how Alice loves to treat me like a Barbie doll. I was just thinking about what kind of Barbie I would be. 'Dinner and Dancing Barbie,' or 'Wining and Dining Barbie.'"

"Hot-Diggity-Damn Barbie," I added.

She laughed. "What?"

"Just channeling Emmett. He thought that when you came down the stairs, the hot-diggity-damn part that is."

"Really?"

"Yeah." I laughed too.

When we reached the dock in Port Angeles, I bought a couple of tickets and led her onto the ferry, being careful that the umbrella was over her the whole time.

"It's cold," she complained. I stepped away from her while still protecting her from the rain with the umbrella. "Hey, don't do that!" She grabbed my arm. "I'll survive." I chuckled and kissed her head. Her hair smelled lovely. I swallowed the venom that pooled in my mouth. It seemed that the memory of her seductive appearance and her smell together were much more potent than just her smell alone. I thought back to what Carlisle had said earlier during our hunt about food and sex, sighed, bit my lip, and then smiled. Apparently I had picked up one of Bella's nervous habits.

As we approached Victoria and the lights of the city got larger and brighter, Bella snuggled closer to me. "The lights on the water are beautiful."

"Yeah."

"It was really nice of Alice to arrange this for us. I feel ridiculous in this outfit, though."

"Bella, you look so amazing; not the least bit ridiculous."

"Thanks."

"It was very nice of Alice, though. It's been quite awhile since we went out."

"Yeah. It's been awhile. I'm usually an indoor, stay-at-home kind of gal, but it's nice to get out every once in a while."

We took a taxi to the restaurant. When we walked into the restaurant, Bella gasped. The tables that surrounded a small dance floor were covered in white cloth and had votive candles on either side of small, red and orange flower arrangements. The ceiling and windows were draped in fairy lights wrapped in white tulle and soft and sultry music played in the background.

Once we gave our names to the greeter, we were led to a table and given menus. Bella looked over her menu while I watched her. "What?" she demanded.

"Nothing. You're just so beautiful."

She blushed. "Alice did quite the job, didn't she? I'm not sure I even look like myself."

"I'd say she captured your most dangerous, powerful, and enticing self."

"Dangerous?"

"Yes, very dangerous. I'm not really into makeup, as you know, but I can see why Alice did your makeup like this. You look extremely seductive."

She looked up at me from under her eyelashes. "Really?" She bit her lip.

"Yes," I whispered. "Especially when you look up at me like that. Are you doing that on purpose?"

"What?" she asked, somewhat surprised by my question. I just raised my eyebrows at her. She giggled. "You know perfectly well that I am terrible at flirting."

"Maybe when you're trying to do it on purpose. When you don't know you're doing it, you are quite adept."

"And you thought I was doing it on purpose!" she scoffed. She batted her eyelashes and pursed her lips. I laughed and she grinned at me. "Hey, can I have anything on this menu?"

"Of course."

She gave me another broad smile. "Some of this stuff looks so good."

The waiter approached us. "Can I start you off with a drink?"

"Yeah, can I have some water for now, but also, what wine would you suggest for the Chicken Provence?"1

"I suggest Chardonnay. The Signorello Chardonnay is our best, ma'am. How does that sound?"

She looked at me, unsure. It was probably the most expensive wine on the list and probably only came by the bottle. I nodded. She should have the best of everything. "Perfect. Thanks."

"Would you like a salad?"

"The roasted vegetable."

"And you, sir? What will you have?"

"I'll have the same. Thank you."

"Would you like any hors d'oeuvres?"

"No thanks."

"Is there anything else I can get you?"

"No, thanks."

"Wonderful. I will be back with your drinks in a moment."

"Thank you, Edward. This is lovely."

"You're welcome. You deserve it and much, much more." She blushed prettily but didn't say anything else. "You know, I'm sort of surprised you haven't thrown a fit over how fancy and expensive this place is."

"You know what they say about picking your battles. I figured there are more important things to get in a stew about."

"True. Give me your hand," I told her. She raised it and set it on the table. I took it up and kissed the back of it lingeringly, all the while staring into her deep, chocolate eyes. Her breath quickened. "I love you more than anything in this world, or in heaven above, Bella." It was a blasphemous statement but still the truth. Her heart seemed to falter in its steady beat.

"And I-I love you, she stammered.

"I know I told you this before, but I was so impressed with how you handled things today: calming my family down, telling your story without breaking, and for having so much compassion on Jacob and Olivia. Your mercy is astounding."

"It wasn't mercy. There was never anything to forgive."

"That just shows how merciful and forgiving you are, Bella."

"Oh, well, thanks, I guess."

"You're very welcome." I kissed her hand again. As my lips touched her skin, she closed her eyes and sighed. "Are you happy?" I asked her.

She opened her eyes. "At this moment, yes. I feel very happy."

"You have no idea how happy it makes me to know that you are happy."

"I have some idea. I feel the same way about you. I can't tell you how badly I have felt for bringing all my problems and drama into your life and for being so morose all the time."

"Ah, Bella, don't feel sorry for that." I reached over the table and caressed her face. "Sure the last several months have been sad much of the time, but they were nothing compared to the years I spent away from you. It makes me feel so happy just to be near you, to see you, to know that you still care for me."

"When you were away and weren't hunting Victoria, what did you do?"

"Do we really have to talk about that again?" I asked her.

"I'd like to know what it was like for you. I only know little bits and pieces and you know what it was like for me."

"Well, I don't really know how to describe it entirely. The pain was multifaceted and I'm not sure how to put it into language or compare it to a human's experience. There is no language strictly for my kind, and even if there were, how could I translate it? I guess the best way to describe it is to describe my behaviors the way you did when trying to explain your experience to me. The biggest changes were that I left my family and had minimal contact with them. If we ever spoke, it was through their efforts. I stopped hunting or feeding. When I wasn't tracking Victoria, I just kind of wandered around or lay in a tight ball on the dusty floor of some abandoned building."

The waiter came with the wine now, so Bella waited until he was finished pouring before she responded. "Seven years is a long time to live like that."

"Yes, I'll admit that those seven years seemed long even to me." I frowned.

"But they're over now."

I smiled. "Yes, they are."

"We have a lot to be grateful for, especially for your interfering family."

I laughed. "Yes, that's too true."

"Do you think you ever would have kissed me or told me how you felt if your family hadn't intervened?"

"I don't really know. It sort of depended on you. I was following your lead in a lot of ways, but I was also waiting for you to heal a bit more."

"You could have acted a lot earlier than they did. It probably would have been nice to have you with me during some of those more difficult days and nights."

"Are you sure? The one time I hinted I might still have had feelings for you, you jumped out of the car and went stomping out into the rain."

She laughed. "That's right, I did. I don't know. I just know that I felt something for you again long before your family told me what was going on with you."

"When did those feelings emerge for you?"

"I don't know. I mean, as you know, they were always there. I was just afraid to really feel them, you know?"

"Yes."

"Well, it doesn't really matter. As Shakespeare said, 'All's well that ends well.' What matters is that we are together now."

I raised my glass to her. She raised hers and we both took sips. She raised an eyebrow at me.

I coughed and said, "A toast doesn't count unless you drink after it."

"Yes, but—" She grimaced.

"Yeah, it was disgusting, but we won't discuss that now. What it means for me isn't what you would include in polite dinner conversation." She made another disgusted face. "Anyways, you realize you'll have to drink the entire bottle yourself?"

"Are you planning on getting me drunk?"

I smiled wickedly at her.

"I'm sure they'll let us take home what I don't finish. Besides, you are going to have to drink more than you already have. What will they think if we have almost an entire bottle left?"

"I was planning on having you drink from my glass as well as yours." I smiled again.

"So you are planning on turning me into a drunken floozy!"

"Something like that." I winked at her. She blushed. God, I loved this girl.

Eventually our food, or her food really, arrived. I pretended to eat and drink while Bella took bites from both our plates. From the sounds coming from her, it must have tasted good. I smiled every time she groaned and laughed every time she squeaked.

"I'm glad you find me so amusing," she told me acerbically after I gave a particularly hearty laugh at one of her strange noises of pleasure. I only smiled at her in return and told her that she was a delight.

Once she was full, she sat back in her chair and patted her stomach. "Mmm, that was wonderful. Too bad I'm so full. I was planning on getting dessert."

"You still can. We can just order it to go. I think I'd like to hear the noises that would go with that."

She blushed. "Are you sure?"

"Of course. What would you like?"

Her eyes lit up like it was Christmas. This made me laugh. "The Crème Caramel Cake. You know, it's kind of nice having a rich boyfriend."

I laughed and lifted my finger to catch out waiter's attention and asked him to pack up our meal and a slice of cake for us to take home. "Hold the check for now, though. And sir, call a cab please and have them wait outside. Tell them I will double the fee for the time they wait." He bowed to me obsequiously.

I turned back to Bella once he had walked away. "It has been such a pleasure seeing you enjoy yourself. Now I must ask for one more pleasure tonight." She flushed. "Dance with me," I told her and then stood by her side and offered my arm. Rather than protesting as I half expected her to, she took my arm and let me lead her out onto the dance floor.

The restaurant was nearly empty now. There was just one more couple left and it looked like they would be finished soon. They stopped eating and stared at us, but I ignored them, as did Bella. Her gaze seemed to be caught in mine as I pulled her closer to me and began to lead her in the dance step.

We danced until the other couple left and until her head drooped on my shoulder, the long day and good meal catching up to her and making her sleepy. I slowed the dance down farther and merely rocked her to the music, pressing her closer now and then. Every time I pressed her to my body, she sighed or murmured.

Finally, it seemed that if I didn't get her home, she would actually fall asleep on my shoulder. "Shall we go home?" I whispered into her dark curtain of hair.

"Yes." We started to walk back towards our table. She seemed to be walking on jelly legs. I had her sit while I found the waiter and paid the bill and a hefty tip for staying open late even though I knew Alice had already done so in advance.

When I got back to Bella, she was resting her head on the table. I helped her put on her jacket, picked up the leftovers, lifted her in my arms, and carried her out to the cab.

"Hey, you don't have to carry me," she complained.

"Shh," I told her. "Thank you for waiting," I told the driver.

"Hey, no problem, man. You're the one paying for it. Hey, is she alright?" he asked, pointing to the only semi-alert Bella in my arms.

"Yes, she's just had a long day and a very good meal."

"I know what that's like, but I still gotta check." Apparently, he was worried I had done and was going to do something sinister. I appreciated his concern, so I let him ease his mind. He called out, "Hey, lady! You okay?"

Bella opened her eyes wearily. "Yeah, I'm fine."

"You know this guy?"

"Yeah. He's my Edward."

I smiled at the driver and he shrugged. "Alright! Hop in!"

Once we reached the pier, I carried her onto the ferry and sat her down in a seat where she simply slumped over. I chuckled and then rested her against me once I sat down.

Bella slept the whole way back to Forks, but woke up when we got to the house.

"Sorry," she said.

"Hey, you've had a long day and it's late."

"It's way past my bedtime." She unbuckled her seatbelt and then looked up at the house. The lights were all out. "Did everyone leave?"

I chuckled nervously. This was so not happening to me. Of all the nights for them to take an unexpected trip! "It appears so." I looked at her as I said this, trying to see if she was thinking what I was thinking. It looked like she was. Her breathing and heartbeat had picked up and she was looking at me with those deep, expressive eyes. Her cheeks were flushed and her mouth was slightly opened. Her lipstick was worn off a little, so her lips looked stained and swollen, like they had just been kissed passionately or bitten. As if she had heard what I was thinking, she licked those lips, moistening them, increasing their allure. I felt the panic welling up inside of me. Tonight? Would she push my boundaries tonight? Would I be able to resist? Would I hurt her if I did what we both wanted to do? Would I hurt her if I didn't?

Before either of us could do anything about the desire and lust pulsating between us, I sped out of the car and opened her door, taking deep, cleansing breaths of air as I waited for her to get out. Once she was out, though, she stood very close to me, looking up at me with those eyes, those lips, that beautiful, sexy face. I closed the door behind her and then moved further away from her towards the back of the car so I could get the leftovers. I could feel her watching me as I did this, expectant and almost predatory. I couldn't look at her, but I took her hand as we walked up to the house and went inside.

When we got inside, there was a note lying on the floor. I picked it up and read it before Bella turned the lights on.

_Dear Edward and Bella,_

_We all decided to have a night on the town as well. We won't be back until tomorrow. Hope you have a nice evening._

_Alice_

I ground my teeth. If I had a nickel for every time they interfered in my love life, I'd—well—I'd be even richer than I already was. Damn them! How could they do this to me?

Bella turned on the light. I felt the air shift and heard her walk towards me. She stood right behind me. I closed my eyes and tried to recall reason. It was very difficult to do that with her standing behind me, warming me, breathing out her rich scent, thinking what I knew she was thinking.

She wrapped her arms around me. I stiffened. She pulled away. "Edward, take me upstairs." I swallowed back the venom that was again pooling in my mouth and throat. I fought back those impulses that commanded me to rip her clothes off right there and to claim her on the floor. I turned towards her slowly, still trying to master the almost-violent impulses inside of me.

I'm sure my face was stony, but she must have understood it was due to fear, not rejection. She took my hand, and this time she was the one to lead me. I followed her up the stairs and into her dark room. She closed the door behind me. I stood completely still and closed my eyes again, still unsure about what I would do, how I would handle this.

"Edward," Bella said. Her voice was so soft and compelling, I opened my eyes and looked into hers. "Make love to me."

**A/N: Mwahahaha! That's all. Be kind and review**

**1 Actually, one more thing. I almost forgot about the notation. I stole these dishes off the menu of an actual French restaurant in Victoria, B.C. called Bon Rouge, but altered the look of the place. The pictures on the website didn't look romantic enough. Actually, the décor was rather frighteningly tacky and hideous— to me, anyways. I'm sure some people would think it was lovely, and I totally respect that, though I seriously question their taste. Okay. Shutting up now. Until next time, friends. It might be a couple of weeks this time, so be patient, and in the meantime, send me lots of love. Reviewers rock my world.**


	23. Promises

Chapter Twenty-three

**I don't own Twilight**

A violent shudder ran through my body. I pulled away from her as if to put space between the temptation and myself. "Bella, I can't"

"No," she corrected me. "You won't. And will you tell me why that is? You say you want me, so take me."

I took in a deep breath. Her words were cruel considering how I was feeling at the moment. I spoke slowly. If I were human, I was sure there would be a tremor in my voice. "I won't, because every time I am with you like that, I feel all my control slipping from me and I'm afraid of what I might do."

"Isn't the point to lose some control?" she asked softly.

"Bella, I can never, never lose my control when I'm with you. You know that. I've told you this before. I could kill you! Do you know what that does to me? Knowing that an act of love could turn into an act of violence, the delivery of your death? The thing is, I still want and desire you for more than the reasons that I love you."

"My blood?"

"That's part of it, but not the whole thing. This is one thing that I'm not sure how to deal with because, like you said, I want you. You have no idea how much I want you, but that is part of the problem. I want you too much, in ways that must remain forbidden to me because they would put you in danger."

"I trust you."

I thought back to the feelings I had had earlier, the ones that bordered on violence. I closed my eyes. "Don't."

"Please. I just don't know if I'll always feel this way and I want us to be together before anything changes. Just once."

I furrowed my brow. "What do you mean you don't know if you'll always feel this way? What changes are you expecting that could possibly mean that I should put you in danger now?"

"It's just that the way you and Rosalie talked about being one of your kind, it just made it seem like I won't want you in the same way after I'm different, at least not for the early years. I want to be able to enjoy this time with you while I'm still in this body with all the crazy hormones and feelings, when all I want _is_ _you_. When blood is in the equation, it just seems like everything is going to be different. I want to be able to remember being with you as a human, to remember how overwhelmed and out-of-control, yet totally safe, I feel when I am with you. When I'm a vampire, it's going to be different. I know it is. I won't feel all of that anymore. Please, Edward. Just please."

While she pled with me, I felt myself slipping. I didn't want her to make sacrifices to be with me. She should have anything she wanted. Feeling myself teeter, beginning to contemplate acceding to her wishes, I began to feel angry and impatient. This was so wrong; I could not, I would not lose her. "Look, I'm sorry you're scared and that you think you are losing something by waiting, but those sacrifices are nothing compared to facing serious injury or even death all for a few moments of pleasure. If you really need sex, well, maybe you should just leave me, Bella, because I can't give it to you while you're still human." Bella gasped and I instantly regretted my hasty words. "I'm sorry. We've had such a nice evening and I've ruined it. Please just understand where I'm coming from. I felt things tonight; I have felt things throughout _all _of the time I've known you and have been with you that make me truly hate myself. When you came down the stairs tonight, at first I just felt shock and amazement, but then I felt the predator inside of me. It wasn't the only time I felt that way tonight. Carlisle warned me about this."

She was thoughtful for a few moments. "Maybe you're just not used to this, to allowing yourself to feel those impulses, so they always take you by surprise and perhaps exert more power over you because you are unused to them."

"Carlisle made a similar suggestion. He thought that some of the problems we face may be resolved somewhat by familiarity."

"So, it might be more possible than you think."

I sighed. "Honestly, I don't really know what to expect. It might work; it might not. It might make you feel better about things, or it might just unravel the little bit of control I have by exposing myself to this kind of intimacy and I could still end up hurting you. Sex is a slippery slope. It all might just leave us more frustrated than we already are." I gave her a half smile.

"That may be, but I want to try, just try. We don't have to do it all in one night, either. We can build up to it, get you used to being with me intimately."

I smoothed her cheek with my hand. "Bella, I just—"

She placed a finger on my lips. "I know you're frightened. I can respect that, but I hope that you'll think about this some more, that you won't freak out every time I bring it up. This is something we're going to have to figure out together. Whatever we decide, it has to take into consideration both of our feelings, without making one of us sacrifice more than the other. I'm sorry if it felt like I was pushing you. Just as you don't want to hurt me, I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to make you do things that frighten you. I just hope that they won't always frighten you." She smiled wryly. "As much as I might have looked like the femme fatale tonight, it was not my intention to actually be one."

"Yeah right, you minx," I said, tugging the sash around her waist to pull her into a hug. "You certainly played the part convincingly at times." She giggled coquettishly. I kissed her. "We can continue thinking about this and talking about it. Just give me time, okay? Like, you said, this doesn't have to happen in one night."

"Again, I'm sorry I made you so upset." She sighed into my chest. "It's kind of embarrassing to have to beg my boyfriend to have sex with me. Makes me feel like, I don't know, there's something wrong with me."

"There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Everything you feel is natural. I'm the one with the problem."

"Yeah, you are a bit on the frigid side." She burst out laughing. "Frigid? Did you get it? Because you're so cold and—" She laughed some more. Unable to stop, she clenched her side while giggles and guffaws poured out of her mouth.

"Okay, I think it is time for you to go to sleep. You're a little bit slap-happy."

After she giggled a few more times, she nodded her head. "I am tired, though I think that was more of a result of the tension than the late hour. It's been a long day."

"Yes, it has. Go get changed and I'll sing you to sleep."

Once she was dressed in flannel pajamas and thick socks and had brushed her teeth, she curled up next to me, shivering a little. It was a cold night and I could feel a draft pour in from the floor-to-ceiling windows. "Cold?" I asked her.

"Yeah." I swathed her in blankets, but didn't bother pulling myself away from her. I knew she would protest any such change. "You know, there are other methods to warm a girl up," she said mischievously.

I rolled my eyes. "Minx!"

"Somebody has a dirty mind. I was actually thinking about ear muffs."

I rolled my eyes again. "Go to sleep. You're getting ridiculous."

She cuddled closer to me and sighed. After a couple of minutes of silence, she said, "Thanks for tonight. It was so romantic. I haven't had a date like that in a long time."

"You're welcome, my love."

"Be sure to put the leftovers in the fridge. I think you dropped them by the stairs."

I laughed and kissed her forehead. "Yes, ma'am."

She opened one eye, peered at me, and smiled. "That food was _so_ good."

"I could tell. You seemed to be having quite the sensual experience while eating it."

"Well, you know what they say about food and sex."

Indeed.

~oOo~

Despite the late hour at which she fell asleep the night before, Bella dutifully went to work even though I suggested she take the day off. "I can't miss work today. Mrs. Glen already gave me off a ton of time and I called off the day I went to visit Laurel." I made a protesting noise, but she assured me that she was an experienced veteran of going to class or working after sleepless nights. That didn't keep her from crashing as soon as she got home.

An hour after she fell asleep, my family returned to the house. I carefully pulled away from Bella, making sure not to jostle her and went downstairs to have a little conversation with my dear sister, Alice. She had to have seen that the evening she had planned would lead to a potentially disastrous conclusion. Even though Bella and I had come to an understanding in the end didn't mean that I was comfortable with the ways in which Alice had played with my control.

As I came down the stairs, I heard Jasper say, "Pay up. Edward most definitely has his knickers in a bunch. I seriously doubt anything happened"

"You can't know that. Maybe he's feeling guilty after doing the deed. " Emmett said defensively.

"You'll see in less than a second," Alice informed him with a sigh. She turned to meet my glare.

"What the hell were you thinking?" I demanded.

"Calm down, Edward. You're misinterpreting everything. Sure I knew that the evening might bring things to a head—" Emmett snickered and we both scowled at him. "But that wasn't why I did it. What I saw was that last night would be really important to Bella. She desperately needed some pampering: to feel young, pretty, sexy, and desirable. That is what I wanted to give her. I knew it would make it harder for you, but it was worth it. Don't you think so? And anyways, Bella should be allowed to dress sexily. It's your problem if you can't handle it. You're just so used to seeing her in pajamas and the ubiquitous jeans that seeing her look like a real woman sent you in a shock. You'll get used it. That is if I have anything to do with it."

"I recognize those motives and I appreciate them, but you can't honestly say that you weren't hoping for a little something more when we got home. After all, why else would you all leave?" I glared at the rest of my family. Most of them looked sheepish. Rosalie only looked amused. "I really wish you guys would stop interfering with my love life."

Rosalie scoffed. "As if you don't interfere into our privacy. You should be thankful that we tried to give you some even though you don't give us any at all."

"Rose," Carlisle chastised. "We're sorry. Honestly, we just wanted to give you two an evening together. You both have been through a lot and we thought it might be a nice change, especially considering how well things have been going for you two."

"Carlisle, you can't honestly say that after our conversation, that you didn't think things might get a little heated?"

He shrugged. "I thought it might, but you remember what I told you. I have faith in your self-control and in your ability to get through this with Bella."

I didn't respond for a second. Emmett spoke first. "So...How did things go?'

I rolled my eyes, knowing exactly what he was asking. He and Jasper had made a wager on whether or not Bella and I would consummate our relationship. "Nothing happened. Well, not nothing, but not anything that would make you win the bet," I told him.

"Damn!" he cursed.

Jasper grinned. "You had no chance against me. My girlfriend is psychic. Remember?"

"Yeah, I remember, dipshit, but even she wasn't sure what the outcome would be."

Jasper shrugged. "Based on what she did see and my knowledge of Edward, I assumed things wouldn't get out-of-hand with Bella."

I could feel my anger rising. "How can you treat this so lightly? Do you realize that if Bella and I—" I couldn't finish that sentence. "I could have killed her!"

"It's true, guys," Alice said, her eyes still focused on my face. "I've seen that possibility. I continue to see it sometimes, though not that often. I see other forms of physical harm more: a broken rib, fractured pelvis, or a concussion. Of course, sometimes I see her okay, with only a few bruises, but nothing more."

I rubbed my face in some distress. I knew all this, but I hated seeing the images in her head.

"What?" Rosalie's voice cracked like a whip. "You've seen that?" she asked Alice. "Edward is going to give in?" She turned to me. "You can't be serious. You cannot sleep with her." I saw in her head an image as if from above of a naked human girl lying on the cold street covered in blood and bruises, her arms at an awkward angle as if broken. It was an image of herself from before her transformation.

I looked at her in surprise. "You didn't realize that that could happen? Just what did you tell Bella when she came to ask you about sex?" I felt a pulse of anger again.

"I just-I just told her that things were different as a vampire, in the beginning at least. I mean, that's what she asked about. I also told her that you'd never give into having sex with her before the change because it would be wrong. And it is wrong, Edward. You cannot do that to her. You cannot be undecided about this. You could end up hurting her." Again, she saw the image of the girl in the streets. This time, the girl had thick mahogany hair rather than gold. I flinched away from the image.

"Rose," Esme said gently. She was divided between compassion for her distraught daughter and a fierce pride in Rosalie for overcoming her petty dislike of Bella to the point of wanting to protect her. I felt similar feelings, though I was still frustrated about this conversation and upset by the images in Rosalie's head.

"Rosalie, we all know the risks Edward would be taking, but I believe that he will be able to master his instincts over time, especially with more exposure," Carlisle added.

"How could you even risk it?" she demanded of me. "After everything you put this family through when you left her. If she were to die, it would be infinitely worse and you know it. Alice told me about the plans you've made if Bella were to die. You'd go off yourself in Italy and leave us to pick up the pieces. How can you be so selfish?" I glanced at Alice; surprised she had told Rosalie about this plan.

"Rosalie, I am well aware of the risks, and believe me, the thought of hurting her terrifies me. She knows the risk as well, at least theoretically. The thing is, I have to respect her feelings as well, and even if I find that I can't grant her ultimate desire in the end, we have to work this through together. It's the only way she will be happy with things, and the only way for me to be happy is for her to be happy." Everyone except Rosalie was pleased with this explanation.

"Whatever. Just don't come complaining to me when her lung gets punctured from a broken rib."

I sighed. "Of course I won't." I wanted to tell her thanks for caring so much, but she was already tugging Emmett up the stairs to talk. I was sure she still had some choice words to express on the occasion, but despite her irritation, she didn't want to disrespect Esme by saying them in the living room.

Alice came closer to me and put a hand on my arm. "I'm sorry you were scared, but Bella really did need it. Even Jasper agrees."

Jasper, who had joined her, nodded. "She's happy right now, much more than she has been since we came back to Forks."

"Edward, we'll all help you with this." I rolled my eyes. As if it weren't the helping behaviors that didn't lead to things I couldn't handle. "Bella is going to be okay." I saw an image of the transformed Bella, happy and smiling, her arm entwined with my own. "Also," she said in a mischievous voice, "I thought you might want to see this." Another image flashed in her mind. The image took place in a garden filled with verdant vegetation—the summer perhaps. Bella and I were standing under a tree, accompanied by another man. Bella was dressed in resplendent white and was holding my hands. There were others behind us, but the picture was cut off before I saw them all. A wedding. My heart burst into flames. I felt bubbling joy rise up my throat. A wide, elated smile spread across my face. Bella. My wife.

"I thought that might make you happy."

"Happy? Alice, she might marry me!"

Alice laughed, as did the others in the room. They knew who the "she" was in my declaration. They were not surprised. In fact, they were all rather depending on the idea.

"Thanks, Alice," I said hurriedly as I raced up the stairs to Bella's room. I wasn't planning on waking her, but I wanted to be with her now, even if she was sleeping.

**A/N: Sorry this one was kind of short. This was just the best place to end this chapter. Be kind and review. Until next time! **


	24. A Blessing and a Gift

Chapter Twenty-four

**I don't own Twilight.**

Over the next week-and-a-half, I carried the image of Bella in white before me in my mind. I was sure that Bella noticed my glowing happiness, but she didn't really comment on it. She seemed a lot happier herself. Alice must have been right that Bella had needed our special night together, even if it did end on somewhat tense terms.

As promised, I had continued to think about how I would deal with the issue of physical and sexual intimacy. When I wasn't overcome with fear and panic as I had been the night we went out, I could see how there might be hope for us. As long as I was patient, calm, controlled, and made it about meeting Bella's needs rather than my desires, I thought there might be more of a possibility for us to increase the level of intimacy between us; perhaps not to the level of actual intercourse—the thought still sent me into a panic—but to other things.1

Although I thought about these things, I had not acted on them yet. Honestly, there was something else on my mind even more: the possibility of marrying Bella. It felt like a miracle that after over a hundred years of being alone I would have a partner, a companion, someone to call my own, someone to be my own little family unit. I loved Carlisle and Esme and all of the others, and they were, for all intents and purposes, my family, but they all had someone else, someone who claimed their loyalty more than any other. I had always been the odd man out. Call me old fashioned, but even with Bella living with me and being with me, there was something special about thinking of her as my mate, committed and tied to me through the promise of matrimony. Now the question of when this would be possible weighed on my mind. When would she be ready enough to say yes? And how would this impending question affect the issue of our physical intimacy? Bella was neither religious nor a conservative person, but I had been raised and had it ingrained in me that sexuality was reserved for after marriage. I didn't want to deprive Bella of affection, but there was something about the idea of waiting to give my body to her after promising to be her husband for eternity that appealed to me. And it would be for eternity. I knew this now. I would change Bella when she was ready. I would marry her, worship her body the way she deserved and the best way I could, and then would submit to her desire for immortality by my side. Wouldn't this be the best way to show her how very much I loved her? And to be honest, this was the best way that she could show me that she was in this forever as well, that her heart would belong to me and no one else. Although I didn't feel like I deserved this kind of love, I still wanted it.

There were other things to occupy my and Bella's attention as well. Although we weren't sure of exactly when we would be moving to Vermont since it depended so much on when Bella was ready, we continued to pack up her belongings in her house and Esme began making some improvements so she could sell it. After all, now that she had told Jacob she was planning on moving across the country, it seemed more likely that this would be the case than when she had spoken about the move in more vague terms, as she had done before.

Rosalie and Emmett were planning on leaving earlier than the rest of us, perhaps within the next few weeks. Rosalie was eager to move on. She and Emmett were planning on getting their own place up in the mountains, not too far from where the rest of us would be settling. Alice and Jasper also talked about finding their own place, but hadn't made up their minds to go yet. Jasper had suggested they go along with Emmett and Rosalie, but Alice kept saying she had a feeling she needed to stay in Forks for a bit longer. She didn't know the exact reason for her vague premonition, only that it had to do with Bella. This uneasiness somewhat punctured my joy. Hadn't the girl been through enough?

Since her visit with Jacob and Olivia, Bella had continued a greater amount of contact with them than she had before. This opened the way for her to call Emily again, whom she had missed, and whom had been missing Bella. She contacted Billy Black as well and had a long, somewhat emotional conversation with him, which although was hard, seemed to help her form closure.

Rosalie and Emmett did end up leaving for Vermont and Esme and Carlisle accompanied them as well, something that they hadn't been planning on, but decided to do anyways. Carlisle was anxious to get back to work in a hospital and Esme didn't want to be away from him and she was eager to find a house. Jasper again brought up the idea of leaving as well, but Alice merely gave Bella an uneasy looked, which stopped him from asking again.

Before Rosalie, Emmett, Esme, and Carlisle left, Bella had a tearful farewell with them all even though it wouldn't be too terribly long before she saw them again. "Thank you so much for coming back for me! You guys really saved me. I don't know what I would have done without you. Honestly." She gave them tight hugs and warm kisses on the cheeks. It was heart warming to see how my family members, especially Rosalie, responded to her warmth. Emmett laughed jovially and told her that he was glad to have her as a sister again. Rosalie's face softened and she even smoothed Bella's hair when they embraced and when Bella kissed her cheek. Carlisle looked upon Bella with the fond look he gave all of his family, like they really were his own flesh and blood and like he saw the world in them. Esme choked out a little noise, almost as if she wanted to cry. She held Bella the longest and crooned in her ear, "Oh, sweet Bella, you are so dear to me. Please come join us soon."

Other goodbyes were looming on the horizon. I felt bad for Bella in a way. She had just barely begun to reconnect with her friends and Quileute family and now she faced the idea of leaving. However, it seemed like my concern was mostly unnecessary. If anything, Bella seemed to feel at peace. Maybe not completely, but much more so than I had ever seen her. I fervently hoped that this was the end of her suffering, that she could leave all this behind her and find happiness in a new life.

It wasn't too long before Jacob called and wanted to see her again, perhaps for the last time. They decided to meet at First Beach. It was winter, so they'd probably stay in the car for their conversation, but the place was an important part of their history. I asked her if she wanted me to come, but she told me that it would probably be best for them to be alone. "I'll tell you how it goes, though. I know it would drive you mad if I kept what we talk about from you," She reassured me and gave me a sly smile.

Jacob and Bella chose to meet on a Saturday when neither had work or school. While she was away, I thought I'd do something nice for her to come home to. I ran through several ideas before I decided that maybe tonight could be a special night when I'd try to work on some of those physical barriers between us. I had to do it right, though, to make it special for her. I spent the day planning and shopping for a meal, picking out and buying a fragrant bouquet of flowers. On a whim, I stopped at an antique store to see if they had something nice I could give her, a pretty piece of jewelry, or something. Cliché, I know, to give the girl a gift while at the same time planning advances, but I wanted to give her something nice. After all, her birthday and Christmas had passed with little or no recognition. The first time because she had been so lost in her grief that I let it pass by without comment and the other time because she had insisted on two gifts only, a donation to a charity and a book. Okay, so I had given her a very expensive early edition of _Jane Eyre_, but still, I wanted to give her something else to show her that she was always in my thoughts.

The shop I chose to go to was small and quiet. As I walked in, the bell attached to the door rang softly. I looked around myself and found myself smiling at all the antique items that were from decades long after I had died and had become a vampire. I was probably the oldest thing in the shop.

"Hello, dear. Can I help you find something?" an old woman, the proprietor, asked me. She was a short and plump woman with a kind, wrinkled face and equally as kind thoughts. She walked towards me slowly and smiled.

"I'm not sure."

"Well, what are you looking for? Anything in particular?"

"Just something special, you know. I'm guessing it's going to be more of those 'I'll know it when I see it' kind of things."

She smiled again and this time looked me over more thoroughly. "You are a very handsome young man. You have a sweet heart?"

I have no idea what came over me, but I asked teasingly, "Why? Are you looking for one?"

She let out a hearty laugh. "I'm not sure Jonas would approve of me adding any more boyfriends to my list."

"Is Jonas your husband?"

"Oh no! My husband's name was Mark. Jonas is our son. He says I already have too many admirers popping in and out every day, asking me to go to bingo and all. I'm not sure what Jonas is worried about. Bingo, I tell you! I'd rather go out dancing. Do you like dancing? You look like you have the grace for it."

"I can dance, yes. I don't get to do it very often, though. My...girlfriend...she is rather terrified of dancing."

"Never said the word 'girlfriend' before, have you? You're not one of those rascals who have a new girl every night of the week and have an unnatural fear of the c-word?"

"No," I laughed. The c-word? That was sort of . . . bawdy. This lady was funny.

"You know I meant commitment, right?"

I laughed again. "Yes. It's not that. I love Bella very much." I couldn't stop the tenderness in my voice. "She is more than special. I only paused because, well, she has always seemed to be much more than a girlfriend, you know. The word seems rather trite compared to the way I feel about her."

"Ah, the transcendence of young love! Wait until you find out that she squeezes out the toothpaste the wrong way or hangs the toilet paper backwards so you have to pull up instead of down. Well, if you can tell me what word you'd use to describe your relationship, I could help you much better. Lover perhaps? Wife? Therapist?" she chuckled.

I could feel the glow in my chest as I thought of that picture Alice had shown me, the one of Bella in that white gown, holding my hands. I could tell from the woman's thoughts that the glow showed on my face. "No need to tell me. I know just the sort of thing you're looking for, or at least will be soon enough." She turned and led me to a back room where there were several glass cases full of jewelry, including wedding rings and bands. "These are mostly from estate sales."

I swallowed in anticipation. I felt a phantom heart pound in my chest. "How old are the rings?"

She smiled at me, pleased that she had anticipated my choice in jewelry. "I have a few from as far back as the late 19th century and early 1900s."

An idea occurred to me. I felt the excitement inside of me grow. "May I see those?"

"Of course. Rings from those eras are getting more popular these days. Here you are." She pulled out a tray of rings. Some of them I eliminated quickly. Some were way too gaudy, or too informal looking, and then I saw the one. It was perfect and it struck something inside of me. There was something so familiar about the design of this ring. It was relatively simple looking, but very beautiful, antique yet somehow timeless. The ring was platinum and held five diamonds: one larger round diamond flanked by two small round diamonds on each side.

"What year era is this from?"

"Edwardian, I believe."

I snorted.

"What is so funny?"

"My name is Edward."

The woman laughed. "Now that is what I call a sign." She looked at me seriously. "You look like you're having serious thoughts there. You okay?"

"Yeah, it's just, I think my mother owned a ring very similar to this. As far as I know, she was buried wearing it."

The woman made a sympathizing noise, paused, and then asked, "An heirloom?"

"Er, yes, an heirloom." Actually, now that I brushed aside the cobwebs of forgotten memories, I remembered that my father had given my mother a similar ring after she had me. She wore it on her right hand. She used to tell me about what the ring meant, how it was a gift from my father to commemorate the gift of a son she had given him. I closed my eyes, almost remembering the feel of listening to my mother's soft voice.

"It looks like you found your ring. Do you think it will need to be sized?"

"I'm not sure. Bella has pretty slender fingers, but I don't know if this will be a perfect fit or not. I guess I'll find out. Well, that is if she consents to try it on." I frowned.

"You think she might say no?"

"There's a possibility. You see, she's been married before. You know what they say, 'once bitten, twice shy.'"

"I have a feeling she'll say yes as long as it's the right time. It is clear to me that you love her very much."

"I do."

"If she's got her mind intact, then she knows how lucky she is. Okay, so are you going to keep me in business for another month by buying this ring?"

"Yes." I smiled at her. I almost couldn't believe I was buying a ring. I had come in thinking of buying a necklace or a pair of earrings, but an engagement ring? Well, I guess marriage had been on my mind an awful lot recently. The only question was whether I would give it to her tonight. I hesitated, unsure. I figured I should just see how the evening went. I bought the ring, thanked the woman who had helped me and drove home, the ring box hot and heavy in my pocket. I was more aware of the feeling of it than anything else. I was sure that it would continue to be like that until the ring rested on the fourth finger on Bella's left hand.

When I got back from my errands, Alice was in the garage waiting for me with a euphoric look on her face. She was practically vibrating with excitement. "Let me see it! Let me see it!"

I chuckled, and even though I knew that she had already seen it in a vision, I humored her. She gasped and oohed and ahhed and had all the other appropriate reactions. I grinned the whole time. I was still somewhat shocked and in awe of my own audacity of buying this so soon, when not even a few months ago, I had been unsure of whether I would ever be with Bella again. Other than just being with her, it felt like I had never wanted anything more than this.

"Are you going to ask her tonight?"

"I don't know. Why don't you tell me?"

"Well, you don't seem to be sure."

"I'm not. It all sort of depends on Bella. I want to make it is the right time. I know you had the vision of us getting married, but it didn't really give me a time frame."

"No. That's part of the problem with visions. I'll let you know if I see anything. By the way, that thing you're planning on doing tonight, it's perfect and I think that it is going to be safe."

When Bella got back, she had a big smile on her face. As soon as she saw me, she gave me an enormous hug. The visit must have gone well. "You seem very happy," I said.

"I am. We had the most amazing talk. He gave me this." She held out a wrist towards me. On a thin chain around her wrist dangled a small, wooden, reddish brown wolf in the act of baying at the moon. The carving was intricate and beautiful. "It's a smaller replication to the wolf he carved for Laurel while I was pregnant and placed in the casket with her. "Isn't it beautiful?" she asked with tears in her eyes.

I nodded and hugged her again. "Jake, he well, he gave me his blessing to be with you. He really wants me to be happy the way I want to be. He said that he has been thinking a lot about my changing and he's decided that he has to let me move on, and, if that is what I want, then he is going to support me. He said that my happiness is much more important to him than any treaty, his own discomfort, or anything else. He said that he has spoken to the tribal elders and Sam. They had a vote about how they would react if I am changed and that there was only one vote for retribution. Everyone else agrees with Jacob. Isn't that amazing?"

It really was. I was rather impressed with Jacob and the pack, grateful, too. I could see how important this blessing was to Bella. "Jacob is a good man," I said, kissing her hair. She nodded into my chest. I held her there for a little while and then asked her if she was hungry.

"Yeah, I could eat."

"I made you some dinner."

"Wow, thanks!" I walked her into the kitchen, and after putting the food in the oven to reheat, I gave her the bouquet of flowers I bought her. "What are these for?" she asked.

I shrugged. "I just wanted to give you something nice to make you feel special."

"Thank you. That was so kind of you." She admired and smelled them, placed them back on the table, and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I spun her around and pressed her against the counter, molded my body to hers, and kissed her on the mouth deeply. From the other room, where Alice and Jasper were, I heard a soft giggle and then the front door open and close. Privacy.

At first, Bella seemed startled by my actions. After all, this wasn't the sort of thing I usually did, but she very quickly relaxed in my arms and kissed me back just as fervently. All while kissing her, I thought, _this is for her, this is not about you, this is for her_. I was pleased to find that, although my skin tingled and my mouth produced excess venom, I didn't feel my control slipping.

I dragged my mouth from hers and to her ear. "I'm going to kiss you until you faint," I growled softly. Her grip on my arms got tighter and she gasped. Her breathing was fast now. I kissed her again, this time not bothering to pull away when I would normally do so. I ran my hands up and down from her waist, feeling her soft curves under my fingers, all the while exploring the inside of her mouth with my tongue. She whimpered. Her hands travelled to my chest and then to my back. With what felt like all her strength, she pressed me closer to her. Again, I reminded myself that this wasn't about me, and by doing so, felt some of the growing tension inside of me ease up a little. I felt one of her legs slide up mine until it was close to my hip. I helped her by hitching it up higher. This brought our bodies even closer together. Oh, God, it felt good. Bella whimpered again. Her hands traveled down to my waist and she slipped her hands underneath my shirt. She pulled it off of me and ran her hands over my abdominal and pectoral muscles. The tension was beginning to feel unbearable. I found myself pulling my face away from hers, eyes still tightly shut, inhaling trembling breaths. Bella's grip on me relaxed and she slid her leg back down. I knew what she was doing, giving me a little more time and space to get used to this. I didn't pull away, though. Not yet. I willed myself to maintain some control. _This is for her, not for you_, I thought again and again, repeating it like a mantra. I rested my forehead against hers and waited for the insistent desires to calm down again. Bella stayed quiet, though I could feel her gaze on me.

Once I felt settled again, I kissed her softly. "Thanks for being so patient with me," I whispered.

"No problem. What was that about? Not that I'm complaining. It was amazing, but kind of unexpected."

"I've been thinking, you know, about us."

She smiled slightly. "And just what have you been thinking?" she asked, a slight tone of mischief in her voice.

I had to look away while I said it. Her face was flushed and lovely from our activities. "I was thinking that perhaps—" I broke off suddenly. I could hear Jasper and Alice rushing back towards the house and I could tell they were worried and even afraid. What had happened? "Hold that thought," I said, kissed her quickly, and pulled away. "Something is wrong," I explained and rushed out of the house. I heard Bella follow after me.

"Jasper, Alice, what happened?" I demanded when I reached them. Rather than stopping to explain, they continued to run towards the house. Alice only said one word: "Bella."

"What's wrong? What did you see?" I felt panic rising. We reached Bella.

"Bella. You have to call Phil. I might be wrong, it was kind of fuzzy, but I think something is wrong with Renee."

**A/N: Long note here. Sorry.**

**1 I have to tell you guys that my inspiration for this statement of Edward's (that maybe he can give a little) is from Fifty Eight Nights by Eowyn77. Read it! It is an awesome story and steamy without going overboard. It explains how Edward went from crazy scared of sleeping with Bella to fulfilling his promise on the honeymoon. Basically the story involves a whole lot of practice.**

**Okay, as much as I love the Twilight books, I am always a bit horrified by the descriptions of the clothing and jewelry. The ring S.M. designed for Bella, as seen in the Eclipse film, is a bit ghastly. I think it looks like a piece of armor, like a shield or something. Nothing delicate about it, which is funny since I think that she described it as being delicate in the book. I know that some people like to see pictures of clothing, jewelry, and such, so I'm putting a link to my ring choice on my profile page. I couldn't find any rings I liked from the Victorian era, which is when Elizabeth Masen's ring would have been made, so I made up a story for a ring from the Edwardian era, which would have began the year Edward was born. I always wondered if that is why S.M. chose the year 1901 for Edward's birth. **

**Be kind and review!**


	25. Another Loss

Chapter Twenty-five

**Okay, after struggling with how you all would react to this chapter, here it is. I know some of you may be upset by what happens or even roll your eyes over the never-ending drama, but please hang in there with me. I realize that this many tragedies don't usually happen in less than a year. I chose to do include this plotline for a few specific reasons, not just to get rid of unresolved character, so again, be patient with me. Things will get better again, and very soon. **

Bella inhaled deeply as if she had been punched in the stomach. "My mom? What's wrong? What did you see?"

Alice bit her lip. "I'm not sure. I think that you should just call Phil. He'll be able to tell you much more than I can."

"Stay here," Jasper said. "I'll get your phone." He ran to and disappeared into the house. Bella ran her fingers through her hair. I kept a comforting hand on her back and stared at Alice, seeing what she had seen. The picture was fuzzy, but it looked like Bella standing by a hospital bed where a woman lay with her eyes closed. It might have been Renee, but as Alice had said, it was hard to tell. Beside them was machinery: an IV, heart and blood pressure monitor, an EEG, and oxygen. Everything was connected to the woman. Maybe it was the presence of all the equipment, but she didn't look so good. Fear weighed down on me. How many people did this girl have to lose?

Jasper came back quickly. Bella fumbled some with her phone but finally she put it up to her ear as the phone rang. "Be calm. You're not supposed to know anything is wrong, remember?" Jasper reminded her. She nodded.

"Bella?" I heard Phil ask. His voice was gruff and sounded tired.

Bella's voice shook as she answered. "How are you? How's mom?'

"Oh, Bella, your mom is not good. I had to bring her into the hospital early this morning. She had some kind of a seizure. She's got a tumor. They're doing a biopsy right now, but it might be brain cancer, Bells." He sounded terrified.

"Oh God." She began to hyperventilate. I rubbed her back. Alice took one of her hands and Jasper produced a calming sensation.

"I'm sorry I didn't call you sooner. I just didn't know how to tell you after everything you've been through. Besides, if it turns out to be nothing, I didn't want you to worry."

"Even if it's not cancer, Phil, it still might not be good. Did they say whether it is operable?

"They told me a lot of stuff, but honestly, it's all kind of crazy," he said tiredly. "I'm not sure I'm getting everything. I think that they are removing as much of it as they can while they do the biopsy to relieve some of the pressure, but they won't be able to remove it most of it because of where it is."

"I'm coming to Florida."

"No, honey, just stay where you are. I don't want to disrupt you and Jacob." Wait, what? Jacob? Did Renee and Phil not know about the divorce and about us? "Your mom wouldn't want that either."

"I don't care. I'm coming." She gave me a look that said told me to get a ticket right now. I nodded to tell her I understood. I didn't want to leave her though, so I said quietly to Alice, "go get tickets for the two of us and a hotel room for me."

She nodded. "I'll rent a car with tinted windows as well." She went into the house. Jasper stayed outside, maintaining a steady wave of calm for Bella. He was worried, though. He thought, _what is this going to do to her, Edward? _I shook my head. Whatever happened, this didn't bode well.

"All right, honey, if you're determined to come. I'm not sure what there is for you to do."

"That doesn't matter. I need to be there."

"Okay, well, let me know when you're coming."

"Okay. I'll be there as soon as I can. Which hospital?"

She got the rest of the information she needed and then hung up, a dejected look on her face. She turned into my body and I held her. "I can't believe this. My mom. Poor Phil. Oh, God. This is . . . I can't believe this."

"Alice is getting tickets for us."

"Are you coming?"

"Of course. I couldn't let you go out there alone with this going on." After a couple of minutes, I asked, "Do Renee and Phil still think you're married to Jacob?"

I felt the heat of her blush. "Yeah, about that. I haven't had the heart to tell my mom that Jake and I aren't married anymore. She was so worried when I got married. I didn't want her to think . . . well, you know. I just didn't want to disappoint her. I was planning on telling her eventually, but just hadn't gotten around to it"

"I understand."

"I just don't think I can do this." She sniffled. She was crying despite Jasper's influence.

"You can. You can get through it. I'll be here for you, okay? You don't have to do it alone."

"Thanks. I guess I should call Mrs. Glen, that poor lady. I haven't been a very good employee."

"I'm sure she'll understand. You've been through a lot, much more than most people go through in less than a year."

"Do you think I should just quit? I mean, I have no idea how long I'll be in Florida and then there's Vermont and all."

"Do you think you'll want to go straight to Vermont after going to Florida?"

"I don't know. Maybe. Even if I come here, it might not be for long. I'm mostly overwhelmed with the feeling that I just want to move on from all this. I'm so sick of feeling this way."

"Of course."

"I think I'm going to have to quit. I'll be a woman of leisure now." She half-smiled. I returned that half-smile. "I feel so guilty, though."

"Don't. She'll be okay. I think she'll be more concerned for you than about her staffing needs."

"You're probably right. Okay, I'm going to call her."

As I had expected, Mrs. Glen was more upset for Bella's situation than the loss of her as an employee. Bella thanked her for understanding and wished her well. After that, she called Jacob to let him know she was leaving sooner than she had expected. He, too, was upset about Bella's mom, but there wasn't anything he could really do about it.

"I know we sort of said goodbye earlier, but I guess this is really it." She swallowed hard. "Jake, I can't stand the idea that I'll never see you again."

"Hey, this doesn't have to be a permanent separation. We can still visit each other. You can come visit me and Olivia and I'll come see you, Bells. I'll come anytime you need me."

"Thanks, Jake. Bye."

"I hope everything turns out okay. I'm so sorry about this. I'll miss you, but we can keep in touch. Let me know what you find out, okay?"

"Okay. Love you. Bye."

"I love you, Bella, so much. Be safe. Bye." She hung up and turned to me.

"This sucks."

"Yes. Shall we go see what Alice found and get ready to leave?"

"Yeah."

Due to my sparkling skin condition, Alice had to pick a flight that arrived in Florida while it was dark either before dawn or after dusk. It was tricky. In the end, she had us leave on the same flight and then booked a ticket for me on a later second flight so that I would arrive in Florida after the sun went down. She didn't think Bella would want to wait in the airport, so she booked an earlier flight for Bella. She found a hotel close to the hospital and rented a car with tinted windows.

The flight to our layover destination was long and difficult for Bella. Once we landed and Bella turned her phone back on, she had a voicemail from Phil. Before she listened to it, she gripped my hand tightly and gave me a scared look.

I could hear Phil leaving the message. His voice was tearful. "It's cancer, Bella. I'm so sorry. It's not looking good. I'm glad you're coming. You should get a chance to say goodbye." He started crying in earnest then. Once he calmed himself down, he apologized. "Sorry about that. I just can't believe this. It's all so sudden. Anyways, I'll see you when you get here."

Bella's face was white while she listened to the message. After she deleted the message, she asked, "You heard?"

"Yes. I'm so sorry."

She swallowed hard. "People shouldn't have years like the one I've had. Honestly, Edward, I feel like I'm going to just break. The only thing keeping me from losing it is knowing that I have to keep it together for Renee and Phil. That, and I'm afraid that once I lose it, I'll never be able to get over this."

"You will. I promise. You've survived so many things. This is just the only time you anticipated the trial. That's got to make it overwhelming in a whole new way. The rest happened suddenly, but I'm sure that if you had known they were going to happen that you would not have believed that you could get through them. You're much stronger than you think."

"I guess so." She looked at her watch. "I guess we should get to my next flight. They're probably going to board soon."

Before she boarded her next flight, I kissed her deeply, trying to give her some of my own strength. After she left, I felt sort of lost. I hated the fact that we had to be separated during this difficult time just because of the sun. To give me something to do and because I knew I should, I called my family in Vermont. I was sure Alice had filled them in with some of the basic facts, but they would want to know what the doctors had told Phil. I sent a text to Alice saying that it was cancer and that there wasn't a good prognosis from what I could tell and then called Carlisle. Needless to say, everyone was saddened by this newest tragedy in Bella's life. All wondered if this would send her back into the depression she had been in after she lost Laurel. I desperately hoped that it wouldn't be as bad. Thankfully, Bella hadn't been as close with her mother since she had moved to Washington as a teenager. Of course she'd still grieve, but I hoped it wouldn't be as hard for her this time.

When I got to Florida, there was a text message from Bella. It read, "Glioblastoma multiforme, grade 4. Hasn't regained consciousness since seizure. Could only remove very small piece, won't make much of a difference. Prognosis between 3-8 months." I closed my eyes, feeling so sorry for her. That type of brain tumor was the most aggressive, fast-growing type of brain cancer and could be asymptomatic until the tumor had grown to an enormous size.

After picking up the rental car at the airport in Jacksonville, I drove to the hospital as quickly as I could. Once I got there, I sent a message to Bella saying I was there. Bella met me in the lobby and we held each other for a long time.

"Is she still unconscious?"

"Yeah. The doctor said this is from the cerebral edema or something. She was unconscious when she came into the hospital because of the fluid."

"Are they going to do chemotherapy or radiation?"

"No. There is no point at this point. It wouldn't change anything. The tumor isn't really treatable at this stage. If they had been able to remove more of the tumor, she might have been able to have a better prognosis, maybe live for another year. I think they are just going to maintain a low level of treatment: painkillers, anticonvulsants to prevent seizing, and the monitors. They're going to keep her for observation for a couple of days, but after that, we're going to move her to hospice.

"I feel so bad for Phil. Until yesterday, they didn't know anything was wrong. Any problems she had, they attributed to menopause and stuff. Apparently, she's been having pretty severe mood swings, headaches, and had been tired a lot over the past month. She was having some memory problems as well, but she always laughed them off in her usual breezy way. They didn't know to be worried at the time. Then about a week ago, she fainted and fell while she was alone. She had been doing some pretty intense house repairs, so she just figured her blood sugar was low. Now they knew that she had probably had a seizure. Yesterday, Phil woke up find her seizing. He knew that something was definitely wrong then and he called an ambulance. The doctors had said that she had probably been having seizures for a while; only they were probably smaller and perhaps localized or even unnoticeable. Now that the tumor is so large and has butterflied, the seizures have gotten bigger and more serious, like when she fell yesterday morning."

"I'm so sorry, Bella. What can I do?"

She rested her head on my chest. "Nothing. Having you here with me is enough."

"Is Phil still here?"

"No, I sent him home to sleep. I'll stay here tonight."

"I'll stay with you."

The next morning, I left the hospital and hid in the dark car before dawn and tried to read. Bella joined me later in the mid afternoon and I took her back to the hotel for a few hours of sleep before she went back. They were going to send Renee to hospice the next day.

When we got to the hotel and lay down, Bella held me tightly. I thought she was asleep, when she said, "I need to feel more of you." She tugged on my sweater, pulling me closer even though I didn't know how we could be any closer than we already were. She kissed me. I thought I understood now. There was nothing like affection and intimacy to stave off negative feelings. Humans used it the way they used alcohol, drugs, and food. It directed their focus onto something else and numbed the pain. I kissed her for a while but then carefully pulled my body over hers, covering her. This felt so good, so right, as if we were made to be like this, intertwined. Our kissing intensified for a while, but Bella couldn't hold the sleep off for much longer. Her kisses became languid. I kissed her cheek and let her rest, only pulling off of her when I knew she was in a deeper sleep.

All things considered, I was glad I had decided to let myself cross some of those physical lines between the two of us. If I was able to help her through the hard times just through touching her, through being with her in this way, then I was happy. It was not easy. It was still hard to be like that and fight off my impulses, but it made me happy all the same.

When Bella woke up six hours later, I took her back to the hospital. She stayed the night again, only this time Phil stayed as well. This meant that I couldn't stay with her. In a whisper, I told her I wouldn't be far. If she called for me, I'd hear. It would be a boring night, but my life had been filled with enough boredom that I could stand it for one more night. I spent the time listening to all the people working there, some of the patients and their loved ones, and to Bella and Phil's awkward conversation. They had never spent much time together alone. They had always had Renee running interference between them, keeping the conversation from fizzling out. Bella was comfortable with silence, but Phil was one of those people who, although not particularly loquacious himself, was uncomfortable when there was nothing to say. It made him want to fill up the time and space between them with meaningless, awkward conversation that only made the experience more painful.

There was only one point at which the conversation took a turn for the more interesting, although it was painful in its own sort of way.

"So, how's Jake?"

"Um, he's fine."

"I'm surprised he didn't come with you."

"He, um, has school and stuff."

"Oh right. He's going to college now, isn't he?"

"Yeah."

"What's he studying?"

"Mechanical engineering. He's good with that kind of stuff." There was an awkward silence. "Phil," Bella said uncomfortably. "You should know that Jake and I aren't together anymore. We got divorced a few months ago. I didn't tell you and mom and I'm sorry. I didn't want to disappoint her."

At first Phil was just shocked. It took some effort to push aside the grief in his head. When he did this, he felt only concern. She had been dealing with this for months, and on top of Laurel's death? He suddenly wished Renee were able to help him deal with this. "Bella, what happened?"

"We just, we weren't right for each other. It wasn't working out."

He felt angry now. This was the kind of thing that Renee said about every project she gave up on. It was the same thing she said when she had wanted to break up with him. A marriage wasn't a project. That's what he had told Renee. A marriage wasn't something to just give up on because it wasn't perfect. "I'm sorry to say this, but that sounds like a pile of bullshit to me. If you didn't work out, it's because one or both of you has decided that you didn't want it to."

"It's complicated."

"Life generally is." A suspicion dawned on him. He had heard of couples breaking up because of the death of a child. "What happened, Bella? Was it because of Laurel?"

"No . . . He met someone." I could hear the tumult in her voice. I knew it hurt her to say something that would sound disloyal to Jacob or that would put him in a bad light.

Phil was infuriated. How could Jake have cheated on his Bella? After everything they had been through! And besides, Jake had loved Bella. There had never been any question about that. He had been crazy about her! It had been so obvious. Every look, every touch had been about love, tenderness, and commitment. "He cheated on you? That son of a—"

"No," she said quickly. "He didn't cheat on me. It was more complicated than that."

Phil wondered if maybe what Bella had said was true and it had been more complicated than just out-right infidelity. Maybe it was more of an emotional thing. Jake was a friendly kid. Maybe he had been confiding in someone else or relying on another woman more than her. It didn't seem like something Jake would have done, but again, maybe things had been tough at home since Laurel's death and he had turned to someone else for help. "Emotional cheating is still cheating, Bella," Phil said, determined to not let this go until he got some answers.

"Look, I don't want to talk about this anymore. It's hard to explain, but we're still friends. We both are with other people now and we're both happy."

Phil took a deep breath and tried to calm down. He didn't want to make things worse. He wondered if his own shock and grief over Renee was making him less sympathetic. He didn't want to upset Bella any more. "I'm sorry for being hard on you. No wonder you didn't want to tell us. I guess it's easier to focus on someone else's problems than your own." He shot a glance at Renee. "So, you're with someone else now?"

"Yeah. Um, his name is Edward."

_Whoa, whoa, whoa_, he thought_._ "Didn't you date a guy in high school named Edward?"

"Yeah, it's the same guy."

"Didn't he break your heart?" Bella had been a mess after that guy left her.

"Yeah, but it's okay now. He's changed a lot, realized a lot of things."

Phil wanted to push this some more. After all, he didn't want to see Bella have her heart broken again, but he held back since he had already remonstrated with her over Jacob. He let his feelings of uneasiness go and smiled at her. "I'm glad you're happy, honey. You deserve it, especially after everything you've been through. I only wish you didn't have to go through this now." He shook his head and then rested his forehead on his hand. Bella came over to him and rested a hand on his shoulder, comforting him.

They were mostly quiet for the rest of the night and eventually both fell into a light sleep in their chairs. I ghosted back into the room then. I quietly read Renee's chart although it was not really my business. It looked really bad. I sighed unhappily and then stood next to Bella. I kissed her hair. She looked up at me and smiled. "Come with me," I whispered. I wanted to distract her, even if only for a couple of minutes.

I took her down the corridor to a roomy closet. It didn't have any medical supplies or anything someone might need soon. I backed her up against the closed door and kissed her. I was getting better at this.

Between kisses, she whispered. "You make me feel like a horny teenager when you do things like this. All this making out without going anywhere with it."

"Well, I _am_ a horny teenager, so it's understandable that I should make you feel like one too." I laughed and she laughed too, then I whispered huskily in her ear, "However, we will get somewhere with it." It was a promise. Maybe not tonight, maybe not tomorrow, but someday I would take her, and when I did, it would be for forever.


	26. Desperation

**I don't own Twilight. No copyright infringement intended.**

**I was going to hold out on you all until I got more reviews, but then I decided that was mean. So here you go! I hope you like this one! I have a feeling that some of you will. **

**Be kind and review. It makes me so happy to hear from readers! **

**By the way, I know I already thanked you, but thanks again to the couple of people who shared their own experiences and loss of loved ones from cancer and who took the time to ask me about my own experiences with the same disease. My heart and thoughts are with you and your loved ones.  
**

_**Warning:**_ **This chapter has some darker Edward imagery and a little more intense sensuality, so be warned. This chapter was why I changed the rating to M.**

**~oOo~  
**

Renee died the day after going into hospice even though the doctors had said it could have been months. The pressure of the tumor and edema was too much for her brain and she had gradually and quietly slipped from unconsciousness into death. At first, Bella was in some sort of shock. It was hard to go from thinking that she would have months to say goodbye to suddenly finding out that there was no more time to say it. Renee had never woken up long enough for her to say it. The time was past and Renee was gone.

After Renee passed away, we left the facility, putting off the arrangements for the morning and went to the hotel in complete dead silence. It wasn't until we reached the hotel that she lost it. And the way she lost it wasn't what I had been expecting at all.

She dropped her bag onto the floor and lay on the bed. I lay down beside her, hoping to give her comfort with my proximity. The silence finally broke and she began to cry and she clung to me tighter than she had ever done before. Her whole body shook with the force of her sobs. There was something so desperate about the way she cried and held onto me that it made me want to give her anything she asked of me. Considering all the things she wanted from me, this was a rather dangerous position to be in.

I was right to be worried about what her despair might lead her to ask of me. She wrapped her arms around my neck, pressed her body against mine, and kissed me in a way that was hard to misinterpret. I gave into her desperation and kissed her back. A voice in the back of my mind warned me about what might happen if I gave in when we were feeling this way, but I ignored it. I was on fire and I wanted so badly to give in this once, to let Bella take the reins and lead us, to let her take from me what she would and give it all to her willingly. I also desperately wanted to heal her aching sorrow, to help her forget her pain.

At first, my own lips might not have been moving with the same level of passion because I was afraid of her desperation and its obvious effect on me, but as Bella's kisses and movements responded feverishly to my tentative ones, the level of heat between us increased. She wrapped a leg around my hip, bringing us closer together. Her trembling hands ran down my chest and abdomen. When she reached the bottom of my shirt, she tugged it up. I helped her pull it off. Pushing her gently, I rolled on top of her, holding my upper body weight up with my arms on either side of her. It was nothing more than we had already been done, so I allowed it, afraid that if I refused I would upset her even more. As I continued to kiss her, she unbuttoned her blouse and pulled it off. This was new. Once her soft, soft skin met mine, I came undone. All the armor inside of me unraveled like it had been made of yarn instead of metal all along. Her hips bucked against mine, and, with a gasp, I met them with a similar push. Her legs wrapped around my hips, meeting and intertwining behind my back. I was locked in her embrace, my body flush against hers. With one hand, I cupped one of her round breasts encased in lace. I broke my lips from hers and kissed down her feverish neck, licking and sucking as I went down. My jaw ached. I could feel the lust—the sexual and the blood and I wanted to bite that thin skin and feel her hot, luscious blood fill my mouth. I couldn't imagine anything more erotic than drinking from her while I— This thought stopped me short. As soon as it entered my mind, I threw myself out of her arms. I froze by the doorway, needing an escape but afraid to leave her, afraid of how she'd interpret my sudden departure, afraid of what emotions it would bring on.

Behind me, Bella still lay on the bed panting and gasping. I could smell the hormones coursing through her body and the scent of something different. As soon as I understood what this smell was, I forced it out of my mind. My breathing got faster and faster as my panic increased. I was frozen, locked where I was. I couldn't leave her, but I needed to get out before I did something unforgivable.

I turned to look at her with desperate eyes. She met my gaze. Her skin was still flushed from our passion, but there were tears in her eyes. "Go," she said. She said it gently, not a command but a gift. She understood.

Throwing my shirt on, I ran out the door and onto the landing outside. At first, I stayed there, gripping the railing and looked out at the ocean. It wasn't enough. I had to move, to burn this energy—the anger, the sadness, the desperation, the hunger, the thirst. There was a deep, dark pit inside of me. Inside of that pit was a monster I recognized by its red eyes and feral growl. Running so fast that no one would see me, so fast that the wind would whip the hair of anyone I passed, I ran towards the wilderness. Once there, I found a Florida panther. I ripped into its throat savagely, groaning as the blood filled my mouth and slid down my throat. I sank to my knees, sucking every last drop into the empty pit inside of me, filling it, pacifying the appetite of the monster. Usually, I was careful when I hunted. I didn't allow blood to drip down my face or onto my clothing, nor did I hunt endangered animals. This time, I wasn't being so careful. I felt like a true beast as drops of blood from the forbidden animal dripped onto my previously immaculate shirt. I growled once the panther was dry and launched away to find another animal. Nothing in this darkness was safe from me tonight.

Finally, the anger and emptiness decreased and reason returned to me. I sank into the muddy water and let out a broken sob. I hadn't broken my promise to never drink from a human again, but I had never felt more sinful than tonight.

I didn't stay in the muddy water for long. I knew that I shouldn't let Bella be alone for much longer. Who knew what she was thinking while she lay in that hotel room completely alone while her beast of a boyfriend stalked prey?

When I came back to the hotel room, I was contrite. Keeping my eyes on the floor, I knelt on the floor at the edge of the bed. "Bella," I whispered. It was all I could manage. What else could I say?

I heard her shift and sit up. She got off the bed and walked towards me. I watched her bare feet come towards me. She put her hands on my face. I shivered.

"Edward," she said. I maintained my submissive position. "Edward," she repeated. "Look at me." I looked up. Her face was wan and sad. "I'm sorry." This quiet apology cut deep into me. Why was she apologizing? My gaze on her became hard, but she met my eyes evenly. "You lost control," she stated, not asked. "Was it as bad as you were afraid it would be?"

I dropped my eyes again. "Worse," I whispered.

"Tell me about it."

"I can't. I'm-I'm too ashamed."

"Hey, listen to me. Don't feel ashamed. Tell me."

"I wanted to bite your neck. I almost did. I could feel it in my jaw— the venom, the hunger. I wanted to feed from you while I—" I broke off. I couldn't admit to this depravity. She didn't say anything for a long while, so I finally met her eyes again. Was I looking for forgiveness in this look? How could I possibly deserve that?

She nodded to tell me that she understood. Her eyes were kind now. What did that mean? She ran her fingers along my face and jaw. "So, why didn't you?" Her voice was soft.

I rest my head against her thighs. "I can't lose you, Bella. Once I knew what I was thinking, what I wanted, I got away from you."

"So you stopped yourself." I nodded. "And you went hunting. I can tell by your shirt. Animals? Your eyes have gold in them." I nodded again. "I understand why you haven't been hunting since we came here, but you shouldn't do that to yourself, it's not safe." I nodded again. "Are you in control now?" I stiffened but nodded. "I need to feel close to you tonight, Edward. I need intimacy."

"Bella, I can't—" I began, but she didn't let me finish.

"I won't ask you to make love to me tonight. This is obviously not a good time. I'm too needy, you're thirsty, and you would give me anything I asked for right now. Am I right?" Not everything, not anymore, but she was very near to being right. I nodded. "We don't have to make love, but I need to feel close to you. Will you let me clean you?" I stiffened. This sounded like she wanted to take care of me, like I was the wounded party tonight. "I need to take care of you," she said as if she could hear my thoughts. "It makes me feel stronger," she added. I nodded and picked myself up. I'd let her clean me and I'd return the favor, but there would be no other intimacies tonight.

Taking my hand, she led me to the bathroom where she turned on the hot water. She felt it with her hands until it was the right temperature and then turned on the shower. She stood back up and in front of me. She pulled my shirt off for the second time tonight. After it was off, she pulled off her own shirt. I kept my eyes on hers, not daring to look down as she unclasped her bra. My breathing was heavy now. After her bra dropped to the floor, she unbuttoned my filthy trousers. While she unbuttoned her own and tugged them down, I pushed my own to the floor, sending my undergarments with them. All that was left were her panties. She pulled them off while I stared into her eyes.

"You can look at me," she whispered softly into my chest.

I did as she said. I looked down at her body in front of me. She was beautiful, all cream, roses, and graceful curves. Tiny freckles sporadically danced on the surface of her skin. As I looked at her lovely body, the pit inside of me finally closed and I felt human, so human—nervous, excited, and longing.

She looked at me, too. Her gaze wasn't curious or appraising; it was tender and loving. She drew aside the shower curtain, and taking my hand again, led me under the hot spray. She stood me directly below the water. It poured down onto my skin, heating it. I felt her hand, holding a soft washcloth, wipe my neck and shoulders. I closed my eyes, letting the sensations pour over me. The cloth ran down my chest and abdomen.

"Turn around," she said softly. I did as she requested. She ran the cloth over my back, and down, down further. I tensed, but then relaxed when her touch did nothing but clean my skin. I felt her kneel. The cloth ran down and around my legs, my feet. I turned again, still with my eyes closed. After she finished wiping my feet, I felt her soft lips touch them. I gasped. I felt a kiss on my knees, my stomach. She stood and kissed my chest, my shoulders, my neck, and then finally my lips. This last kiss lingered.

I opened my eyes and met hers. Without breaking that look, I reached for a new towel. I lathered it in the fragrant soap and began the process she had done for me. Touching her all over like this was erotic, not doubt about it, but it was also tender, more like ministrations of a mother for her child than a lover for his partner, and so the fire that burned in my belly maintained only a low flame. When I stood back up after washing her feet and kissing my way up the way she had, I kissed her lips. The water that ran down her face tasted differently. There was salt in this water. Was she crying? I took her into my arms and held her under the spray. She shivered at the combination of my cold skin and the hot water.

"I'm sorry," I whispered in her ear. "I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry for leaving you seven years ago. I'm sorry for your loss of Laurel and Jacob. I'm sorry about Charlie, even though I wasn't around when he died. I'm sorry that I wasn't there to comfort you during that time. I am sorry about your mother. I'm sorry that you have lost all of your family. I am sorry, so sorry about tonight, for letting things get so far, for not being strong enough, for not having enough control over myself. I'm sorry I haven't been feeding as often I as I need to. I'm sorry I wanted to do those things to you. I'm sorry that I left you alone tonight, even though it was necessary."

I was surprised she let me apologize like that. Usually she tried to stop me, but tonight she let me pour it all out. My insides were beginning to feel clean again. I was home.

When we got out of the shower, we toweled each other off and got into soft, warm clothes. We climbed into the bed. Bella's eyes were heavy. Her body was relaxed. Her grip on me was firm, but it was not desperate anymore.

"Thank you," she whispered into the hollow of my throat.

"Thank you," I returned, kissing the top of her head.

~oOo~

When Bella woke up the next morning, she was facing me. She just sort of stared into my eyes for a while. "How are you?" I asked.

Instead of answering me right away, she kissed my lips softly. "Thank you for last night."

I rested my head against hers. "I wish that I could have—"

"Sh, it's okay. Last night wasn't the right time. Seeing me like that was probably really upsetting for you besides the fact that you were already thirsty and I took things to a whole new level you weren't prepared for." She sighed. "I'm going to go take a shower."

"Another one?"

"Yeah, I just need a shower, okay?"

There was something in her voice that made me uneasy, but I let her go without pressing the issue further.

The shower went on and I heard her tug her clothes off. I thought about last night and felt a burning inside the region of my heart. Then I heard a noise beyond the running water. She was crying. Is that why she had needed to take a shower? I wished I could go to her, to help her somehow, but I knew I shouldn't interfere. In fact, I stepped out of the room and stood underneath the shaded patio until she was done. I could still hear her, but this at least gave the illusion of privacy.

Even though we were together, I still needed to allow her privacy. Although it is helpful to have people around to support you when you grieve, grief still remains a private thing. There are some kinds of sadness that no one can touch or take away until you are ready to let them go. Sometimes you needed space to let those feelings out in a way that doesn't feel possible when you were in front of someone and being scrutinized for signs of weakness.

I waited until I heard the bathroom door open and then went back in to change my clothes for the day. "Hey," she said.

"Hey."

"Where did you go?"

"Just outside. I figured you wanted privacy since you had to take a shower in order to do that." At first she looked embarrassed, but then she came over to me and kissed the palm of one of my hands.

"So what all do you have to do today?"

"Just work on funeral arrangements mostly. I'm supposed to meet Phil to pick out the casket and urn in about forty-five minutes."

"Did she want to be cremated?"

"Yeah." She smiled half a smile. "She wanted to be sprinkled in the ocean. Her stipulation was that it is in a sunny place."

"Not First Beach, then?" I joked.

She grinned. "No, my mom hated Washington. We'll probably do it here in Florida. That way Phil can still feel close to her when he looks at the ocean."

"That's nice."

"I think that if I were to die, I'd want the same thing, to be sprinkled somewhere wild and beautiful so that my loved ones could feel close to me when they looked at it, so that in their minds, I'd be connected to that beautiful place."

I had to look away while containing my feelings. I didn't like thinking about her dying. When I looked back at her, she looked at me curiously. Neither of us said anything.

Since it was daytime and the sun was doing its usual bright and shining thing, Bella had to take the car while I stayed in the hotel alternating between being overwhelmed with boredom, stress, and intoxication from the memories from the night before. It had been an amazing night in many ways. I would be a liar if I said that I didn't enjoy the feel of her skin against mine, the passion, and insistence of those few moments, but I still felt guilt. It was that moral compass that remained inside of me, directing me even though I no longer had any hope for redemption.

I thought again about how much I wanted to give her my body not just because of my passionate desire but because I had consecrated it for her. As I had done a few couple of days before, I thought again how it all came back to marriage, for me at least, though I knew that others might disagree. I wanted to stand before the world and her and vow to cherish her for eternity before I made love to her body. To me, the two things were inextricably connected. However, there was a part of me that wondered if I would ever be able to give her my body, while she was human at least. I wanted to give her this gift, particularly since she wanted it so very much, but what if I was unable to? How could I do it without breaking her?

Maybe Bella was right and the reason I had such a hard time the night before was because of the other factors that had been involved: the suddenness of the attack, my thirst, the intensity of the moment, her distress, and my absolute desperation to help her somehow. It had been too overwhelming for me. The night we had gotten the news about her mother, in the kitchen, hadn't been as difficult. It was a little bit, but I hadn't been so overcome with emotions that time. Maybe the thing I was trying that evening would be the key. Be calm, be patient, be controlled, and make it about Bella, not me. I would try, but first, and I felt how important this was to me, I would marry her. At this conclusion, I pulled the small blue velvet box out of my suitcase and tilted and twisted it so that the ring sparkled in the dull light of the hotel room.

I heard from Alice and Jasper that day, asking how Bella was and later from Esme after she had heard the news from Alice. After talking to Esme for a few minutes about how Bella was coping, I asked to speak with Carlisle.

"He's not here, but I know he would like to speak with you. Why don't you try his cell phone?"

I called Carlisle, suddenly desperate for fatherly advice. "Edward! I was hoping you would call. I heard about Renee. How is Bella doing?"

"There are times when she seems like she is coping pretty well, all things considered, but then other times when. . . well, she's made me down-right nervous."

"What do you mean?" he asked a little more sharply.

"I've been trying to slowly build up our physical relationship, for her, of course, because you know that I would wait forever for that girl if it was solely about me."

"Yes. How is it going?"

"Um, okay for the most part." I told him about my mantra of self-control and how it had worked to a certain extent.

"That sounds like it is helpful, making it about her instead of you. I know this is kind of personal, but I think it is pertinent, but that is how it was with Esme in the beginning. As you know, she was pretty scarred from her marriage, although she didn't actively remember everything. You remember how she reacted to close proximity to men, even to you and me."

"Yes."

"Well, she trusted me by the time we got married, of course, but I still had to go slowly. I wasn't sure whether it would bring back memories, physical memories at least. I was right to do that. It was difficult in the beginning, but I told her and myself again and again that what I wanted was to make her happy and make her feel good. I still enjoyed making love to her, but it wasn't about me. That helped both of us. I was better able to be patient and she learned to trust me all the more because I stuck to it and was never hasty or demanding. Whatever we did was her decision."

"Thank you for telling me that."

"Of course. If you had been around during that time, you would have seen and heard it for yourself, I guess."

"Yes, but that would have meant a lot less privacy for the two of you. All things considered, I'm glad I was away so you could finally be with her. It might have taken longer if she had been aware of my ability to hear and know everything that was going on."

"I missed you while you were gone, but yes, I'm glad Esme and I had that time to work things out between us." He paused. "Edward, you're doing the right thing."

"Thanks. I'm glad you think so. There's something else I wanted to tell you. Hopefully Alice hasn't already told everyone."

"What is it?" he asked.

"I bought a ring for Bella." I told him about how I found it and how it looked similar to the ring my mother wore. "I've been thinking that I want to marry her before anything else. Do you think that I would be asking too much if I asked her if we could wait until we are married to consummate our relationship? I want to do this right."

"I think that if she's a smart girl, which she is, and really loves you, which she does, she'll understand why this is important to you. It might not be important to her, but she'll see it is to you. You're acceding to her wish to try for intimacy while she is human, so it is reasonable for her to agree to wait until after marriage. It's a good compromise, I think."

"Thanks."

"Edward, I want you to know that I am proud of you. You have come a long way from the tempestuous, moody, and reserved boy I changed all those years ago."

I nodded but then realized he wouldn't be able to see that. "Thanks for that and for everything."

"You're welcome. When is the ceremony for Renee?"

"I imagine it will be either tomorrow or the next day."

"Are you going to come straight to Vermont after that, or do you think you'll go back to Forks?"

"I'm not sure. I'll have to talk to her. I want to wait until Renee's ashes are scattered before I ask."

"Okay, well, give our love to Bella and tell her that we hope to see her soon. It's hard having the family spread out like this."


	27. Saying Goodbye

Chapter Twenty-seven

**I don't own Twilight. **

It wasn't until two days later that the cremation ceremony was held. By special request, the ceremony was held in the evening, just after the sun had set. After the ashes were put in the urn, Phil and Bella thanked the few other people who had come to the ceremony and then the three of us drove to the ocean and got on a boat so that Bella and Phil could scatter the ashes out at sea. Both Bella and Phil had written letters to Renee, which they read aloud before freeing the ashes in the wind. Bella's letter was the following:

_Dear Renee,_

_It seems significant to me that your name means "reborn." Throughout our life together, I have known you as and called you by many different names: mama, mom, mother, and Renee. I have seen you take on many roles, try out many different scenes, always with the hope that this would be the one that would bring you happiness and peace and turn your life into something greater than it already was. _

_Our relationship, too, went through many changes. From being the source of all knowledge, you became the fun mom who would let me paint my toenails and never yelled at me when I spilled some on the floor. From that mom, you became the one who embarrassed me with her unending enthusiasm for new things, for new project— projects that never seemed to get finished. From the embarrassment of my early teenage years, you became a friend, sometimes even a confidante. You became a sister, sometimes even a younger sister. Just as you had warned me and protected me as a young child, I tried to warn and protect you the best way I knew how. I never wanted to see you hurt, the way you are often were when you were unable to find the right cure, the right thing to fill your emptiness inside. _

_Although I came to see myself as the grown-up in our relationship, someone who could look on your projects with objectivity, though now I see that it was just disdain, it turns out that you were the one who was right, mom. There was something out there for you that would bring you greater happiness. Your crazy idea of dating that minor league baseball player, who was your junior by several years, turned out to be the best one you ever had. He, more than anything else, made you happy. Maybe __it was because he, unlike the other projects you took on, never quit caring for you when you tried to throw him aside. Maybe it was because true love does exist, albeit in occasionally strange forms. _

_Can you blame me for feeling left out when you married him? I was unable to remake myself the way you had always been able to do. I was used to taking care of you and suddenly I didn't have to. Can you blame me for putting distance in between us? I do. Maybe I felt like I was just another project that had been thrown aside, or maybe it was just my pride. I blame myself for being unable to adapt, for letting that distance grow, for not fighting for the relationship, for not fighting for the mother I had known and loved._

_I wish I had swallowed my hurt and my pride. I wish I had told you, had the words to tell you that you were always much more than you thought of yourself. You were a part of something bigger, something important. You meant everything to me, and what is more than everything? _

_I'm sorry for the distance, mom. I'm sorry we didn't get to say goodbye while you could still hear and feel me. I'm sorry that it has been so long since I said 'I love you.' _

_Well mom, here I am, standing in front of the vast Atlantic Ocean, sending you to your final resting place, and telling you that I love you. I hope that wherever you are, whatever you may be doing, you are at peace and rest. _

_I'll never forget you._

_Your loving daughter,_

_Bella_

Phil had a hard time reading his letter, but once he got through it, he embraced Bella and the two of them walked to the car with their arms around each other.

"Thanks for coming, Edward. It was sure nice of you to fly out to help Bella get through this," he said in a strained voice as we got in the car.

I told him, "Of course." Ever since Bella had told Phil that she was with me again and when we were introduced, things had been awkward. He felt uncomfortable around me. He couldn't shake his intuition that there was something not right about me. He made an effort to be nice to me all the same for Bella's sake. I appreciated his efforts.

Instead of going back to the hotel, Bella went over to her mom's house with Phil because, as he said, "I need a little something to pick me up and I'd love to have some company." I felt strange about it and I knew Phil felt uncomfortable about my coming as well, but I came along because Bella asked me to come.

When we got to the house, Phil pulled some alcohol out of a cupboard, sat down on the couch, and poured Bella and himself a tall, straight drink. He offered to pour one for me, but I told him I didn't drink.

"Oh, well, I guess that's good. It's bad for you anyways," he told me before chugging his alcohol and then pouring himself another. Bella took a small sip and winced. I squeezed her hand. "That was a really nice letter you read, Bella," he said after downing his second glass. "Your mom, I think she would have understood. You know, she always felt bad about the way she took off with me when we got serious and then married. After things cooled down a bit, she felt really bad for not sticking around. I felt bad, too. I think that when you went through that depression," he shot a wary look at me, "she thought that if she had just stuck around, you wouldn't have had to go through that. Though I guess if the one guy isn't around to break your heart, another one will. When Laurel died, she regretted it again. She wished you two had been closer so she could have helped you more."

"I know," Bella said quietly. "I regret so many things about our relationship."

Phil began to fill his glass for the third time. "Well, I hope you can take some comfort in the fact that your mom loved you no matter what, and I think she knew you loved her, even if you two didn't talk about it much. I don't regret meeting and marrying your mom, but I do regret the fact that it shook you up so much and sent you running. A girl needs her mom, no matter how grown-up she feels and acts."

"I was happy for you. Sure I felt somewhat replaced, but I wanted my mom to have someone special to make her happy and to take care of her in ways I couldn't take care of her."

"I appreciate that, Bella. You are a good daughter. I'm just sorry I've been such a lousy step-father."

"You aren't a lousy step-father."

"Thanks. So, how long are you staying?"

Bella looked up at me before she responded. "I'm not sure. I'd like to stay long enough to help you deal with everything. I know it can be overwhelming."

"You've got that right. I don't even know where to begin."

Bella hesitated before answering. "We'll have to go through her things."

Phil sighed, his thoughts heavy. A sense of finality, of never being able to go back pressed down on his shoulders and in his gut. He clenched his fists and held back the painful emotions battering inside of him. If he didn't stay calm, he wasn't sure if he'd ever be able to control himself again. He wanted so badly to scream and yell and to curse Renee for leaving him. He wanted to cry, but he wouldn't let Bella see him like this. He had to hold it together for her.

"I guess so." He paused. "I think your mom would've wanted you to have some of her things."

"I would like that."

"Okay. I want you to take whatever you want, but I'm not sure if I'm ready to get rid of anything else yet." In his head, he thought, _I'm not ready to let go of her, not yet. Don't know if I'll ever be able to. No other woman in the world could live up to Renee. Oh, God, I'm going to miss her._

After Phil had these thoughts, suddenly he wanted to be alone more than anything else. He mused on how grief had done this to other people he had known. It made them so desperate for company one minute, and then, before they knew it, they couldn't stand being around anyone and wanted to be alone again. Once they were alone, they felt desperate for company again. He knew his feelings were all about loneliness, not just for anyone, but loneliness for _that_ person, the one he was missing—Renee. The loneliness wouldn't leave him even if he was around other people; he felt that now. It would hang about his neck like a stone, making him feel even lonelier when he was with people than when he was actually alone, because somehow, feeling that way around people made him feel broken and irreconcilably different from everyone else. But then again, thinking about other people's experiences, he knew that being alone wouldn't alleviate the pain either. The weight of emptiness, that stone, wouldn't go away. Right now, it felt like the weight of it would suffocate him, would pull him into the earth, to the sea, and then drown him But he wouldn't die, because no matter how much the grief hurt, it wouldn't actually kill him. Instead, _she_ would start to haunt him, something that might be harder for her to do when he was with others. And the problem with ghosts was that they always hung just out of reach. He would speak to her and she would be nowhere to be found; he would reach out to touch her and there would be nothing but empty space beside him. No matter whom he was with, or whether he was alone, he would feel short-of-breath, faint, and like he was slowly dying. But he wouldn't die; it wouldn't end. He didn't know which was worse. But for now, he thought, he'd settle for being haunted by Renee rather than being without her at altogether.

Listening to his musings, I thought back to when I had been without Bella. I remembered that feeling of drowning or suffocating. It felt as if no amount of air I took in could fill me or rejuvenate me. Of course breathing was unnecessary for me, but somehow I recognized this feeling. I could feel in my body the difference of when I was with Bella and when I wasn't. And Bella, too, had haunted me. I felt for this man. He was a slow, steady sort of man, a lot like Charlie had been. Underneath his still, clear waters was a lot more depth of feeling and wisdom than one would initially expect. I respected him and felt for his pain almost as much as I did for Bella's, perhaps more. At least she had my family and me to support her, but Phil was alone now. Bella and he had never been close enough for either of them to find solace and comfort in each other's presences after this initial stage.

"Well," he said slowly, trying to compose himself long enough to get away from us, "I think I'm going to head to bed. Stay as long as you like." He walked unsteadily over to a shelf of books and pulled out a couple of photo albums. "Here, you might want to look at these. You can have any you want. We can make copies if you want some of the ones I'd like to hang on to." He placed a hand on Bella's shoulder. "Good night, Bella." He took a step towards the stairs, but then came back, picked up the bottle of alcohol, and then headed back to the stairs. Before climbing them, he turned back a little. His eyes rested on Bella shortly, but then rested on me. He raised the bottle to me in salute and with some gratitude and then took a swig before taking the first step up. Despite everything, he found that he was glad I was here. I'd take care of Bella. That was one thing he didn't have to worry about.

Amidst the smell of booze and Bella's heady scent, I smelled saltwater. Tears. I looked at Bella. Sure enough, her eyes were damp. She rubbed them before the moisture trickled down. I scooted closer to her on the couch and wrapped an arm around her. She fingered the photo albums on her lap as if unsure about whether she was ready to see what was inside.

"I'd like to see them," I said quietly, brushing my lips against the top of her head. She snuggled closer and lifted my arm that wasn't already around her and wrapped it around her so that I was hugging her. I felt her hot breath on my chest. It sounded pained. I kissed her head and held her tightly, lending her my strength.

When she was ready, Bella pulled away from me and faced forward again. She slowly lifted the cover of the first album. The first page was of Charlie and Renee at the hospital with an infant in Charlie's arms. Neither Charlie, nor Renee, was looking into the camera. They were both gazing adoringly at the baby. The love in this photo was palpable. I smelled tears again. Bella's finger gently touched her father's face. "Dad," she whispered. She touched her mother's face. I touched Bella's cheek and caught the tear that fell from her eyes. "They were so young," she commented, but there was no disapproval in her voice. Out of her purse, she pulled out a stack of Post-it notes. She marked the page. I knew why she was doing it: as a reminder that she wanted this particular picture, but the fact that she carried Post-it notes in her purse struck me as being kind of funny. I laughed and told her so.

She smiled wryly back at me. "Yeah, it's kind of weird, but they come in handy. I use them a lot."

I smiled again and shook my head. We turned back to the pictures. We went through all three of the albums. With the exception of the third album, which was made up of pictures of Renee and Phil's courtship and marriage when Bella wasn't around as much, Bella told me the stories behind the pictures she remembered. Throughout the process, some tears were shed, but it never got to be as bad as it had been the night after Renee died. If anything, these pictures seemed to be helping. I asked Bella about this.

"You are doing really well, sweetheart. I was just wondering, is looking at these pictures and telling me about them helpful for you?"

She thought about this. "Yes," she said slowly. "It helps me remember all of the good times we had together. Renee may have died too young, but she lived such a full life. She did more in her 45 years than many people do in 80. Somehow, that makes me feel a little better. It used to bug me that Renee was always looking for the next big thing, but now I'm glad she did. It makes what happened seem a little bit more fair in a way. I mean, it's not _really_ fair, but maybe it's more fair than if she had never got the chance to live such a full and adventurous life."

"It seems you're mother was quite the woman."

"Yes." She leaned into my shoulder. "She was extraordinary. I only wish I had seen it earlier." After she said this, we were quiet again, letting this statement fill the space in the room. I noticed that she was playing with the wooden wolf charm on the bracelet Jacob had given her. Was she thinking of him or about Laurel? I wasn't going to bring either up at this juncture.

"Are you ready to go back to the hotel?" I asked her.

"Yeah, I guess so. Let me leave a note for Phil."

I smiled and teasingly tugged a piece of her hair. "Going to write it on a Post-it note?"

She blushed. "Yes." She made a small laughing noise. "A purple one. I ran out of blue." She scribbled a note saying that we went back to the hotel, but to call when he wanted company again or some help with anything, that she had marked the pictures she wanted copies of, and then thanked him for letting her look through the albums.

After we got back to the hotel, Bella told me she wanted to take a shower. I looked at her in some concern. Did she just want to get clean, or was she looking for a place of privacy? She smiled at me gently, probably perfectly aware of what I was thinking, but reassuring me that she was okay. I was happy that she seemed to be okay, but I was on edge, wary. How long would this calm last? Was I a bad boyfriend for not believing that everything was fine and for being sure that there were inevitably going to be more moments of absolutely heart-wrenching grief to come? Was I a bad boyfriend to be waiting and watching for her to fall apart again?

I lay on the bed thinking about this, worrying that I would hear the sounds of crying from inside the bathroom. The tears did not come while she was in the shower. I was somewhat relieved by that. If she had cried, I wasn't sure whether I would grant her privacy this time. It would be awfully hard to keep myself from getting in with her just so that I could hold her. After she got out of the shower and climbed into the bed, she curled into her usual position right next to me and closed her eyes. The night that followed was wasn't easy for her. I could tell that she was in an out of sleep a lot. She never slept for a longer than 45 minutes to an hour in one stretch. There were many times while she was awake when quiet tears spilled down her cheeks.

The night wasn't easy for me either. Every time she awoke, every time tears spilled down her cheeks and onto her pillow or onto my chest, I longed to ask her what she was thinking, how she was feeling, but I kept my mouth shut. These were stupid questions to ask, but I wasn't sure how to cross the gulf I felt between us. She was so close to me, yet so absolutely alone in her pain. There was no panacea I could offer. Neither of us spoke that night.

A/N: I'm sorry that this one was so short. I tried adding some more stuff at the end, but it all just felt wrong. Be kind and review!


	28. Distant

Chapter Twenty-Eight

**No copyright infringement intended.**

We didn't stay in Florida for long. After that first night when he asked for company, Phil didn't seem to want anything else. We helped where we could but there wasn't much he wanted help with. He wasn't ready to go through Renee's things, or contact her friends. Closing her bank account, cancelling some of her credit cards, and closing her memberships were some of the only things Bella ended up doing for Phil.

I put off buying plane tickets until the very end, not entirely sure of what Bella wanted. To be honest, I was afraid to ask. She was the kind of person who took her duties very seriously. I could tell that it rankled her to do so little for Phil. She would find it difficult to leave him behind, to move on without doing what she could. She was the type who found psychological protection in the cathectic activity of helping others. As long as she had a purpose, a duty, as long as she felt somewhat in control by being the one to provide for another, she was able to stave off unwanted emotions— emotions like guilt, fear, and abandonment. She had been doing so well coming to terms with losing Laurel and Jacob and now the loss of her mother had to be bringing it all back to the surface. I could see it in the tight set of her shoulders, her frequent irritability, the dark skin underneath her eyes, the sleepless nights, and the way that she sometimes clung to me, looking for comfort, or pushed me away. More often than not, she was pushing me away. There was a battle going on inside of her. She must have been hideously afraid to go back to the dark place where she had been, and yet, what else could she do since she was denied any other source of comfort?

After a week-and-a-half of waiting and not doing much and feeling like a useless lump, I finally asked her what she wanted to do and what I could do. It was the morning, and Bella was pushing scrambled eggs around her plate, not eating. She hadn't spoken to me, or reached for me, or even looked at me much in 16 hours and 23 minutes. When I had tried to hold her the night before, she had blocked me with her arms and then turned away from me. I spoke quietly now so as not to alarm her. She was lost in some kind of abstraction. "Bella, what do you want to do?"

He eyes flickered up to meet mine. They held no interest. "What do you mean?"

"I mean in terms of whether you want to stay longer, or go to Vermont, or back to Washington."

"I don't know," she said with an exasperated voice. "Stop asking me."

"I don't mean to start an argument, but this is the first time I have brought it up," I said carefully.

"But you've been thinking about it. You think that I should be normal again, that I should just go back to happy with you and your family, but that isn't going to happen. I can't just forget everything that has happened."

"Bella, I'm sorry if that is what you think I want from you, but it isn't. I realize that you are going through—that you have been going through—very difficult things. I don't expect you to just bounce back as if nothing at all had happened. I would just like to know what you want so that I can act accordingly."

The angry tension in her body relaxed and she slumped her head in her hands. "I want to go home."

I wasn't sure what she meant by home. Did she want to go to the new house in Vermont, to Phil's house, to my family's home in Washington, to her old house in Forks? Where did she want me to take her? "I'm sorry, but I'm not sure—" I trailed off. I couldn't ask her where her home was. It seemed to imply that she didn't have one. I didn't want to add this problem to the pile.

She sniffed and when she responded, I could hear tears in her voice. They were the first tears she had shed in about a week. "I don't have a home anymore. I wish I hadn't put Charlie's house on the market."

"Is that where you would like to go?"

"I don't know. I don't see how it will fix anything."

"But if that is where you would like to be—"

"Just give me some time, okay?" she said angrily. She stood up and walked towards the hotel elevators. I closed my eyes, distraught by how unhappy she was. I stayed in the dining room for at least another 25 minutes. If she wanted time and space, I'd give it to her. Finally I paid the bill and went to our room, praying that her displaced anger would calm and that I would find some way to help her, not only to ease her discomfort, but also to allay the fear and sense of helplessness inside of me.

Bella was in bed when I got to the room. The curtains were drawn and the room was as dark as night. I could tell that she was awake, though.

"I want to go back to Charlie's house."

"Okay," I said and swallowed uselessly. Her voice was emotionless again. "When would you like to go?"

"A couple of days, I guess. I don't think Phil wants anything else from me and I don't want him to think that he has to entertain us or be anything but miserable right now."

I had reservations about going back to her old house in Washington. It seemed like a move backwards, like retreating into her grief. I was worried that being in that house would only further remind her of how she had now lost every member of her family: her father, her daughter, her husband, and now her mother. However, I was hesitant to suggest anything different. If she needed to take a step back and mourn again for her other losses, I would have to support her. I promised myself that I wouldn't lose her to her darkness, though. Somehow I would find a way to help her pull herself out again. She did it once before and she could do it again.

I bought the tickets, all the while fretting over what going back would mean. Alice and Jasper were still in Washington and Carlisle and Esme offered to come back. I told my parents that they should stay where they were for the moment and that I would let them know if anything changed. I told Alice that she didn't need to stay, but she was determined to be there for Bella.

"I saw her in a vision here in Forks again," Alice said and sighed. "I suppose you have to give her what she wants for now, but I can see that it won't be good for her." She sighed again.

"Alice, do you still see the vision of Bella and me getting married?"

"Yes, though it is hazier." I closed my eyes. _Please, God, let that vision come true._ "Do you think she's having second thoughts about you?" Alice asked quietly. "I mean—I never see her leaving you or anything, but that vision used to be so strong, and I don't understand why it is doing that."

I sighed and then explained the best way I could. "She's not doing so well, and I don't know if it is because she has been irritable with me and might say no, or because we are facing a new setback and so the timing is pushed back, or because I'm terrified to propose to her at the moment, or what. Maybe it's a combination of all three."

"I just feel so awful for her. Do you think Esme and Carlisle should come back?"

"No. They asked the same thing, but I told them that things are too up in the air right now. I don't know."

"Well, I guess we'll see you in a few days."

"Okay. Call me if, you know, you see anything change for Bella."

~oOo~

The day that we left for Washington was another bad one. Again, Bella wouldn't talk to me much. What she did say was short and in a monotone voice. I figured that she was only distressed about leaving Phil behind and the finality of leaving the place her mother had lived.

When we went to say goodbye to Phil, he was stoic about Bella's departure. He felt bad for sure, but he was mostly relieved to have us gone. He didn't want to have to put on a brave face anymore. He didn't want to see the evidence of what a disappointment he thought was to Bella.

When we got back to Washington, I dropped her off at her old house. I needed to hunt and pick up a few things from my family's house. I was sure that Bella wanted some time alone. How else could I interpret her distance and silence? The flight had been long, mostly because it had been so silent. While I was away from her and didn't have to hide my own pain, I let it wash over me and fill me. Being with Bella when she was like this and seeing her this way was excruciating. I felt so weak, so foolish, and so inept. It was an unfamiliar feeling for me. Usually I felt sure of myself and my abilities, but Bella had the power to undermine any of my heightened senses, physical prowess, and vast experience. She, small and fragile as she was, had the power to make me feel weak, vulnerable, exposed. I doubted that she knew this about herself. I wondered whether she would believe it was even possible.

I was so intent on my hunt that I almost didn't catch the familiar scent and inner voice of my brother coming closer and closer.

"Hello, brother," he said in his deep and solemn voice.

"Hello, Jasper. Come to join me?"

_Yes. I caught your scent while I was hunting_, he thought.

"Is Alice hunting as well?"

_No. She is packing some things for you and Bella. She's going to take them to Bella's house. _He smiled wryly as he thought this.

"Of course she is."

_How is she?_ he asked, his inner voice full of concern. I saw Bella's face in his mind.

I let out a gust of air. "Truthfully, I don't know exactly, but I imagine not too well. She hasn't been speaking to me much. She is angry with me for some reason. Not for anything I've done, though. She's just taking out her feelings on me."

_You're who is most readily available, and to be honest, the easiest for her to abuse._

"Because I'm the only one who'd never stop loving her no matter how much she strikes out at me."

_Exactly. I imagine she's got a lot of guilt, pain, and fear inside of her right now._ _Would you like me to come over and talk with her?_

"I don't know if this is a good time. I'm sure that she is absolutely exhausted right now. Besides, if she needs someone to be angry with, I'll take it."

_The trouble is that her anger towards you is only rerouting her feelings rather than solving them. I'm sure there is real anger, but it's not going to be all about you. If she is truly angry, she needs to name it and voice it for what it is rather than destroy her happiness with you._

"Jasper, I appreciate everything, but," I was suddenly hit by the desire for levity. "But, do you have any idea how much you sound like a therapist?"

_Shut up!_ He thought but smiled all the same. _I actually bought a couple of books about grief. I thought that maybe I could help somehow. I didn't want to override her feelings like I might with somebody else. I know how much that annoys her. And I know how little it would help in the long run._ He looked down, embarrassed.

I was touched. "Jasper, thank you."

_I'll wait a couple of days. And Edward?_ "This isn't the same as it was before. She's resilient and knows her own strength now." He said this last bit out loud.

I gave him an approximation of a smile, patted his shoulder affectionately, and head back to Bella's since it didn't look like I'd need to get anything from my family's house.

The house was dark when I arrived. I went in and located the sound of Bella's breath, heartbeat, and scent. She was in the bedroom she had used as an adolescent, the one that had been transformed into the baby's room. I told myself that I would just go in to check on her.

She was lying on the floor, curled up with the blankets and pillows Alice had brought over. An inflatable mattress was blown up on the other side of the room. For some reason, Bella had chosen the floor instead. Seeing her there, I couldn't leave her, even if just to go into another room. I knew that there was a possibility that she wouldn't let me hold her, but I would try anyways. Quietly, I lay down beside her and put an arm around her. She didn't react. She didn't turn into me, take my hand, or even jerk her body away. She was perfectly still. This almost hurt more than an actual rebuff. It was as if she was indifferent to my touch and presence.

"Bella, darling, please speak to me."

"What do you want me to say?" she asked in a dead voice.

"Tell me what I can do. I feel so . . . helpless with you. Please don't shut me out."

She sighed. When she spoke again, there was less anger than before. "I just need to be alone. I can't think about it all anymore. It hurts too much. I just wish there was some way to end this. I don't want feel like this anymore. I don't want to feel anything."

"Do you want me to call Jasper? He could help you sleep."

She was quiet. I wasn't sure if she was angry at my question or if she had just decided she was done talking with me. Finally, she spoke. "Yes. Call him." There was a whimper in her voice.

"Bella," my voice echoed her pain.

"Just call him." She ground her teeth. I saw that her eyes tightened more. She was holding back something powerful inside.

I pulled the cell phone from my pocket. The phone didn't even ring once before he answered. "I'm on my way," he said simply. Alice must have already called him. Once the phone was back in my pocket, I tightened my grip around her and kissed hair. I couldn't pretend to be as indifferent to our proximity as she apparently was. I couldn't be indifferent to her pain, as she seemed to be to mine.

Jasper arrived quickly and came up to the room. He crouched down beside us. "What do you need, Bella?"

"Just take it away," she pled. He knew what she meant.

"Are you sure you want that? It can only be a temporary fix."

"Please."

"Okay, I'll do it, at the very least so that you can get a full night's sleep."

"Would you like me to stay," I asked.

It took her a second to answer me. "Yes," she whispered and finally, finally threaded her fingers through my own. As I felt waves of calm, languorousness, and peace exude from Jasper, I breathed out a sigh of relief and let my body relax. I hadn't realized how tense I had been. Apparently, I had needed this as well. Jasper quelled his amusement at my own reaction and concentrated on the feelings he wanted to give Bella. In order to make the feelings more powerful, he placed a hand on her head, the part of her that was closest to him. I heard her breath deepen. She was asleep. I relaxed further, happy that she was getting some rest.

When I concentrated on the feeling Jasper was sharing with Bella, I felt how strange it was, for someone like me anyway. My limbs and mind felt heavy and slow. I looked up at Jasper and smiled slowly. "This feels weird."

"Yes, I imagine it feels strange for a vampire."

"Thanks of doing this, Jasper."

"I'm a little surprised she asked me to do it, to be honest." I thought about what her request meant, how much pain she must have been in to make it. I kissed her head again and then relaxed into the feeling Jasper was providing. It was almost like sleeping, this feeling of not needing or wanting to do anything, or really even feeling much at all.

The night passed and Bella continued to sleep. I could tell that when she was in a deep sleep, Jasper relaxed his control. When she went back to a lighter sleep, he increased his control a little more. As a result, she didn't wake, or even really move. She was as still as stone.

Towards morning, Jasper broke the silence in his mind by directing his thoughts to me. "When I let her wake up, I'd like to speak to her privately, if you don't mind. She'll feel a lot better after this sleep and since she let you stay the night, she may be a little more open to talking about things." I nodded in agreement.

In the end, Bella slept for 14 hours. After she woke, I kissed her cheek. She stiffened. Crap. I tried to pretend I hadn't notice. Jasper smiled at me sympathetically. "Jasper would like to have a word with you, Bella. I'm going to give you privacy to talk. Either you or he can call me when you are finished. I'll go see what I can find for your breakfast."

I left quickly. I drove to Port Angeles since the driving time would allow for plenty of time for their talk and so that I didn't have to do any shady maneuvers such as wearing a pair of sunglasses or a false mustache just so I could go through the drive-thru without being recognized.

On my way back, I got the call from Jasper. "She's ready to talk with you now."

"How did it go?" I asked, not able to bear the uncertainty.

Jasper sighed, but I could hear a smile in his reply. "Just get back to her as quickly as you can. I think you'll find a different reception than when you left. By the way, Alice told me to let you know that it is clear again. She said you'd know what that means."

I sped back as quickly as I could. When I pulled up to the house, Bella was sitting on the steps. She was biting her lip and fiddling with the sleeves of her sweatshirt. She was nervous. When she saw the car, she stood up and waited for me to get out before she rushed over to me and hugged me. "Edward, I am so, so sorry. I've been such a bitch."

"Bella, honey, it's okay. I was only worried for you. Never mind how you were to me."

"But, I was hurting you. I'm so sorry." She broke down crying and pulled away from me, covering her eyes with her hands.

I tugged her hands down from her face. "Hey, hey. Come on, let's get you inside." I took one of her hands and we went inside with her still crying next to me. Since there wasn't any other furniture, we sat on the stairs. I wrapped my arm around her. "Okay, what's going on, love?"

"I've been so stupid."

"No you haven't."

"I have. I've been angry. Angry at my mom, at Phil, at myself, and I've been taking it out on you."

"Yes, but I understood. I knew that you weren't actually angry with me. I only hoped you'd realize it so that I could be there for you again."

"I guess it took Jasper to tell me."

"You would have figured it out eventually. Your emotions have got to be pretty tangled and confusing right now. You're mourning Laurel again too, aren't you?"

"Yes. And you and Jake and Charlie and just everyone."

"Oh sweetie, I'm not leaving you again. Neither are any of my family members. You don't have to feel bad about that part of your past anymore. You're stuck with us for the rest of your life."

"I know," she said, but there was still a frown on her lips all the same. "It's just that every time I love somebody, they leave, or they pull away, or they die, or they fall in love with someone else. And it just feels like I'm never going to get over it all. My heart, it just hurts so much right now."

I nodded. "I know. It's going to get better, though. I promise. It won't hurt for forever. And you're not alone, as much as you might feel like you are right now. I'm here and Jasper and Alice. Even Carlisle and Esme offered to come back to Washington for you. I'm sure that Rose and Emmett have been worried for you as well, though Rosalie isn't exactly the most demonstrative person when it comes to affection for anyone but Emmett. Then again, even with Emmett, it's only one sort of affection that comes up the most, if you know what I mean." Bella laughed softly. "This is the thing about life, Bella, one of the few lessons I've picked up in my time. Life is temporary and fleeting. The best you can do is to hold onto the love and joy you find in the present. Loving me or my family doesn't have to replace your love for Laurel or Jake or your parents, but it can distract you, provide you with a safe place, and fill your heart up as much as you let it. And if you do join us in immortality, as you know, that too will ease some of the pain. Unless you consciously choose to hold onto an emotion during the transformation and shortly thereafter, the intensity of your grief will fade. The pain you have felt as a human will no longer feel like the kind of pain that can destroy you. It can embitter you, like Rosalie, but that was all about her choice. She didn't have to hold onto it, though I understand why she did. Your situation is very different from hers. She suffered at the hands of men; you have only experienced the natural end of life again and again. You can heal."

Bella had been looking at me with wide eyes for a couple of minutes, and when I finished, she took in a deep breath. "If I choose to join you in immortality? You're agreeing to let me become one of you?"

"Yes," I said simply. I saw a dangerous, reckless light flicker in her eyes. "However," I qualified, "this is not the right time. I can guess what you're thinking, but please, Bella, make the decision out of love, not about forgetting." She blushed and tears spilled from her eyes, confirming my hypothesis.

"I want my decision to be evidence to you that I have chosen you, Bella, that I will continue to choose you for the rest of my existence. There is no going back for me. I will not love any other woman but you. I will never leave you. I will be your companion, your lover, your friend, your protector, your defender, and your husband if you'll have me."

The tears were coming faster now. "I don't deserve you," she whispered.

"No, you deserve so much more than I can give you, but if you want me, then I will give myself to you. I am yours." I unzipped one of the pockets from my jacket and pulled out the blue velvet box. I placed it on her knee. "Bella, will you marry me?"


	29. Growth

Chapter Twenty-nine

**No copyright infringement intended by this author.**

**I am so, so sorry it has taken me so long to update. I recently started a new job and school has been driving me crazy. Then I've been sick since Christmas. Sad excuses, but honest-to-goodness, I have felt bad for making you all wait so long. To make up for the long wait, this chapter is quite a bit longer than previous ones. Enjoy and be kind and review!**

**To remind you, in the last chapter, Bella was being distant with Edward, she and Jasper had a talk, and Edward proposed. I guess that's the important stuff. **

The long silence was unbearable. Bella fingered the box, not opening it. When she finally spoke, her voice was heavy and sad. "Edward, I can't take this now. I'm such a mess. I don't know how to say this right, but ever since Jasper spoke with me, I've been thinking how unfair I have been to you and to myself. Ever since you came into my life again, I have relied on you to meet my emotional needs. I did the same with Jake. But if this experience with death has taught me anything, it's that I can't rely on you for everything. Because, if I continue to do so, I'll always want you to save me, and when you are unable, which you are because no one can save another person, I will be disappointed and angry. It's not fair to either of us. I have to learn how to meet me own needs somehow, and I'm afraid that if I marry you, I won't do that."

"But you love me, right?"

"Yes, of course I do."

"Then believe me when I say that you will get better. You'll come to a place where you'll be comfortable with yourself and your relationship with me again, whether you marry me soon or not. This is just a difficult stretch. Sorry, I know the word 'difficult' doesn't quite cut it. Just don't be so hard on yourself. You don't have to marry me tomorrow, nor do you have to trade in your humanity so soon. You have time to learn and grow and change and become who you want to be. You're going to take your strengths with you into your next life and I want you to be sure you are as strong and as happy as you need to be because I want you to feel strong and happy for the rest of eternity. So you can have as much time as you need. I just want to know that this," I touched the box, "is our future."

She took in a deep breath and opened the box. She stared at the ring for a second or two. Her face was flushed at the sight of the ring and her eyes were wet again. "Do you like it?" I asked.

"Yes, it's beautiful."

"I can remember my mother had a similar ring. My father gave it to her when I was born. I rarely saw her without it on her right hand. She was wearing it when she died. She was buried with it as far as I know."

"Where did you find it?"

"An antique store. I was quite surprised when I found it. It brought back many things I hadn't recalled before. The memories are murky, but they're there. Will you wear it even if you're not ready to say yes? It would mean a lot to me."

"I'll wear it. I...I...You're right. Just because I'm a mess right now doesn't change the fact that I love you with all my heart and it doesn't mean that I can't continue to work through things. I'll wear it so that you'll know that I love you, not because you fix me or save me, but because I love you and I choose you as someone who will be my equal. I guess I'm saying yes to marrying you because I want to marry you even if it isn't for a little while."

I hugged her tightly and kissed her face and lips over and over and over. I was brimming over with joy and the sense that I was finally coming into my own, that I was no longer a boy but a man. When Bella began to laugh at my enthusiasm, I released her. I took the ring out of the box and slowly slipped it onto her left-hand ring finger, admiring the way it looked against her pale skin and the way the diffused light of the hallway couldn't even entirely subdue the sparkle.

Barely two minutes passed and I was inundated with phone calls. One after another, my family members called me. I ignored them all. I silenced my phone, telling myself I would call them later. Didn't they know that this would not be the best moment for their congratulations and best wishes? I stood and swept Bella up into my arms and carried her upstairs, wanting nothing more than to show her just how happy her answer made me. I lay her down gently on top of the blankets and covered her body with my own and continued to kiss her.

When I gave her a second to breathe, Bella laughed gently. "Whoa! Excited, are we?"

"You have no idea," I told her and I kissed her mouth solemnly, reverently. I kissed down her chin and onto her neck. I tugged the elastic band out of her hair and combed my fingers through the silky strands. Pulling the deep v-neck of shirt aside, I kissed the indentation of her collarbone. One of my hands sought the hot skin of her waist under her clothes; the other ran along the side of her leg and hip. Her legs spread in reaction. I wanted to take that as an invitation to press into her even closer, but I knew I should slow down if I were going to do this right. Being close like this was amazing and hopefully it would inure me from the desire for her blood, so close to the desire for her body, but I wanted to draw it out, to make the moment we would share perfect and untainted by my wicked and violent desire for her life force. I shifted the lower half of my body off of her, but kept my top half pressed against hers. I was getting better at this. Not wanting to disappoint her, though, I kissed down her breastbone, to the very top of the cleft between her two breasts. Her panting increased. I looked up momentarily. Her eyes were shut tight, her cheeks were tainted pink, and her mouth was open. I watched in fascination as her tongue flickered out and wet her bottom lip before she bit it. She looked wild and untamed, like the wanton heroine on the cover of a romance novel. I kissed back up her breastbone, her neck, and back to her lips. "Bella," I whispered." Her eyes cracked open. "You look so beautiful like this." The color of her cheeks deepened. I drew my lips to her ear. Gently, I touched the lobe and swept along the rim of her ear with my tongue. She shivered. "I look forward to becoming your lover almost as much as I look forward to becoming your husband. I want to be able to see you like this always, open and wanting. I want to see you bare, the way you were when we took that shower together, but with this look on your face."

I looked into her face now. Her eyes were fixed on mine. She seemed to be trying to formulate a response but nothing came. Perhaps, I thought wickedly to myself, I had managed to render her speechless. She licked her lips again. In response, I tugged at the bottom one with my own lips and growled teasingly. I flashed her a smile. She let out one of those laughs that are merely a breath of air. Finally she spoke. "You are driving me crazy. What are you trying to do to me?"

I smiled mischievously. "Practice."

"Oh, my God, Edward. You're going to kill me. Maybe you don't think foreplay can kill anyone, but when it lasts this long?"

I leaned over to her ear again. "We'll get there."

"When?" she practically yelled in exasperation.

I sat up and pulled her with me. "Here's the thing, Bella. I want to wait until after . . ."

"After what? You change me? I thought we talked about this!"

"No," I fiddled with the ring on her finger. "Just until I marry you. I want to do this right. I know it's a lot to ask, but I've come to realize that this is important to me. I know that you feel differently about things and that you didn't wait with Jacob, but I was hoping you'd wait for me."

She sighed and thought. "I guess I can make this concession. You've agreed to change me and to sleep with me one day, so I guess I can wait if it's really important to you."

"It is."

"May I ask why?"

"The way I was raised I guess. I feel like I broken so many moral laws in my life and I just want to keep one, to do one thing right. Maybe it's silly, but somehow it makes me feel a little more worthy of you, like I really am the kind of man who can control his desires—not just for your blood, but also your body. Maybe by doing this, I can be a little more man and a little less monster."

"I can see that. Okay, we can wait. I guess if we're waiting we can't—" she gestured to the floor with her hand to indicate what we had just been doing.

"Now, I didn't say that. After all, I've got to practice being close to you without losing my mind."

"If only I could do the same."

"I'd rather you didn't. Like I said, I love seeing you like that." She blushed prettily.

"But I feel so bad for you."

"Why?" I asked.

"I mean, one of the wonderful things about making love is that you can get lost in it, you can let go of everything and just be. You can lose control. You are trying to squelch that."

"There will time enough for that for me after you're a little more durable." She blushed again. "Right now, as we are, it's all about you. It's necessary, but that doesn't mean that I won't enjoy myself. Believe me, I will. It's not like I'll be shutting off my senses. And besides, it gives me great joy to make you feel good and loved and adored."

She cupped my cheek with her hand. "You're so good to me."

"You're my whole world, Bella. How could I not be?"

She shrugged, wrapped her arms around my neck, and we resumed. . . practicing.

~oOo~

After a blissful evening of touching, caressing, and learning about each other's bodies, and after the weeks of stress and grief, Bella was relaxed and even somnolent when I finally coaxed her into the blow-up bed and wrapped her in the blankets Alice had provided. It felt good to once again hold her in my arms as she drifted off into peaceful rest.

When the gray light of morning filtered through the white curtains, I heard a group of children run down the street towards the elementary school a few blocks away, laughing and yelling to each other. Bella rolled over to face me. She lay there and listened and let herself wake up. I didn't speak, letting her join the world slowly. She rubbed her face and eyes and made the cute sighing and yawning noises typical of morning. After she did this, she frowned deeply. She buried her head in my chest then and groaned softly. "I shouldn't have come here."

I agreed, but I figured that saying so wouldn't be the most supportive thing in the world. "What makes you say that?"

"I was moving on before my mom died, you know. I was so close to being happy again. I shouldn't let what happened destroy everything. Losing my mom was and is sad but it's not as bad as losing Laurel. I mean, I wasn't exactly close to my mom. She was everything I didn't want to be: flaky, selfish, irrational, childish, the kind of person who needs to be taken care of. I think that one reason I've been so upset, and I realized this when I was talking with Jasper yesterday, is because I have realized that I'm just as bad as she was. I gave up on her, was jealous and petty. I married a man because he saved me from my sadness; just the same way she was always picking up new projects or boyfriends to fill the void, and then when things didn't work out for me, I went straight back to you. It's like I couldn't even stand on my own two feet."

"We all have bits of darkness and the things we hate inside of us. That doesn't make us bad or change our natures, not if we don't let them. Maybe you've made flaky decisions, or had moments of irrationality. Maybe you have had to rely on others at times. But these are not the things that define who you are, not at all. You are incredibly loyal, caring, intelligent, and self-sufficient. You grew up at a much younger age than most people in your generation. These are the things that make you the person you are, not the few times when you have chosen to act differently. Think of me and Esme and my siblings. We are different from other vampires because we make the choice to abstain every day, yet all of us, with the exception of Carlisle, have made choices of brutality. That doesn't change who we are. If anything, it makes us more careful and determined to be better, to be the things we aspire to be."

She furrowed her brow. "You haven't always felt that way about yourself. I can recall plenty of times when you have called yourself a monster or a beast or said that you aren't good enough to be with me."

"Those things are true of me as well. I am a monster. I am dangerous. So is Carlisle, even though he has never drunk human blood, but we don't let that stop us from trying to be good. That is what's important, right? That's what you have always told me."

"And it's true."

"So it is with you, then. You've made mistakes, but you are still good. You are amazing. You make me want to be a better man more than anyone or anything else. Doesn't that say something? You must be an angel if you can redeem a monster like me."

"Stop calling yourself that."

I smiled down at her and kissed the tip of her nose. "Be kind to yourself. Don't let the past beat you down. Let it build you up and help you make the best decisions you can for the future."

She squeezed her eyes and tears came out. When she opened her eyes again, she squared her shoulders and exhaled deeply. "I've got a lot of things I need to think about and maybe even change. I've just been so unhappy over the last several months, ever since I lost Laurel and Jake, but I've seen that it goes deeper than that. I haven't learned how to like myself or forgive myself. I absolutely surrender myself to the people I love the most, and yet, I have never been able to make the same concessions for myself as I make for those I love. Rather than telling my mom that I needed a mother, I took myself of the picture. How was that fair? I forgave you when you left me and was never really angry though I had every right to be. I forgave Jake at the drop of a hat when he imprinted the same day our baby died even though I should have gotten a gun and shot him. I have loved people who aren't even people, but these supernatural creatures who should terrify me, and all I see is how truly good they are. And yet, I have never been able to forgive myself for my own mistakes. I have never been able to just accept myself for who I am even though I am not the least bit frightening, and I'm starting to see how all of this has taken its toll on me."

I smiled and kissed her forehead. I was profoundly grateful that she was beginning to see that she deserved the love of the person who mattered most: herself. More than anything, I wanted her to feel at peace and be happy. I wanted to take care of her, sure, but I knew that if she didn't take gentle care of her own self, the care I gave her would only go so far. "I'm so happy to hear you say that." We sat in peaceful silence. "So, what next? You said that you didn't think you should be here. Are you ready to move to Vermont?"

"I guess I am. I have to admit that I'm a little scared, though. Moving to Vermont with you is just the beginning of a lot of really big changes for me and the course for my life."

"Well, thankfully you won't have to make all those changes at once. Take them one at a time. And remember, nothing is set in stone. You can always change your mind about any part of these changes. This is your life and your journey. It is yours to direct and you will always have my support and aid no matter what you choose."

She groaned and laughed. "You're a dreamboat of a boyfriend, Edward. You're the kind of guy one only reads about in novels and dreams about."

"Despite the fangs," I amended humorously.

"You don't have fangs. And even if you did, there is definitely a genre of perfect, emotionally intelligent vampire boys out there. I have to admit, there is something sexy about the whole thing." She smiled.

"What whole thing?" I asked.

"Oh, you know, the brooding Byronic hero bit: powerful, moody, tortured, a little bit arrogant, ridiculously good looking, quite possibly dangerous, and passionately in love with some heroine or other. Mr. Darcy, Heathcliff, Louis, Lestat, Mr. Rochester, Stefan and Damon Salvatore,"1 she listed. "I could go on for forever. I am a librarian, you know."

"Mad, bad, and dangerous to know," I quoted.1 I had heard this particular accusation before. My siblings teased me about it actually. I wasn't alone, though. Jasper, too, resembled the description. Even Carlisle, though he was much more saint-like than most Byronic heroes.

"Exactly, but also delicious." Her eyes glinted. I laughed and shook my head. "All that passion and barely restrained power. It makes a girl breathless." She lifted a hand to her forehead and pretended to swoon. I rolled my eyes. Girls.

"So, what's the plan?"

"I guess we should go to Vermont." She shrugged.

"Do you want to leave right away, or would you like to see Jake again, or visit Laurel?"

"I don't know. I feel like things are in a good place with Jake, and though I didn't say much of a good-bye to anyone else except Billy, I'm just ready to close this part of my life for now. Maybe one day I'll be ready to see everyone again, but right now I feel like seeing them would just make me sad."

~oOo~

We didn't leave Forks as soon as we thought we would. Just before we were to go, Bella got sick with bronchitis. This put our journey off for another couple of weeks. When we finally left, she still felt sick, but she was impatient to leave.

When we arrived in Vermont, the snow was beginning to melt and the ice-covered tree branches were dripping in steady rhythms. The ground was soft and wet. Underneath the bare trees and evergreens, crocuses were popping through the ground in bright splashes of plum violet and golden yellow. The air was still cold, colder than Washington, but it felt clear and refreshingly clean.

Esme had found a house that had been an inn in the 1800s and early 1900s. Since it had so many bedrooms, she knocked down several of the walls of adjoining rooms to create larger spaces to accommodate all of the couples when they were staying with them. Alice and Jasper wanted to have their own home, and Esme and Alice quickly became busy with the drawings and plans. After spending some time with the family, Rosalie and Emmett bought a house in Albany, NY, which was about 160 miles away from Rutland, the closest town to our house. It was an easy distance to travel whether by running or driving so we still saw them fairly often, but Rosalie was more of a city girl, especially since cities provided more anonymity than small towns and had a livelier feel. Such environments made her feel more human.

When we first arrived, Bella searched all over for a job, but in such a small town, a town smaller than Forks in fact, jobs were scarce. At first she was upset about this. One evening after a fruitless day of searching, she collapsed onto the couch and let out a great sigh.

"No good, eh?" Carlisle asked, placing a bookmark in the book he was reading.

"No. The only job I could find was at the Laundromat, and even that had more than ten applicants."

"Not to mention that you are way over-qualified for that kind of job."

"I feel so useless without a job. Here I am free-loading, doing nothing for you guys and you do everything for me."

Carlisle paused thoughtfully before he said anything. "I'm concerned, Bella." He said this carefully, as if considering each individual word and the meaning it held. Bella looked down at her hands, but didn't respond, which meant that she knew exactly why he was concerned. Carlisle placed one hand on hers affectionately. "You still don't look well, and at this point I am inclined to think that your body is having difficult fighting off the infection because of your stress. How have you been sleeping?"

"Not very well. I'm sure you hear me coughing all the time."

"Yes. Does the coughing wake you up?"

"Yeah, but other stuff does too. I'm so exhausted," she complained.

"And your appetite hasn't been very good either."

"No. Ever since my mom—" she trailed off.

"And that was so soon after recovering from the last blows. I appreciate your desire to contribute to the family, but I hope you'll consider taking some time to relax and take much better care of yourself, not just because of the illness, but because that's what you wanted to do when you came, wasn't it?" She nodded her head. "So please, don't worry about finding a job right now. Get some rest and some exercise and try to get better."

This conversation seemed to remind Bella of the goal that she had made before coming to Vermont to change her life and to make choices that would help her heal and become more of the woman she wanted to be.

Slowly, the changes began to take place. It started with the walks. Almost every day, particularly when it wasn't raining, she took long, rambling, solitary walks along the gravel and dirt roads and into the woods, carrying books of poetry, philosophy, or fiction, along with the journal she had started under her arm. She was usually gone for hours at a time and came back wet and covered in mud, but with pink cheeks and bright eyes. Then she started the yoga class in the mornings and the pottery class in the evenings. She even made a couple of friends and joined a book group that met monthly.

The changes in her mood, appearance, and health started out slowly, but within two months, she was almost unrecognizable from the girl she had been during the sad almost-year together. I rarely saw those flashes of painful remembrance. Her body weight stabilized. She slept better than she ever had. Our relationship, too, changed. Since she was away most of the day, the nights we spent together were much sweeter. We spent the time talking, reading together, and loving each other's bodies.

I, too, had begun to see changes in myself, though they were nowhere near as drastic as those in Bella. The biggest changes were that, as a result of her improving mental health, I felt happier and more comfortable myself. The other change was that I was beginning to feel more comfortable and in-control when we were pressed against each other, limbs intertwined, bits of silky skin exposed and explored with hands and lips and tongues. I began to be carefully confident that once we were married I would be able to fulfill my promise to make her mine. And I was beginning to know just what she liked, what made her sigh and what made her body arch with longing. She was also getting to know me and just what was safe, what was endurable, and what was to be practiced slowly and in increments so that it would no longer destroy any modicum of control held in my tenuous grasp.

One evening, as we were sitting on the porch and listening to the sounds and sights of a deepening spring, Bella brought up an idea that brought warmth into my heart and made me hope that we were well on our way to where she wanted to be.

"I saw something today on my walk that I wanted to ask you about," she said tentatively before she took a sip of her hot herbal tea."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, I sort of fell in love today."

I smiled. "Oh? Should I be jealous?"

"No," she smiled. "What would you say to getting our own place, not far from here, only a couple of miles?"

"It sounds wonderful. Did you see a house you like?"

"Well, not really a house. It's more of a small cottage really, and it definitely needs some work, but it has a lot of potential, and when I saw it, I saw us living there almost instantaneously. I really like the idea of us having our own place." She blushed. "I thought it would be something we could do together for our marriage. We can fix it up and then move in after the wedding."

I was cautious in my response. "When were you thinking of making this move?"

"Well, I thought we could get the house now and start working on it. I know that this won't give us much time, but I'd like to move there in September or October."

"That only gives us four or five months. Are you sure you're ready for that? I know there were a lot of things you wanted to work on before we get married."

"I'm ready." She looked up at me with steady eyes and there was no hesitation in them. All I saw was peace, love, tenderness and devotion. "I can't even begin to tell you how different I feel from when we first got here. I realize it's only been a couple of months, but I was ready for a change, and I've done my best to follow through. Those walks aren't just for exercise. I've done a lot of thinking and writing, and I've been doing my best to let go of everything I've been holding on to—the guilt, the sorrow, the anger. I can't change the past but I can choose my future and if I want to be different, I have to live differently. I have been doing that already, but the next step is going to have to be to embrace my future and take the strange path I've chosen. More than anything, I want to be with you. I want to be your wife and your equal and be a part of your crazy family."

"Come here," I requested and patted my lap to indicate that I wanted her to join me. She put down her mug and sat on my lap. I wrapped my arms around her. I had trouble gathering my words together, so I sat in silence, in the end finding that it was preferable to sit so. I allowed the peace and happiness of the moment to wash over me as I held her and rocked her.

As we sat there, I thought about how she was everything to me and how amazed I was at the woman she had become since I had first met her. I still hated that I had left her, but seeing her like this, seeing the strength, resiliency, and beauty brought about by such sorrow and being endlessly thankful for what I saw was the closest I could come to forgiving myself for the past. Did this mean that I would never trade the years we were apart back? I wasn't sure. This woman, this goddess in my arms was a creation of those years and those trials and I wouldn't trade her for the world. If I had never left, if she had not been sent on that path of sorrow, would she have ever found this level of peace and love for herself? Maybe the years of separation did not bring happiness as such, but weren't the lessons we had both gained, didn't the individuals we had become, make it more meaningful than years of placid contentment? They were worth it somehow. In the end, and probably due to her mercy, her heart, and her strength, we had come out of those years better than we had been before and I was interminably grateful for this truth.

**1 ****References to **_**Pride & Prejudice**_** by Jane Austen, **_**Wuthering Heights**_** by Emily Brontë, **_**The Vampire Chronicles**_** by Anne Rice, **_**Jane Eyre**_** by Charlotte Brontë, and **_**The Vampire Diaries**_** by L.J. Smith.**

**2** **This is a quote about Lord Byron from one of the women he had an affair with. If I remember ****correctly, it was the girl who went crazy after he dumped her. I think she became anorexic and actually stalked him. Can't blame her, poor girl. That man was a piece of work. I'm glad I never knew him. He was a bit of a jerk, though I agree that there is definitely something about those Byronic heroes. They are just a little bit delicious despite their wickedness.**


	30. Happiness

**Wow, it has been such a long time since I last updated that I can't even make excuses. Just please know that I feel guilty. I hope there are still some people out there who want to read this. Send me a review! I always love hearing from people.**

**No copyright infringement intended by the author. **

Chapter Thirty

Bella bent backwards, stretching. Her spine cracked and she breathed a sigh of relief and looked around her with satisfaction.

I couldn't help teasing her. "You realize that we have more bookshelves than any other piece of furniture?"

Her eyes lit up with excitement. "I know. Isn't it great? Think of all the wonderful stories these shelves will be able to hold."

In truth, I was happy to be in a place that was so . . . Bella. Everything about this little stone cottage sang her name, perhaps the multitudinous book shelves lining almost every single wall most of all. I looked around, studying the hard wood floor of the living room, taken from an old tree from behind the cottage, and the gray slate floors in the kitchen which we gathered in Slate Valley, the oversized couch and armchair, the potted plants, and piles of books. They all evinced her care and passions. Yes, this house sang her name. It sang warmth and comfort, wisdom and creativity.

"Oh, Edward, I love our house!" She embraced me tightly in her enthusiasm. I gathered her in my arms and we stood by the French windows that led out to the backyard, watching the gathering dusk.

Night began to fall and the air grew cooler. The house was quiet but for the feverish chirping of the cicadas and crickets, and to me, the constant beat of Bella's heart. Through the window, we watched the sporadic dance of the fireflies dancing and weaving through the vegetation in the garden. With the strings of white lights and paper lanterns for the wedding and the fireflies, the garden looked magical. The wind rustled in the trees and wafted the scent of pine, honeysuckle, and rose, enticing us to join the outside world.

"Let's go outside," she suggested. I swung her up into my arms and walked out into the back garden. We sat on the grass and breathed in the garden's sweet and heady fragrance. "I'm so happy," she sighed contentedly and put her head on my shoulder. "I didn't think I could ever be this happy again, and yet, here I am, growing happier every day. Maybe it's only in reaction to how miserable I was before. Maybe I'm misinterpreting the first moments of peace and contentment as happiness. But I doubt that. Or maybe it's just the magic of this place. I've never really had a place that was strictly my own."

She smiled with chagrin. "I know this is going to sound cheesy, but I have to say that I'm really happy that we're going to be married. I find it satisfying to think that I'll be bringing you so much happiness when I become your wife. I'm happy for myself as well, of course, but you've been alone for so long, and now you don't have to be alone anymore."

Warmth surged through me at these words. Maybe her last sentiment was old-fashioned, that she was happy because she was making me happy, an idea that didn't really fit in with today's standards of only doing that which pleases the self and no one else, especially a man, but it was also touching and tender. I understood the feeling. There was not anything in the world I wouldn't give or do to make her happy. Sure, some of those things she would soon be asking of me felt like they might crush me, but in the end, I knew that I would give in, knowing that she would never ask these things if they were not of the utmost importance to her, if they were not her choices to make in the end. I might try to dissuade her, but I would never oppose her if she would not bend. "You're not the least bit nervous? About the wedding and all the attention? About Jake?"

"No, I have to say I'm not. I don't think I can adequately express how right this feels to me. And I'm excited to see Jake. It makes me feel so happy to know that he will be here supporting me."

"Giving you away even. He's really something to do that."

"Jake is an amazing man."

"And the honeymoon," I asked nervously, reverting back to questioning her anxiety or lack there of.

Bella touched my cheek and stared deep into my eyes. "No. We're ready for this. I'm not the least bit scared. I trust you absolutely."

And here was one of those crushing things she was asking of me. My breath began to quicken in its pace. I closed my eyes, as if to block out the images I saw in my head, the brutal images that still came to Alice's mind occasionally. "I'm scared." Somehow I couldn't help expressing this even though we had gone over this many times before.

"Even with all the practice we've been doing?" There was warmth in her voice, almost a fever. I could hear the heat. If I could blush, I would have.

"The practicing has helped... " I conceded. It was true that the visions Alice had these days were a little less gory than they used to be. The most I saw were fractures and bruises now, but even that was enough to sour my stomach.

"But..." she added, hearing the reservation in my voice.

"Alice still sees you getting hurt in the majority of her visions about the honeymoon."

Bella sighed. "I don't know how I feel about her having visions of our honeymoon. She really needs to butt out."

"You know she can't help it."

"Yes, I know, but still. Edward, it's going to be okay. You said the majority but not all. There's still a chance that I'll be okay. And even then, even if I'm not, who cares about a couple bruises and a broken rib or two. I get those on a daily basis doing things that are much less important. _This_ is important to me. Whatever happens, it is worth it. I want to experience this with you before I change. And if it's my last human memory, it will be the best possible one to have."

"Don't say that."

"That it will be my last memory?"

"Yes. I can't hear that. I won't do it if it means that it will be your last night."

"But Edward, it won't. Please, just—you promised."

"I know. I promised."

"And I know you want this too." The heat was back in her voice.

"Do you think for even the slightest instant that that has any bearing on any of this?" I practically yelled.

"Shh," she crooned, while at the same time, a booming voice echoed through the forest saying, "Ah, Edward, I thought I heard your sweet, dulcet voice!"

I ground my teeth in exasperation. Of all the times!

Emmett and Jasper walked leisurely into the garden at that moment, wicked grins plastered across both of their faces. "As interesting as this conversation is, I'm sure, we've got to take this boy away. He needs a little TLC, a good old bachelor's party. That's the only thing that will loosen this guy's tie a little, if you know what I mean."

Bella's eyebrows furrowed. Jasper guffawed as he watched her expression and felt her dawning suspension and apprehension. "You're not taking him to a strip club, are you?" she asked. How could she sound so unsure?

"Heavens, no," Edward said at the same time that Emmett said, "Ask me no questions, little sister, and I'll tell you no lies." Jasper laughed again. "Honestly, Bella," Emmett continued, "strip clubs? You really think Carlisle would approve?"

"And Alice would kill me," Jasper added.

"Rosalie would cut me up with rusty toenail clippers and set me on fire with a cheap plastic bic lighter from a gas station."

"It would be a classy way to go after such a classy night of entertainment," Jasper joked.

"I swear to God she would."

"She would," both Jasper and I agreed. Bella chuckled.

"Well, if you're not headed for a night of refinement in the local strip club, what are you going to do?"

"Oh you know, the usual."

"Swigging back a couple of bears while sitting in easy chairs and watching the game," Jasper explained drily.

"Oh, well, if that's all, be my guest. Take him. He was getting moody and boring anyway." I looked at her reproachfully at this response.

"That's the Edward we all know and love," Emmett said and grinned.

"Maybe a couple of bears will do him good. It's been a few weeks since he last hunted and he's been getting increasingly cranky."

"I have not!" I protested.

"Well, if this isn't the cutest thing! You two are already arguing like a married couple!" Emmett said as he began to pull me away by the collar of my shirt. It ripped a little.

"Do be careful, Emmett," Bella called out after us. "If you take all his clothes off, I'll never let you take him away."

Emmett laughed boisterously. "See you tomorrow, Bella. Get a good night's rest. I have a feeling you won't be sleeping again for a long time!"

Carlisle, who, based on his smile, had heard the whole conversation, joined us then. "So," he said, "where are we going? Somewhere with a few carnivores, I assume."

~oOo~

I begged off at three a.m. Emmett complained and told me I was whipped, to which I responded that he was too, but he and the others let me go, understanding that I might want to spend the rest of the hours of darkness with Bella before the out-of-town guests began to arrive and before the whirlwind of a wedding took place.

She was asleep when I arrived. A book lay face down with its pages open next to her. The bedside lamp was still on. She must have fallen asleep with the lights on. Quietly, I closed the book, marking the page for her, turned off the lamp, and then lay down, fitting my body around hers. She sighed and then turned so that she was facing me. Her eyes opened slowly and she smiled. "Hi," she said sleepily. "No more cold feet?"

"Well, I still have rather poor circulation, but I don't think it will have any bearing on the ceremony tomorrow," I joked.

She frowned. "That's not what I meant. I meant—"

I interrupted her with a kiss and whispered into her ear, "You'll get your honeymoon. I promised. Even when I'm morose, I still remember that."

"As I've said before, I trust you with this."

I lay there, staring into her eyes, pondering over this trust and what it meant. In some ways, her trust in me was alarming. Our species were so unlike. Everything about me was dangerous to her, and,yet, here she was curled up in my arms, a soft and warm kitten resting on the chest of a powerful jaguar that would get considerable pleasure in eating this said kitten for breakfast.

"Kiss me," she whispered into the darkness. I obeyed.

~oOo~

Another day passed, and the guests were beginning to fill my parents' house. Bella had not wanted too many guests, but both she and my family had some people who could not be left out. The Denali clan was there, happy to see my family, but with obviously bemused and slightly disgusted looks on their faces. Jake had not come alone. Emily and Billy were the only humans there among the Quileutes. Representing the pack, Jake was there of course, but also Quil, Embry, and Jared. Their huge, hot bodies, and pungent odor were a bit overwhelming en masse, it was true, so I didn't blame Tanya and her clan for their facial expressions, the ones that looked like there was a pile of dung underneath their noses.

Ever since he had arrived, Jake had been glued to Bella's side. Even though I knew Jake had given us his blessing for all intents and purposes, it was still surprising how cheerful he was, how he never looked at my family with any degree of hatred or distrust. His thoughts, too, were clear and untroubled.

When he first arrived, his eyes roved through the faces, not stopping until his eyes met hers. It was like watching a fire kindle. His face lit up with a sudden spark and a huge smile stretched from ear to ear. In a few quick, long strides, he pulled her into a bear hug, lifting her from the ground. Bella squealed and laughed before complaining that she couldn't breathe. When he set her down, he held her by the shoulders and studied her face and body. I saw in his mind how he just wanted to see that she was okay for himself, that if she was okay and reasonably happy, then he could be happy too. As he took in her glowing face, her healthy complexion and upright posture, his smile widened again. He took her in his arms once more.

"Jeez, Jake," she complained, though there was no weight to her words.

"I know. I'm just so glad to see you. And you look amazing, Bells, absolutely amazing."

"Thanks, Jake. Perhaps you can let me greet all my other friends now." She laughed, as did Jake many others. She greeted Billy first.

"It's good to see you, Bella," he said in his deep voice. She leaned down to embrace him. "Billy," she said. Her grip tightened.

As she moved onto Quil, Embry, and Jared, I shook Billy's hand as well, with Carlisle and Esme right behind me. "Welcome," Carlisle said. "We are so pleased you came. It means so much to Bella to have you here, and it means so much to us."

Billy surveyed Carlisle. Unlike Jake, there was some mistrust in his mind, but like Jake, he thought that if he could see for himself that this was what Bella wanted and that she was happy with my family, he would have to let her go. There was sadness in this thoughts. For the first time, I saw the love this man had for Bella. He saw her as a daughter, as a fighter, as the woman who had made the first years of Jacob's torturous transformation bearable, as the child of his best friend, one of the best men he had ever known. He could not let her go for anything but pure peace, happiness, and requited love. Rather than feeling hurt by his hesitancy, I felt respect and gratitude. Here was a man Bella could rely on if all else failed.

Once greetings were exchanged, wary introductions made, and the majority of the Quileuetes were ensconced in their hotel rooms, Bella, Jacob, and I head to the cottage to talk. Jacob and Bella held hands as we walked. Since arriving, Jacob had been touching Bella almost continuously. It wasn't out of being proprietary or protective but because it was a familiar way of being for the two of them. I could feel the innocence in the affection.

When we entered the cottage and turned on the lights, Jacob looked around and smiled. "Now I see why you're so happy. It's all these empty bookshelves just waiting to be filled." He laughed and playfully messed up her hair.

He and Bella sat on the couch next to each other. I was perfectly comfortable standing, but I knew it would make my companions uncomfortable if I just stood hovering over them, so I sat in an armchair. "Really, Bella, you do look very happy. It's been awhile since I've seen you like this."

"I was pretty miserable the last few times you saw me."

"We all were. No, but it's more than that. It's not just that you're happier than you were after Laurel died, but that you seem happier than you ever really have been."

"I am very happy."

"I can tell."

"It makes me even happier to know that you can see that I'm happy. I half expected you to be nice and supportive of me, but to grimace and growl at Edward any chance you got."

Jacob laughed heartily. "It has crossed my mind. If you seemed the least bit down or like this wasn't perhaps what you needed, I would have swept you off and taken you somewhere." After he said this, he frowned, realizing the problem with his words.

Bella saw the problem as well. "Jake, even if I were still unhappy, you couldn't do that. It's not really your place anymore."

"True. I know that. I just want you to be happy, Bella. It's all I've ever wanted. And really, maybe it's best for both of us to let you go your own way. We've always been better friends than anything else. I mean, we were good at being boyfriend and girlfriend, husband and wife, but perhaps that was only because we had this solid loyalty and friendship underneath everything else."

"I wasn't a very good girlfriend or wife."

Jacob was thoughtful. "Well, knowing that your heart was still somewhat taken up with Edward, I can see why you would say that, but I still don't feel like you were unfaithful or disloyal to me. I am confident enough to say that, even if he had come back when we were still together and had asked you to take him back, you would have said no."

Bella's eyes flashed to mine. There was an apology in them. "You're probably right. I would have said no. I would have bled internally, but I would refuse him knowing that if I had taken him back I would have hurt you."

"See, and I know that. You may have not loved me in all the ways I loved you and you're heart might have been divided in two, but you would have sacrificed your life and some of your happiness just to stay true to me because you are nothing if not loyal to your friends."

Bella leaned her head on his shoulder. "What about you, Jake? Are you happy? You seem like you are."

Jacob's face glowed and I saw in his mind Olivia's face and the face of a young girl, obviously Olivia's daughter. "I am, Bella. I can't tell you how happy I am. Seeing you so well was the last piece left to make my happiness complete."

Bella giggled. "I take it you and Olivia are together now."

"Yeah. By the way, she wanted to come and wanted me to thank you for the invitation, but she decided not to because she wanted us to have this chance to be together without her. Less tension, or whatever. I told her it was unnecessary, but she insisted. She really likes you. She always defends you and what she thinks might be your needs. She has definitely been your advocate in several pack arguments."

"Wow! That's a lot more than I could hope for in a replacement."

"She's not a replacement, Bells. You and I, we share something no one can replace. She just really likes you and she's a fierce defender of anyone who she perceives as getting the short end of the stick."

"I have to admit that I am impressed by how much she obviously trusts you. Letting you come here alone? It was really amazing."

He voice softened. "I don't know why or how she trusts me, especially given all the shit she's been through, but she does somehow."

"Has her life been very difficult?"

"Well, I won't get into too much detail. It's her story to tell after all, but being a teen mom isn't easy. You must have realized that she had Marina when she was very young. She was 16 when she got pregnant. And the dad was a bit of a jerk. Anyway, you get the picture."

"I guess it's a good thing she has you now."

Jake conceded to this and nodded.

"So tell me about everything else. I didn't really get a chance to ask you about everyone back home," she asked.

"Well, Emily told you that Sam was sorry he couldn't come. See, he's training Seth, who, by the way, was also bummed about not being here."

"Training Seth? What do you mean?"

"He's going to be the next Alpha."

Bella pulled back and looked at him. "Shouldn't you be?"

"Nah, you know that's not really my thing. Anyways, now that Emily is pregnant—"

"Emily is pregnant?" Bella practically screeched. "Why didn't she say anything?"

"She didn't know if, well, you know, with what happened..." he trailed off.

"Oh, sweet Emily. No, I'm so happy for her. She is going to be the best mom and I know she and Sam have been trying for years."

"Yeah, it's pretty great. Anyway, Sam is going to give up changing. Jared already did and Paul. Leah left and I'm on my way out, too, once things are settled."

"Really?"

"Yeah. It's time for me to settle down, you know. I'll stick around for a bit; help out if I need to, but not for too long. The pack is big enough and Seth is amazing. He's sort of taken over the second in command position from me so he can learn, and from what I've seen, he's going to be great. He's a pretty even-tempered, fair-minded guy. He doesn't loose his cool real easily and that's important when dealing with trouble. He's smart, too. Anyway, you know all this. You've known Seth for years."

"I have. Wow, that's great. Sue must be really proud."

"She is."

"And you said Leah's gone. Where is she?"

"Went off to college and all. Apparently, she's taking yoga and meditation along with her other classes."

"That's hilarious."

"I know. She still changes and we can hear her even though she's all the way down in Portland, but as soon as she can manage it, it'll be just phone calls. Honestly, I'm glad she's gone." Bella hit his leg. "Hey! It isn't because I dislike her or anything even if she did lunge at me, teeth bared, when she heard that I had imprinted. She was just always in so much pain about Sam and Emily. Even after all this time. It's good that she's gone so she can move on with her life."

"I hope she meets a really nice guy who will make her happy."

"Yeah."

"Man, there have been a lot of changes."

"Yeah."

"I'm going to kick Emily's butt for not telling me she's pregnant. That is so amazing." She yawned.

"Tired?" he asked.

"Yeah, I'm beat. Fixing up this place, moving in, getting ready for the wedding: it's all been a lot of work."

"Sounds like it. Anyway, it's great to see you, Bells. I'm so glad that you're happy even if I think you're crazy to want this."

"I know. And I'm happy for you and Olivia. You tell her from me that I will not be giving you two alone time when it's your turn to get married. You'll have plenty of alone time afterward."

Jacob laughed.


	31. Unity

Chapter Thirty-one

"_...Loving is a journey with water and with stars,_

_with smothered air and abrupt storms of flour:_

_loving is a clash of lightening-bolts_

_and two bodies defeated by a single drop of honey._

_Kiss by kiss I move across your small infinity,_

_you borders, your rivers, your tiny villages..."_

—Excerpt from XII from _100 Love Sonnets_ by Pablo Neruda

The evening was cool and the garden was filled with the noise of friendship and family. I sat quietly outside of the noise, accompanied solely by my father. We stood in the forest. In between the spurts of chatter and laughter, the birds sang and called their goodbyes to the day. Crickets and cicadas began to hum. My own body was humming with excitement and anticipation. My eyes pricked. A soft breeze blew through the trees and ruffled my hair. I closed my eyes and willed myself into calmness. I forced myself to let go of any remaining fear and decided I would just be as present as possible, so that I could remember and savor this and the upcoming special moments forever, so that they would be happy memories rather than anxious ones.

The first of these moments had finally arrived. Everything I had hoped and dreamed for, everything I had never thought to expect, was going to happen now. Carlisle put a hand on my shoulder. _Are you ready, son?_ I opened my eyes and looked into his. His face was peaceful, satisfied, and full of confidence. "Yes," I spoke aloud. _Yes_, I thought in my head.

We walked into the garden now and stood before the guests. Carlisle stood behind me. The small crowd quieted. Pachabel's Canon in D began on the string trio. After a few agonizing moments she appeared. I was aware that the crowd had turned to watch her, but I had no thoughts or eyes for them. My eyes were on the only girl in the world, Bella. A smile I couldn't stop spread across my face. She was radiant. The setting sun, which was just now dropping below the trees, could not compare, nor the final glimmer of the skin of some of the guests. She was the source of light now. Clear, glowing skin, bright cheeks, bright eyes, soft white gown, and a soft smile that seemed shy at first, but began to brighten and gain in confidence as she met my eyes.

It took forever, and yet, before I was done looking at her come towards me, she was there before me. Jacob placed her hands in mine and it felt like the first time I had ever touched her. Exhilarating. She smiled at Jacob and he took his seat and then her eyes were on mine and she did not look away again.

The ceremony was brief. Vows and promises were exchanged. I pronounced my promises with conviction and she with quiet assurance and faith as we stared into one another's eyes. When the time came for us to kiss, I took her face into my hands. Her eyes sparkled with unshed tears. Our lips touched and I felt moisture touch my cheek. Before breaking completely apart, I kissed the next tear that was falling and then pulled her into me for an embrace. "We did it," I whispered into her ear as our friends and family clapped.

The ceremony was followed by dinner and speeches. All were kind and gracious, but the one that meant the most was the one that was the least expected. Jacob stood and requested everyone's attention. "My father has something he would like to say, if you all wouldn't mind listening for a moment."

All eyes turned to Billy. Tension filled the room. What could Billy say? He sat straight in his chair. His eyes roamed over my family, stopping at Bella and myself and then settling on Carlisle.

"I have to admit," he said, "that I had my reservations, but like Jake, I thought, if I can see for my own eyes that she is happy, I must be happy for her. I'm her family too, you know. Charlie was a brother to me. I consider Bella a daughter, and so I stand by my daughter and mourn for her sorrows and am joyful when she is happy. I have watched her interact with your family, Carlisle. I have seen your proud daughter Rosalie soften when Bella speaks to her. I have seen your sons Emmett and Jasper watch her, not with hunger, but with humor and genuine affection. I have seen true friendship between her and your daughter Alice. I have seen the abiding love you and your wife have for her. And in Edward, I see a man who would lay down his life to preserve her own. That is more than I could ask for, more than I expected." He paused. "Our tribe no longer has official chiefs. The pack leader holds the title nominally, but as the descendent of Ephraim Black, the last chief and pack leader, and as the head of the council, which governs the affairs of the tribe, I announce a new treaty. We solemnly promise to keep your secret as long as you promise to do no human being unwarranted harm. We also promise not to retaliate against the joining of Edward and Bella. We accept and warmly congratulate this union and the impending changes it will bring. And further, the boundaries have changed. In recognition of the joining of our two families, we now welcome the Cullen clan onto our land. We look forward to increasing trust. We look forward to the added strength and protection of our people by welcoming your peace-loving family onto our borders.

"My final words are for Bella, and they are simply this: your father loved you and I love you. Be happy, Bella, and never let a year go by without calling me or visiting me. I want to see you and know you in your future life. And I want you to know my grandchildren and my great-grandchildren and so on, and I want them to know you. And finally, bless you, you beautiful, strong, and kindhearted girl."

~oOo~

Brazil was cool, almost chilly. As we waited for the cab, Bella shivered. "I know you told me to expect it to be chilly, but wow, I would never have thought it possible. What is it, like 65°?"

"It is winter here, after all."

When the cab came, we stowed our bags and climbed in and started the trip towards Angra dos Reis, where we would get on the boat and head out to Esme's Island.

While we drove, I watched Bella. Her eyes were closed. She had to be exhausted. It had been a long flight. Even I had been uncomfortable. Granted, some of the discomfort was a result of the anticipation for the honeymoon. We were alone, well, as alone as one ever was on a flight full of screaming children, complaining adults, and grouchy flight attendants. But it was a different alone than the alone we were used to with my family. No one would look twice if the newlywed husband couldn't stop kissing the bare shoulder of his new wife or if the husband or wife's hand drifted higher and higher on the other's legs. No one would laugh and poke fun of their upcoming consummation of the marriage. People might be annoyed, amused, or even slightly embarrassed by the public display of attention, but they wouldn't laugh or tease.

As I thought about the fact that soon enough we would be really, truly, in every sense of the word, alone, my stomach muscles tightened in anticipation and a flash of something exciting, something terrifying, traveled down the length of my body. As if she were thinking the same thing, Bella turned towards me and met my gaze. Her eyes were intense and expectant; all sleepiness was gone now. Her hand slipped into mine and she leaned her body into mine, and for a moment, I felt like the rest of the journey would kill me, that I wouldn't be able to wait and that I might take her now if I couldn't control my emotions. In my mind I repeated over and over again my mantra for moments of weakness: _this is for her, not for you._

The boat was better. The wind and the salty spray from the ocean woke me from the haze I had been struggling against. It seemed to have the same effect on Bella, though it only made her even colder. As we first jetted out into the water, she gripped the side of the boat so hard her knuckles were white, but then as she felt the water spray her face and as the wind whipped her hair, she laughed, all the while keeping a firm grip on the side.

We docked on the island. It was dark and quiet but for the lapping waves. I carried the luggage to the house, encouraging Bella to wait for me in the boat. Once I dropped the bags off in the house and turned on some lights, I went to retrieve her.

When I got to the boat, she was facing out to sea and did not appear to hear my approach. I leaned over her and whispered into her ear, "Are you ready?" My lips grazed the shell of her ear. She gasped in surprise and turned her head just slightly so she could touch her lips very lightly to my cheek. I turned my head as well and brushed my lips against hers, and then so quickly it made her suck in a great gasp of air, I lifted her into my arms. Her lips momentarily quirked in an almost involuntary smile at this hackneyed gesture, but I ignored her and carried her towards the house. She smiled when it came into view. "It's beautiful," she said softly.

I didn't respond. I didn't need to, and besides, my mind was on other things. _This is it_, I thought. That was all I could think, really. For once, my mind seemed entirely unable to make sense of what was happening.

We crossed the threshold of the house. As Bella slid from my arms, every inch of her soft body rubbing against me, I repressed every bodily reaction. Only a small intake of air exposed me. She heard it. She turned to look at me. I couldn't look at her just yet. I stared at my hands instead, but then she laid one of her own on my chest. I couldn't help looking at her then. A pale blush spread across her face. Her eyes were dark, darker than usual, the pupils dilated until they almost filled her irises. I fought down the burgeoning panic. I would do this for her. I placed one of my hands on the small of her back then and slowly pulled her in for a kiss. It was long and lingering and it made the tension in my abdomen tighten until I felt like my body might burst. I pulled her in closer and gripped her harder, one hand on her back and one in her hair. I felt her fingers twist in my shirt and felt the fabric graze the skin on my stomach as it lifted. She brushed her fingertips across the exposed skin, and then taking the bottom hem of my shirt, she began to lift it up. I helped her and pulled the shirt over my head, dropping it to the floor. She pulled my head down again to resume kissing me and one of her hands slid down my chest and stomach. Her fingertips slowly traced the line the iliac, stopping at the band of my jeans and then moved over to the belt buckle.

I pulled my head away from her and gently stopped her hand. "Wait," I whispered.

"Why" she whispered back huskily between breaths. Her hand paused on the buckle.

"I don't know. I—just ignore me." I lowered my head to the juncture of her neck and head and kissed the pulse point. I could feel her artery pumping the blood fast and strong. The skin here smelled especially sweet. I traced the artery with my tongue. She gasped and shivered.

"Don't you need to take care of things?" I sucked the skin on her neck gently and slid the hand I had placed on her waist up until it was cupping the side of her breast. "Um, what" she asked, somewhat dazedly. Her voice shook. I smiled briefly, glad I was doing this right.

Bella ducked her head and captured my lips then with force. Our lips, tongues, and teeth met with fervor. With her hands on my shoulders, she turned us so that her back was to the wall and then she backed up into it. I pressed my body into hers and continued to kiss her. I felt her nails scrape my back and I became aware that my fingers, too, were digging into her skin.

It took tremendous effort to pull my mind from the haze that was currently enveloping my senses, but we needed to slow down. I could understand the fever, why our bodies were responding to each other with fierceness rather than gentleness, but it couldn't be like this. There would be bruises, possibly blood if I wasn't careful.

I pulled my lips away from hers. "Wait," I said again. I rested my forehead against hers. "We are going to have to slow down, Bella. I can't concentrate. I can't think. I might hurt you. We'll do this, but I think we are going to have to go slower, make love rather than this."

"I'm sorry. I think this was my fault. I got a little excited there." She laughed. I smiled in return.

"One day," I whispered into her lips. "Meanwhile, why don't we take a breather and I'll show you where everything is. I can light a fire in the fireplace in master."

"That would be nice."

I buckled my pants and put my shirt back on again and showed her around the house, though neither of our hearts were all that into it. I was more interested in watching Bella and thinking about her body in terms I had rarely let myself think about her before. I was mesmerized by the slope of her waist, the swing of her hips, the way her breasts rose and fell with each breath. And I couldn't stop touching her, and each touch was electric, full of promise of what was coming.

We finally made it to the master bedroom. While she went to the bathroom, I began to light a fire. Once that was done, I looked around the room, taking in my surroundings cursorily. The room was decorated with muted and natural blues, grays, and greens, with dark brown furniture. It had a light, comforting feel, and reminded me of some of the rooms in our cottage in Vermont.

I was standing there, looking around, when Bella came out of the bathroom. My eyes immediately flew to her when the door clicked open. She was dressed in a long, vintage, cream colored, silk and lace slip. She looked so warm and soft and so unbelievably beautiful. I felt frozen, hard, and awkward in comparison, suddenly unsure of how to do this.

She came towards me slowly, her eyes always on mine. When she reached me, she placed one hand on my chest. She tilted her face to look into mine and released a shaky breath.

"Are you scared," I whispered.

She let out a soft laugh. "No," she whispered. "This is right."

I nodded my head just slightly. I felt paralyzed. I had the sudden thought that I wished Jasper were around to calm the battle that was raging inside of me, each emotion seemed so powerful and they crashed and swirled through my body like the fierce and turbulent waves in a storm.

I placed a hand on her back, my skin sliding against the smooth fabric. She reached up and kissed the corner of my mouth. It was an invitation and I knew that I would have to somehow conquer every part inside of me that told me this was a moment to fear and to just be what she needed me to be and do what she needed me to do.

I kissed her back gently, our lips barely brushing against each other. I slid my hand up and down her back and pulled her closer until her body pressed against mine; not tightly, but just enough that our clothes barely touched and so that the heat of her body sank into mine. The brushing of our lips deepened. Her teeth tugged my lower lip and a soft groan escaped my mouth. Her hands were at the bottom of my shirt now, toying with the hem. Knowing what she wanted I pulled my shirt off and dropped it on the floor once again. Her fingers, which were trembling now, just slightly grazed my skin. They hovered at my waistband. I shivered and breathed in deeply, trying to reinstate composure. Pulling me with her, she took a step backwards towards the bed. My pants were unbuckled now. We pulled apart just briefly enough for me to climb out of them. The backs of her thighs rested against the bed now. I kissed down the line of her neck and onto her shoulder. I sucked on the skin softly. Her breath was coming fast now. My own sped futilely. As I attended to her neck and shoulders, she reached behind and tried to tug down the zipper. She made a soft sound of frustration as she struggled to pull the zipper down, so I helped her. The back of her nightgown was open now and I ran my fingers along the length of her spine down past the curve of her lower back and resumed kissing her mouth. I pushed the straps down her shoulders the. Silk pooled around our feet and she was bare. With one tug, my boxer briefs fell to the floor and we fell back into the bed, limbs intertwined, closer than we had ever been before. Her back curved, bringing her pelvis closer to me. It was so intense. I could feel the heat and moisture.

I pulled away from her slowly. Her eyebrows knit together and her face looked so desperate, afraid of what this might mean. "Shh," I whispered and ran my hand across her cheek. "I just want to take my time. I want to look at you." She breathed out slowly and her face relaxed.

Starting with her hair framing her beloved face, I my eyes roamed the distance of her body. The firelight danced across her skin in shadowed gold and orange hues. She was so beautiful. Lifting one of her arms, I admired the way it stretched and led to the slender tips of her fingers. I kissed the crook of her arm and each fingertip. My eyes slid back up her arms to her curve of her clavicles. I traced the line of them, each pointing to the center of her chest. I placed a hand above her heart and said a silent prayer of gratitude for its steady rhythm. My hand slid down the slope of her breasts now, each ending with the buds of her nipples. As my fingertips grazed the tips, they hardened. Bella breathed in. I circled her nipples once, twice and then kissed each one. My eyes were drawn then to the birthmark lying beneath her right breast and I kissed it softly. My hands roved down her waist now. I loved the way it curved and sloped. I watched as my hands ran down it, loving the way her belly was soft and gently rose with each breath. I slid my hands down each thigh, enjoying the feel of the muscle, bone, and supple flesh. My hands ran past her knees, onto the smooth skin of her calves and her slender ankles. I slid down the bed so that I could rub each foot. When my fingers slid between her toes, she giggled and her body shook. I laughed too, loving this human reaction. Running my eyes back up her thighs now, my gaze met the juncture of her thighs. A shuddering breath escaped her lips. I met her eyes and touched the dark curls, feeling the yielding flesh beneath. Her cheeks were flushed and her eyes closed. She clung onto her bottom lip with her teeth. Her knees bent slightly and her legs spread further. I knew what she wanted, what she needed, what she deserved and no fear remained inside of me. All I could feel was a sense of awe and worship of this beautiful body, this beautiful woman, who had laid her heart bare to me and who helped me to feel so alive. Something inside of me opened in response to her trusting vulnerability and a deep tenderness welled up inside of me. I kissed the skin above her center and slowly, softly, achingly gave myself to her the way she had given herself to me.

The End

**A.N.: There will be a prologue, just so you know. Also, as you know, I have considered doing some scenes and chapters from other people's points of view. I will continue to post them as if they were more chapters, so those of you who have been getting alerts for this story will get them if you want them. I also have another story in the works, which I will include an excerpt from after the prologue for those of you who are interested. **


	32. Epilogue

Epilogue

She sat alone facing the ocean, listening to the rush and pull of the waves. Her hair wrapped around her neck and shoulders in the sea breeze. She dug her toes in the soft sand. She leaned her head back and smiled at the stars. She closed her eyes and leaned back further until her back rested on the beach behind her. She stretched her arms out and rubbed the pale grains of sand, letting it fall through her fingers.

I didn't need to ask to know what she was doing in this quiet moment, why she wanted to be alone, for I was doing the same as I watched her. She was saying goodbye to the world, goodbye to what she knew, praying to God that the step we were about to take would be right, that all that she had come to know and love about this life would not go horribly wrong and come to a crashing halt when everything changed.

This last night in Brazil, was it her last night as a human? I didn't know for sure, but I sensed the change. I sensed her moods, her thoughtfulness, and the intensity with which she touched me, the way she seemed to be approaching each new experience. It all spoke the questions, "Will I remember this? Will it be the same? Is this the last time?"

After returning to Vermont, she continued like this. We spent hours reading her favorite novels and poetry, making love and talking about the change, about beauty and boredom, thirst and sex. We talked about the past, about falling in love, about Jacob, and about her child. We talked about motherhood and God.

When the night we selected for her change came, I lay her down gently on a bed put in our family's house. Only Carlisle attended me, though the rest of the family waited close by. I kissed her cheek gently and brushed some of her hair aside. A slow tear ran down her face but her eyes met mine steadily.

"Are you afraid?" I asked quietly.

"How could I not be a little? But I trust you. I want this."

"Are you ready?"

I slid the IV in her arm and watched as the anesthesia flooded her body. Her muscles relaxed and her eyes closed.

"I'll see you soon, my love, and then I'll never say goodbye again."

~oOo~

We returned to live in Forks again, just the two of us this time, after her eyes had cooled and the thirst had lessened and she had gone a couple of years without any incident. Jacob was the first one we saw. After a short and stunned pause, Jacob smiled mischievously. "Somehow I thought you'd be hotter."

Bella returned the wicked grin and ran to meet him. She jumped into his arms, knocking him over. "Jeez, Bells."

"I can actually beat you up now!"

"Yeah right! I can so take you." He rolled his eyes, but then hugged her closer. "Oh God, I'm so glad you're okay. I mean, I knew you were, but now I really know it. Come on, there's someone I want you to meet." She let him pull her up even though she didn't need it, some human gestures just still felt natural, and followed Jacob into the house. I followed. Olivia sat on the couch, her eyes bright and happy. Beside her was a young girl with flaming red hair and glasses, obviously Marina, who looked up shyly at her parents' visitors. In Olivia's arms was a little infant girl with brown hair and skin the color of tea with milk, but with her mother's green eyes. Her eyes were open and alert.

"Jake!" You didn't tell me!"

"I know. It was the hardest thing in my life. Bella, I want you to meet Laura Isabella. We named her after you and Laurel." He took her hand tenderly.

"Jake!"

"Do you want to hold her?" asked Olivia.

"Really? Are you sure?"

"Yeah. We trust you. Come on."

Bella stooped and took the child in her arms, cooing softly, a wide grin on her face. "Hello, little one." She nuzzled her nose on the baby's and Laura hiccoughed a laugh, clearly delighted with her new friend.

~oOo~

Again, she sat by the sea, this time with stones of every color underneath her rather than sand. In her arms was a small baby, gripping her hands and singing to the ocean. Next to her sat a small girl, who used to be shy, chattering enthusiastically about the tree house her dad was building her while sorting pebbles into piles based on their colors.

She looked so beautiful and peaceful there, surrounded by children, comfortable in her skin. I briefly felt a pang that she would never be able to have her own children, but took comfort in knowing that she felt at peace here surrounded by Jacob's children and knowing that ever since she had changed, the grief that used to grip her was only a dim memory.

I heard Jacob's soft steps across the beach and then felt his hot palm on my shoulder, a gesture of friendship that touched me to the core and filled me with warmth. "She looks so happy," he said. "Knowing how it was a few years back, could you have believed it?"

"No, but I'm definitely glad it has turned out this way."

**A Long Author's Note: I have to sincerely apologize for how long it took me to write this. Life has been filled with ups and downs and everything has distracted me. Not only that, but towards the end I stopped wanting to turn Bella into a vampire. Scandalous, I know. If you want to know my reasons why, feel free to PM me. I'd be glad to fill you in on my theories about existentialism and Edward. **

**However, I want to thank all of you who have kept reading and believing in my story and who have bolstered me up with reviews and emails and such. This story would never have been finished if it weren't for your contributions. **

**My hope was to do some writing from alternate points of view to submit after I was done with the story, but I have to admit to being ready to move on. But, thus said, I hope to get back to it eventually. I will keep this story as "unfinished" in hopes of getting back to it one day. **

**I hope you will read my next story I'm working on called _Jacob's Ladder _(see below for excerpt). It's basically the Twilight story from Jake's perspective from childhood to partway through Eclipse. It's a pretty big goal, but I hope that now I have finished graduate school (YAY!) I'll write more often. After that, I may move on to some fan fiction for another series I love, _The __Heather Wells_ series by Meg Cabot, which is hilarious. If you haven't read them, please do. **

**Okay, I am going to do some serious pimping for my next story here by providing an excerpt. Hopefully it will be a tasty enough piece that you'll want to take a bite. **

**Chapter One: First Sight**

I don't remember the first time I saw Bella Swan. She was an integral part of those early summers I don't really remember. I do, however, remember the first time I became aware of her the way boys are aware of girls, when curiosity is peaked by the opposite sex, not in a sexual way, but in a "you're different from me" way, or a, "you're different from even my sisters" way. Okay, so maybe I don't strictly remember everything that happened, only some things, but my father has told me the story so many times it has pretty much become one of my own memories.

It's funny how some of your memories don't actually belong to you; they are the stories handed to you by others. All the colors and flavors of those memories are the result of the emotions that accompanied each retelling. The fact that these memories are not strictly your own does not lessen the power or significance they have for you. Maybe the reason this false memory about Bella has carried so much weight is because of how I have come to feel about her over time.

This first awareness came five years before Bella stopped coming to Forks for her summer vacations. I was seven years old and Bella was nine. Charlie was bringing her over to the house a few nights after she had arrived so that she could spend time with kids her age and I'm sure so that Charlie could have a few adult hours of drinking beer and watching sports with Billy and Harry Clearwater.

"Rachel, Rebecca, did you two pick up your room like I asked you?"

"Rachel just threw her stuff on my side of the room, dad."

My dad chuckled. "Rachel, you can't just throw your things onto Becca's side. Go put your things away where they belong."

"But I'm not allowed on her side," Rachel countered. I wondered how my father was going to get past this sacrosanct Black household rule.

"Well, today you are."

"Why do we have to clean today? It's not even Saturday! We only ever clean on Saturdays!"

"Charlie's bringing Bella over tonight. You don't want her to see your room is such a mess, do you?"

My sisters looked at each other, for once becoming a united team. "Bella's here already? Dad, she's Jacob's age."

"She's actually just older than Jacob. You're just as close in age to her as Jacob is."

"But dad, she plays Barbies," she spoke the word like it was something gross, like gum stuck to the bottom of your shoe, never mind that only a month ago she yelled at me and twisted my left ear for chopping off one of Barbie's heads during my game of war with Quil and Embry between G.I. Joe, the Hulk, Wolverine, and the vampires (the dolls had been the vampires, of course).

"Well, even if she does, I'm sure you girls will find something to do. You shouldn't be so shy with her. She's shy too and she doesn't have any brothers or sisters to play with. You should be very nice to her."

"'Kay, dad."

"What about Jacob?" Rebecca asked.

"What about him?"

"Does he have to be nice to Bella?"

"Of course he does, right my little man? You'll be nice to pretty Bella, won't you? No pulling her hair or squirting her with your water gun, right?"

"Do I have to play Barbies with her?" I asked, horrified. Sometimes dad made me play Barbies nicely with Rachel and Rebecca when they still played with dolls.

Dad laughed. "Maybe. Why don't you just wait and see what Bella wants to do? Maybe if you play dolls with her, she'll play one of your games." I tried to picture this. Dad never made Rachel and Rebecca play one of my games. I didn't mind. They were never good at making the necessary explosion noises. Somehow I doubted Bella would be good at those either.

"How come Bella doesn't live with Charlie, dad?"

"Because she lives with her mom in Arizona where it's sunny all the time."

"But how come Charlie doesn't live with them?"

"Well, Charlie and Renee—that's Bella's mom—they don't live together anymore."

"Kind of like how we don't live with mom?"

"That's different. Your mom is in heaven with all the spirits of our ancestors and watching over us. Renee and Charlie just don't love each other anymore."

I puzzled over that. "Is it like with Embry and Sam's dads?"

"Yeah, kind of."

"Embry gets mad about his dad. Does Bella feel mad about not living with Charlie?"

"Maybe. I think she probably does. But Bella gets to come spend every summer with him. Embry doesn't get to see his dad."

"How come Embry doesn't get to see his dad?"

"You're full of questions today. Haven't you asked Embry?"

"Yeah, but he punched me when I asked about his dad."

Dad chuckled. "Well, I'm afraid that Embry's dad wasn't as nice as Charlie. He was really mean to Embry's mom, so she told him he had to go. She didn't want him hurting Embry when he grew up, you see. Now, you need to take a bath, my man. You're filthy. Bella probably won't like that."

Dad always made me take a bath before Bella came and even wash behind my ears and under my nails. I thought I understood now why Rachel and Rebecca seemed so mad that Bella was coming over. From everything dad had said, Bella seemed like she was one of those girls that wouldn't be your friend because you are from the Reservation or because you once picked your nose when you thought no one was looking while at school. I wasn't sure I'd like her if she was like that and I wasn't sure whether I'd let her play with me and definitely that I wouldn't play nicely with her stupid dolls, even if she was like Embry and Sam and didn't get to live with her dad. When dad made me comb out my hair, which was tangled and unruly, and so painful to comb out, I decided I most likely wouldn't like this Bella girl.

At that age, Bella was taller than other kids. She was all skinny legs, long braids, and freckled knees and nose. I remember that when she came in the door, I got a whiff of what smelled like green grass, chlorine, peppermint gum, and something sweet. Strawberries? I thought she smelled like summer. Apparently I was impressed with Bella when she first came in. My dad says I looked like a fish out of water, all wide-mouthed and staring eyes. He says it was because even then I had an eye for what was beautiful in the world, but I think that it was more likely due to the fact that she was wearing an X-Men t-shirt and yet looked so girly. I remember how her pigtail braids ended with a ribbon and a fake flower on the end. It seemed almost blasphemous to have Jean Grey and Professor Xavier emblazoned on your chest while at the same time wearing flowers in your hair.

When my dad and Charlie saw my reaction, they laughed. Dad leaned towards me and whispered conspiratorially that Bella means "beautiful." Rachel just elbowed me in the ribs, for which I responded to by pinching her arm.

**Stay tuned an add me as an author alert if you want to read more! **


End file.
